Life is moving along now. The end of the year is nearing and I am feeling like a racehorse who is just about to cross the finish line: exhausted, worn down, relieved, excited and victorious. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed the hard work and the challenges but sometimes, life is just tiring. Things are going to change soon. Not like changing the sticking plaster on your pinky, but like changing from a wheelchair to crutches. My flatmate and best friend may be moving. I am staying. I may live alone. My sister will be closer. I won’t be competing. My horse will hopefully be pregnant. And there will be no more tech. Full time work. Full time me. Full time living life. There are a lot of maybes in that list. Of course that doesn’t make it any easier to digest. So many unknowns and could be’s. It is just one stumbly step after another.
I told a friend today that I was tired of fighting. He asked me if it was worth it. To be honest, I am ashamed to say I hadn’t even stopped to think about that. I was so wrapped up in how worn out I felt I forgot to think ‘why am I doing this?’ Because it is so worth it. The hard work and the exhaustion and the changes and the mountains this year have been so, so worth it. Will taking these new changes in my stride and keeping on keeping on be worth it in 6months time? You bet ya.
As I prepare to take my horse to see a boy horse to make a baby horse, I sit and I think about all the times in life that I have wanted to be in this place in my life. I’ve wanted to be here. I made it, alive. Do I feel complete, like I have made it to the final destination? Or like I thought I’d feel when I dreamt about being here? Well, no. Heck no. But that is what we need as human beings to keep going: we need to dream and hope and wish and want and strive. We need to want to be more, or we will be nothing.
One, step, at, a, time.