I’m no longer going to adult anymore

Lately things haven’t been going exactly to plan. Well, it’s not that I really have a plan, so they can’t really not be going to plan, but I had ideas of how life would look by the time I turned 21. For the most part, I think life’s pretty much on track. Good boyfriend, check, place to live and call home, check, hobbies, check, full time job in a field I studied for, check. Yep, pretty much on the right path.

But this is the thing I’ve learnt about life so far, it never really feels the way you think it’s going to, and it always looks different when you live it.

By now, I thought I would have sold my horse. I mentally prepared myself for that…and it does drive me mental I haven’t while everyone else is busy selling theirs. Jealousy never has looked good on me. I thought I would have a list a mile long of places I wanted to travel to. I have a list of about five places, all of which cost too much. I have also learnt, stress never stops, but money always has a way of doing so. Whether it be the money that is stopping, or the fact the lack of money to start with is what is stopping you in the first place, it’s hard to say. I could just stop acquiring horses…that might also help the money thing.

But this is life and it’s about time I made friends with the pretty awesome one I have (this part is not sarcastic).

While I’m feeling guilty about being stuck in a rut of my fantastic life, I tend to want to stop being an adult all together.

It does have its perks though. I don’t have to cook. There is this amazing thing called a blender and you just put yum things in it and taadaaaaa, dinner. Parking fines can be paid a month after they’re due before you get into trouble. But don’t do that in the work car, then you get in trouble well before that. On payday, you feel like the richest person on earth. Until you pay rent, and for the hobbies, and the food, and the power…

Life is pretty good as an adult, apart from the decision making process.

Sometimes, in the middle of stores where I have to make large purchases, I feel like the sales people are plotting my doom with all their questions. Really, they’re just doing a good job and I probably am responsible for several peoples commissions. Don’t even get me started on those self check out things at the supermarkets. They were built to destroy my soul.

Sometimes, I just can’t human properly.

I also make up words still, I’m not sure if that’s ok as an adult?

There is nothing particularly bad about being an adult. It’s just this kind of overwhelming feeling that this, is your life, and no matter how good or bad it is, you have to live with it. That scares me.

That scares me a lot.

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Here I am!

I have now arrived at horse of the year! I’m rather excited about a weekend catching up with friends and seeing out the season before I hang up the show jacket and focus on writing.

Life lately has been challenging, in a good way. But also in a way that’s made me realize I can endure far more than I thought. I have thick skin and a get up and go look on life lately.

Maybe I’m finally growing up. Oh no! Now I have accomplished my big article and am slowly getting the smaller ones up and published I am a little less stressed. None the less exhilarated of course!

Finally I am ready to sleep! It has been a long day and I have made it to the end.

Go me 🙂

Jealousy my old friend.

Jealousy is a funny thing. It the little green monster that creeps its way through a relationship slowly eating it from the inside out. Ok thats kind’ve gross. But it really is the best way to describe the kind of destruction it can cause.

I’m easily angered, especially by things that are a direct dig at my self-esteem. Most of the time I find it funny. Sometimes I find it surprising, but almost all of the time it catches me out. I tend to get angered and pissy before I can even realize that its the little green monster working its way back into my relationships.

I’m not the jealous type. I am however, very competitive. This tends to end up with me intentionally making people jealous, in order to win. What ever strange competition that may be. It’s not that I’m not jealous because I’m an ‘up myself little fairy’ its more because I don’t often care enough to be jealous. Oh that sounds shockingly terrible! But I said I’d be honest on here.

So, my point in all this late night gabble. Jealously can be a tooting fruiting beeper that really does get in the way of realizing -you’re actually pissing someone off!- If they’re jealous, sometimes it means you’re winding them up. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way, I don’t think it’s always a one sided thing. I think sometimes you’ve just got to catch it before it escalates into something mind bogglingly, soul eating destructiveness.

Worse than the bogey man.

Coping. Are you?

I broke down today. Actually broke down. After a good night, or well a good week, of confidence building, pride igniting and ego boosting, my emotions simply gave up. I’m not sure why, but I don’t deal well with stress. I don’t deal well with people holding me to expectations. I struggle. I don’t know who doesn’t.

I must say I feel sorry for my instructors and the people where my horse lives. Most people don’t see me break down. But they always do for some reason. Maybe its because around my horse I feel like I can actually fall apart. Everyone has a safe place- thats mine. But I just wound up in tears over the most pathetic thing.

So, seeing as no one is home I decided tonight was my de-stress night. Time to myself. I don’t actually know when the last time was I had alone time. Silence. Ticking clock. Blinking lights. And me. It’s really nice. Unfortunately I had to ditch my boyfriend for the night in order for this alone time but I feel like I needed it. There wasn’t a choice.

Sometimes I think its not so much about how much you have on, or even your time management. It’s about making sure there are times you put you first. Times you get to be selfish. Time when you do exactly what it is you want to be doing.

That is coping.