“Never settle,” I couldn’t help but agree

“Why didn’t you want to be with me?”

I waited patiently for the answer. I’d wanted the answer long before now but something had always stopped me from asking the question. What is it I always say? Don’t ask a question you don’t want an answer to. The answer I wanted was a straight forward one, a simple ‘you should have done this but you didn’t and I couldn’t deal with that’. I knew I wasn’t going to get that. I knew, deep down, this was nothing I could fix.

So I asked the question, twice.

“Why didn’t it work out?”

“Honestly, I didn’t want to grow up. I didn’t want to settle down.” He went on. “A good friend said to me once, never be too quick to settle.”

I agreed with him.

Never settle.

“That’s not the answer you wanted was it?” He asked me.

“No,” I said.

I took a breath. It was nothing I could have changed. Nothing. It wasn’t on me. But does that make it better? Does having the honest answer actually make it better? To be left because someone simply does not want to wake up everyday and know you’re theirs? Because their sense of freedom is more important than your love and your friendship?

Yes. Yes it does make it better.

Because while I like to analyse and think deeply about how to ‘fix’ everything and everyone…there are times, like this one, where I have to accept that something simply was not meant to be.

“I think,” I began, “There were a lot of areas of our personalities that we clashed in.”

“Yeah, you would always say you were alright when you weren’t.” He said it in such a way that each word could have been missed, but I caught them, and they hit, hard.

I don’t do that with Sam. Sam sees everything. I worry he’s sick of me opening up too much, too often.

“Are you seeing anyone?” I asked the question before I had a chance to wonder if I wanted the answer…or what answer I’d have preferred.

“Yes, kind of.”

I paused for a brief second before launching into questions; who was she, what did she look like, what was her name, what did she do? What about her made him want to be with her.

And then he told me about her. And she sounds perfect for him, really perfect. I stopped, the sun was quite bright and I was sweating a little because I was trying to figure out if I felt nothing because I was in shock or if I simply wasn’t bothered by it.

Then with the weight of the words ‘settle’, with the realization I could never open up, and the sudden moment of happiness I felt when I knew he’d found someone…I smiled.

Because I knew, I’ve known for a while, for sure, that I had moved on. And I never thought I would. I never thought I would put those broken pieces back in a far more glorious way and be better off because of it. In the tears, the moments of panic, of pain, of regret, of hurt and sadness, of bitterness and resentment, of loss and anger I never thought I would be so okay.

The other day I was chatting to friend during a conversation and mentioned that selling Ivy might be something I have to consider at some point if I want to move around a lot. Sam immediately jumped in with a “no”.

Ivy means the world to me. She’s been my constant rock in the midst of some chaotic times and I couldn’t imagine life without her in it. Sam hasn’t seen that. I’ve ridden her less than a handful of times since I met him and I rarely speak about her. It’s not that I don’t care anymore, it’s just had to take a backseat focus. Yet somehow, he just knew selling her would be a bad idea.

I think that’s when you know. When you don’t have to say a word and they know. When you don’t have to convince someone of something, they know. When you can be yourself every second, every moment, and it’s okay. I can be more of myself than I’ve ever been able to be with one person.

Never settle. I agree with that.

Never settle for someone who doesn’t do everything in their power to love you, to nurture you, to help you grow, to see you smile.

I have stopped looking for another someone. But I will definitely not be settling.

I will not be settling for someone and I will not be settling down with someone. But I will most certainly share my life with someone who makes it more of a life because they’re part of it.

Alright, cute overload over. But I thought it was appropriate to have a sort of ‘final’ blog for the end of the relationship saga.

Now you’ll all just have to put up with me whinging about how my cup of tea always gets cold too quickly and the paper scanner at work hates me and how I can’t be bothered going to the gym this week so I’m giving myself a week off just cause.

The just cause is so I can ride Ivy, so I can make dinner for my family and for Sam, so I can spend a bit of time with my sister. I have goals, but at the same time, there is definitely an art to perfecting when you have to give and when you have to go for it. It’s all about balance.

On that note! Cheerio for now!

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Ops, I think I was too honest again

Relationships are scary things. Anyone who’s been reading this for a while know’s I’m more of a ‘fall flat on my face while walking up stairs, spill my drink down my front’ type of person. So it comes as no surprise I’ve sat behind my computer staring at the screen for days now wondering what on earth to write and how to put it all.

I’m a mess, a hot one some days (this is usually only my opinion while drinking tequila. Always blame tequila), but generally I’m a ‘going to the supermarket in my pj’s because I forgot how to dress myself’ kind of mess.

(don’t worry, I’m yet to actually do that…but there will come a time)

So it comes as no surprise I accidentally found myself in a relationship. Because yes, I am that kind of person. I’ve told a few people close to me and they’ve all laughed and said ‘that’s how it’s meant to be’.

Wait, so relationships are meant to just happen? They’re meant to be easy? And this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach is normal and they’re called butterflies?

(I’ve decided the butterflies need to do some serious working out and ease up on the coffee, cause they are heavy and crazy!)

Last blog I mentioned something romantic along the lines of “everyone needs to learn how to let go of the cliff and just fall”. I apologise for such sentiments because I am, right this very moment (metaphorically speaking), clinging to every single thing I can find on that cliff face screaming “NOPE, NOPE NOPE NOPE. I AM NOT FALLING IN LOVE”.

So here’s the thing…I have found someone truly amazing (skip this part if you don’t like mushy). Every single day he surprises me with something that makes me smile, or laugh. There are so many moments I look at him and just think ‘yep, I love you’. I am so comfortable and so damn happy with him it makes me want to slap myself for being so damn cute.

But I am terrified he won’t stick around. That he will get a little way down the line and realise ‘he’s not ready’ or that ‘it’s just not right’ or he’ll run off with someone else. I want to be confident, I’m a confident person, but when you find something amazing and everything else amazing has turned into anything but what you expected, it’s hard to have confidence that what you see is what it really is.

I want to sit there and have the ‘are you sure you’re ready for something like this because breakups aren’t fun and I can’t do another one’ convo. That’s a scary conversation to have. I can guess all I like about how someone feels about me but I want to know, I want someone to look at me and tell me exactly why this will work or exactly why they want me.

Me.

I want to know what makes me special…out of every person. Because there will be other people, there is always other people. And you always have a choice. At some point down the line when you’re mad at the person you love, when you’re tired, there will be another person who is happy to comfort you. Are you going to walk away or is that person you love it? Are they your ‘person’? Why?

Why out of billions and billions of people are they the person you’re going to chose over and over again, every time?

What is going to make you want to keep trying even when you can’t understand that person? Or when you really don’t like that person despite how much you love them?

I’m pretty sure most people can’t answer that.

Most would argue, well ‘because you love each other’ or because ‘they’re the one’.

I like to jump on little girls fairy-tale dreams and say there is no ‘one’. There are many, and you pick one. There are many, many people you are compatible with, who will love you with every single fiber of their being…and you’re going to pick one…maybe. You also might not. You might disagree. But when you think you’ve found the one and then you have to let that go… you suddenly realise it’s not as black and white as you thought it was.

People could also argue ‘well maybe you didn’t realise what ‘the one’ felt like’. But that would be a very naive thing to assume.

I said to Alex, when we first started dating, “Don’t ever give up on me, too many people have given up on loving me and I can’t take that. I cannot deal with someone who just decides they don’t want to try any longer. It will break me.”

Yet there I was, four years later, driving along in my car, at 2am, five days after I landed back in the country, on my fathers birthday, singing my heart out to Jaymes Bay “Let it go”, tears streaming down my face, with my cat Charlie and half my stuff, on my way back to my parents house.

People give up on other people.

Every time I let that wall down and allow myself to be happy falling in love, there is this overwhelming fear that I’ll sit alone at a funeral again or I’ll get news someone has died and the person I loves asks: “Are you ok?” and I lie and say “Yeah” because I’m in shock and they’ll say “ok then” and leave me to it, again.

I am terrified I will let someone be my person again, that I will let someone in and rely on them and then all of a sudden I’ll wake up one day, during one of the hardest times of my life, and I’ll be facing it alone.

There are few things more lonely that being with someone but feeling completely alone.

I fell apart the other day, and Sam swooped in an made it better and picked up the pieces and it terrified me. I have never felt so secure with someone yet so scare of it. Because it’s these little moments I think to myself “Yes, this is absolutely everything I’ve wanted; everything I’ve needed.” And I know, I am 100 per cent certain it is nothing like it has been in the past. He is not him. I know that. I can say it a million times.

But it doesn’t make the fear go away.

(I never said my my emotions were as logical as my thought process!)

I need to be convinced that no matter what, someone will not give up on me…and that might take a long time.

And that might be a lot to put on a new relationship. I’ll most certainly agree with you on that. But it’s what makes me anxious, it’s what keeps me up at night. Because fears are fears and being given up on, watching someone just ‘stop trying’…will always make me feel sick to my stomach and kill all those pretty, fat, hyped up on coffee butterflies in there.

I’ve been avoiding writing this blog because I’ve suddenly become afraid of being honest. Perhaps because honesty upsets people, or perhaps because it also means you can’t hide from things. I am finding myself frustrated and angry and anxious because I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions when it comes to who I love.

I am fragile, I am broken, and I can’t put the pieces back together alone.

So back to the top, where this blog was heading in a very positive direction…

Just kidding! It was never going anywhere positive! I’m in one of those ‘eat chocolate in my bubble bath while reading a romantic novel so I can avoid the responsibilities of life’ moods this week… but let’s throw some happiness in here.

I have an amazing new relationship and I am incredibly glad about that. I’m actually loving the study, I’m feeling like I am achieving well at work, the young girl riding Ivy is having fun, I’m getting closer and closer to my run time for the police, I can do 20 push ups… there are so many things to be thankful for, and I’m thankful for every single one of them…

But I’m also incredibly worried about my Nan’s cancer, I’m really, really sad my best friend is moving away, I’m struggling with the workload from my diploma, and I am freaking out that I won’t pass the police medical.

In a lot of ways I feel like my life has been thrown into the air and everything is just suspended for a while and uncertainty is driving me nuts.

So here I am, finally back blogging, stuck in my head with thoughts going around like a crazy person, but I’m doing ok. I’m a strong person, if nothing else I have certainly proven that to myself over the past two years, and it’s going to be fine.

Life will work out just fine…actually life will turn out just great.

But I really want someone to push me so I take down those walls, because I am terrified, and I won’t take them down without some serious openness and love.

Fear is fear, and no amount of telling me not to be afraid is going to stop me from being afraid.

I need to know why I shouldn’t be afraid.

 

 

 

Au revoir 2015!

Well, we’ve finally made it! The end of 2015 is finally here and what a year it has been. I was trying to avoid doing the whole ‘New Year, new me’ blog, but whatever, I couldn’t resist. I have no self control. In terms of writing anyway! I’m still a little buzzed on too much coffee from a road trip of 6.5hrs from Russell, Bay of Islands back to my home in Tauranga so this blog might come out in all sort of weirdness, but here goes!

2015 was one of the up and down years of my life. I’ve achieved things I never thought I would and I’ve seen both good and difficult changes in my life and myself as a person. I’ve travelled 9 countries, met people who took my breath away, hiked the alps, drank the best wine I’ve ever tasted in France, started learning French, changed careers, reconnected and built new friendships. Life is nothing like I imagined it would be but it never ceases to be incredible even during the struggles. If 2015 is anything to go by 2016 ought to be one hell of a ride!

I’ve picked up the rest of my stuff from Alex’s, I’ve met a few new people, accidentally taken things the wrong way, have concluded I suck at meeting new people and can’t communicate like a normal person…but in general, I have faith it’s all going to be alright!

On that note I think it’s time to write a good ol’ list of goals for this year! Yep, I actually have New Years resolutions this year!

  1. Run 5km at 5mins per km
  2. Achieve 30 pushups without feeling like I’m dying
  3. Work hard enough to earn commission from marketing jobs
  4. Obtain firearms licence
  5. Learn to dive
  6. Become 80 per cent fluent in French
  7. Volunteer twice a week
  8. Get involved in church
  9. Go on adventures

There’s not actually that many but they’re all harder than they might seem to achieve…for me anyway. So instead of adding more to the to do list I thought I’d also write a list of the ways I want to live my life this year…

  1. Take. Things. Slowly – relationships
  2. Don’t be afraid of something wonderful
  3. Don’t drag old hurts into new beginnings (yeah, that one’s not easy)
  4. Know what I want and stick to it
  5. Know what I don’t want and avoid it
  6. Never be afraid to take a step beyond the comfort zone
  7. Don’t hold back because of fear
  8. Friends first, men second
  9. Appreciate something in every day
  10. Don’t live life in order to keep up with or impress others
  11. Never apologise for being happy
  12. Avoid coffee…
  13. Stop planning, start living
  14. Be the best damn version of myself I can be

So there you have it folks!

One, two, three, run.

I woke up rather angry today. Like all days I wake up with the rage of a fire breathing dragon locked in a cave I went for a run, did some push ups and even some sit up for good measure, then some weird leg raise thingy the trainer at the gym taught me that makes my hamstrings burn with a similar pain to that of a bed of biting ants in Asia.

Life has stopped spiralling out of control. It’s like a tornado that rips through and then when it stops, you’re sort of left standing wondering where on earth you start the clean up. That’s me right now. Standing, wondering a) where I start and b) excited I get to put it back how I want it. So last week I picked a starting point. I’ve started part time work and even gave myself a cool sounding title. My car is still a mess, I still have another a few boxes to unpack and a car to vacuum, but it’s a start. I started. Today is the first day I’ve actually had alone. So far I’ve spent the last few weeks with close friends or family and while I have my little brother here still…I may have possibly over reacted to the dishwasher not being unstacked again and food all over the bench…again. Man I sound like a mother. Sigh. In spite of that I’m actually loving being able to get to know Josh (little brother). I left home when he was only 11, so now at 16 and a completely different person to me, it’s a lot of fun hanging out. Though he managed to kick my butt at the driving rage the other day…I however just don’t seem to have the same skill at killing golf balls.

Josh was talking to myself and Tom yesterday about growing up and the fact that Tom was top in his class at school. Then we all looked at each other and Josh just had this terrifying looking on face of ‘I really hope I don’t end up like you both in six years time’. Then we all laughed. Unemployed, broke, and single definitely doesn’t look so appealing from a 16 year olds point of view I guess. But hey, as I described it to him in some attempt to make life seem less depressing the older you get, life isn’t all about having everything you want or going the way you expect. It’s just about having fun and making the most of the cards you’re dealt and despite what I may think sometimes, I’ve been dealt some pretty great ones.

I, however, don’t like to take my own advice when it comes to the fact I still can’t horse ride and I’m incredibly bitter about that fact. Then I remind myself I was snowboarding in Austria and it doesn’t seem like such a bad decision after all. Because of it though, I have taken up running and can now make it to 1.8km without dying! Before all you runners start laughing, for those of us who consider running to be a form of optional torture, that’s a big deal. Last week I struggled with 1km alone and the plan is in 12 months time I will run 5 of those suckers like they were yesterdays news.

Thankfully I have Nikole to drag me up the Papamoa hills each week and plan wonderful mountain hikes so that goal is actually attainable. I’ve also made strange agreements like “I’ll run up this 1.7km hill that currently still kills me at a walk by the end of next year”. Mad. I am a mad woman. But my weight is great, I feel fantastic, I’m getting a terribly uneven tan, my tailbone only hurts 50 per cent of the day, and my horse is so fat I’m going to start leading her up hills with me when I run…who needs a dog! And I have a fantastic part time job that makes me feel like a real human again. Now it’s time to dust off that CV apply for a few more positions, keep my fitness training up, and see where life takes me!

So I still have my bad days, break ups aren’t nice and the feeling of betrayal, pain, anger, sadness, and the ‘what could I have done better’ doesn’t go away over night. It’s not something I blame on one person and I think part of me still can’t quite comprehend things are different after four years. But they are and life goes on. This beautiful, incredible life goes on and I want to be part of it.

I am part of it.

Then the smoothie fell

Right, once I’ve blogged I’m sucking it up and throwing myself into my job to take my mind off my ever impending doom that is my inability to cope any longer with emotion.

The year before I left for Hamilton is a bit of a strange one. I can’t really talk about it, not because there are any particular secrets, but because I actually can’t remember most of it. And no, I was not drinking. I’ve never been able to figure out why I can’t remember things that happened that year. I have little snapshots of particular moments, mainly the really hurtful ones, but no normal memories. I’ve heard of people doing that when they suffer a type of trauma, but that’s what confused me even more about it… I didn’t go through trauma?

But people perceive trauma differently.

There was a lot of anger and a lot of yelling. A lot of hate, and certainly not a lot of understanding that year. Between several different people. I shut down when I can’t explain things. I shut down when I can’t cope with an emotion or lack the understanding to deal with it. So, I shut down.

As I do each week, I caught up with an old ‘friend’ from the past. So far, it’s been really good for me to work through things. But, there was always the risk it would drag up the wrong things and the hurt would start all over again.

Then the pub played the stupid song. The song we listened to over and over and over again. I normally have no issue with it, I listen to it every now and then, it’s a good song. But then I said something wrong. And he wasn’t happy. Then we started talking about grandparents. The song, the glimpse of the past disapproval when I opened my mouth and should have thought it through, the grandparents. I just could not keep it together any longer.

You know in the movies when the room starts spinning and their heart races and they suddenly run out because they just can’t handle it all and their chest is closing up and their breath is getting shorter? Yep… that was exactly it… except I burst into tears instead of running out. I think, looking back, running out would have been a much more preferred option.

I was emotional, I tried to say sorry for saying something I shouldn’t have. And then it just fell apart. The anger, the hate, everything I thought we’d got past was right there.

So, then my heart decided to throw this huge hissy fit. I’m tired due to lack of sleep. And I’ve lost all my beta blockers to tell me heart to calm the hell down.

I also managed to jam my little figure in the draw this morning… then spilt smoothie down my entire front, floor, desk, paperwork, and chair at work.

I think… and I don’t often actually do this… I’m giving up on today. We’re just not getting along.

I’m going to take a few deep breaths, change my clothes, do an interview or four, and have a cup of tea. Then I’m going to hide from the world until I am ready to cope again.

#wellthat’sjustlife

Hello past, let’s be friends

Hello reality. Four days of blissful holiday is now behind me and it is time to face what I like to call ‘life’.

Yes, I at times quite enjoy avoiding life, but after a fantastic massage and a whole day of doing sweet bugger all including ordering Indian in from the hotel then finishing the day with a bubble bath, I’d say I’m pretty well equipped to now deal with it.

I managed to survive a night out with my sister and her friends, an ex-boyfriend, all while seeing a old…friend? My past is a bit of a stalker, every element of it loves to chase me around and remind me you can’t ever really run away. I paid for my attempts at dancing the next day when my poor ankles didn’t agree they should have to operate.

So anyway, due to this whole seeing people who ‘I learnt how to punch in case I ever bumped into them again’ and making my peace with the slightly bumpy road that was the time before I got here, I have come to the conclusion: I suck at holding grudges.

I’m rolling with that. I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not. Being a female canis familiaris (dog for those who don’t love google as much as me) 24/7 just doesn’t come naturally to me. Standing up for myself does… there is a difference!

At times you’ve just got to move on. Life happens. Every single step of mine has been for something. I was lying awake at 11.31pm because my brain wouldn’t find that off switch, when I realised just how many things lead me to here. If they had never happened… it scared me to think what and who I would be now without it all.

It is easy to resent and hate things because I don’t have the balls to dig deeper stop to ask why. Fall out with a friend? Fix it. If they’re still not a good person for you, move on and find another. But don’t hate!

It was possibly the strangest feeling of relief when I began to see my ex again – suddenly, the hate melted away and I had all this room to love more people and make time for new friends.

Most of the people in my life thought I was mad. Open up old wounds, tread on unstable ground, no idea where or how it was going to end. But it isn’t everyone elses life… it’s mine. What’s best for me? Working through things that have haunted me and changed the way I see people.

I wanted to get the happy go lucky, forgiving, understanding, kind person I was, back. And I wanted more of it than I had left. You can’t love to your full extent when part of your heart is still caught up hating something! It doesn’t matter how much it hurt, it was time to move on.

In my own way, I have been able to move on because I had a chance, a chance not many people have, to go back into the past and pull apart the things that made it hurt.
When you understand something, it is much easier to forgive that hurt it causes.

Now I am here. Still no idea where I am going, but I know my past wont determine it as much as it used to. I finally got back the pieces of my personality I loved and missed. He’ll be in my life for a long time, because some people aren’t the kind you leave behind. I get that most of my friendships are weird and I know that I get judged for that often. But my boyfriend now knows me, he knows I’m just odd. This is how my life is, and I’m ok with that, and I’m really blessed by that.
Different is good, and knowing what is right for you and going with that, tops it all.

It’s the next chapter

FOR THE BLOG

So last night, after I wrestled the bacon bone soup out of the freezer and the chicken drumsticks escaped and attacked my foot, I struggled to sleep.

The bacon bone soup was good, exactly what you need when you’re fighting the flu and unable to sleep.

I was thinking to myself ‘seriously dude, just close your eyes and sleep!’

It’s not my brain’s fault. Life has been what I would call a white water adventure as of late.

My grandfather is dying, I’m selling my horse – evidently that means no more horse riding for a while, my other horse is having a foal and I am seriously out of my depth, I’m moving house, I’ve been revisiting old wounds with an ex, and work is full on – but good.

So really, my brain doesn’t really have much of a shot at being ok lately.

To tell you the truth, I think it’s doing pretty damn well.

Stories for work this week have been some of the best since I started working, I have loved the research and the interviews. But one in particular about family violence has stirred up a few past hurts (NOT with my own family!). The problem with me, is I don’t really move on from things until I talk about it. I need to talk to figure it out. The other person doesn’t even have to say much, they just need to understand.

The problem with this particular time in my life, is there is only one person who actually can understand it. So it’s back to the past I go.

There is this whole folder in my brain reserved for ‘2010, when things fell apart in a rather impressive way’.

I got it together thank goodness.

But it doesn’t make it all go away. It just makes you pretend it’s not there.

That’s not healthy.

So I’m being brave and actually drawing lines and treading carefully on very broken glass. But with the mix of everything that’s going on at the moment, I choose to slip into a world of good drama TV shows.

This is definitely the start of another chapter for me.

But I have absolutely no idea where I am going. I have an idea of what I want and what will be there, but it’s making the sentences that scares the living daylights out of me. Because it is the first time in my life I’m not ignoring anything. I’m not trying to ‘escape’. I am facing my fears and I am doing what I know is best for not just me, but the people around me.

So, here is to the next step.

Sore foot from chicken fights, green juice because I hate chewing my greens, cups of tea to sooth the hurts, and good TV shows to take my mind off it all when I just need a break.

It might not seem like a lot from the outside, but it’s a huge amount to me. And I’m ok with saying that. Everyone fights their own battles in their own time, and this is my time and my battle.

But I’m going to win.

Because it’s my life, and I want better than what I’ve been giving myself.

Seeing my ex was the best thing for my relationship

Ok past, I’ve got a bone to pick with you on this one. How much forgiving, moving on, running away, escaping, closing my eyes, etc do I need to do to get rid of you? I mean, okay there all these sayings like “things don’t leave until they’ve taught you all you need to learn” and then the one above. I get it. I’m meant to keep taking things from it. But there is a line and I think we’ve reached it.

I was tossing up whether or not to write about this on here… I do have SOME personal sharing boundaries… but then I saw this picture and though, why the hell not? So now, here is my little spiel.

Seeing my ex was one of the best things I could have done for my current relationship. Yeah, I am fully aware I am going back on 95% of what I have been harping on about lately, but I do change my mind on my opinions regularly. When a mutual friend got us back in touch I had mixed feelings. I am well aware most people will read this and ask why I was bothering talking to an ex at all, and assume my current partner had an issue with it (he doesn’t). But just hold your fire. Our strange and roller-coaster off a cliff sort of relationship was one that not even I understand. I mean, when he whipped out quotes like “cheating isn’t that bad” last night I couldn’t help but stare at him, and my 17-year-old self in disbelief… Uhmm… what exactly is more destructive in a relationship? I mean, yes there is abuse, but cheating really is a form of emotional abuse. So, I reiterate, he hasn’t changed. 

This is a very satisfying fact to realize, anyone who argues the contrary quite seriously must have either been blind and deaf or did not know him during the time I did. No longer smoking dope is sort of ruled out by doing other drugs? And yes, cheating is really THAT bad. That is all beside my point though. I knew all of that well before I saw him again.

What it did teach me though, as a) I have possibly the most incredible boyfriend in the world and b) no wonder I don’t put up with crap from people any more. I dealt with a life times amount and I am now allergic. Or just a little more clued up. So, if someone tells me they are going to see their ex, I would encourage it. If there is still a spark there… well I have no help on that one, don’t really have that problem. BUT it does teach you an incredible amount about your past self, and your current self. The contrast was for me, in fact staggering. Growing up doesn’t even begin to explain it. It made me realise how smart I was to leave when I did and form this incredible, exciting, and fantastic life with people in it that build me up, not take away from who I am. It is healing too, to no longer resent someone for what they’ve done to you, but rather have no respect for them because of who they still are. To be able to move on, even if the past does keep following you around, sometimes you have to make a decision to keep it behind you, move on, and keep walking. Just because your past comes back, doesn’t mean you have to let it in. The lesson: I am a stronger, better, whole, fulfilled person and I am incredibly glad for the people I have in my life now, and I know exactly why I chose them. You choose the people who come into your life, make sure you make the right decision.