This is life

The thing I have come to realise about life, is you can’t chose which moments impact you the most.

There are things in life you think you’ll suffer from forever, then there are others you desperately want to move on from and just can’t. Too many people run, and hide, and refuse to admit just what’s really going on. Forgiveness has always been something I’ve found quite easy. Just move on, it’s that simple.

Nope. I’ve found it’s not quite so.

As I’ve said several times on here, I’ve been catching up with an ex. Sometimes a story doesn’t have an ending yet for a very good reason. There’s no spark so this is not coming from a place of those sort of feelings, but there is a lot of anger on my part.

I very rarely let my guard down for anyone, but he was part of my life in a particularly hard time, so I needed someone. Of course, as all great stories end, there was plenty of cheating. And because I’m like a dog with a bone I refused to stop asking the right questions until I understood just the extent of it all.

The problem is when I finally did, I couldn’t decide whether to laugh, or throw my soda water at him. Both probably would have been perfect…

I expected it to be easy to move on, but I realised last night, when I was angry at the world, and angry at myself for getting to a point where I struggle to trust anyone, that I wasn’t ‘over it’ and I wasn’t ready to forgive and forget.

I will be eventually, and it’s going to take a lot of strength to do that.

But words don’t describe the kind of hurt I felt over the whole situation.

I’m a grown up now (not by choice) so I’m going to have to deal with that hurt and move on in the best way I know how; lots of exercise until I’m too exhausted to be angry any more.

But there are certain things in life that drag up emotions we all like to avoid. Last year I lost my grandfather, the day after my 21st birthday. I also moved house and took on a greater work load at work during the same month. It was two days after he died I moved house, and the day before his funeral.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been so exhausted in my life.

But it was the one time I desperately needed someone to lean on. Anyone would have been okay. There is this awful sinking feeling when you look up, begging for help, and there is simply no one there to pull you back up.

I’m still struggling with that hurt. This ‘I am alone in this and I’m going to have to find a way out’ feeling. It’s perhaps one of the most daunting places to be in. And it’s going to take me a long time to forgive those closest to me for not being there, and expecting me to be ok with that.

So the reason for this long winded emotionally charged blog, is because I’m not holding back this year. I’m tired of watching what I say or what I share, hurt comes in many forms, and hiding doesn’t prevent you from it.

If there is a friend you haven’t seen for a while or someone who might be having a hard time, just take a few moments from your day and help them out.

You’d be surprised just how far a little love can go.