This years been tough. I’m not going to lie. There’s been some high highs, and some equally low lows. People seem to automatically assume that when there is a high, or a great good, it cancels out the bad. It doesn’t, that’s something we all really need to understand, the good never takes away the pain, it just gives you more to hold onto. I met a random guy at the petrol station last night. I don’t usually chat to strange people over a petrol pump, but he was friendly, so we chatted. He told me about his job in West Africa mining. My response, somewhat flippantly was, ‘that’s certainly living on the edge’. His response was great; ‘On the edge? I was so far over the edge I could have bungee jumped off it and never touched the sides’. Man, that hit me in the feels. This year has felt so far over the edge that I certainly haven’t come close to those walls. And I’d have loved to have had a wall to cling to.
I often used to calm myself down with ‘it’s ok, the next year is around the corner’, I stopped that quickly when I realised that there is very high chance the next year could be worse, much worse. It doesn’t always get better. I think a lot of what frustrates me when people are down, is this desire to jump in and encourage ‘it will get better, it will get easier, you will get through it’. Sometimes, it actually doesn’t get better. But, you can carry on but I know it doesn’t always feel like it. Your whole world can be falling apart, and the roof is caving in and all you feel is helpless and desperate, but the automatic assumption is that you need people to tell you it will get better. Sometimes, we just need to be with people in their pain, please learn to meet people where they are, not want them to be where you’re at. Some days I am so thankful and so happy with my life, others I am angry, frustrated, and bitter about it. I have some of the most caring, incredible friends and work mates, and for that I could not be more thankful. And all they did was see my pain, and meet me there. Do not ever put an expectation on people to heal at your rate – people heal when they are ready and at the pace they heal at.
I want to say I’ve ‘grown up’ this year, really I just think I’ve lost a bit of my youthful naivety. I think I once used to see the world as this shiny place where everyone could succeed and all pain could be overcome. I don’t now. And that’s not to get all dark and gloomy, I think when you work in a world full of pain, and you feel that in your own life, it’s hard not to feel as though there is limited opportunities to move forward. And that is reality, not just me being all down and out. The reality of life is that there are some struggles so big, it is almost impossible to over come them and there are some crappy things that happen to people, that they may never fully move on from.
Some mountains are just too damn big to climb.
But in all that, I’ve also come to be thankful for things I used to take for granted. The things I once ‘excepted’ life to give me, I am now incredibly thankful it has. I am much more thankful for the opportunities I have, for that fact I can build a house, get married, and actually think about my future.
I’ve been stuck on a ferris wheel for the past 6 months, becoming a little lost in what I want and where I’m going. I still don’t know. I still sit on that ferris wheel and honestly, have limited intentions of getting off it. I am learning to accept how comforting predictable is. Change is far more daunting that it ever has been, because I find stability my only grounding at the moment. But that’s ok, that’s just where I’m at right now. It’ll change I’m sure, but for now I’m enjoying the comforts of ‘the same’.
My health is a huge battle, and it always will be. It will always be a mountain I am forever climbing. And I’ve come to accept that. I can’t do a lot about it other than take it as it comes.
Horses have been my passion, but I’ve also come to the acceptance that sometimes I have to sacrifice one thing for another thing, and right now horses have to be put aside while I figure out my next life steps.
Peace, I crave peace, and one day I’m sure I will find it more days out of the year than I don’t, but for now I appreciate the days I do find it. At the risk of being cliche, there are times in life where it really is just one foot after the other.
I have learnt to find the things that bring a smile, and to hold onto them. I have learnt not the be afraid of tears, and accept them when they come, I have learnt that there will be times in life when all you can see is darkness. But light does come, and even before it does, it is ok to sit in that darkness, to feel it, but please do not ever let your thoughts win. And I have learnt that the people you lean on, the people you pick to be your ‘people’ is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Pick the people who will tell it’s ok not to be ok, pick the people who text you randomly to see how you are, pick the people who find out what you need and organise it for you, pick the people who see you for as you are and tell you it’s ok to be that. Pick the people who see your need before you even can.