#bringiton

Right! Time to get back to the positive happy go lucky vibes usually floating around this blog. Today started in the same way a deflated balloon eventually pops weeks after the party. It just kind of gets tired and gives up.

Work has been…interesting to say the least lately. I spend 95 per cent of my time back tracking because ideas have been ditched, plans changed… and I’m kind of just treading water. I’m achieving plenty if you go by my spreadsheets! But I fear if I see another ‘business development’ idea that involves me calling through lists and lists of people, I may just curl up under my desk with Spotify and hide.

Just kidding… I love business development! I would just love it more if I could actually make some progress!

My office has this incredible view of the harbour, which is wonderful for increases of prolonged sanity in the office. I’ve also discovered Spotify after Apple Music drove me insane enough I quit my subscription. So I now have a bunch of bubbly, inspirational songs on repeat and instead of getting mad about road blocks, I just do a little boggy in my chair.

Though, you’d be surprised about how many strange song are out there at the moment!

So I’m planning a trip at the end of the year…this time PHILIPPINES!  Why?

Google it.

It looks like a place I could spend forever.

Maybe I will? Maybe, that is the solution to my life; just avoid it!

People do do that.

I wonder what it would take to bring a horse to the Philippines? And a cat…can’t forget about Charlie.

Hmmm…if anyone wins lotto, just keep me in mind please.

I have started to research and am attempting to get my head around trading. Stocks, currency, it all looks rather intriguing. I mean, I’m not really making much headway where I’m heading at the moment, so why not?

Not sure if anyone has realised…but we have this amazing thing called the internet which while useful for looking at pictures of cats and stupid Buzzfeed articles…you can also use it to become smarter and find new ways of getting ahead! Who knew?

Because I have more plans than I do money, I’m doing a few other jobs like teaching and showhome hostessing. I love hostessing. You essentially hang out in a lovely home and chat to people all day about what their goals and dreams are for their future properties. I’m also super pumped to start teaching horse riding again. It is definitely one of the things I regret not doing more of.

I’ve also decided to expand on my volunteer stuff. Currently I hang out with a bunch of kids at church every second Sunday, which is super fun.

I did not think I would enjoy it…but man it’s so much fun! I don’t know if I have more fun than the kids. I even had them teach me how to make a paper plane.

I’ve discovered I do not spend enough time doing child like things.

And that’s a problem.

Anyway, my new volunteer stuff is developing at the moment but it has to do with my passion: rehabilitation and crime reduction. I’m also trying to figure out how to write my book! I have a book! Well, I will have a book.

So that’s the good stuff.

I also have good coffee, good wine, and plenty of good music! One can’t really complain about that can they?

I’m on the hunt for a full filling job where I can grow. I’m making headway with volunteer work. And I’m finally getting back into doing the things I love to do outside of work…while making money.

I might be moving slowly, but I think I might be moving!

I’ve gone from treading water to a slow breast stroke style of swimming!

#bringiton

 

Pros, cons, failure

Growing up is a weird thing; it just sort of happens without really thinking about it. I mean sure, most of the time I’m thinking to myself ‘I am definitely not adult enough to deal with this’, but then there are moments where I suddenly realise I am an adult, and I’m actually doing it just fine. How can I tell I’m adulting well? Firstly, I am incredibly particular about wine, babies no longer scare me (I’m still highly skeptical I should ever actually be allowed to bring one up), I am capable of looking after multiple small people at once, I know life does not stop and start with marriage, relationships, or even having children…but those things are cool too, I’ve come to appreciate money…by that I mean the fact that I turn up to a place each day and do stuff and they then give me money so I can live, I am learning how to think about and navigate the idea of a mortgage, a house, where I want to live… and I have learnt just how fragile life is, and I appreciate that fact. Oh and I’ve also come to learn and accept shit happens to all of us.

I don’t feel grown up, but to honest I don’t know if anyone ever feels ‘grown up’, I think it’s more a feeling of comfortable experience that leads you to have a little more faith each year that in most situations you will, regardless of how you may feel at the time, be ok. I was going to put ‘survive’, but there’s really no guarantee of that.

My little cat had his vaccinations today. In order to get him into the cat cage I coxed him with food first into a small space. He then quickly realised something was not right and quickly escaped. I came back five minutes later to see he had given into his desire for food (animal like its owner) and I swiftly blocked the cat door with various washing baskets. He then escaped from the other door as I tried to enter with the cat cage and my attempts at a human barricade failed miserably. I then spent 10 minutes chasing him up and down the house until he finally gave in to his desire for pats and I captured him once and for all. His poor defeated meows were heart breaking as I loaded him into the car for mum to take him with her to the clinic (she’s a vet nurse). Admittedly the only time I’ve ever put him in a cage prior was to move him from one place to another…so right now he’s sitting in a cage at the clinic thinking this is his new home and he’s been transported to some kind of jail for a crime in which he does not know. I will sweep in and rescue him and he shall love me forever…and hopefully forget all about this mornings antics.

I have two weeks until my psychology exam. I have finally accepted there is no possible way for me to learn everything I need to learn. So, I’ve decided I will simply learn five chapters REALLY well so ace that part of the exam. I’d love to say this is a strategy well thought through, however it’s really a last ditch effort not to fail this whole thing.

But I can always try again.

Really what I’m telling myself is it is not the end of the world, I have wasted $700 in worse ways, it will be fine, I have wine, and if I have to try again I’ll just try again. Simple, right?

Adulting at its finest right there.

What I’m coming to learn this year is to just chill out. That might seem strange to those in my life who understand I operate at a million miles an hour and every single weekend in June is booked…however, I am learning to stop putting on the pressure, stop trying to overachieve, to move a million miles an hour. Just take one step, as it comes. For me, there are often many steps that come all at once…so if I apply that statement to my life it looks like madness.

But on the days I feel frustrated I’m not going anywhere fast enough, I just remind myself how much I wanted this; to have a warm home close to family, to have my own cat, to have a job that keeps me busy and earns me money but doesn’t give me nightmares, so I have time to study and enjoy that study. This is what I wanted when I sat in that little home in France and pictured life. It just didn’t happen how I expected it to. But this is really lovely.

It’s raining. I love rain. I love studying when it’s raining. Soon I’ll have a gym with a spa and I can provide myself with motivation for the gym with that. It’s winter, it’s snuggly weather, it’s raining, I’m studying something I love, I have a cat, I have plans for a house, I want to live in the country, I have a good job. It’s all about perspective…

Because when I got on here I was going to complain how stressed and didn’t want to study, how my head hurts because I have a headache because it’s always so damn cold, how it’s raining so I don’t want to go outside or to the gym, and I have no money for my dream home or my dream travel.

It’s really easy to get stuck feeling like it’s falling apart or like something else would be better. Of course it would, because it always looks great when you’re not living it. You can’t have all the pros without the cons and you rarely see the cons when it’s not your life.

I’m wearing my favourite sweater today, it’s raining, and I’m going to go home and snuggle my cat and study with a hot cup of tea. I might even take an Instagram shot of it all so people think my life is amazeballs.

Sorry, this blog had potentially a little too much sarcasm in it.

 

Bring on the wine time

My brain is frazzled. I can’t even write a blog properly. I keep Ctrl A, deleting everything. I mean some of it’s good, it’s just, well, sentences, words…things. Agh! I’ve spent the last few weeks juggling many hats. I’m a person of hats…you know all those different roles you do in life? I refer to them as hats, I think most people do?

So between the psychology, the job, life…more life…I wear a gazillion different hats. My most common is admin hat, PR hat, psychology hat,  workout hat, healthy eating hat, girl friend hat, grandchild hat, daughter hat (actually just general ‘family member’ hat), horse rider hat… I feel like I’m juggling everything and I just sort of throw it all up in the air at times because I just need to breathe, and wait for it to all come back down before I run around catching it all before it turns into a mess.

I don’t dislike any of my hats. There’s just a few of them…and I’m struggling a little to wear them all.

Last night I grabbed my interior design hat and hung up my girl friend hat for the evening and decided to tackle my room. It had become something of a nightmare. I had all sorts just stacked up in piles because when I moved all my things from Alex’s I shoved it all in and promptly decided to forget about it until a later date.

Five and a bit months later and I finally took down the disco ball and cleaned out the china teddy bear ornaments (disclaimer: these were there when I moved in!), moved the pile of towels and sheets into the blanket box and linen cupboard, actually filed the mountain of paper work on my desk, bought a hanging lamp to replace the disco ball and removed the old bedside lamp to make space for nothing, and moved my bed over to the wall.

My room is now spacious, clean, uncluttered, and makes me feel happy.

I needed a happy place – a place in which does not change and is in my control.

This used to be where I grazed my horse, then it was Alex’s, it’s sort of switched between the two depending on what’s happening in life at the time. Then when Casey and I moved in together it was my perfect little home.

Either way, I’ve had a place that I can relax, where I can decorate, tidy, and just breathe in…a place that feels like home and like it’s mine.

I sort of ditched my happy place for a while when I moved…I was too busy having fun. But now Ivy is being ridden by someone else, the gym is changing in terms of who’s there, Sam’s place is well, Sam’s place (and two other boys live there so you can imagine the bathroom… ), the house is my parents not mine. I have no happy place. So I decided it was time I created one.

And I feel at peace now, like everything is in order, even if its not in order. Even if it, at times, feels like it’s spiraling madly out of control.

My general day consists of doing: some sort of filing, some sort of binding of documents, some sort of searching for something in our internal system that’s mysteriously booked a permanent vacation and hightailed out of there, editing people’s bios for the company, writing press releases, making peoples long winded sentences shorter and easy to read, occasionally dealing with a grumpy interviewee, reading property news, answering phones, getting people to do things they don’t want to do for other people, writing articles. A few days a week I’m opening the show home, answering questions, cleaning, most days I’m studying psychology and counselling theories, conducting experiments, writing reports, trawling through the website for the course to figure out what I’m meant to be doing. I tend to finish with making sure my horse is alive, feeding it, running on the treadmill or cross trainer, lifting weights, having a shower, seeing Sam, remembering to see my family members, texting friends to make sure they’re still doing ok in life, catching up with friends at least once every few weeks…

I’m exhausted.

I am learning constantly, whether it’s working through emotional stuff I’m still dealing with in terms of relationships; learning how to be with someone new. Whether it’s figuring out the systems at work, how marketing is different to journalism, how to work in a big company, how to study again, what is psychology…and how to live with family close again. Oh yeah, and how to actually achieve my fitness goals!

It comes as no surprise really that I’ve had a few melt-downs lately. My most recent and perhaps most comical was in Kmart. I stood there, having had a rough day, rather annoyed at Sam because he wouldn’t buy a damn topper for his mattress or a bedside lamp! Right in that moment, absolutely nothing else on earth mattered except getting those two things. Why? Well the mattress topper is purely because the bed is uncomfortable, the lamp, yeah, I have no idea. I just really needed to have one.

I described myself to my mother last night as “Normal 95 per cent of the time, but that 5 per cent I really go all out on the crazy”. A good crazy I like to think… a crazy which results in OCD like behaviors which sees bedside lamps bought, mattress toppers put on beds, and my entire room cleaned and tidied.

So tonight my plans are to see my nan (she’s having chemo and radiation at the moment), study, gym, then study some more in my incredibly beautiful room, see Sam, and then sleep.

Tomorrow? I’ll do it all again.

And as for this weekend? It currently has nothing at all planned in it and I think I might just buy myself a magazine, some chocolate, and sit in the sun with a good glass of red wine. Because right now, all I can think about is doing nothing with wine.

 

 

 

#atleastIhavemywine #Ishouldprobablybloglessaboutwine #andstopusinghashtags

Ok so I know I’ve been really slack with my blog posting…but there is a reason. I think. Well, it’s an excuse. Despite what it may seem like (while you’re all sitting there cringing while reading about my life) I’m really crappy at talking about how I feel. I’m quite good at getting other people to talk about how they do, and I’m good at talking enough about mine to cover up the fact I’m not really saying or admitting anything. To be fair, it was something I’d never really noticed before I met Sam. I knew I liked to keep stuff to myself, but I never realised how MUCH stuff I liked to keep to myself.

Pretty much the more I like someone, the less I can tell them. AND IT’S REALLY DRIVING ME NUTS. And preventing me from blogging honestly, which really then means blogging at all is pointless.

(I’ve decided to capitalize random things in this post…and also put random editing notes in brackets through it to stop me from editing the actual content)

After a breakup I tend to reflect on all the things I could have done better. I don’t mean I sit there blaming myself, I just like to improve on things. I don’t think anyone is ever a complete person; we’re always growing. So it makes sense to use every opportunity to improve things when you can.

So I know this is something I REALLY need to work on. Up until this point I’ve been drawn to people who like to open up quickly and easily. I often find people who are in need of someone to talk to; someone to trust. I think, because it makes it easier to hide behind how they feel and what they say… essentially it means I never have to ACTUALLY admit what I feel, we can just keep the focus on them until I slip under the radar and people forget to ask. It’s rather unhealthy. But it’s been my safety net, and I think it’s why I never completely fall in love. I never let my walls down completely. It’s a personality thing.

Now I’m in this part of my life where I am growing up and if I want the kind of relationships that come with that; ones that will last and are built on decent foundations, I’m going to have to get over it and learn how to be a grown up with how I process feelings.

I don’t mind if people keep some things to themselves, I don’t get upset about someone’s feelings not matching mine, I don’t get clingy or jealous easily… but that also comes obviously with negatives too, and that is the inability to completely fall for someone or let my guard down. I filter everything I say. It’s a good and a bad thing. I’ve always needed to filter who I am for people to be ok with me.

And I’m not keen to keep living like that.

So I grew some balls and had a decent chat to Sam last night and I’m really glad I did. Because I’m learning, it’s baby steps, but I’m learning to stop holding on for dear life to the cliff top and just enjoy the fall. I think everyone needs to learn how to do that at some point in their life.

I’d never really even done that with myself or with my life until I went travelling.

While watching the sunrise over Angkor Wat, while standing on the top of a mountain in the Austrian Alps, while walking along the lantern lit river in Hoi An at night, I learnt to fall in love with life and appreciate it for all it’s quirks and charms and ups and downs.

While I was crying in my hotel room in Africa because I was struggling to process how different my life was from people there, while I spent two weeks talking to no one in Austria, while I navigated a hospital alone, as I figured out how to walk the streets of Cambodia and catch a tuktuk on my own, when I trusted strangers, while I sat on the pavement in Vietnam eating local food…I learnt to love who I was with no filter.

(I also learnt I have a problem with how much I love coffee and red wine)

I realised who I was; an incredible person, a resilient person, someone who cared deeply about the world, someone who could do incredible things, someone who was not limited by others. But I also realised, the more I learnt to love myself, just how little I let other people love me…who I really am.

The person I am at 2am when I’m still awake worrying about the next day, when I’m jumping up and down with excitement over the stupidest things, when I’m in my ‘bliss zone’ grocery shopping, while I ignore them as I write another book that I’ll probably never finish, when I’m doing the hobbies I love, the way I look at the sunset or the sunrise, the strange thoughts that float around my mind on a long car ride, the big and wild dreams I decide I’m going to embark on because why the hell not? I’m a why not person. I live my life taking on everything unless you can give me a bloody good reason not to. It means I do some really stupid things sometimes, but it also means I go and will go incredible places and do big things. I want that for my life. Even if they’re little big things. I want life to be bigger and unlimited by what I might be afraid of. And ultimately I want someone beside me who feels the same way, who wants to push me to do that, who does not ‘tolerate’ my personality but rather brings the positives and helps me overcome the negatives. I need someone to constantly challenge me to be a better person, but feel safe enough that they’re going to love me even when I’m a really crappy person.

(And when I listen to the same song on repeat 6 million times before I get sick of it.)

I’m happy alone, I just have to learn now how to not only be happy alone but with someone and realise it’s not a bad thing to love people. It’s not a bad thing to fall in love.

It’s ok to be out of control and just see what happens.

Ok so I think my problem with my inability to write blogs comes from this new thing I’ve started doing called ‘editing’. Did any of you realise how much pointless crap I waffle on about on here? I’m sure one day my children will discover the dark archives of my blog and will forever use it as a valid defense in any argument.

*cries into glass of wine and remembers once again why reproducing might be a bad idea*

Anyway! Pretty much what I’m trying to say… is I’m bloody brilliant and I’m fantastically happy and life is moving in this slightly dream like direction… sometimes I’m not quite sure how to handle that because it’s been a little while since I’ve felt this satisfied. Actually, I don’t think I’ve felt quite like this about my life before.

(I’m a perfectionist and I’m not good at this ‘accepting my flaws and realising life can be perfect without being perfect’ thing)

It’s baby steps, I’m learning lots of stuff. I’m enjoying sunsets and sunrises. I have an amazing person by my side and I’m going to miss my bestie like crazy when she moves soon, and I’ll probably cry, but I’m also so damn glad life is moving on for us all in the best possible way.

And it’s Friday.

And I’m visiting a friend tonight and we’re going to have a night out!

Both of those things make me incredibly happy.

#Illalwayshavewinetocuddleifitturnstoshit

 

Little strange single lessons

Adjusting to single life is interesting after a long relationship. It’s even more interesting adjusting in a world where things like snapchat and going to town weren’t part of life when I went into it. I’ve emerged on the other side into a whole new world of strange things.

For starters, my snapchat perviously had about six friends all who received pictures of my horse or me pulling faces. I’d sometimes send photos when I felt like I looked pretty. But there was little snapchating. Actually, I could probably have counted on one hand the amount of times I’d snap someone in a week.

So, I’m having to learn all these things like who you send what kind of snap to, when you send a snap, how many you send in a day, why not to use snapchat when drinking, that no one cares about my stationary order at work, and just what kind of angle and lighting works for that winning selfie. Gosh there’s a lot to learn. The worst part about it is I’m pretty sure I miss the mark constantly. Heck, I only just learnt it was possible to send a photo saved to your phone rather than only send photos you’ve just taken. I also learnt you can take photos and save them to your phone before sending them!

Going out is also a whole new ball game. Before there was no such thing as free drinks and there was that awkward conversation starter of ‘is that your boyfriend?’ And I never stopped to think about giving my number to anyone. Actually I had a great fake number I used on occasion.

I’m now realising there’s more to going out than I’d ever have imagined. Free drinks are great but there is probably a limit to how many one should consume in a night. People do ask for your number and it’s super strange when you have no idea what or who they are when they do use that number, and people can easily find my name on Facebook (who knew people could even spell Sacha correctly?) Going out is really fun, being hit on is no longer awkward, but suddenly I have absolutely no idea how to have a conversation with some stranger I met once, I have no idea if I should even talk to said stranger. And I no longer know if I should put people in their place when they try their luck a little too much. I’ve concluded yes but I don’t understand anything about this.

It’s frightening.

Suddenly relationships seem far more complicated than I ever realised. I have no idea what to say to people or how to have conversation with someone I might be interested in. I have no idea what’s talking too much or not enough. I don’t even know what I want from someone let alone asking all these questions.

Being 22 and single is a very weird place to be.

It’s not a bad place to be.

I just realise how strange life really is at times and how much relationships and how we interact with people has changed in the past few years. It’s only been four years and this feels like an entirely new world. I mean, I didn’t even really use Facebook that much to talk to people and now I have to figure out how often people actually chat and what sort of things they chat about.

I certainly know what I don’t want. But it’s not always easy defining what I do want.

Suddenly I’m no longer a journalist, I’m no longer dating someone, and I no longer compete my horse. Everything I used to define myself isn’t there anymore. And I have to just be me. I know me, I like me, it’s just a very new thing for me to let other people know and like me. There is absolutely nothing to hide behind and I have no option other than to be honest and open and myself.

That is a strange thing to face.

So, onwards and upwards as always. Life is great; I’m not getting enough sleep as always, I’ve had too many good weekends as always, I need to be kinder to my body as always, but I’m no longer as sick as I was and I’m loving life. Things are good. Everything is a learning curve, but it is good. I’m me, I like me, and that’s what counts.

 

 

Rolling on through

Oh summer, where have you gone! December is always a bit of an iffy month…but part of me was still holding out for a beautiful sunny first week. Instead I am sitting behind my computer in Tauranga at 5pm wondering if we’re actually in Hamilton in the middle of winter.

Week one of work has so far gone quite smoothly. I’ve managed to remember how to file, how to do research, how to operate a PC computer (they’re of the devil I’m sure…), and I’ve learnt how to do invoices.

#winning

No, all jokes aside it looks like it’s going to be quite a cool job. I get great hours, good pay, and have time to learn all about different areas of the property market…which I am a bit obsessed with at times.

By the time this year ends I will have gone from having no job to having three quite good part time roles: admin/marketing, show home hostess (cheers dad), and Communications Consultant. Oh and don’t forget the cool title of ‘Youth Engagement Manager’ for YouthNet. All titles aside, pretty much I spend my day either talking to people about something I can do for them, or doing things for people that need to be done because they don’t want to do them. As for the youth one…the New Year should see that become more of a doing something and less of a ‘I’ve got a cool title and business cards!’.

Why have I gone from being all like ‘nooo, I want a life I don’t want to spend it working’, yet now have three jobs? Well, they’re all flexible which makes my heart sing and means I can actually exercise properly (I hope) but it’s also because I have grand plans for more travel come the end of the year.

When don’t I have grand plans?

I’ve managed to keep my pot plant alive thus far, my horse is so fat and has eaten so much grass she’s gone borderline mad, and the cat thinks life is better anywhere that I’m not…unless I’m feeding him. I don’t blame him. If I was a cat I’d spend all my days wandering around making friends.

Christmas is rolling around and I’m yet to even utter the words ‘Christmas shopping’, but I do have a plan for New Years celebrations and I’m hoping to get something of a in my two weeks off during office close down.

Then it’s off to Canada! Life never really does get boring!

So on that note I must leave with my pounding headache from a lack of sleep and too much coffee so I can see my fat horse and eat some food before I escape to church tonight for a ladies evening.

I will stop at some stage.

I think.

No promises though.

The next little steps

Breakups aren’t fun. Even amicable breakups make you want to punch someone in the face at times. And it’s hard not to wallow in self pity singing “I will be forever alone” through tears. But I won’t be forever alone. I have a cat. And people think I’m joking when I say that but really, he’s quite a cool cat. Though, there’s always the chance he’ll run away. Then I have the horse, and she’s in a paddock, so she can’t actually escape. Even if she does she can’t go far because I FEED HER! *insert evil controlling laugh here*.

Today is the day I move my furniture. I’ve never really been in this point in a relationship before so I have no idea exactly how I should be feeling about it. Most of the time I’m just really happy I get my super comfy bed back to myself because I plan on spending a great deal of amazing sleeping in that thing. So I have a small amount of part time work with a pretty cool new company called Dynamic Media in Hamilton and I have a nice little to do list for YouthNet to start things rolling for that. Life appears for the most part to be on the right track. There’s still of course figuring out what I’m actually doing with it come new year…but for now I think I’ll just focus on the fact I can get a tan and ride my horse on the weekend. Once my tailbone is better of course, but for now I’ll just dream about galloping up hills while I go for runs on the beach. Yep, that’s right, I get to live by the beach for a while!

I’ve started to write a ‘single person to do list’, it’s sort of all those funny little things I’ve never done because I’ve been in a relationship since I was 17. And now at 22 and going grey, I feel it’s time I started completing some of them. Once I’ve got past number one I might add it here for you all to laugh at.

Life is under control in between the strange fits of sobbing, the angry laughing (I do hysterical laughing when I get really upset, seems to improve the situation though), the smiling and loving life, and the feeling of OH MY GOSH WHAT THE HELL AM I ACTUALLY GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW?! That last one seems to be the most prominent.

I’ll get there. I’ll figure it out. I always do. In the midst of my weirdness and feeling like my life has just sort of unraveled at my feet, I do know things will be just fine, life is going to be great. And when I get really down I just think about all the times I stood at the top of the Alps in Austria and screamed “I’M ALIVE, I’M FREAKING ALIVE!” And for all of you who know how often I fall off things…that’s actually quite a shock. So, I have an entire life to be grateful for and amazing people in it to enjoy it with.

Hello summer…I think this year we’re going to be friends.

Honesty

I really need to stop having these 11.30pm sudden brainwaves for blogs, they are highly disruptive to my sleep patterns! Never the less, since I went to all the effort of reaching over and turing my computer back on I better follow through with my potentially tragic blog post.

I began this blog three years ago because I wanted to be honest. You know that kind of refreshing yet cringe worthy honest you don’t find many places now? Yep, I wanted to be that. And I feel like I did that almost too well at some points. But lately I’ve been really dropping the ball. There are several things I usually leave off the table when it comes to blogging: my relationship, my family, my job.

Mainly because: I still want to be in a relationship, I actually enjoy talking to my family, and it is also necessary to continue being employed. Ok so the last one is a little bit of an over exaggeration. But I thought it was about time I started sharing some of the tough parts I tend to just avoid on here…because they’re life. It’s all part of life. And what point is there in having an honest blog if I’m never honest?

Long distance relationships suck…really suck. We only live an hour apart so it’s actually not that long distance. But after nearly four years there are some things I’ve come to love and come to hate about it.

It’s easy to end up with no social life because you spend most weekends at their place, or yours if they actually make it that far (stab stab, I promised myself this would not be a bitch session), you find yourself acting like a control freak because you don’t want to see their friends during the little time you have with them, sometimes it’s kind of nice having separate lives and not having to speak to anyone in the evening, ‘moving in’ is not as simple as just shifting to their apartment – it’s actually a rather large decision and requires up rooting your entire life, going out for a lunch date feels weird, you get to make the most of time spent together, when things go bad they’re not just around the corner, but you have two of everything so your over night bag doesn’t need repacking every weekend.

So after a chat with my homeopath tonight it was established I have a personality which tends to attract the whole ‘responsibility thing’…I like to be organised, I’m fairly reliable if you don’t want to get somewhere on time, so generally speaking I’m quite good in a ‘motherly’ roll. The problem with that is the other side of my personality imagines disappearing with no waring when I feel large amounts of pressure to act consistently like a grown up.

After a fight with my boyfriend over what’s important in our lives, bloody rugby, and feeling like I constantly mother my sister and also feeling like I’m stuck on this treadmill going faster than I can run at work…I kind of feel like I want to crawl under the covers and never come out.

Because part of me also knows it’s my fault!

I am that ‘person’ for some people, and I try to be that person so that people need me, and it’s not just limited to people, I never let anyone else ride my horse for six years for crying out loud! I like to be needed. But I often forget I need to let myself just be me. And just enjoy being me.

This year was about being unapologetically me…and I think I lose sight of that often trying to be everyone else’s person. I get lost trying to keep up. But I can’t. I never could. Sometimes life just has really good little reminders for me.

I need to let go, I need to let people stand on their own two feet, I need to allow myself to be angry when I’m not ok with things, I need to find who and what I want to be as a journalist.

I need me more than anyone else right now…and I think I’m slowly getting there.

So here is to honesty, and more of it to come!

Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for crash landing.

Stress…just stress.

Stress. My good old buddy stress. I’d like to say we’d parted ways long ago but I doubt that will ever be the case. It’s my fault in part, I did decide to plan an overseas trip at the last moment…but life just likes to throw in all these odd curve balls – good and bad.

Work has been great, too great. I’ve had all these great stories come up but the problem with a whole bunch of good stories is it means a whole bunch of transcribes and council agendas and interviews and after a while the words stop making sense and the pages start spinning. One transcribe, which was from a 30minute long interview, was over 700 words. And all you college kids are whinging about a 3000 word essay. I can write 3000 words in my sleep…no seriously, I’ve started dreaming articles.

Mardy sold, which was fantastic and takes the heat off saving…because lets be honest…I actually had no idea how I was paying for a good 1/3rd of the trip before that. Ivy has gone to her new lease home which is both heart stoppingly nerve wracking and fantastic. For the first time since I started working, I will not be paying grazing…and I actually have time to GROCERY SHOP!

I haven’t done a proper grocery shop, and by proper I mean one where I’m not dodging people while running from isle to isle grabbing what I actually cannot live without frantically from the shelves and flying through the self checkout isle, for more than three weeks. And by what I cannot live without I mean things like almond milk…I ate chips for dinner. According to my tired brain dinner doesn’t count as a necessary component to life.

But back to Ivy…she’s my baby. I’m her person. I’ve had her for the past six years, no one has looked after her for more than two weeks at a time. No one. She is never further than an hour from me. That, and there have only been two other people ride her since I bought her…and I was there the whole time with both. So yes, I’m sort of freaking out.

I also came home to find Casey screaming in pain on Saturday, first time calling an ambulance…yep super fun. Thankfully she is ok and for her sake (and because I value my life) I’m not going to go into details. But hey, at least I already knew my way around a hospital so knew where to park!

And because I love my job and really want to make sure I do everything I need to do before I go, I’m doing bike rides like they’re going out of fashion. My butt is not forgiving me for them.

Oh and Snuggie my cat is still missing after two weeks.

Alex moves this week.

Oh yeah, and I’m leaving the country in four weeks…including this one.

I haven’t even booked my Austria flight! I just want to book the damn flight! And then there is accommodation…deep breaths. Lots and lots of them.

Then I also agreed to do this speaking thing. I’m kind of excited and also really really regretting the decision due to the fact my adrenaline is already pumping at a rate of knots and I’m sick…again.

Not that I really blame my immune system, I’ve sort of put it through hell as of late. My skin is also jumping on the ‘I’m in protest of your life currently’ and throwing a bit of a hissy fit. I don’t blame it really, given I’ve eaten both gluten and dairy in the past week alone and can’t remember the last time I cooked myself a half decent dinner that didn’t include chips or coconut water as a staple item.

Never the less, I am alive. Tired, stressed, but alive.

Headless chicken mode activated.

Yes, I’m good

Journalists are funny creatures. Or at least the ones I know are. We find strange mechanisms for coping with the work load that just-never-stops and the big bosses in swively chairs making decisions. It’s easier to laugh and take the piss out of the mania that has been created than it is to have a cry and actually try to analyse the strange and perhaps concerning reaction I have to stress.

Laugh. Laughter and incredible sarcasm usually follow a period of wanting to crawl under a rock and hide.

We’re also strange, because we have to be a million different people. We have to understand the workings of government, local government, planning and zoning, court and legal jargon, we have to be empathic during the large amounts of sad stories we cover, yet heartless enough not to get caught up. We have to be experts in a number of areas at the same time and we are not forgiven when we make a mistake.

We also learn very personal details about people within 20 minutes of meeting them.

And I always plan what I will ask someone in a conversation before I start talking to them… even when I’m not working.

We’re strange creatures. I think one almost has to be born a journalist to be able to maintain some level of sanity, and only half a heart so we don’t cry during sad interview, but are still able to care about the people we are writing for and about.

Anyway, enough about that part of my job.

My next adventure to master for my column is paragliding. The problem with paragliding in New Zealand, is there are very few places with a website.

I just don’t trust jumping off a cliff with someone who is not readily available for me to learn every detail about on the internet.

I struggle to be friends with someone who is not googleable…simply because making ‘normal’ conversation is a skill I lack.

So life is hectic, I am still on the verge of insanity, I love my life, I refuse to me a mean person even when I want to hurt something…the world doesn’t need any more mean people.

I am alive, I am breathing on my own, I have all my limbs and I am able to laugh. So I think I’m good. Yes, I’m good.