Above is a small insight into where I live. I had a million things to write in this blog when I wrote the title and took the picture, now, sitting my bed, with a candle lit, watching the clock, telling myself it’s time to sleep, having written a story I’m freaking out a little about, listening to music that makes it all a little better. At the same time, reminding myself I should not use the word ‘that’ so often, and I should really learn to spell check everything, and proof read too.
Life is this crazy sort of ladder, you spend years going through primary school, feeling so out of your depth, not knowing what to do, then you finally reach your final year – on top of the world, and you made it. Then you start intermediate, from the bottom again, having no idea what to do.
So it goes, eventually, you make your way out of college, apprenticeship etc. You start work, once again, it’s a whole new world and you’re in it, waist deep, but you learnt to swim – thank goodness – but it’s just as daunting as that first day at primary school.
My boss is away for two weeks, I get to step up and take over while she’s away. There has never been a moment where I doubted my ability to do so. It is one of the strange things about me, it takes serious failure to make me doubt myself.
However, rather than waist deep, I’m treading water. I’m really bad at floating. I’m a sink or swim sort of person. So, I want to do the best possible job I can – and then better some more.
I have my floaties on just in case. I can do it. But I’m also scared. Few things scare me, but failure is one of them.
But fear is what drives us, or me at least, to fear of failure keeps me up late at night, it makes me work harder to correct mistakes, to prevent mistakes.
And I want to sleep, I want to hide, I want to run. But I also, want to be better than I know I can be.
A friend seemed surprised I didn’t work on weekends. I do, sometimes, actually work. But the honest truth is I never stop working. Even when I’m not writing in the office or interviewing, I don’t stop. My mind thinks of different angles, it takes lessons and uses then in small talk conversations, it tries to piece together different puzzles to make it all work.
I am always working. Even in my sleep. Because I am a writer. I don’t ever stop being a writer.
So, can I do it? Yep. Is it a big deal? Nope. Am I still going to worry? Sure am. Will I look back and laugh because I was so scared? Definitely. Will things go wrong? Pretty certain. Is it the end of the world? Most definitely not. Am I excited? Sure am.
I live off fear, it’s why I jump horses, snow board down mountains, jump off and out of things, why I love heights. I love fear – it motivates me.
So bring on tomorrow.
Enough of my weird ramble. I’ll try to be funny some other time.