Winne-the-Pooh and honest titbits

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with Granddad being sick. I have always been a ‘strong’ person. I’m not really sure what that means to be perfectly honest. How I perceive it is people lean on you, and you are always there. Always. But sometimes you crumble too, and it’s hard to find people to hold you up like you hold them. So anyway, I have a friend who I have become exceptionally close to lately, it is the kind of friendship that really is a one in a million. He is going through something similar, different, but similar. The thing about friends is when they’re hurting it’s hard not to hurt for them, and when you’re feeling the same way they are, it makes it even worse. 

So, what do I do in a situation like this? I look up Winne-the-Pooh quotes, because well, who doesn’t like a good Winnie-the-Pooh quote?

“You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

 

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”

 

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

 

“Some people talk to animals. Not many listen though. That’s the problem.”

 

“When you see someone putting on his Big Boots, you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen.”

 

“I did know once, only I’ve sort of forgotten.”

 

Talking to this friend lately has taught me a few things about myself. I am a constant surprise, even to myself. There are so many things that I say and I think wow, where did that come from? I wish I could remember that when I needed it most. I am many things, and I need very little, except to be understood. No matter how good life seems, there are still things that each person struggles with, every day. When you see that person smiling in the street, appreciate them, because you might not have any clue as to how hard it was for them to do that that morning. Be humble, treat others as you would have them treat you, but never let yourself love others more than yourself. In other words, do not be selfish and self-centred, but understand how to love yourself so you can love others in the fullest way possible. 

The thing that has I suppose been the biggest surprise to myself, is that it is not that I do not want to share things with people, it is simply I don’t have the words. Strange I know, but there are moments in everyones life that leave them speechless. Mine just happen more often than not, and almost always when it comes to the really honest feelings stuff. 

There is no better way to know yourself, than to look through someone else’s eyes. 

 

 

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4 and a half years ago

4 and a half years ago. That’s a little while really. Many things change in 4 and a half years. I covered a story tonight, in a small rural town that my boyfriend lives in. This is the sort of place you kind of know where it is but most people never stop here. It has a tiny population and it is one of the last places on earth you expect to run into people you haven’t seen for 4 and a half years. 

But tonight, in the town hall, in this small rural town, at 8pm, on a Saturday, I met him again. I don’t even know if I can say again because I don’t know if I ever met him to start with. I was 15. I dated his best friend. He was with this girl at the time, a pretty blonde girl. His best friend had just cheated on me (well, he says he didn’t… it’s a twisted story and not really one worth telling) and proceeded to dump me. To be perfectly honest I don’t think I ever cared a whole bunch. None the less, that sort of thing hurts at 15. This guy (tonight man) began talking to me and we were best friends, or in my 15 year old world we were. We spoke every day all day and I relied entirely on him to get through the next few strange, borderline hellish months of boy drama. 

Then we stopped. I don’t know why, perhaps he does but I don’t. I’m not even sure there was a reason. We were amazingly close friends. To this day I don’t think he realizes just how much he helped me. 

But on my silver flip top phone with limited colour and a pixilated screen he became my everything. Then, just like that, he stopped. 

4 and a half years later there he was. In a small rural town, at 8pm, in the town hall. Standing with a friend who knew the friend I was there with. I didn’t even recognize his face till someone said his name. Then it hit me. Like a punching bag I didn’t get of the way of when in full swing it smacked me, straight between the eyes. Just like that, there he was. He’s been here for a long time. He’s even worked with my boyfriends mother. I never knew. 

It is a bazar sequence of events which lead to seeing him again. I hope to go out to coffee with him. 

This time I brought up the boyfriend topic BEFORE we went to coffee, though I am pretty sure his intentions are quite contrary to crash guy.

In 4 and a half years the things I have done – the things that have changed! I no longer have braces, I discovered pretty undergarments, I got a little more clued up on fashion, I changed my hair colour a million times. I haven’t grown a whole lot (height wise), possibly 3 cm. I left home. Had several boyfriends. Now am in a serious relationship. Grew my hair out. Have nearly finished a degree. There are just so many little tiny things that are so astonishingly different.

He was part of a chapter I thought I had long closed – a chapter that linked into almost everything I do and have now. A weird and perhaps one of the most testing times of my life. Interesting none the less. I often wondered what became of him. Now I suppose I shall find out.

Let the adventure being. 

Here’s the crutch. Stand on your own two feet.

Breathe. Deeper. One more. Now smile. Find a song. Sing it loudly. Breathe again. Smile some more. Ignore racing heart. Stand taller. Turn the music up. Once more. Breathe. One more. Smile. Sing. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. 

Let the tears make their way through the drawn on happiness. It’s ok you know. You ask yourself once more. Does anyone care? Yeah. Someone must. The morning takes too long to warm a cold body. Sunshine doesn’t quite reach the heart. Mist covers the hurt. Traffic hides the noise of a heart beating too hard for its chest. This is it. This is the start of life. That’s what they say. We’re young. We’re made for this. Talk till 2am. We’re still alone. You know. Just inside that’s the way. Winter does this. Sad songs explain this. 

Get in the car. Watch the petrol gage. Light comes on. Keep driving. It’s dark. Wonder where we’ll end up out here. Turn that music up. Rain is always colder when you’re watching it fall. Leave no stone unturned. No road untraveled. Let the moments take you. Fall to pieces. 

This is just it. Run or stand. Here we are. Time takes its toll. Nothing but love. That’s what we want. Nothing but hate. Isn’t that what we all give? Stand on your own two feet. So they cut them off. Here you are. 

Breathe. Deeper. One more. Now smile. Find a song. Sing it loudly. Hold breath. Close eyes. Smile fades. Heart races. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

 

Jealousy my old friend.

Jealousy is a funny thing. It the little green monster that creeps its way through a relationship slowly eating it from the inside out. Ok thats kind’ve gross. But it really is the best way to describe the kind of destruction it can cause.

I’m easily angered, especially by things that are a direct dig at my self-esteem. Most of the time I find it funny. Sometimes I find it surprising, but almost all of the time it catches me out. I tend to get angered and pissy before I can even realize that its the little green monster working its way back into my relationships.

I’m not the jealous type. I am however, very competitive. This tends to end up with me intentionally making people jealous, in order to win. What ever strange competition that may be. It’s not that I’m not jealous because I’m an ‘up myself little fairy’ its more because I don’t often care enough to be jealous. Oh that sounds shockingly terrible! But I said I’d be honest on here.

So, my point in all this late night gabble. Jealously can be a tooting fruiting beeper that really does get in the way of realizing -you’re actually pissing someone off!- If they’re jealous, sometimes it means you’re winding them up. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way, I don’t think it’s always a one sided thing. I think sometimes you’ve just got to catch it before it escalates into something mind bogglingly, soul eating destructiveness.

Worse than the bogey man.