Let go of the rope, breathe

Winter is finally here. It has wrapped its cool, comforting fingers around my face and I’m settling into a routine. I love winter. There is plenty to love about summer sure; long nights, festivals, parties, friends, less work, people have more energy. But winter is my one true love and always has been. There is just something stunning about waking up to a crisp morning, dressing warmly for the day and slipping out the door. I heap blankets on my bed, snuggle up and watch movies on weekends, hit the mountains snowboarding; winter is a time of family, fun, and peace for me. Oh and cuddles. Can’t beat a nice cuddle on a wintry day.

I was chatting to a friend this morning who’s off running around the world again. He’s off to Barcelona shortly. I’m jealous! I’d love to be off to Barcelona…or anywhere for that matter. But as we were chatting I did realise something, I’m remarkably comfortable with life. It’s been an adjustment, a really big one, over the past year and a half from loosing granddad, leaving journalism, to travelling, to the adjustment of coming back home. But suddenly, as I was chatting to Sam last night, I realised, actually, it’s time to let it all go.

Today is the first day I’ve felt ‘at home’ since I came back. It’s the first day I’ve looked around and realised my new normal is incredible. No it’s not quite as spectacular as travelling to Barcelona, but it’s lovely.

I have an incredible relationship, the sort I wake up each day and can’t believe my luck. I have a cute cat and he’s all mine, I’m loving my study, I’m good at my job and I’m enjoying it, my horse is happy and I can snuggle her every now and then. My stress levels are at an all time low and I’m feeling at peace.

It’s time to let go now of the past, of talking about it, of processing it. I am finally at a stage I’m really happy to not be moving on, but to have moved on.

Everyone adjusts to life at different paces, and I think I was struggling to accept I had indeed created the kind of life I craved, the kind of peace and happiness I’d never really allowed myself, the friendships that I envied in other people. It doesn’t need changing anymore, because what I have is everything I need.

This counselling paper I’m doing at the moment is interesting. As I work further through it and read more I can feel myself start to just relax. I’ve been able to feel on a deeper level, appreciate on a greater level, and love in a way I thought was only reserved for people who were naïve.

Essentially just get over the crap (putting it in a less airy fairy way, cause I think I’ve been dealing with too many marketing and psychology words lately!).

Love doesn’t have to have walls and precautions, work doesn’t have to be stressful, study can be enjoyable.

Life being simple can be a good thing. Let it be simple, let it be peaceful, let it be lovely.

I feel an overwhelming sense of freedom…and I didn’t realise a relationship could feel like that. I want to travel more, and I can travel, I want to explore a range of careers and move around, and I can do that, I want to write a book, I can do that.

No I’m not travelling the world or seeing incredible things or saving lives right now. But I’ll get there again at some point. There is a time and place for everything, and right now my time and place is here, with the people I have and with the things I’m doing.

I rush too much.

I’m learning to deal with that.

My room is a beautiful little haven now, Sam’s flatmates are a good laugh and I like being able to hijack them as my friends for the snowboarding season since mine have all run off to new places, I’m so lucky to be able to spend more time with my mum and dad now I’m living at home and see my little brother grow up a bit more, I’m lucky I’m just around the corner from my grandparents, and I love having Sam so close he can just come around for dinner.

I think I’ve been trying to hide from the happy emotions. I never wanted to move back to Tauranga, but what I wanted and what I needed were two very different things. I’ve been stubborn about admitting that. I feel at home here now. I love being here.

It’s taken me by surprise that I can in fact have the things in a relationship and in life that I’ve been craving and it’s actually not hard.

In a lot of ways, and we all already know this, it’s perspective over situation. My situation hasn’t changed since last week, or even yesterday, but my sudden realisation that I don’t need to be on the defensive toward my life and never allow myself to enjoy it for what it is, has changed my attitude.

Life now is an incredible amount better than what I’d planned. So I’ll admit it once again, because I tend to forget this lesson I’ve learnt: stop planning, start living, start enjoying, and go where it takes you.

And breathe. I don’t do that nearly enough.

 

Advertisements

24. ways to love life (and be strange)

Today is the kind of day I spend watching movie trailers rather than a whole movie. It’s not because I don’t like watching whole movies, there’s just some days I sit still for too long and my brain is like, ‘Well the least you can do is not do the same thing for long periods of time while sitting still’. And I say, ‘alright, let’s just watch movie trailers and make up the endings’. I should not be left alone.

This sickness has taken over my body. I was getting annoyed about it until I realised that I’ve only been home a little over eight weeks and that’s probably not enough time for my immune system to have got on board with the winter bugs all you people are now immune too. Ah the downfalls of skipping winter.

My little brother and I had a chat today as he was procrastinating and decided to keep me company. He announced, while I was whinging about being older but not caring, “Well, you are closer to 40 than you are to being born.” And I looked at him with a sudden realisation that, that, is indeed very true. It shouldn’t be as frightening as it is. But some days I wake up and think to myself, “I’m sure I’m still 20 and the last two years have been a strange and really realistic nightmare.” But sadly I am wrong. And they are real.

It began to sink in when I thought about my five year life goals. I don’t have set plans now, just goals, and I was like, yeah, five years is a good aim for a house and possibly a little bit of land and another cat. Maybe I’ll travel three of four times as well. THEN, it hit me. I’ll be 27 in five years. 27. THAT’S NOT FAR AWAY.

I also realised I have a little brother who is going to be 17 in a few months. And a sister who’s talking about buying a house with her boyfriend. Me? I’m dreaming about my next trip overseas and what kind of coffee I’m ordering for work.

My biggest problem right now is I’ve taken to sleeping in the middle of my bed… and now there’s an indent and it’s uneven and that bothers me considerably.

Being single is a strange world to navigate after so much time spent in a relationship. For starters, there’s all these strange rules about talking to people… and I’m all like ‘But, but, I just want to talk ’cause they’re cool?!’ And people are like ‘Whoa, but you can’t just TALK, you have to FLIRT, and you have to be hard to get and stuff!’ And I’m like ‘SHUT UP INTERNET, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!’

So I’m instead buying a world map and picking places to travel and loving my cat who comes to see me once a day for food… and talking to people I think are cool when I want. And I might seem strange. And that’s because I really am strange.

My little brother weighed in on this topic and after making me feel old, made me feel a bit better by saying, “Just be you.” And I thought that was sweet. He’s right though. It may mean I end up alone with 10 horses and 50 cats after travelling the world three times over. But what’s so wrong with that? I’ll figure it out. But I decided to write a few ‘rules’ of my own to tell the internet just what I think of it’s ‘being single’ advice.

  1. Say strange things because it’s fun
  2. If someone can talk about food for more than two sentences, they’re going to be a good person to talk to.
  3. Speak to people when you want to speak to them, not just when you’re lonely.
  4. People will stop talking to you sometimes, and you’re going to be really quite ok with that.
  5. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to hide a personality trait to be accepted.
  6. Speak using GIF’s on Facebook chat. It’s great fun.
  7. Never stop wondering what more life could offer and going after it.
  8. Keep it simple. It is what it is. STOP OVER THINKING LIFE.
  9. Dance randomly
  10. Sing loudly (in public so people give you funny looks)
  11. Fall in love with parts of your life you’d forgotten were so good
  12. Love the people you have and appreciate them for the crazy humans they are.
  13. Don’t cry when you kill the pot plant…buy another one and try again.
  14. Be a little bit more of yourself each day
  15. Pet an animal daily
  16. Set goals you’d have never thought about before
  17. Exercise regularly…push yourself beyond what you’ve previously been capable of.
  18. Go out and look damn good
  19. Be excited for someone about something that’s important to them.
  20. Run along the beach in the middle of the night with alcohol and friends (alone would just be weird).
  21. Buy yourself a present because you damn well can.
  22. Ask people random questions when you meet them and have fun watching their surprised reactions.
  23. Eat chocolate, drink wine.
  24. Never underestimate the power of laughter!

And there you have it.

Enjoy fellow blog readers!

 

Rolling on through

Oh summer, where have you gone! December is always a bit of an iffy month…but part of me was still holding out for a beautiful sunny first week. Instead I am sitting behind my computer in Tauranga at 5pm wondering if we’re actually in Hamilton in the middle of winter.

Week one of work has so far gone quite smoothly. I’ve managed to remember how to file, how to do research, how to operate a PC computer (they’re of the devil I’m sure…), and I’ve learnt how to do invoices.

#winning

No, all jokes aside it looks like it’s going to be quite a cool job. I get great hours, good pay, and have time to learn all about different areas of the property market…which I am a bit obsessed with at times.

By the time this year ends I will have gone from having no job to having three quite good part time roles: admin/marketing, show home hostess (cheers dad), and Communications Consultant. Oh and don’t forget the cool title of ‘Youth Engagement Manager’ for YouthNet. All titles aside, pretty much I spend my day either talking to people about something I can do for them, or doing things for people that need to be done because they don’t want to do them. As for the youth one…the New Year should see that become more of a doing something and less of a ‘I’ve got a cool title and business cards!’.

Why have I gone from being all like ‘nooo, I want a life I don’t want to spend it working’, yet now have three jobs? Well, they’re all flexible which makes my heart sing and means I can actually exercise properly (I hope) but it’s also because I have grand plans for more travel come the end of the year.

When don’t I have grand plans?

I’ve managed to keep my pot plant alive thus far, my horse is so fat and has eaten so much grass she’s gone borderline mad, and the cat thinks life is better anywhere that I’m not…unless I’m feeding him. I don’t blame him. If I was a cat I’d spend all my days wandering around making friends.

Christmas is rolling around and I’m yet to even utter the words ‘Christmas shopping’, but I do have a plan for New Years celebrations and I’m hoping to get something of a in my two weeks off during office close down.

Then it’s off to Canada! Life never really does get boring!

So on that note I must leave with my pounding headache from a lack of sleep and too much coffee so I can see my fat horse and eat some food before I escape to church tonight for a ladies evening.

I will stop at some stage.

I think.

No promises though.

Goal Keeper

When you’re 20 people start asking: “So where do you want to get to in life?” “What are your goals?” “Where to from here?” Of course people don’t stop to think you’ve only JUST managed to get to the point of doing something with your life. In my early 20’s I am feeling something like I do when I walk quickly up the mount (a small ‘mountain’ in Tauranga City New Zealand that takes about half and hour to an hour to walk up depending on who you are… and how much pain you want to put yourself through). 

The whole way up I am thinking “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. Nearly there, just a little more pain and you’ll be there!” (now I sound like I am talking about child birth)… when I finally get to the top I look out and think “man, I am so glad I did that! I’m just going to stop for a while. A) so I can get my breath back because I lost it somewhere on the track about half way up, b) so I can enjoy the view I worked so hard to see. 

Standing on the top of that mountain is where I am in my life right now. Sure, while I’m up there I’m thinking of all the other cool things I want to achieve that day, like showering, sleeping, maybe a stroll on the beach. I am also thinking about the next weeks worth of fitness. But I am not actively going about it. Not yet. I am just enjoying the view and taking a moment to regenerate my batteries before I take off again.

I think that, this, is probably one of the best places to be in your life. You’ve managed the struggle. You’ve gone through a bit of pain. You’re alive, and you are grateful. There is so much to take in and appreciate, while at the same time you just need a moment to recover from the uphill battle you’ve gone through to get it. 

I have goals, plenty of them. But they’re in fragments, pieces that are yet to be constructed. I want a lot from life, and I want to give a lot in my life. I want to be many things over my years to come, and I want to make a name for myself. There is not a moment where I stop wanting more. 

But, there are moments where I stop and love what I have. Where I stop ‘aiming’ just for a moment. Where I just breathe. Every single person needs those moments, those are life. The struggles and the heartaches are part of life. But getting through them is the reward. That is when you feel alive. 

These are the moments that keep you going through the tough times. 

Now I have my answer for those people, “This is my goal. This was what I wanted. I have everything right in this moment that I need and could ever want. There will come a time shortly where I strive for more, where I put those goals into an achievable plan and I go get them. But right now, I’m just going to enjoy the most incredible view in the world.”

 

 

Life is good.

Cold morning- refreshing though. A sleep in! 8.35. I wake with joy for the prospect that today might be wonderful. It’s a friday… I’m meant to have fridays off. Journalism never stops. That ok. Back out to the river to report once again. I’m going to be late. It doesn’t even matter! 

I breathe… Hay I’d forgotten I could do that. 

The sun is shinning, the clock is ticking… the birds are possible chirping… not that I can hear them. 

I even have time to make breakfast… scrambled eggs and semolina! 

Life is good. 

Life is really good guys.