Sometimes you win

Hello old friend, it’s been a while since I’ve been scribbling thoughts down here in an attempt to somehow grapple control over my brain. Ah, we are entering December and while I like to say I’ve managed to make it through 2017 with my head held high, I’d say it’s a little more like dragging myself over the finish line like a man lost at sea for a year.

But, despite my scraggly appearance, lack of ability to feed myself anything other than Asian food, the being sick on repeat, I actually have managed to do some sort of adulty things… and almost succeed.

Adulty thing 1 – I got married

Adulty thing 2 – I have a career, like an actual one that I LOVE (and sometimes want to bang my head on a wall, but I think that just means I care).

Adulty thing 3 – I have managed to survive three months living on my own… like actually, I’m as surprised as you are.

Adulty thing 4 – I started seeing a counsellor because it was about damn time I learnt how to do some of that self care thing I ramble on to everyone else about… and just deal with myself in general.

And alongside all that I’ve managed to keep on top of washing (don’t look at my couch, it’s all clean at least), change my sheets regularly and towels, do the dishes, do the shopping, vacuum. I’ve even kept two horses and a cat alive, despite their best attempts at destroying themselves. Oh, and I have a veggie garden again for the first time in two years and it’s growing like crazy.

I’m really proud of myself. Because this time last year I had ABSOLUTELY no idea where my life was going. I mean, I had a direction I wanted to go in, but I had just started working as a casual shift youth worker. I had been with Sam long enough to know I love him and wanted to spend forever with him, but also be terrified of losing it all. I had just Ivy and I had great ideas about getting her back in foal. I had just finished my first two psychology papers. And I was living at home.

A year later I’m married, I have the best career and I could never have imagined it, I have not only Ivy but Scout too, I’m only two papers away from a diploma, and I have my own little house and our home loan is actually NEARLY complete.

The last few years just all sort of blur into each other in a mess of ups and downs and rounds and all over-the-shows. A mix of people, family, attitudes, fall outs, heartbreak, cancer, health issues, people dying, people surviving, marriages, babies, and work. I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard in my life and I am exhausted to the very core.

But here I am. I am actually being an adult in the best way I know how, and I’m really actually ok. And so is everyone else.

Sometimes I have days at work where the whole world feels like it is conspiring against me and I’m running around under a giant game of Jenga trying to stop the blocks from falling as people keep pulling out the wrong pieces. Other days I look around and go, wow, this is why I do this. Sometimes I cry happy tears. Sometimes I cry sad tears. Sometimes I hit my steering wheel because I’m so angry that the world can suck so much, and sometimes I tap on it while I sing to the radio. Sometimes I pat my horses, cook dinner and bake a cake. Sometimes I drag myself inside, heat something in the microwave and collapse on a couch.

Sometimes I win. Sometimes I really don’t.

But after that last few years, I have to say I am really damn proud to be here, at this moment, doing what I do, being who I am, where I am, with what I have.

One day I might get better at dodging the giant jenga blocks, maybe I won’t. I have no clue what 2018 holds but I won’t for a second go into it saying ‘this will be the year’… every year is ‘the year’. Shit happens, good things happen. Life, it happens. And we all may or may not make it through.

Positive hey?

Well, I like to keep a little bit of perspective. I will probably do more yoga, but probably not as much as I’d like. I will possibly go to Peru, but not Nepal, not yet. I will hike mountains, because mountains are good for the soul. I will do what I can, as much as I can, for who I can at work because I love it. I will cry, I will laugh, I will be frustrated as all hell when Sam gets back from college because, living with someone.

Life is going to change in 2018, and that’s slowly becoming ok. Because I think I am finally letting go of the shit storm the past few years have been and accepting life has seasons; make hay while the sunshines baby, I’m going to be making that hay.

And when life gives me lemons, I’m going to bust out the tequila and make the most of those lemons.

 

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