Even one step is still movement

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” – Bell Hooks, All About Love

It’s been a struggle street as anyone who’s read my blog lately will know. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You all come here for a laugh or a bit of information and I’ve been shoving pity parties in your face for months.

Never the less, I am back.

While I’m still wallowing in moments of ‘I CAN’T DO THIS’…I’ve decided it’s time to get the big girl pants on and be brave.

That might sound a little sarcastic. It’s not meant to.

Here’s the thing about not only changing my complete life direction, but also wanting a job that I can throw every ounce of spare energy into; it’s daunting. I’m living in a space of constant pushing; constant needing to be more, do more, achieve more, learn more.

To make big moves you have to take big steps.

And sometimes, that’s damn terrifying.

Ok, ok, here’s what that looks like for me right now. Jobs. There are jobs every three or so weeks that come up which I think ‘YES, THAT IS WHAT I WANT!’

But, there is always a list of necessary requirements. Most jobs I feel as though I could fit that, I could do that and/or I have the skills and have previously achieved it.

But with every job that makes me think ‘YES’, is a little voice that goes ‘oh but you can’t do that!’

Sush little voice, it’s not your turn right now.

Here’s what being brave looks like: I’ve written copious cover letters. I have edited, rewritten and I have attempted to perfect my CV. Now, I need to send that. I need to click apply and just do it.

It sounds easy.

But it’s the first step toward ‘YES, I’m doing life a different way now’.

I don’t actually have a ‘plan’. I couldn’t give you my ideal job description without changing it about five times and adding in almost every skill I have into a job description I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist.

What I do know: I want to make a change in people’s lives and I have the skills, and at the very least the determination and energy, to do that.

And that voice is the one that needs to be heard.

If I don’t get an interview, so what? If I don’t get the job? So what. I’m still taking the first step toward the possibility. And that’s something I constantly remind myself of…it’s not a failure if it’s not successful, it’s just not the right time and the right thing.

There will be another thing and a right time. Patience.

Making big life changes is terrifying and anyone who has ever just up and said ‘enough is enough I’m making something of myself’ knows what that feels like. It’s not that I didn’t have a great job in the past, it’s not that I don’t have a good one now. It’s that I’m searching for the job I want to stay up till midnight working on.

I know, I’m mad right?

But when someone asked the other day what my 10 year vision was I said (among other things) to have a job I enjoyed so much, I wanted to work over 50 hours a week doing it.

I have energy and I’m incredibly ambitious. Not for myself, but because I have a vision for what I want this country to look like…so I’m pretty determined to go after that and make it happen.

But with that comes drive and energy I didn’t realise I actually had in me…unless we’re talking about running. I never have enough energy or drive for that.

However, it’s easy to be ‘busy’ doing things that don’t actually get you any further. I used to hate being bored because I hated having the time for thoughts to take over and self doubt to creep in. I often avoided being alone with silence because silence can be a very terrifying thing.

You might be wondering why I began this blog with the quote I did…

Because learning to be alone for me, was the first step toward making changes that I always wanted to make, but was far to afraid to make them. People were a little perplexed as to why I wanted to go hiking in Austria alone. It’s a country people from New Zealand don’t venture to much. Hiking in Autumn is an odd thing to do. And it’s pretty remote and few people speak English.

I knew it’s what I needed.

I needed to be alone to learn to support myself, love myself, and process thoughts in a positive way. I needed to lean on myself first so when I lent on other people it wasn’t because I needed to avoid myself, it would be because I need them as the person they are with the skills they have. And a mountain in the middle of Austria is a pretty great way to do that.

What do I want to do? I’m not 100 per cent sure. What do I want to achieve? Now that I am very sure of. And being alone gave me time to realise the honest truth of that: what I was doing, wasn’t even close to achieving what I wanted to achieve.

And that might have lead to the end of a relationship, landing on my parents door and bunking down back at home for a year and being jobless periodically…but you know what…it was still worth it.

Now instead of being busy doing things for the sake of being busy…I’m doing things that have a purpose and a point and will hopefully point me in the right direction.

Even one step is still movement.

I’m an ideas person and I’ve started allowing myself to follow ideas. I need to get a diary for jotting them all down. But in the past it’s been pretty easy to say ‘well actually nah, that’s not worth doing.’

I mean I still probably have at least five ideas a day that really aren’t useful. However, I’ve stopped being annoyed at myself for that. Ideas good or bad are great. It means I’m thinking in such a way that can create change.

So that’s my positive vibes for Friday. I hope you’re all as pumped as I am for the weekend! I’m taking Monday off to spend it at the mountain because sometimes it’s good to make time for having fun for the sake of it.

Till next time x

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A blog of random stuff…just cause

Hello world! Gosh I feel like I’ve been in some sort of hibernation! I’m not entirely sure why I’ve slacked off on the blogging. Perhaps it’s kind of become like my once loved dairy: occasionally paid attention to, but usually only to write bad stuff. I was going to do something clever with that…I thought there could be a cool metaphor there (I’m all about those metaphors and similes)…but then I remembered I’m tired, I’ve been studying psychology or I’ve written away my life and have finger cramp from work. Clever metaphors don’t really happen when I’m tired, or they fall seriously flat and people just feel sorry for me.

I started a new gym yesterday. It was as terrifying as one might imagine. I find gyms incredibly frightening. If you wander around trying to find everything and it’s not in the place you want and you stop and stare around with this panicked look on your face…everyone turns to look at you like the zombies look at humans on the walking dead. I want to resist the urge to throw my water bottle and phone at them with a ‘ah! This is too hard!’

But it’s ok. Sam was there and because he looks like he belongs in a gym, I felt safe…secure. Like the gym zombies were not going to come after me should I make a wrong move.

But I now have a sore back. Because I did back yesterday. I have a weak lower back and I’m crying a little inside about that right now.

So I was reading back through my blog (I only read 2015 because anything before that is just plain embarrassing… have a read if you want a laugh), and I realised a year a go today (cheers Facebook!) I was planning my overseas trip, my cat buttons had to be put down, one of my horses I sold had to be put down, I lost my cat Snuggie, and I sold my foal.

The point of mentioning that is I wrote a big post about ‘letting go’ this time last year. I was going to write a big spiel about how ‘I’ve come so far with letting go’ because I can deal with someone else riding my horse and be happy about it (a year ago only two people had ridden her during the six years I had owned her, and that was one ride each… so…)

By letting go I mean letting go of control. So, you see, pretty much, with my brain being super tired I’m not going to attempt to write a big long, super inspirational blog about it because in all honestly, I’m still terrible at it.

Two years ago, and it was well documented on here, I had what I would call the start of a breakdown. It wasn’t terrible, most people weren’t super aware of it. Just I had this over whelming urge to escape. A lot of that came because everything felt ‘out of my control’. I was a mess; sobbing each night to friends and family about how I ‘just couldn’t do it anymore’.

In hindsight, now I’m studying counselling, I probably should have seen a counsellor. But ya know, dropping everything and going around the world works too.

Here’s the thing though… it felt out of my control and it WAS out of my control. There was a fairly good list of crappy things that just weren’t going well and the things that were going well I didn’t feel equipped to manage. I needed to leave and it turned out to be the best thing for me. But I think it’s taught me a very valuable snippet of knowledge: it’s all out of your control.

In my study I recently learnt about flow…if people have challenges they can rise to and they feel equipped or able to do so, they achieve flow (it’s a good state of mind is what I’ve gathered). If the challenge is too much for the persons perceived ability to handle it, or if the challenge is not enough, that is when you get someone who is unproductive/frustrated or stressed. (I mainly added this in here so I can prove to myself I’m learning stuff and actually start remembering it…forgive me if it’s only 90% accurate)

Dad always says (kind of, the follow quote I actually found on a quote site thingy): “Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it”.

It is true. I will accept that. But it’s damn hard! It’s hard to be happy and positive when, while I enjoy my job, I don’t feel like it’s as challenging as it could be, where I feel study is too challenging and it’s damn scary! It’s easy to fall into the mindset of ‘panic, I’m stressed!’ I am not at all achieving flow in any areas of my life. Currently I’m studying motivation and emotion for my final exam, so I’ll bore you all with that next blog.

I am, at the moment, constantly in a battle with my mind of ‘it’s ok, you are capable’ and ‘take a moment to breathe, now start from the beginning’ and ‘I WANNA MAKE IT ALL STOP. I QUIT BEING A GROWN UP!’ The last part is usually said (silently so people think I’m kind of normal) in my head with the picture of me throwing a tantrum on the ground.

It takes a great amount of determination to remind myself day in, day out that I need to a) be patient and wait until the doors start to open..quit trying to pound them down and b) appreciate life being momentarily slower than usual and c) do as much with what I have right now and d) I will get my chance to make a change and a difference, I’m just in a growth phase.

That all might sound cheesy, but it’s true. Some moments are ‘go moments’ and some are ‘whoa moments’. There are times I am riding my horse and we focus on the boring stuff: learning how to listen, how to relax, how to work correctly. Then there are the moments we throw it all out the window and go as fast as we can…but I always know in those moments I’ve put the work in to learn, so when I need an automatic and immediate response to a problem while going a million miles an hour…I have it. There are also the moments, like in the jumping ring, where it’s a combination of give it your all, but use the lessons every step of the way and the more you know, the more you achieve.

Right now I’m in a whoa moment. It’s not the time to be going as fast as I can taking in everything around the world, testing my responses. It’s the time to focus and learn and listen…and wait. There will be another go moment.

And I need to remind myself of that.

 

 

 

 

The little and the big things

I’m at this strange stage of life where no one stays still for long. People are moving from each stage of their life at some rapid rate. Every week there’s new wedding or engagement photos, people are traveling, moving jobs, moving houses.

People are moving. Their lives are going at this rapid rate. The horse world carries on without me, and I’m still floundering around trying to figure out how to get comfortable with my own new stage of life.

Staying still for a year.

That’s a big challenge. I don’t stay still. I run at a rate of knots so I never get left behind. But I have now reached a time in my life where I can’t do that anymore. I can’t keep trying to keep up. And I have to remember exactly what I want, and why I want it.

I’ve been offered a really cool opportunity with work, but it wasn’t right. So I’m staying here. In this house, in this place, and I’m not competing my horse, and I’m going to relax, and I’m going to focus on work. Because that’s what I need and that’s where I’m happy.

But…because I’m not the kind of person to stay too still for too long…I’m planing to head to Cambodia at the end of this year.

I have a number of different things I want to do while over there, but mainly it’s my chance to take my next step…whatever that ends up being.

For the first time in my life, I feel like every decision I have made lately is the right one for me. None of them have anything to do with ‘fitting in’ or how other people might value or see it. It’s about me, and my life.

And I think, I have reached this point of satisfaction with myself I have desperately wanted to get to for a very long time.

I’m terrified, excited, and comfortable. And I think those make for one hell of an adventure.

So yay! For all my traveling plans, Cambodia…Asia…then perhaps a break in Switzerland…and wherever else calls me between all that. Four months I’ve given myself. Because once I’ve learnt how to stay put and be ok with going at my pace, I’ve got to get out of my comfort zone and dive into what life has ahead of me.

It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but it’s going to be a good one.

Here’s to 2015!

Everything, everything is going to be alright, alright

The holiday is over. Work has begun, thankfully more like small kitten cuddles in the morning rather than a racehorse dragging me around a racetrack. I’m waiting for the racehorse moments, but they will bide their time, possibly until I feel comfortable enough to start breathing like a normal person and am yet to respond with “wine” to how I feel.

There a few things I am going to stick with year (I say now…wait till June when I am a stressed out blubbering mess and hugging my wine bottle as the long weekends stop and a holiday is like the start of a sunrise…on the other side of the world). What are these life changes you ask? Well, since moving into my new house (two and a bit months) I haven’t had a messy room once. I have developed an obsession with cleaning things (this doesn’t extend to dishes though…). I have also developed an addiction to ‘The Bachelorette’. I’m yet to decide which one I should be more concerned about.

But here are the things I’m really aiming for.

Early starts: Starting with this morning (my core and shoulders are hating me for it) I’m getting up at 6.30am and doing 20 minutes of yoga/pilates followed by a relaxing hot shower. I must say, it definitely stopped my pounding heart this morning about the day/ year ahead. So, I’m hopeful.

Take it easy: I’m not taking on too much this year. Normally I get bored and start something new on top of everything I’m already doing. I’ve been much better at this over the years and last year was partly out of my control, but this year I am keeping it simple and enjoying the little things like drinking wine in the sunshine, growing my own veggies, watering the garden, seeing the sunrise, enjoying just riding my horse for fun, and putting my best foot forward for my job.

Learn a language: I’ve always wanted to do this. So this year I’m doing it. Slowly and two words a day…but I’m doing it.

Walk more: Last year I seriously missed tramping through the bush. There is no better way I feel, to unwind and get out of my own head, than heading into the bush for a good walk and a swim in a fresh river.

I think that’s enough ‘aiming’ for the year…there are a few other things in the pipelines but you’ll just all have to wait and see what those will be!

Here’s to a great year ahead! And to all those back at work now… just keep dreaming of the beach, you’ll be ok, you’ll be ok.

Happy New Year

It’s really hot here. Like, I am sitting with my fan less than 30 cm from my face, I have every window and door open in the house, and I have used a scarf as a skirt because all my other clothing sticks to me.

Welcome to summer.
Welcome, to to 2015.

So I took a little break there, I resisted all urges to write since the start of my holiday, I turned off my phone for eight days, and I have resisted the urge to rewrite a badly written book I read, and finished reading because I had nothing else to do while sunbathing.

I have managed to sunburn my skin to the point I don’t know if it will recover (damn you New Zealand sun) and I have cuts up my arms and down my legs that make me look as though I was in a fight with a cat…or two, possible a whole bunch actually. (I helped pick up hay bales, and I didn’t listen when they said wear long pants)

This year was meant to be all about ‘new beginnings’ ‘being happy’ ‘relaxing’ ‘having a life’.

Then I realised I live in the real world so instead of doing the whole ‘New Year resolution’ thing, I thought I would take a slightly different approach.

I do a lot of interviewing, as you all know, but I rarely talk about myself to new people. To the people I know, I probably talk far too much and please forgive me for that, but it’s not probably going to change.

Anyway, when I have someone ask me questions about myself I panic. I’m not sure why, but I think, from my incredibly in-depth 2 minutes of thinking about it since starting this blog, I just don’t really know who I am.

Oh yes I know… I’m one of ‘those’ people. I do know who I am, just not in a detailed kind of way.

Questions like ‘what’s your favourite food’ freak me out. I DON’T EVEN KNOW MAN! I feel like I should say pizza or pasta or ice cream, you know, something normal. BUT I CAN’T EAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS AND I DON’T REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT HALF HOUR EXPLAINING TO SOMEONE ALL MY COMPLICATED HEALTH ISSUES! I could say ‘salad’ or ‘fruit’ which are actually really yummy because I’m a badass food maker, but then you get this look that people give you when you’re thin and like healthy food. And I’m not often in the mood for that look, and I fear I may inflict bodily harm on someone if I see that look on their face when I’ve already dealt with a grumpy lady on the phone because ‘SHE’S NOT GETTING THE PAPER IN HER LETTER BOX EVERY WEEK!’

You see what I mean?

I’m either a ‘you’re going to know EVERYTHING about me, or nothing.’ Normally, for the sake of those talking to me, I stick with the nothing. They have no idea how lucky they are when they walk away.

Anyway, this whole thought process got me thinking about how I would describe myself if I could just open my mouth and speak without scaring, permanently damaging someone emotionally, or walking away knowing they think I’m a total weirdo.

Because you’re all reading this from your computer and nowhere near me…I’m going to lay it all out there.

This, is how I would describe myself:

I’m bad with computers. I really don’t like using my phone for anything other than FB and calls. I’m bad at replying to texts, I hate people asking questions I don’t know the answers to. I want to run away at some point to a surprising country for a few months because I refuse to live a cliche life. I and pig headed, kind hearted, tolerant until I’m not. I hate pigs and monkeys. I really don’t like summer because it’s hot and sticky. I don’t like the middle of winter because my hands don’t work properly. I have a tendency to be positive and negative all at the same time. I’m very pessimistic until I’m ridiculously optimistic. I often come up with strange ideas and have a complete satisfaction with my life the way it is right now. I like to horde things and sell things. When I say I have no money I do have money, I just no intention of spending that money. I own mainly high heals, I have one pair of flat shoes I wear on weekends, all other flat shoes are riding boots or gumboots. I still don’t live with my boyfriend after three years and that’s my choice and our decision, I struggle with children, when I say I’m busy after work…I normally mean I have a date with food and a TV show while tucked up in bed at 7pm. Still have no idea what I want to do with my life though I do have many options, I also ride horses…(this is where they look at me with either a ‘oh that’s sweet’ or a ‘you’re crazy aren’t you’ look, for the brave ones they give me a ‘that’s not really a sport’ look).

Nothing overly different. But for some reason, I struggle ‘letting people in’.

No, my aim for this year is not to ‘improve’ this or ‘work harder to make more friends’.

It’s this: Be unapologetically me. Do as many exciting things as I can while also being satisfied with spending five nights a week doing nothing but sitting in bed with food. Listen to my gut. And most of all, don’t just survive this year, but live it. See an opportunity, and take it.

Last year was one of the most challenging of my life. I won’t go back over it because most of you would have read through it with me. I’m content now, I am really happy with where I am right now. I didn’t realise that until I sat down to write this blog. Satisfaction to me is happiness. It is a deep sense of peace that right now, it’s all good. Last year taught me I can endure far more than I thought I could, I’m stronger, wiser, more compassionate now. But I’m also better at knowing when it’s time to put my foot down and doing just that.

So here is to a great year ahead, as hard as it may be or as challenging as it gets, it’s all another step in the direction my life is heading in (not entirely sure which direction that is, but at least we’re heading somewhere).

Happy New Year everyone!

Living.

I was having a very average day. Then my sister came over. And I made a life plan. Yes, I actually have a life plan. Not just one that I ‘sort of’ want to do or ‘would like’ this one… I’m going to do. 

It pretty much combines everything I want to do. Writing, traveling, horse riding, breeding horses, working on the farm, and having enough time for Alex. Sounds impossible right? Possibly not. 

It is still raining, and it is still cold, and my bank account is still sad, and I am still tired… which reminds me, I should be asleep…. but I have a plan, and that is a start. I actually have goals, and I don’t have to sacrifice anything. I know I am very crazy, but that has been well known from the start. 

So, here we go. 

It’s time to start living. 

Mountain of goals

I want to be many things. I figured I’d start with journalism, it seemed like a good place. My bucket list is a mile long, I want to be a rally car driver, horse breeder, sky dive instructor, be a councillor (those people who make decision for the city), a psychologist, a columnist, author, mother, farmer, riding instructor… I could keep going but I think that should do for now. There are all those quotes about getting on and just doing things, seizing the day and what not. If I actually listened and tried to do everything I want to do, right now, it wouldn’t end well. It is impossible to do everything right now. But yes, I can start. So, I did. I became a journalist, which means I get to have a column, where I do cool things, like drive a rally car, and learn about things a councillor does, at times you have to be a psychologist, I have money for a horse, so I’m breeding her, I’m learning more from my new horse, which means one day I’ll make a good instructor. 

Sometimes, you just have to start somewhere. 

The only thing with go after your goals, which in my case means enough for at least two life times, is you have to be prepared to work, and work really hard. 

And it is ok to seriously want to rip your hair out and stop. Cry, and sleep. Well, at least I keep telling myself that it is! I feel on top of the world, while also feeling like I got there by falling off a cliff. It doesn’t always feel ‘fun’ or ‘great’ or even good while you are clambering for the top. There are moments of great achievements, but most of the time it is a journey of hard work and you don’t even realise just how far you’ve come, because there is always, always another mile stone to get to. 

It’s worth it in the end I’ve been told… but to be honest, I think the only way I’ll be reaching ‘the end’ of my goals is when I am buried 6 ft under. And somehow… I don’t think that’s going to feel too good at all.

So, it’s time to buckle up and just enjoy the ride there. 

It’s a journey to ‘great’

I decided I am feeling inspired today. For various reasons, partly because I graduated… which I could rattle on about, but I have too many thoughts in my head just right now to talk about my bits of paper! Above is a picture of my horse Ivy, the one I’ve gone on and on and on about for the last however long I have had this blog for. So, just stay with me for a bit longer. 

Above is one of the first shows I ever did with her. I had never jumped that height before and she had not competed at it before. We still managed a third.

Image

 

Then this here was my proudest horse riding moment. I won this round, we had never felt like more of a team. It was the north island champs and I came out of nowhere, no one expected it, not even me! 

The very first picture is of us together, just the other day. She’s tired, she’s sore, and she misses getting out of her paddock. I have a new horse. Things have changed. In that second picture, at my first show I was 16. Right then, every single goal I had was to get through school, and be an amazing horse rider. Ivy was that horse that I was going to wow people with. Every single dream I had revolved around her. I chose where I studied after school mostly because of her. 

All throughout my life, and I am assuming yours, there have been many, many moments on the movies, stories from people, your parents encouragement, that you believe that you have a goal, and you just continue upwards until you get there. At least that is how I saw it; that every step I took just meant I was closer to being incredible. 

I thought that there was a moment, that moment I won a 1.60m show jumping round that I had reached the top. Of course I never got past 1.30m. But that’s okay. I was so focused on the end goal I forgot to actually take into consideration my life. The things that happen the gets you to the goal. You cant just look at it, and only it, and expect not to stumble. Sometimes, you have to look down. It is a humbling realisation that your story isn’t the one you’re so desperately trying to write. Your story, could be so much more exciting and entertaining and fulfilling that you can imagine. 

It is one of the hardest things to get so close, only to have to return to the bottom and start again, while watching everyone else continue up. But man, does it teach you some serious humility and determination. Kind of like when you’ve just finished that 3000 word essay and the computer crashes….

Anyway, I have rattled on long enough. What I am really saying is just because you’ve had a few set backs, struggled to come to terms with a few things, it doesn’t mean you’re not going to do great things, it just meant there were a few things you needed to learn before you could do great things. The journey to one’s goal is not a straight upwards line or one with only a few bumps in it. It’s like a mad woman’s hair on a windy day – it’s not always going to go your way. Eventually you’ll go through all the ups and downs and roundy rounds, and you might find that the great things happened along the way, and they never stop happening. 

Goal Keeper

When you’re 20 people start asking: “So where do you want to get to in life?” “What are your goals?” “Where to from here?” Of course people don’t stop to think you’ve only JUST managed to get to the point of doing something with your life. In my early 20’s I am feeling something like I do when I walk quickly up the mount (a small ‘mountain’ in Tauranga City New Zealand that takes about half and hour to an hour to walk up depending on who you are… and how much pain you want to put yourself through). 

The whole way up I am thinking “I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. Nearly there, just a little more pain and you’ll be there!” (now I sound like I am talking about child birth)… when I finally get to the top I look out and think “man, I am so glad I did that! I’m just going to stop for a while. A) so I can get my breath back because I lost it somewhere on the track about half way up, b) so I can enjoy the view I worked so hard to see. 

Standing on the top of that mountain is where I am in my life right now. Sure, while I’m up there I’m thinking of all the other cool things I want to achieve that day, like showering, sleeping, maybe a stroll on the beach. I am also thinking about the next weeks worth of fitness. But I am not actively going about it. Not yet. I am just enjoying the view and taking a moment to regenerate my batteries before I take off again.

I think that, this, is probably one of the best places to be in your life. You’ve managed the struggle. You’ve gone through a bit of pain. You’re alive, and you are grateful. There is so much to take in and appreciate, while at the same time you just need a moment to recover from the uphill battle you’ve gone through to get it. 

I have goals, plenty of them. But they’re in fragments, pieces that are yet to be constructed. I want a lot from life, and I want to give a lot in my life. I want to be many things over my years to come, and I want to make a name for myself. There is not a moment where I stop wanting more. 

But, there are moments where I stop and love what I have. Where I stop ‘aiming’ just for a moment. Where I just breathe. Every single person needs those moments, those are life. The struggles and the heartaches are part of life. But getting through them is the reward. That is when you feel alive. 

These are the moments that keep you going through the tough times. 

Now I have my answer for those people, “This is my goal. This was what I wanted. I have everything right in this moment that I need and could ever want. There will come a time shortly where I strive for more, where I put those goals into an achievable plan and I go get them. But right now, I’m just going to enjoy the most incredible view in the world.”

 

 

Cheers to the new years

2014, 20 years old, working full time. My oh my, how things have changed. It really did seem like just yesterday I was leaving school. Then again, I feel far to old for that. All-nighters: don’t happen. Drinking too much: no time for hangovers. Making my own money: overrated. 

While I’d quite like to ponder and reflect over the year, my memory has gone a little funny with my new found old age and to be honest, I have forgotten most of it. But, here are some of the things I am grateful for, and am proud of.

  • I survived. I feel as though this is a great accomplishment for any person reading this, if you make it through a year, you’re on your way to doing well.
  • I finished my degree, a BMA – communications, and a diploma, National Diploma of Journalism.
  • I brought my first car (that I paid for, not the first one to be in my care).
  • I brought a new horse and am creating a baby one.
  • I didn’t kill, abuse or scream at anyone (I may have screamed once or twice, I can’t remember). This is something I feel is a definite accomplishment, there were times it was a definitely challenge to continue being a good human being.
  • I moved house, twice. 
  • Said good-bye to my long time flatmate and best friend. 
  • Still have a boyfriend, this is something I don’t know how I managed, surely he’d have run for the hills by now.
  • I got my first full-time, real person job.

Things I probably could have or should have done better:

  • Didn’t make many new friends.
  • Should have kept up running.
  • Probably could have gotten better grades.
  • Could have saved more money.

So, my aim for the new year? Well, I don’t have big dreams and aspirations, though some probably think I should, my aim is pretty much this:

I want to be a better person. In the short, that means no more holding grudges. Seriously, I mean half the time I have no idea why I didn’t like that person, I just remember they weren’t that nice to me. Who cares? I’ve told myself to grow up, grow a pair and get over it. No more grudges or disliking people. I don’t have to be everyones friend, but I need to stop making an effort not to be their friend.

Me time. This is important. I am not setting a ‘I need to make more friends’ goal for this year because, really, the friends I have are just right. Even if I am sometimes lonely, I think I need to deal with coping with being alone. In other words, I need to again get over it and enjoy my own company. 

Stop stressing. It’s the future, it will turn up when it is ready in its sweet own time. Don’t panic. You have plenty of time to prepare.

Be the best writer I can. Pretty much, there aren’t goals for big awards and huge recognition. I just want to be proud of the job I have done and do it to my best possible ability.

There is no more ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’. I’m going to get off my lazy ass and do it. (Actually, lets me completely honest, this one won’t really stick).

Save what money I can, but don’t sweat it. Enjoy life without being over indulgent but there is no point denying myself the little pleasures. It only makes me sad and less likely to be wise with money in the future. Take a little in order to prevent my sudden desire to spend a lot of money all at once. 

Finish a freaking book. If I can read them, surely I can finish writing an entire one. No matter how crap, I must finish it. 

 

So pretty much to sum this all up: Suck it up, get over it, don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy life. 

Simple. And I think it’s going to work. 

2013 was a challenge, a struggle and full of enjoyment. It was the ultimate test to weed out the ones who can’t weather the storm. There’s going to be stronger ones to come but, I have a feeling 2014 will be interesting. That is exactly how life should be. 

Ready, set, go.