It never was going to be easy…

I think one of the biggest traps you can fall into when you make a big change in your life, is expecting it to be ‘good’ all the time. People ask me, as I ask them, how life is going, how’s the new job, how’s the relationship, how’s this and that and the other. It’s good that people care. But it’s also easy to fall into the trap of thinking all they want to hear is ‘good’.

I love my new job, it’s going well I think, but I’ve started answering that question with ‘it’s really hard’. The new job is really hard. Most new jobs are. Aside from the ‘what the hell did you do to end up working in THAT job’ looks…it’s just a tiring job.

Just because you decided to make a big change, and even if you love it, doesn’t make it easy.

I think that’s something that’s really easy to forget.

Support though, is the second biggest. It’s easy for people to say ‘don’t over do it’ or ‘you’re too tired take a break’. It’s well meaning, it always is. But with everything comes work, hard work. And like with the many lessons I’ve learnt so far in life, I know how far I can push myself before I need a break.

Coffee, coffee is good right now.

It’s coming to the end of 2016 and just like each year for the past few years there have been massive highs and massive lows. Life just throws those at you sometimes, but I also think when you put yourself out there, when you make adjustments, when you push yourself, you’re going to come up against some friction. And like anyone who has ridden a bike with sweaty thighs knows, friction is not your friend.

Next year is going to be just as, if not more so challenging than this year. I threw a little tantrum about that the other day because, well, I really just want a break. But while running down the beach, my lungs screaming at my that running is a silly thing to do, the salt air stinging my eyes, I took a moment to say to myself: ‘well of course it’s going to be damn hard’.

I get told on the regular to ‘stop being negative’. I respond ‘honestly, I’m just realistic’. I stopped kidding myself it would be rainbows and lollipops a little while back. Why? Because it’s not. And if you’re prepared for rainbows and lollipops and instead get kale juice and salad, you’re not going to last very long. If you expect the kale juice and salad, and accept you just need those to grown and be a healthy human, well it’s not going to be a disappointment, it’s going to be a growing experience.

I want to achieve a lot. And doing that means hard work, which means times of pain, sacrifice and tears. It means I won’t always get the fairytale, but I will get the action film.

When I made the decision to live life with 100 per cent of what I can give, and with 100 per cent faith I’m doing the right thing, I knew it would be hard.

It will be hard.

It will be uncomfortable.

I will throw tantrums.

And sometimes I will want to give up.

But I am looking at next year as many mountains to climb, with many views from the top.

And yes my butt will hate me for climbing them all, but I will do it. Because I can do it. Because I’ve never said no to a challenge yet.

It is easy to look at other people and wish for simplicity or for things to go ‘right’. But they don’t, not for anyone. Everyone struggles. You see simply a slice of the pie…not the whole thing.

So with that I shall continue to work myself into the ground to save a lot of money to get the things I want and to get better at the career I’ve decided I’ll give my best shot at.

They boys at work told me today I was too nice. They’re yet to see the crazy…just wait…I have the determination and stubbornness of my horse when it doesn’t want to walk through a puddle. Not all methods of gaining respect come in the form of swearing, anger and muscles.

And they’ll see that…

In saying that I intend to keep going to the gym to kick their butts in the weights room…again…so maybe it has a little bit to do with muscles.

But that’s beside the point.

And for the ironic moment of the day… if you’re having a bad day, just remember I crashed my car on the way to my police exam and it cost me $400 to fix it. Because, why wouldn’t you crash your car on the way to a police exam?!

 

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Break, here I come.

There are very few things better than climbing into a quality bed with fresh sheets and the fan going on a warm summers night. Especially when following a rather roller coaster week. This week is probably a very good metaphor for this entire year; the wins are constantly battling the losses and the pendulum of life keeps on going regardless of what happens between each tock.

That was deep.

Getting back to light hearted. This past week, I managed to get myself run off the road in the work car (not my fault) punctured the tyre, then the wheel bearing went. I also ‘disappointed’ a comms person. I seem to be very good at doing that. I also washed both my cars, kind of worked on my tan, managed a whole day with very little make up and lounging in bed (much needed!). I even watered the garden.

Oh and I sold my horse (Pip).

There are less than 10 working days between me and a holiday, and I am imagining myself in a slow motion movie scene, just a few more steps away from the finish line.

I have 10 days to get through and I can say I have survived one of the most challenging years of my life. It certainly wasn’t the worst, it probably wasn’t the hardest, but I have faced hurdles at times I felt like I was about to run straight at them, and then meet the ground with my face.

I can’t say I didn’t do that a few times. Sometimes I just stayed down there for a while, other times I managed to catch myself just before the fall, and most of the time I made it over.

I bought a horse, I sold a horse (the same one), and man am I glad I had that horse. Every difficult time in my life I have had a horse by my side, I’m not too sure how I would have made it through most days without one. I still have Ivy, but it will be the first time in 12 years that I have not had a horse to ride. I have three months to wait before I can jump back on her…but I need a break. I think at every point in your life you come to a stage where you just have to stop what has become the norm, what has become a crutch, and take a step toward the next ‘thing’.

There is this sad and scared feeling selling Pip, but at the same time it is excitement that I finally had the courage to take a step back and focus on me…who I am…and what my next step is in life. I can no longer identify myself as a ‘horse rider’ and to some degree that is freeing, it gives me a chance to explore what else I can be.

I lost a loved one. Watching granddad go slowly has been one of the hardest things I have had to face. And I still feel that loss, but I am healing. It is something everyone must learn to accept at some stage, and no matter how hard it is, it teaches you things about yourself you never thought you’d learn.

I understand the concept of ‘stopping’, I understand how important it is to reach out to someone in pain, I get what it’s like to be alone and how alone alone feels, I understand how people have mental breakdowns, I understand what it’s like to feel everything at once.

I started my first job. Wow, talk about jumping in the deep end. But I love it. I love every moment of the ‘pull my hair out imagine myself on a beach far away and not wanting to strangle that person’ madness that it can be. I understand why I chose this career; it is part of me. It is everything, it is how I define myself now. I might have been in tears, in fits of insanity laughter, glaring at my computer screen, drinking wine to ignore the burning need to tell someone what I think of them, the not drinking alcohol in fear I will, falling into bed convinced I may never get up again, but I wouldn’t change it.

I moved house. In amongst the madness I moved house, not just any move, but a move to live with my sister, and every moment since I have been thankful I made that decision. It has shown me I am finally getting the hang of listening to myself. It is hard to move for me, home is what keeps me stable, it is my centre where I can come back to when it’s all spinning out of control. So moving is big. But this has been a good one, and I am looking forward to the future.

I faced my past. It might not seem like a big thing to most people, but I have a delayed shock reaction to most emotionally threatening situations. If my mind doesn’t think I can cope with the sheer volume of emotion coming my way, it shuts it out and waits until I am in a place I can comprehend it. For me, Conrad was a part of my life I didn’t think I could ever deal with. But when suddenly he was here, in my city, in the place that had become my safe haven, I had to face some pretty big issues I never knew I had.

It’s moments like these you realise just how incredible the human brain is, how it can just blank things out it doesn’t think you need to remember. At the end of the day, it helped to realise how a health issue began, and how to fix it.

I resolved a long term and controlling health issue.
It’s not every day you get to defy the doctors and fix yourself with natural medicine. Nope, it’s not going to vanish, but it’s not going to even with the doctors medication. But it is pretty much consistently under control and it is no longer the centre of my life.

I ended up with a baby horse...this is the start of a new future with my darling Ivy. She’s been my best friend for the past six years, but our ‘team’ has changed its course and I’ve come to accept I won’t be competing for a while, Mardy is the final point of acceptance in that.

So this year has been a good one, and it’s not over! But it’s so, so close. I have a pretty incredible life, I’ve been on some amazing adventures and had some unforgettable experiences. And it doesn’t stop here.

It’s just another year in a roller coaster life, and I’m getting better at holding on and enjoying the ride.

But a whole summer with the freedom to get out on the weekends, to sunbath, to just take a deep breath and remind myself I am alive, and it’s ok to stop…it sounds like bliss.

Sometimes, I think you just get to a point where you need a break, need to just stop. Long enough to remember why you keep going and why the world is a good place.

A break…deep breath, it’s nearly here.

My real world is taking steroids

One of the benefits of being a journalist, I work well under pressure. There is this line between stressful, and then just to the point most people would declare insanity. Somewhere between the two is where I function best. My motto in times like these: ‘Well, I’ll just have to be organised’. When I say organised, I mean my life planned out at nearly two months in advance currently, with some things having been planned three months in advance. But there are always varriables, and I really don’t like varriables.

Since I have already declared insainty aproximately 15 or so years ago, I feel I have learnt how to embrace it, which is possibly how I managed to sleep last night.

Let me explain.

I have 6 weeks to foal a horse, continue trying to sell a horse, move house – this means actually finding one to move into, magicing up the money to then move into it, finding a house that fits all my stuff in it, and then organise at least three strong men to help me shift and cars to tow the trailers. And work two jobs.

Well I don’t have to, I just like to punish myself even further for actually coping so far.

The reason for two jobs, is because I haven’t sold the horse and I have to foal the other horse. That’s all cool and stuff. I just wish my body would just suck it up and stop trying to get sick. I do not need a day off, I need to organise.

My to do lists, I think, may take over my life and consume me in my sleep. People often say ‘welcome to the real world’ I think my ‘real world’ has been taking steroids.

I turn 21 at the start of November, currently I avoid looking at that month on my calendar, I’m afraid all the things happening will leap out and suffocate me.

You ever get that feeling where the world is actually suffocating you? Yep, I have been repeating ‘breathe, deep deep breathing. It will all be ok’ to myself over and over today.

I have discovered we have this pink bag in the office, when you put envelopes in it, they get magically posted. I love this part of being in an office.

So there you have it. My life is actually insane. I am going insane. I also have to take another blood test for my thyroid. It’s not going to be good if my breathing doesn’t keep up!

I think I might need to go for a run tonight…

Cheerio!

Like a headless chicken

I want to hide. The kind of ‘hide under my blankets because there are monsters under my bed’ kind of way I did as a small child.

Not that I ever believed monsters lived under my bed. My imaginary friend Sammy lived under my bed. He was a good friend. Actually not too sure when we stopped being friends.

Anyway, the reason I want to hide. Being editor makes me want to cry. I mean, I like being in charge, I’m just that sort of personality, I like having control. But I really don’t like people being mad at me.

Apparently you get that a lot when editor. Or at least I do? I swing between ‘I want to scream at you because you’re an awful human!’ to ‘I want to cry and run away and say I’m sorry a million times’.

Thankfully, I’ve managed to control both and have settled for a polite yet ‘the shit is happening this way’ sort of tone.

I have realised the reason we are told to write to a 12-year-old audience since being editor. Someday’s I really do shake my head and lay it on my desk with a ‘are you actually serious?’ sigh as I read some emails. Most people are great… it’s just those small few.

On a positive, I got to visit the zoo yesterday. I haven’t been to the Hamilton Zoo in a very long time, it’s fantastic! I am a little bit in love. I think I am going to go on a trip there when I find a spare moment, for a proper look around. When I say spare moment, I really mean sometime in the next two months and it will be booked in advance because that seems to be how life works lately.

I shouldn’t complain.

I had a fantastic weekend up the mountain with beautiful weather and fresh snow, along with great people. I have slept just over eight hours for the past four nights, so I am starting to feel a little more alive…

Nonetheless I am developing a slight fear of people.

Right, I’d better get back to doing stuff.

Cheerio.

Piece of peace

Have you ever run a marathon? That moment where you’re nearly at the end, your muscles hurt, your bone ache and everything in your body is screaming stop! I’m there, in that moment. Tech is nearly over, the end is so close I can taste it and I am so exhausted every part of my body is screaming stop! We are in those final moment of the race where you have to pull it all together and sprint to make it, use up every last ounce of energy you can muster and finish that race. You know that place?

Well, I’ve never run a marathon, but I’ve been told that is what it feels like. And I’d believe them. Because this, this exhaustion is like no other I have felt before – it has certainly put me off marathons. Things have worked out wonderfully, I have a full time job I am so excited to start, my assignments are going well. It is all under control. Yet I feel like I have just jumped off a sinking ship and I am swimming franticly to shore. 

So much is about the change and it is overwhelming. 

Currently I look like a lobster. I sunbathed on the beach today for the first time this summer. It was wonderful feeling the warm sand under my back and my head sink slowly into a napping state. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of talking about my granddad the night before. He’s sick and to be honest I don’t know much about it. He could be fine for years or he could not. And I do not know how to process that. 

I am slowly coming to the realisation that I may live alone. I would be faced with myself, every day. There is a terrifying feeling associated with that. The peak of being a 20 something. And suddenly the weight of what is to come came crashing down on me. Lying in the sand slowly becoming lobsterish a bundle of emotion hit me. I am still processing it. Me and my partner have had little to say to each other lately. Not because we don’t want to talk. I think we just have no words to describe how we feel or what we’re even thinking. Because things are going to change, and I struggle with change. I cope well, but I struggle to accept it. I mean for crying out loud, I laugh when my friends crash their cars. I laugh. That is my reaction, it is an uncontrollable, painful fit of giggles that comes over me when I go into shock. That is how I deal with things – I laugh. But when it’s death and saying goodbye to friends, well I just can’t find a way to make that funny. 

So I’m going to start going to church again. I will probably sit in the back pew and I will probably quiet, withdrawn and I will enjoy that. Churches are peaceful and right now I could really do with peace. 

Writing someone else’s pain.

It’s sad, writing a story that really does not have any chance of a happy ending. Or more so, the fact that you are the only chance they will have at a small justification for them. To tiny ity-bitty right in all the wrongs. 

I think that’s the hard part in being a journalist, is when you have a duty, a specific agenda but you have to remain unbais. When you have to be impartial to something you want to have a strong opinion on. 

I love it but at the same time it makes me sad to see other people suffer, and to know they’ve suffered for so long and you can’t really do much to cushion that pain.

I am of course referring to the article I have sort of told you all about lately, I have reached my word count but I still have so much more to tell! The story is not a small one. It is not really one you can square up and stick in a box. It’s someone’s suffering, pain and desperation. You are writing that on a page for them. That’s pretty crazy. I love it. But it is pure madness that we as journalists have that power. The power to pick apart how someone feels and the chuck it- throw it onto a page and hope it is interpreted in the way we interpreted it. 

So, due to my devotion to this story I have seriously over worked my brain. It’s going to sleep right here. Brain off button, happening, now. AH! 

On that note, an in absolute dire need of a good night sleep before I head to Horse Of the Year. I am off to bed! Goodnight and farewell, I shall be back again tomorrow.

Exhausted.