I’ve been staring at this screen over and over for the past few months. Actually, pretty much since I started working here. It’s been five months now, and the words simply don’t seem to want to come. I’ve never been short of conversation or descriptions or ways of coping with life. I haven’t written though, because there simply isn’t a way to explain life lately. I work in a job I can’treally talk about. I hear stories that make me want to cry with anger, sadness, happiness. I have days I feel so high that I can’t wait to tell everyone how incredible my job is (everyone being Sam, who is now really sick of hearing about work) and days where I drive home and I just cry.
There is an hour between work and home, and sometimes I have spent almost the entire trip contemplating how life can be so unfair. Not for any particular reason. Sometimes nothing in particular will have happened. Sometimes I just cry because I don’t know how else to process how much crap people can take in a life that’s barely begun.
I work with kids people don’t care about. And society thinks are a waste of time. And that might sound harsh, but when was the last time you felt sorry for a criminal?
I read the comments on stuff articles and it makes my heartbreak. “Put them down”. People actually say that. And I will stare at those comments and I want to yell, because NO. Those lives ARE worth something. And YES they screwed up. I don’t think anyone ever denies what they’ve done is wrong. But I certainly can tell you the way society views them isn’t how we’re about to solve the problem.
“Your life matters”, I said to a kid one day after he’d run himself down and I’d had enough of it.
He looked at me with shock. And he sat in silence. Because those words weren’t something he’d heard much of.
Sam and I have started bee keeping. Dad spent a few weeks watching bee keeping videos on youtube. Each night for weeks I’d come home after a late shift and find him sitting on the couch watching these videos because he was interested in what we were doing and wanted to help. And I was so angry, not at him, but because how the hell can I be so damn lucky when there are kids whose dad’s hang up the phone when they know who’s calling?
And it could just be that I’ve worked nearly 14 hours and it’s 3.18am, but it makes me emotional all over again.
I’ve been missing from my blog for a while now because I didn’t want to off load about work! So I usually get to this point in the blog where I delete it all and go “I’ll try again another day”.
Life hasn’t been perfect. For example, right now there is this really stupid ‘micropause’ thing that pops up on the computer every half hour so you have a break, but really it’s so you can’t say you have a work related injury from too much computer work. Anyway, it drives me NUTS because I’ll be RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of something and it will NOT let me finish until I’ve had a ‘break’. Clearly it doesn’t understand the meaning of ‘on a roll’. I’ve also been stressed about finding the right honeymoon destination and fitting every cost into the wedding budget… (please note I am kidding, kind of). I mean, perspective is everything. Whenever I feel like I have it rough, I come to work.
In saying that, my horse has gone and done something to itself, I have no idea what. But it’s currently on some pretty awesome painkillers. So it’s a wait and see game. That had me pretty down. And my career is all over the place and I have no idea where I’m going and some days I really have to resist the urge to just lie down on the carpet and not get up for a REALLY long time. Also, we don’t actually know if we have a house to move into in three months. It’s meant to be finished a week before the wedding, but ya know, cutting it fine is SUPER FUN and does my nerves heaps of good.
Because as good as I am at juggling a lot of things, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it’s getting a bit on top of me at times. Study, two jobs, finding my way in life, sorting a house for Sam and I, horses breaking, finding time for friends and family. To be honest, I actually can’t remember when I last washed my hair and I’ve taken to shaving my armpits in the bathroom sink because I forget to check when I’m in the shower.
But despite the above, it is the first time in my life I have felt so passionate about what I am doing. There have been a few opportunities to walk away from it and go back to a cushy marketing/communications life and I’ve turned it down without hesitation. And it surprised me.
I do no for a second regret taking a MASSIVE leap of faith and retraining, starting again, leaving everything I know and understand behind and just doing it. And by leap of faith I mean it feels like I decided to jump over the grand canyon.
There are days I feel like I am succeeding, and days I am failing.
I wouldn’t change it.
But at the same time, thank goodness I have wine. And if I didn’t pray enough before, I certainly do now. Because there is nothing like failing, falling, and desperately needing to trust it WILL be ok.
It’s 3.46am and it’s nearly home time! For now, that’s me. Till next time (probably another five months).