It’s 11.53pm and I should be asleep. I should have been asleep hours ago. I managed to sleep straight through my two alarms this morning and stumble out of bed at the time I should have been walking into the office. I made it, eventually, dressed, surprisingly, and wearing some makeup. I didn’t get to my hair so I gave up and put it in a half-hearted ponytail.
Why am I awake still at such a late hour? Well I decided it was about time I blogged. I’ve been trying painfully to write something, anything, on here for some time now. It’s been weeks and I still have no idea what to say. Not because I have nothing to say, I just have no idea how to put what I want to say into words. That rarely happens to me and it’s making me just about as angry as I was when I found out I’d slept through my alarm.
My muscles hurt, mainly my abs because I had the fantastic idea to work them out numerous days in a row at the gym. That’s right, you read it correctly, I’m going to the gym! Why? I ask myself that every time I’m there; I’m training for the police force! Yes, I know, telling you I want to be a cop AND that I’m going to the gym in one paragraph might be a little overwhelming and hard to believe…but it’s true!
It’s possible I’m delusional from lack of sleep and too much working out but life lately has felt a little bit like a dream; I’m waiting to wake up right where I left it, stepping off the plane from my four month trip.
It’s been nearly four months since I stepped off that plane. It’s been four long, exciting, hard, and challenging months.
I’m working toward the police force, I’m running, I’m going to the gym, I’m enjoying my jobs, I’ve found a young girl to ride my horse so I can focus on other areas of life, I’ve enrolled in a psychology diploma, and I’ve been spending time with someone new.
My life right now is so normal it makes me certain it’s not reality. Nothing right now in life is hard. It’s all there, normal, challenging but simple. I don’t feel like I’m climbing a mountain. And sometimes I just sit in silence with this new person, not because I have nothing to say, but because I just want to savour the moments where I don’t have to be anything other than myself as I am right now. I go on dates and walks and meet him at the gym. I have brunches with my friends and nights out with the girls. I’m planning a camping trip with a group of my favourite people and I’m enjoying my jobs. I run on the beach in the morning. I don’t think there has ever been a point in my life I felt this normal.
I honestly don’t know what to make of it.
Because I’m still hurting, I’m still scared, I’m still dreaming that dream where Alex looks at me and says “I don’t love you anymore”. I desperately want to escape it. I want to explain to this new person just how hard loving me can be. I want to run because I finally have my life back and I don’t want anyone to take that from me. I want to be on my own because it’s easier. It feels safer. Because people hurt people they love.
At the same time I know that is all coming from a place of hurt. It’s coming from fear and shitty people. It’s not how my future is going to play out.
I refuse to let the past control what I could have now.
And I refuse to be weak and throw away something wonderful. Because he’s not him. He has nothing to do with the past.
I’m sticking with the motto of ‘if I can get back up then, I can get back up again’.
For the first time in many years I have a strange sense of faith that it’s going to work out just fine.
It’s exciting, I’m happy, and life is normal.
So gosh darn normal it’s refreshing.