Cat pee and cups of tea

I arrived home at 10pm on a Thursday after a quick two day trip to Russell in memory of my granddads passing. I ran a bath, made a cup of tea, sat aimlessly on the couch staring at a picture on the wall, stood in the kitchen for a moment wondering how to get food in my body without having to eat, then I went to my room. I petted my cat and went to put my hot wheat bag in the bed so it was warm when I got in. There, in the middle of the bed was a pee stain. A cat pee stain. I looked at the bed, I looked at Charlie, he looked back at me, I looked back at the bed. Right. I’m not sure what most people do when they’re emotional exhausted and find their cat peed in their bed, but I laughed. Charlie meowed. I laughed a bit more and looked at him and said, “yep, I know what you mean”. I have no idea what he meant. He’s a cat, he probably just meant he wanted food. But I’ll take it as a sorry. So the sheets are in the wash, including the waterproof mattress cover which is apparently not also cat-pee-proof and I’ve remade my bed. Of course he also got the duvet so that’s tomorrows job. I pulled out another one of my many and put that on my bed instead. The problem I faced with remaking the bed however, is every bed in this house is a double and mine is a queen…so fitting sheets on it is similar to me trying to fit back into my size six jeans after France.

So, here I am in my bath with my cup of tea, well the second cup, the first cup ended up cold and with floating bits of cat fur in it, balancing my laptop precariously on the edge of the bath because I’ve concluded this is my only quiet ‘me’ spot…it’s even safe from the cat.

Tomorrow, Friday, is all about bridal shower planning. I’m super excited but also rather dubious as to how I am going to make a paper mache in one day…guess it’s time to get out the hair dryer! I’m also rather frightened I might poison all the guests with cake as I haven’t made a normal cake in years and as I can’t taste it, well….you can imagine how that might end.

Never the less I am alive, I went for a run today and only nearly died, and I have tea, and a bath, and a clean bed.

Deep breaths, tomorrow is a new day.

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Another year older and a little bit wiser…sometimes

My butt is incredibly sore today. It’s a rather interesting way to end a birthday, but turns out sitting on it meant it needed massaging. And that hurt. But I think it’s going to be ok. With my flitting around the world this year it doesn’t quite feel time for my birthday to have come around again or that it’s been a year since granddad passed away. Charlie the cat is as weird as ever but he’s come around to sleeping on my bed and even thinks it’s fun to wake me up by standing on my head in the night. I spent the morning with mum at a spa for a detox treatment and I feel suitably loved and detoxed and filled with healthy chocolate. What on earth would the world do without chocolate?

The spa we went to gave me a little pink flower pot plant so I now have three living things that rely on me! I’m rather determined to keep it alive…the plant that is. I’m hoping the cat and horse can look after themselves a little because let’s be honest, I’m not actually that good at keeping even myself alive. But I’ve managed 22 years so that’s got to count for something!

I wanted to do a big post about how much has changed over the past year but sometimes there just aren’t words for things so here is a super brief recap:

I lost granddad, I brought a horse and sold a horse, Ivy had a baby horse and I sold him, I ran away overseas and travelled to nine countries in four months and absolutely loved it and learnt a bunch of life lessons, and I went from a four year relationship to single, I ended up with a cat. And here we are!

When I was a kid I always thought: “When I get to 21, life will be good”. I have no idea why it was 21, but I seemed to think life would stop there. I thought I’d have a car, a horse, a house, a job, and a degree and I’d be set for life. I have all that sure, but it’s nothing like I pictured and life is certainly not stopping here. I must chuckle at my much younger self and think, “Man, what am I going to think in another 10 years? Will I look back on my current self and think ‘how naive, if only you’d known’.” Yep, probably. But what I have come to realise is life never happens how you expect and even when it comes close to it, the feeling may be nothing like the one you’d anticipated. Walking away from my relationship was one of the hardest things to do. I wanted to fight, I wanted it to work. But I also hate giving up and sometimes I don’t know when to quit. Perhaps it was time to do so or perhaps I’m just stronger than I was four years ago, but I’m really quite ok. I’m sad in moments and angry in others but after losing people, seeing suffering in all parts of the world including my own, and having been diagnosed with a life altering health issue I feel like a break up is a mountain I’m well equipped to climb and with the support I have, there is absolutely no reason I won’t make a quick journey over the other side.

Anyway, instead of rambling on about all the changes I decided I’d instead write a list of all the things I’m grateful for in my life.

  • Amazing friends I’m not sure I’d be ok without
  • The chance to have worked at a great paper and have more experience under my belt than I ever imagined in my first 18 months of work.
  • A really cool, easy horse who is the bees knees
  • A not-so-cuddly cat who’s a bit weird but I like him.
  • Parents who are going to have to put up with my being at home a lot for the next few months
  • New work and volunteer opportunities
  • A body that functions properly 90 per cent of the time
  • A bed all to myself
  • Chocolate
  • The ability to travel the world on my own and all the incredible things I’ve learnt

I’d go on, but that’s the gist of it. In the past few months life has become an incredibly interesting and slightly frightening place to navigate. I spent several days standing on the top of mountains screaming “I’M ALIVE”, I spent days dragging a 20kg bag around with me, I’ve walked more miles than I ever thought was possible in four months, I’ve faced some of my biggest fears, I’ve eaten scorpions, I’ve seen suffering and heartbreak, and I’ve had the chance to change my world view.

Now I’m here and in my 22nd year I’m excited about what’s going to happen now. There are so many paths and picking the ‘right’ one seems scary, but it’s just taking that first step. And I’ll take it. Once I do, there won’t be any stopping me! For now the ‘to do’ list simply has one thing: keep climbing mountains and I mean that both figuratively and literally.

Tomorrow I’m heading up north with dad to celebrate the first year anniversary of granddad passing away. It’s a chance for me to revisit places Alex and I spent a lot of time and accept that’s part of the past, and it’s a chance to grieve but also acknowledge just how amazing granddad was and how mum we miss him, but also how ok we’re going to be.

So on that note, I’m going to leave this post with a bunch of quotes I found on this blog: http://thoughtcatalog.com/katie-wilkes/2014/12/20-quotes-that-all-20-year-olds-must-read/

“It’s better to have nobody than someone who is half there, or who doesn’t want to be there.”
Angelina Jolie

“You can tell so much about a person by the way they leave you.”
Redvers Bailey

“I will not be your sometimes.”
Anonymous, Six Word Stories

“The hours between 12 AM and 6 AM have a funny habit of making you feel like you’re either on top of the world or under it.”
Unknown

“I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.”
Katie Kacvinsky

“The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away.”
Alysia Harris

“Give yourself permission to immediately walk away from anything that gives you bad vibes. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. Just trust what you feel.”
Sonia Chuquette

“Nothing ever happens how you imagine it will.”
John Green

“Suddenly you’re 21 and you’re screaming along in the car to all the songs you listened to when you were sad in middle school and everything is different but everything is good.”
Unknown

“There had been too much emotion, too much damage, too much everything.”
Ernest Hemingway

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new.”
Socrates

“If you don’t make time to work on creating the life you want, you’re eventually going to be forced to spend a LOT of time dealing with a life you DON’T want.”
Kevin Ngo

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
Carl Sagan

So just remember life is beautiful even when it feels like you’ve been sat on by a bus or a large horse. Always take a moment before you decided to get back up off the ground because the sky is pretty damn beautiful. If you’ve fallen face down though that doesn’t really apply, sometimes mud can be good for your skin. Just remember that. And if you’re lonely, get a cat…they’re remarkably uncomplicated, even the strange ones.

Now here’s a song.

This is life

The thing I have come to realise about life, is you can’t chose which moments impact you the most.

There are things in life you think you’ll suffer from forever, then there are others you desperately want to move on from and just can’t. Too many people run, and hide, and refuse to admit just what’s really going on. Forgiveness has always been something I’ve found quite easy. Just move on, it’s that simple.

Nope. I’ve found it’s not quite so.

As I’ve said several times on here, I’ve been catching up with an ex. Sometimes a story doesn’t have an ending yet for a very good reason. There’s no spark so this is not coming from a place of those sort of feelings, but there is a lot of anger on my part.

I very rarely let my guard down for anyone, but he was part of my life in a particularly hard time, so I needed someone. Of course, as all great stories end, there was plenty of cheating. And because I’m like a dog with a bone I refused to stop asking the right questions until I understood just the extent of it all.

The problem is when I finally did, I couldn’t decide whether to laugh, or throw my soda water at him. Both probably would have been perfect…

I expected it to be easy to move on, but I realised last night, when I was angry at the world, and angry at myself for getting to a point where I struggle to trust anyone, that I wasn’t ‘over it’ and I wasn’t ready to forgive and forget.

I will be eventually, and it’s going to take a lot of strength to do that.

But words don’t describe the kind of hurt I felt over the whole situation.

I’m a grown up now (not by choice) so I’m going to have to deal with that hurt and move on in the best way I know how; lots of exercise until I’m too exhausted to be angry any more.

But there are certain things in life that drag up emotions we all like to avoid. Last year I lost my grandfather, the day after my 21st birthday. I also moved house and took on a greater work load at work during the same month. It was two days after he died I moved house, and the day before his funeral.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been so exhausted in my life.

But it was the one time I desperately needed someone to lean on. Anyone would have been okay. There is this awful sinking feeling when you look up, begging for help, and there is simply no one there to pull you back up.

I’m still struggling with that hurt. This ‘I am alone in this and I’m going to have to find a way out’ feeling. It’s perhaps one of the most daunting places to be in. And it’s going to take me a long time to forgive those closest to me for not being there, and expecting me to be ok with that.

So the reason for this long winded emotionally charged blog, is because I’m not holding back this year. I’m tired of watching what I say or what I share, hurt comes in many forms, and hiding doesn’t prevent you from it.

If there is a friend you haven’t seen for a while or someone who might be having a hard time, just take a few moments from your day and help them out.

You’d be surprised just how far a little love can go.

Sing a little happy song in the rain

Rain! Lovely wet rain! Ah it is beautiful. It’s so damp and miserable today. The sun hasn’t even bothered to come out. It makes me feel warm inside. I’m not really sure why. I’m pretty sure I’m a little bit insane. Either way.

Today in class someone was a little bit angry about someone being a bad person. ‘I hate it when people just talk to you when they want something’ she said (well not quite like that, I don’t want to get in trouble for miss quoting.) I think said in a rather thoughtful voice…’hmm… me too… wait. I am one of those people…’

Well I am. I mean no I do not go around using every single friend I have. I have my little, rather small group of friends… I’d like to say elite but in fear you may actually meet some of my friends… I wont make that claim. But when I need something and I haven’t spoke to someone in a while and I know they could help, I don’t really have any qualms about asking them.

Perhaps I am a bad person, or perhaps I am a smart person. Clever one would say.

So in the spirit of feeling good I have two books to read, FINALLY! The first one so far is wonderful. I am getting my hair redyed today AND my cat came home!

Today, you are a good one.

Anger you tooting beartch

After the sound advice from my naturopath to feel emotion I realized something; anger is a positively horrid emotion. It makes my tummy turn and my heart race and my jaw clench and my hands shake. Pretty much it makes me seem a little bit like a crazy person. Not that I am not crazy… I just perhaps don’t always look crazy. 

Regardless; I do not think it is an emotion I care to feel. I think it is rather pointless and a positive waste of good emotion space. Why am I angry you may ask, ahh, but all good secrets are kept secrets. Hence the reason I can never give an example of a good secret. 

My point is, other than having to undo strangely large amounts of damage done to my emotional state by refusing to feel much other than ‘yea ok, that’s life’ for several years… anger is not one of those emotions I am enjoying rediscovering. 

I think I like the idea of a punching bag.

Yes, yes that will do the trick.

Nap time… bring it on!

Its a nice day today. A sunny day. A happy looking day. I’m wearing my new cuddly jersey and I managed to eat 3 times today already! I’m underway with stories and no longer stressed about getting them done. 

Now I’m listening to a bit of music and laughing in class. It’s nice. It’s fun. Enjoyable. Many of the things we talk about would make most people question our maturity. I like it. 

One thing we were talking about today is being a kid again. 

Nap time. Baby food. Being read stories instead of writing them. It sounds heavenly! I mean when we were actually that little we never enjoyed those things because we had no idea what else was out there. I suppose that’s like anything though. You never know how good you’ve got it until it turns on you. Grows, develops into something you’re so unsure of. 

Man it would be so nice to be a little kid again. At least then I could throw tanties when I wasn’t happy! And sleep… all the time! 

Let’s grow down!

Here’s to coping with another day

Today was good. I rode my horse for the first time in years with absolutely no expectations. No goals or aims. I just had fun. Having fun. Wow, that is something that I don’t do often. Letting my hair down as such. No lately I’ve been more of a hair in a tight ponytail type person (metaphorically speaking as a ponytail actually gives me a headache). Maybe it is growing up. Perhaps it is the constant ‘be better’ pressure. 

It was a nice crisp Autumn day. Cold but not too cold. The grass has started growing again! I have plenty of hay. Plenty of feed. My horse is in great condition. We just went for a pleasant gallop across the paddock. It was border line saddle club style. 

Anyway, while I was taking in all the wonders we do actually have in the Waikato… yes I know, there are some. Like grass. It’s a wonderful thing when you’re part of the people who need it. I realized that it is impossible some days to wrestle yourself out of many of the hollows life likes to chuck you in, in a mad bull just bucked you off sort of way. 

For me, I see life as a fairytale. I have to. It is. I really actually do appreciate the smell Autumn leaves, hanging around just sort of lazing toward your nostrils. Or the way the infestation on rabbits is painfully annoying but incredibly cute! And the way I feel when I can just relax for those precious moments.

In a mumble bumble of story gathering, news writing, enjoying my horse and trying to enjoy the not so enjoyable aspects of life I am building myself.

Block by block we will get there. It might look a little patchworky but it will be whole. I’m not the person I was. I am a better version of it (unlike apples repetition of the same phone!). 

Eventually I will actually overcome the other little things that seem to hold me back… but until then it’s time to take it on the chin, suck it up like I’m squeezing into my new pants and build little walls to keep those nasty beartches out. 

You’re gunna make it one day kid.

It’s really happening. It’s all over now.

Oh flying peacocks and pink coloured mermaids. I feel as though the world is falling apart. Emotions seem to be running high and life seems to be just a little bit like we’re on the edge of a cliff and there is a possibility that the next sneeze in the wrong directions going to put you at the bottom. Fun, don’t you think? I mean I can’t talk I’m certainly on the end of the emotional spectrum (not sure which end… I think I’m borderline over dramatic and totally unable to take emotions too seriously… with exceptions like any good rule). But lately it seems like we’re living in either an American highschool or on ‘Day of our lives’.

It’s great. I enjoy it. I find human behaviour interesting. Sort’ve in the same way I used to watch my goldfish try to commit suicide by leaping out the water…before he died… in utter fascination and bewilderment.

Thankfully in order to take emotion far less seriously than I should and perhaps without a side of compassion, we have council reporting. A supposedly boring and long drawn out class- which, thanks to the tutor is actually bordering on mildly insane and makes me chuckle. Especially when our nearly retired tutor starts talking about penis’ and strange unrelated topics and the use of a dictionary that I swear weighs more than me.

So coming right back in good old-fashioned full circle. Life is just a little bit crazy on a plate of insanity with a side of emotion followed by a course of ‘can you believe it’ and a glass of astonishment.

I like it.

Love. A soppy post.

Today in class my stunningly umm… well my friend, was reading out this lovely post all about the ways to say ‘I love you’.

Then I realised.

In a horrific flash it dawned on me.

I am yet to write about love on here.

OH!

So, now is the time.

I think love is a wonderful thing. But I also think it is more than just the cute moments, the one’s that people see. I think it’s the moments when you realise you simply can not go on without that person. It’s when you’re arguing and all you want to do is forgive them because what they have done is far smaller than the concept of ruining everything. It is the small moments, the one’s that at first might not seem like anything. It’s when you suddenly realise that through all your differences, you make each other stronger. It is not about being perfect but about being perfect together. It is the remedy for all the pain and torment in your past. It can heal and renew, change and grow.

Love is patient and love is kind. Love does not judge nor does it hold grudges.

If you have the courage to love, you have to courage to achieve anything. Love is when you look at someone and you know who you are because of them. When you design the path of your life to flow with theirs. When you’re able to put the dreams you had behind you and colour over them with the person you adore.

When you love, you also realise the depth of hate. When you love you realise what it is to sacrifice. When you love you understand what it means to be selfless.

Love will open many doors and close others. But above all love is a beautiful disaster (not to be cliché or anything), a wonderful explosion of raw emotion. It is not easy.

But it is worth it.