The count down to Canada has begun! It’s less than a week before I fly out of the country and I’m still yet to figure out what on earth I’m packing. Sickness has found me once again in the form of a cold and all sorts of average feelings. But I had it coming really, my body doesn’t love take aways, no sleep, and alcohol for over a week! Running around in the rain probably didn’t help either. Never the less I’m now taking the hint and sleeping as much as is humanly possible while still working and occasionally eating. Ugh, I must be getting old. I’m now adding ‘don’t drink vodka’ to my New Years resolution list. Lately I seem to swing between wanting to cuddle up in bed with a good book and my cat and wanting to go clubbing all night and never sleep. I’m some weird combination of grown up and someone trying to relive their teenage years.

When I began 2015 my only new years resolution was to be ‘unapologetically me’. At the time I wasn’t entirely sure what that looked like, all I knew is I was tired of trying to make people happy or impress them and either putting on or shutting down parts of who I was to achieve that. I’d actually forgotten about it when I made 2016’s resolutions, until the other night. I was sitting with one of my best friends when he turned to me after a moment of silence and said “I’ve never met anyone who is so good at being themselves as you are”. It’s funny because I rarely stop to think about what I come across to people as. I know from feedback on my blog that each person reads what I write differently, and I really enjoy that, but I haven’t often stopped to think about how my friends perceive me or my life for that matter.

Quite often I get so focused and just doing my thing I don’t get the chance to congratulate myself on how far I’ve come or pat myself on the back for things I’ve achieved.

I have indeed managed to become unapologetically me and I now know what that looks like: me being me without trying – the people who like who I am, stay and those who don’t, leave. I really like who I am as a result of it and while it’s meant losing a few major people in my life, I’ve made even better friends and become closer to the some of ones I already had.

Part of my being me plan was to live life large; start saying yes more and getting out of my comfort zone. After travelling like I did I thought comfort zones were a thing of the past and getting out of them was a piece of cake. I was wrong, like I usually am, and I’ve found being single one of the hardest things to get used to in terms of meeting guys and striking up conversation with people. I don’t think many people realise just how comforting it is to have that one ‘person’ there for them and how little you rely on other people when in a relationship. Suddenly now I’m single I rely on people like I never have before. I need my friends around me; I need people to laugh with, have nights out with, talk to about random things in my day, share exciting things with, all the little things I shared in a relationship I’ve found other people to share them with. But that, until now, was a very daunting thing. And it still is at times. My happiness is reliant on a lot of different people, I’m still feeling vulnerable, those people can and will move and change and carry on with their own lives just like I will with mine…and I have no say about that. It’s scary. The unknown is scary.

But it’s also exciting. I’m learning to just enjoy the now and the people I have right now. I never thought I’d care about people or want to help people the way I do now. I’ve found the more I go through and the more I see in life the more determined I am to get alongside other people; face life together.

I had another friend point out the other day that I “do so many cool exciting things all the time”. Again, I’d never stopped to think about it. But I suppose when I add up the travelling, the hobbies, the nights out, I am in fact living life large. I’m enjoying every moment of it and I’m grabbing it by the horns. Instead of thinking about it, I’m just doing it. And I think that’s the best way to approach it.

I’ve become a happy-go-lucky people person and that was never something I expected. I looked at people who loved life and frolicked in genuine happiness with a bunch of amazing friends as foreign objects. I honestly had no idea how people did that. Yet just like that, I’m one of those people. When I say just like that I don’t really mean I closed my eyes one night and woke a up different person. I think it’s more a case of the deeper the sadness and hurt you face and the more you see of the world, the more you make the most of the good times and the faster you recover in the bad. It’s not that you ever really stop being sad about the really sad things, you just carry them around in a different way. I’m doing a terrible job of explaining this, but hopefully you get the jist.

So I’m going to stop there before I ramble on into oblivion. Bring on another 12 hour sleep night, healthy food, staying out of the rain, and having cuddles with my cat.




How my body has felt over the past month: “Ok, you need to rest, recover from jetlag. I said rest. No, alcohol is not rest. Stop it. I mean it. You need more than 6 hours sleep. Seriously. Stop. Stop what you are doing and drink some damn water girl. Ok, that really is enough alcohol now. I said stop. OK I REALLY MEAN I NOW STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND REST AND DAMN WELL GET SOME SLEEP WOMAN!”

I’m sick. The kind of miserable sick that makes me want to curl up with my favourite teddy, a hot lemon drink, and lots and lots of cold and flu tablets until my body decides to come out from hibernation. It’s my first week of work and I woke up this morning with no voice. Thankfully by 8am I had regained my voice and I can now speak in one tone, only one, without it sounding like I’m sick. Pretty much that means anything beyond a basic conversation is out. I managed to make it to work, get to the pharmacy, buy drugs that cost me two hours pay so I could stay at work and pretend I’m not sick.

I have my official title now! I’m a client liaison and marketing co-ordinator person. Heavens only knows what that means… but pretty much I’ve established I do research on where we can be improving our reach, I talk to clients and make sure they have what they need and pass them onto the relevant people, and I help the marketing team wherever necessary. In a nutshell that’s what it is anyway. That and making sure the coffee pot is always full, the bench is wiped down (I still to this day, two weeks into the job, have no idea how the guys in the office manage to get coffee from one end of the bench to the other… they don’t even make the coffee… ), make sure the office is organised, do the stationary order, which is really quite fun, and answer phones.

I also started in the show home last night as a show home hostess… basically I get to sit in a really nice new house and talk to people who come through about it about the house and the business. I get to know things like what colour it is, how high the ceilings are, what kind of carpet it has, and all the stuff about the business I’ve grown up learning. It’s amazing what you retain from eves dropping as a child…

Then there is also the communications work which has seen me get over my fear of pitching new business to potential clients.

If you’d asked me a year ago what I’d be doing this wouldn’t have been what I would have pictured, but it’s really great. I’m actually remarkably happy with life at the moment. One of the three guys I work with in the office asked me… for the first time I might add… what was going on in my world. I said, “Nothing really, it’s good”. He looked at me surprised and said, “Well that’s good there’s no complaints”. Nope. Nothing to complain about here. And I thought about it for a moment, that despite how sick I am (and yes I know I’m complaining on here… I’M ALLOWED), and how rather broken I’ve been feeling lately about the break up, or how annoyed I am I can’t ride every day yet, or how windy Tauranga is, or how ridiculous the traffic is, life is great. It sure as hell has been a lot worse and could still be a lot worse. I think, having hit a pretty low low last year, I have realised how simple it can be to put foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.

Difflam spray and Coldrex definitely helps with that. I think I might actually become addicted to Difflam, is that possible? It tastes so delicious.

I’m also coming to this point where the idea of being in a new relationship is actually freaky. It’s not like a ‘oh I just want to be single for a while’, because I do want to do that, but it’s this kind of weird feeling of how do I be with anyone else when I’ve been with one person for so many years? And it’s not even that many years. Four years is just a blip in terms of an entire life span. But it feels like forever because I’m only 22… so it’s a fifth of my life (I think, I’m bad at maths). I can be a really weird person at times…I’m like this energetic, optimistic, freakishly excitable soul in a pessimistic, worn out, sarcastic body. And then there are all the health problems that I know I’m on top of but it might not stay that way and I could legitimately turn a bit crazy. And that freaks me out. So imagine how I feel about talking to someone else about that? IT’S JUST ALL SO COMPLICATED.

So I’m rolling with #single. But then on the other hand I’m all like #lovingflirting and I swing dramatically between the two. Then I also occasionally go with #imgoingtobealoneforever and #sobbinginmylonliness but also #lookatallthispaceinmybedforME and #noonetoanswerto.

You can see how this might be a bit confusing at times?

It doesn’t help that when I get sick I get delusional. So right now I know I’m making very strange statements and I should be kept away from my blog but there is no one to stop me blogging and so I’m going to post it anyway! Sigh.

So life is this… a great mix of new people, new adventures, getting back into jumping my horse, making goals, having dreams, enjoying working, loving the beach, and also struggling daily with feeling lost, alone, angry, and hurt. But I have great friends and I know it’s on the up. Things are just how they are, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’m not sad about life being different, it’s just different. And that sometimes takes a bit of adjusting.

Moving cities has also been a challenge and I regularly miss the Waikato and wonder if I made the right choice moving back. But I did. I know I did. Even if NO ONE IN THIS CITY CAN DRIVE PROPERLY…I get to be close to family and friends and once things slow down a bit and I have routine in the new year… I can start planning my next adventures. Because I have a whole life ahead of me to live them in. So time to start working and saving and dreaming.


Cat pee and cups of tea

I arrived home at 10pm on a Thursday after a quick two day trip to Russell in memory of my granddads passing. I ran a bath, made a cup of tea, sat aimlessly on the couch staring at a picture on the wall, stood in the kitchen for a moment wondering how to get food in my body without having to eat, then I went to my room. I petted my cat and went to put my hot wheat bag in the bed so it was warm when I got in. There, in the middle of the bed was a pee stain. A cat pee stain. I looked at the bed, I looked at Charlie, he looked back at me, I looked back at the bed. Right. I’m not sure what most people do when they’re emotional exhausted and find their cat peed in their bed, but I laughed. Charlie meowed. I laughed a bit more and looked at him and said, “yep, I know what you mean”. I have no idea what he meant. He’s a cat, he probably just meant he wanted food. But I’ll take it as a sorry. So the sheets are in the wash, including the waterproof mattress cover which is apparently not also cat-pee-proof and I’ve remade my bed. Of course he also got the duvet so that’s tomorrows job. I pulled out another one of my many and put that on my bed instead. The problem I faced with remaking the bed however, is every bed in this house is a double and mine is a queen…so fitting sheets on it is similar to me trying to fit back into my size six jeans after France.

So, here I am in my bath with my cup of tea, well the second cup, the first cup ended up cold and with floating bits of cat fur in it, balancing my laptop precariously on the edge of the bath because I’ve concluded this is my only quiet ‘me’ spot…it’s even safe from the cat.

Tomorrow, Friday, is all about bridal shower planning. I’m super excited but also rather dubious as to how I am going to make a paper mache in one day…guess it’s time to get out the hair dryer! I’m also rather frightened I might poison all the guests with cake as I haven’t made a normal cake in years and as I can’t taste it, well….you can imagine how that might end.

Never the less I am alive, I went for a run today and only nearly died, and I have tea, and a bath, and a clean bed.

Deep breaths, tomorrow is a new day.

Here’s a fantastic song and another rant.

On days like today, when you just come to accept the fact the world is going to throw it all at you, I listen to songs like this. I also drink copious amounts of tea, work productively, and dream about tropical white sandy beaches and cocktails. When I get to the point of “Oh fine, come at me” I feel empowered. Not that I actually mean come at me, because too many more crappy moments today will probably result in me, with my teddy, a hot water bottle, chips, and more tea, in bed at 6pm, searching the internet for inspirational crap. 

If I reach that stage, I strongly suggest someone rescue me before I eat myself into the murky depths of wallowing. 

Then again, at least it would mean I was warm. But the sun is out today, I’ve dyed my hair, and I have my purple coat. That’s a pretty good part of the day. 

Back in business

When I received an email from work the other day my first thought was “NO, NOT BLOGGING!”

It was a reminder email we should not be using the work internet for personal use, blogging was the first example. Ops. I see it more as getting idea out of the way that would otherwise hinder my work process…somehow… I don’t think the sender would get that. None the less, I’ve been very good at trying to stick to this. There are just so many interesting things that I come across when researching for articles. I suppose that sort of counts as work stuff? 

After my little break down last week I have used this time of not blogging during work hours to do something called ‘pulling my socks up’ and got back on track of doing things that revolve around me at least twice a week so I don’t go completely mental. 

I am a total pro at doing too much, for too many people, too often. So, as I was doing something, on someday, at a particular time, I came to the realisation that I can change most things in my life, when I want. Stress is a perception I am told, and I realised just what that meant. I have control over my life, I get way to emotionally involved and care far too much about things that don’t require that level of giving two flying hoots. There are some things in life requiring one answer: wine, chocolate, crackers, a hot cup of tea, and bed. 

Yeah… the alcohol cutting out thing didn’t last all that long… but I have reduced it significantly to moments where one just needs her damn wine, thankfully these only really happen about once to twice a month. Tea seems to fix all problems of slightly lesser value. 

Winter is happily reminding me it is on its way with torturous cold mornings of 6 degrees Celsius. That might not seem that cold to some, but when it is dark, you are still waking up, and it used to be at least 10 degrees warmer a week ago…it’s not fun. Even my horse isn’t too keen on the whole idea. If anyone had have watched our ride down the road this morning they would have wondered if we were both drunk. I think the wonky line was Pip’s way of telling me ‘umm… I’d like to be in my paddock, and I know you will tell me off if I turn around, so I am just going to sort of indicate I want to go back in the direction of my paddock.’

It’s going to be a long winter.

I did however manage to get enough time this week to clean my room. My flatmate looked at me funny when I declined an evening get together at a warm bar to tidy. I gave myself a funny look, so I don’t blame her. But it was worth it to wake up this morning to see a super clean room and in crisp fresh sheets.

It was part of my war against the rats. They have managed to tear the wallpaper off in two corners of my room and rip up the carpet. No matter what I did, they kept coming back. I think they are gone, after realising they could not dig through concrete, and everything I could wash has been, including the teddies.

Next step is a cat. So they better hurry up and vacate!

My other flatmate is allergic to cats though… so not sure how to get around that one, other than a small dog. But somehow I think that may cause more damage than the rat. She, the flatmate, has not returned home. Her holidays finished a week ago, I’m not quite sure at what point one is meant to start being concerned?

Never the less, that has meant a house to myself many nights over the last week. The relaxation, time out, getting jobs done, setting time aside for Alex, drinking copious amounts of tea, have helped significantly in my recovering from near completely mental status.

So, as winter approaches I am thankful for good friends, a boy friend with a fire place, gloves, scarves, my incredibly snugly bed, heat pumps, and hot showers. Bring on the frosts, I am prepared! 

Not really, I’m only kidding. No frosts please!

My partner isn’t my only best friend

I’m not quite sure how to talk about this topic. To be quite honest, I would not be suprised if I balls it up completely. But I’m going to give it a shot anyway because, well, I think some of these things need to be said. 

As you are well aware, my emotions have been pretty all over the show lately. Happy, sad, struggling, lonely, overwhelmed would be a pretty good way to describe my state, that and a little bit of crazy. Lately I’ve been making some really awesome friends, but there is one in particular that I have grown really close to. 

The topic of whether guys and girls can ‘just’ be ‘friends’ is always one that people are divided on. To be completely honest, I think it does make things harder, but it also has many benefits. The problem seems to be more when one person has a partner, or both. 

It is incredible how many people think once you have a partner, there should be no other connections with the opposite sex. Be to perfectly honest I really do think this is a way of thinking that messes with peoples minds. 

Since I was very young I have always had best friends that were guys, plenty of amazing girl friends too, but I found it easier to create those connections with guys. 

Society seems to put things in a box, tie a pretty little bow on it and present it to you in such a way that it is easy to just go, ok, so this is what life is. 

But tonight I suddenly realised what was bothering me so damn much. I do not fit in a box, nor have I ever, and I wont. I do not think the human brain was designed to only ever have ‘one’ connection with someone. We need those connections, opposite sex or not, to keep our brains working, and learning, and excited. We want to be more than what we are, and we need that. 

I am allowed to feel close to someone as a friend even with a partner.

This is an incredibly freeing statement. Life does not stop with the person we date or marry. It does not mean we love them any less or are ‘wandering’ or wanting out. It doesn’t make you any less committed. It just means you have a desire to love, and discover so many different types of love. 

I am very tired of expecting this manufactured life, I deserve so much more. I want to love many people, I want to see many things, feel many things, I want to experience and take in everything life has to offer. And I do not mean this in a ‘be free do whatever or whoever whenever you want’. I mean in a find your place, learn your boundaries, discover the world and the people in it. That should not take away from your relationship. That significant other should always, at the end of the day, be the one person you depend on in whole other way, and love in a way that cannot be explained, and want to spend the rest of your life with.

But that should not limit you. 

Anyway, enough of my ramble.

Here is a link that inspired this post in the first place: http://thoughtcatalog.com/chelsea-fagan/2014/04/21-reasons-why-a-relationship-can-never-replace-your-best-friend/

Goal Keeper

When you’re 20 people start asking: “So where do you want to get to in life?” “What are your goals?” “Where to from here?” Of course people don’t stop to think you’ve only JUST managed to get to the point of doing something with your life. In my early 20’s I am feeling something like I do when I walk quickly up the mount (a small ‘mountain’ in Tauranga City New Zealand that takes about half and hour to an hour to walk up depending on who you are… and how much pain you want to put yourself through). 

The whole way up I am thinking “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. Nearly there, just a little more pain and you’ll be there!” (now I sound like I am talking about child birth)… when I finally get to the top I look out and think “man, I am so glad I did that! I’m just going to stop for a while. A) so I can get my breath back because I lost it somewhere on the track about half way up, b) so I can enjoy the view I worked so hard to see. 

Standing on the top of that mountain is where I am in my life right now. Sure, while I’m up there I’m thinking of all the other cool things I want to achieve that day, like showering, sleeping, maybe a stroll on the beach. I am also thinking about the next weeks worth of fitness. But I am not actively going about it. Not yet. I am just enjoying the view and taking a moment to regenerate my batteries before I take off again.

I think that, this, is probably one of the best places to be in your life. You’ve managed the struggle. You’ve gone through a bit of pain. You’re alive, and you are grateful. There is so much to take in and appreciate, while at the same time you just need a moment to recover from the uphill battle you’ve gone through to get it. 

I have goals, plenty of them. But they’re in fragments, pieces that are yet to be constructed. I want a lot from life, and I want to give a lot in my life. I want to be many things over my years to come, and I want to make a name for myself. There is not a moment where I stop wanting more. 

But, there are moments where I stop and love what I have. Where I stop ‘aiming’ just for a moment. Where I just breathe. Every single person needs those moments, those are life. The struggles and the heartaches are part of life. But getting through them is the reward. That is when you feel alive. 

These are the moments that keep you going through the tough times. 

Now I have my answer for those people, “This is my goal. This was what I wanted. I have everything right in this moment that I need and could ever want. There will come a time shortly where I strive for more, where I put those goals into an achievable plan and I go get them. But right now, I’m just going to enjoy the most incredible view in the world.”



Happiness is infectious

Reinventing yourself. Never really got this when people used to talk about ‘changing’. I just thought it was all hot air. Now I’ve jumped in on this reinventing thing. 

When I came back from Auckland I thought yes, some thing has to change. It’s simply got to get better. And it has. No, it is not perfect. I am still stressed, worries that I may not pass shorthand, concerned with all the small assignments that creep up on me like some crazy stalker in the middle of the night. But I’m ok with it. 

I’ve started running. While yes, I still sometimes feel like I’m dying it is getting better. I’m loving it. The feeling of getting out, doing something, being fit. Feeling like you’re on top of the world. Running past people and some of them look at you the way I used to look at people who ran – envy that they could do it! Others just look at me like I’m loony wanting to put my body through something like that. I don’t blame those people. 

The best part is I’m wearing very little if any make-up when I run. This might seem weird to some people, that’d I’d wear it at all. I’d like to not even have to think about it. But as someone who has battled terrible skin for several years now it just becomes second nature.

Get up, wash your face, put on concealer, pray it stays on, cover with foundation and then a nice layer of finishing powder. It’s just what you do to feel good about yourself. I admire people who don’t have to and envy those who have great skin. Now though, things have been getting better. My health is on the right track and my skin is clearing up and I’m no longer feeling like a thunder cloud is attached to me. 

I feel good.

Surrounded by people who are genuinely amazing, finding new hobbies and obsessions, eating well and enjoying life – that is something that is harder to gain than most people think.

I appreciate it.

This reinvention of myself is good, perhaps people might not see it but I can feel it. A deep bubbly happiness that life is in fact beautiful. It is what you make of it and as long as you have people to help you up when you feel like you’ve fallen off the cliff of happiness, it is ok. 

It’s all going to be ok.

It’s all going to be great.

Little joys and a strange appreciation

The little joys in life are the ones that make us happy. After a weekend of enjoying being young and my friends accompanied by bad dancing this week looks a little less daunting. I don’t know if I just look super friendly today or if people feel sorry for me but I have had a record number of waves. The old man pushing the trollies who looked like I had just made his day by stopping at the crossing, the lady I let in so she didn’t have to wait in traffic, though hers was more of a flippant ‘thank you my day has been hectic and now little tommy is screaming in the backseat.’ Then it was all topped off by the super duper overly friendly asian sushi lady who looked like she had just won lotto when I brought an 8 pack of sushi. The only person who didn’t seem so happy was the man at the supermarket counter who had to wait while the supervisor come to check someone’s ID. It is probably one of the most awkward situations when you’re just standing there… waiting… waiting… I tend to start talking to myself in my head. Then I begin to wonder if there actually is a way for people to read minds, then I start freaking out. Not because of the possible ability to read minds but the fact that if they read my mind… life would no longer be the same for them. That would make me feel a little bad. 

So all in all my flying, coloured weekend was a nice refreshing change and I am now satisfied that I have not lost my youth. Today was the reminder that I am still getting old. We just don’t recover from weekend like we used to. Then again, it is quite possible I am actually sick. I think I’ll stick to that one. 

It’s ok life, we’ll take the next week slowly.