As I was doing my causal cruise of face book tonight it took me by complete surprise how many people I know are getting married or having babies or trying to find good jobs. Making the life decision that really count. Now I’m not saying I’m old because I think at 19 I’m still a spring chicken. Well thats how I feel anyway.
I mean crap, and seriously, it’s like someone put my life on fast forward but forgot to actually catch me up- kind’ve like when online videos don’t load fast enough and you get that out of time voice over making everyone seem like they’re making pig faces. I don’t feel old enough to be worrying about graduating, finding a full time job, getting married, where I’m living. I’m pretty sure I’m still that innocent little good-two-shoes sitting quietly at the back of the class room desperately hoping I would do no wrong.
Life is one big great adventure but I’m pretty sure I’m still meant to be in the packing my bags stage, not the being thrown from the car at high speed into an area I don’t know expected just to stumble around till I get there. I mean, I might. Don’t get me wrong I may very well uncannily fall over something spectacular but its the watching everyone else around me growing up- knowing I’m growing up at the same stage- yet felling so so much younger and much less prepared to just venture on out like the sun will come out tomorrow.
Due to the fact I have discovered I am suffering ‘silent’ migraines- and I’m sure its only a special type of person, such as myself, who manages to still get a migraine and all the splendid symptoms with it but without the headache or even looking slightly sick! I mean what good is feeling like shiet if you look perfectly ok!? Anyway, because of that I am afraid I am rambling once again and will finish with pretty much this:
Grown up or not, I still want to be a little kid with all the little kid innocence and determination to explore the world yet live in a grown up world with all the grown up perks. The problem is the perks seem to drag around this kind’ve unwanted thing of expectations and responsibility. Which of course I love… but it’s the seemingly never ending, bite your nails till they are no more wait to see if you can actually make it through the lions cage into the big wide world.
That scares the gobstoppers into finally dissolving. And that takes a fair bit I might add.