Goodbye to the week that’s been

Ok week. We’re done. I am literally digging my way through paper to get to my desk. My nose hurts from sneezing, I am well over tired because my poor brain has had far too much going on; socially and with work. I have spilt one cup of tea, burnt my tongue on two, pissed off an inspector (high ranked policeman), slept through both alarms this morning, and I desperately need to give my hair, nails, legs, face, and so on some attention before I resemble that of a yeti.

So it’s really not that bad.

Compared to others in the office, my day was a good one.

To be honest, I can’t even really sum up this week other than: I think we all need a wine.

On crappy days / weeks that feel like they’re slowly suffocating you, I find the only thing I can do at the end of them is be thankful I’m still alive, and operating. Enjoy the company of good people, or just the cat. Sometimes, it’s not even the cat, just the horse. Grab a glass and bottle of wine, and do something completely and utterly different and unrelated to daily life.

Or even something I just love doing, like sitting in my bed with a hottie bottle and food.

No place like bed.

All the best for your weekends! 

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Saving grace

Today, and yesterday, were the kind of days where I have to remind myself to breathe. One, because I need oxygen, two, because I need to relax. Along with a splitting headache and aching stomach, the clear indicator for stress was standing in the kitchen writing stories in my head. 

Stop it brain. Time to shut off. 

But I’ve done enough complaining lately. I actually enjoy working 8.30am to 7pm some days, in a weird way it means I can consume myself in work enough I can forget about all the other things I should be doing. 

Like making friends. Doing sport. Keeping fit. That sort of stuff. 

I realised though, these last few days, just how lucky I am. Today I have been trying really hard to be positive, so here is a list of things I am grateful for:

1) The guy who flashed his lights to warn me of a speed camera so I didn’t end up with another ticket. 

2) The fact it stopped raining when I went to feed my horse.

3) Fantastic people I have met during my interviews lately, these are amazing reminders of why I love my job.

4) Friends who bring me food. Like, there are no words for people like this. I love them more than I can explain. There is simply nothing better than a friend who offers to bring you food when you’ve had a really shitty day and forgot there was this thing called eating which you need to do.

5) Good music, the amount I have found lately has kept me afloat.

6) People to dream with. Even if it is something simple and far off, just having someone to discuss the future and the excitement of it makes me smile. 

7) Having a work car… because I am rather poor.

8) Managing to not crash it even though with this awful weather lately there have been several very close calls. 

9) Having a horse, because sometimes, you just need horse cuddles to make the world seem like a nice happy place.

10) A bed, a roof, a warm house, food, and a job. I don’t think I ever stop and appreciate these things enough. I am so lucky to live in a house, let alone the incredible house I live in, with good people, in a safe country.

So I have a life plan. I have a headache. I didn’t get a speeding ticket. I have managed to actually achieve nearly everything I need to by 10am tomorrow. I have fantastic friends. And my hottie bottle and cup of tea are perhaps some of the more reassuring things after a long day. 

Anyway, what I actually came on here to say was that I have become a far more vulnerable person. While that was very scary at first, it feels good to rely a little more on others and a little less on myself. Bad days are still unpleasant, but when you’re not shouldering the whole world, you feel much more equipped to cope. 

People rock. Good people, are really quite incredible. 

So folks, remember to ask for help when you can’t do it on your own anymore, and remember when to say no when you can’t take it anymore.

But don’t forget to say yes and to lend a hand when you can, because everyone has their turn at feeling like their my paddock in the rain with a horse running up and down it. 

 

Good days you’re mine

I think I need more sleep. I walked into a door today. Well, I didn’t actually walk into it as such, I opened it, but only enough that half of me fit before my hip caught the handle. It was a good day, it is a good day. My horse went really well this morning, the sun crept over the property just after 6am and the fog made it look mystical. I live in an incredible place.

I managed to get snapped at by a source before 9am, which is a new record for me. Unfortunately I wasn’t in a bitch voice mood, more of a cry in a corner mood. So I just went and found funny things online to try and cheer myself up again. 

I don’t know if I came on here to convince myself it was a good day, or to convince all of you. But I think it is. The sun is absolutely beautiful, the air is crisp and cold. I have the house to myself for a week. I had a fantastic holiday. I even had a great night over desert with friends, the first time I’ve spend time with a group of friends for a while. 

Perhaps it is my crazy side desperate to escape, after all I haven’t had any adrenaline rushes for the past month. Managing to not get washed away driving through a storm doesn’t really count…

So, I have made the decision, today is going to be a good day. Because I’m in a good place right now.

I am prone to wallowing, it’s one of the downfalls to being someone who loves to embrace everything… that sometimes means embracing sadness for just a little too long. 

As of now there will be no more wallowing. I will enjoy getting through my overwhelming to do list. Just one step at a time. I will enjoy relaxing tonight in front of the TV with a fluffy blanket, after trying another saddle on my horse and giving the other one cuddles. 

I need to learn to jump from one high to the other, none of this rolling down the hill into the dip, I don’t ‘flow’ I organise. I’m now organising happiness and I am saying it’s going to join in my day. 

Maybe I did come on here to convince myself it was a good day.

Hopefully I convinced you too.

 

 

 

Life is good.

Cold morning- refreshing though. A sleep in! 8.35. I wake with joy for the prospect that today might be wonderful. It’s a friday… I’m meant to have fridays off. Journalism never stops. That ok. Back out to the river to report once again. I’m going to be late. It doesn’t even matter! 

I breathe… Hay I’d forgotten I could do that. 

The sun is shinning, the clock is ticking… the birds are possible chirping… not that I can hear them. 

I even have time to make breakfast… scrambled eggs and semolina! 

Life is good. 

Life is really good guys.

Take it on the chin

Every writer hates to be edited. Even those who don’t admit it do. I mean it’s what we do… it’s what we’re meant to be good at… Most of the time we are.

But then there are the ‘Lazy days’ the one’s where you wrote it and just hit the send. Simply because your eyes would not stay open long enough to go back and read half of the gabble you just wrote.

These are often followed by the ‘He can do it, he’s the editor’ days… the one’s where you know the editor is going to be picky any way… you may as well leave him something to pick at…

And then of course for me… there’s the ‘I know I can do it but I’d rather get someone else to’ days. I like these days.

I hate editing my own work as much as I dislike someone editing it for me… but when push comes to shove… It is so much better not to have to do it yourself. It’s not that I cant, though I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not a strong point, it’s that I’d much prefer to let someone who likes doing it to do it.

Some people call this being lazy… I like to call it being cleaver.

Hmmm…

Here’s to coping with another day

Today was good. I rode my horse for the first time in years with absolutely no expectations. No goals or aims. I just had fun. Having fun. Wow, that is something that I don’t do often. Letting my hair down as such. No lately I’ve been more of a hair in a tight ponytail type person (metaphorically speaking as a ponytail actually gives me a headache). Maybe it is growing up. Perhaps it is the constant ‘be better’ pressure. 

It was a nice crisp Autumn day. Cold but not too cold. The grass has started growing again! I have plenty of hay. Plenty of feed. My horse is in great condition. We just went for a pleasant gallop across the paddock. It was border line saddle club style. 

Anyway, while I was taking in all the wonders we do actually have in the Waikato… yes I know, there are some. Like grass. It’s a wonderful thing when you’re part of the people who need it. I realized that it is impossible some days to wrestle yourself out of many of the hollows life likes to chuck you in, in a mad bull just bucked you off sort of way. 

For me, I see life as a fairytale. I have to. It is. I really actually do appreciate the smell Autumn leaves, hanging around just sort of lazing toward your nostrils. Or the way the infestation on rabbits is painfully annoying but incredibly cute! And the way I feel when I can just relax for those precious moments.

In a mumble bumble of story gathering, news writing, enjoying my horse and trying to enjoy the not so enjoyable aspects of life I am building myself.

Block by block we will get there. It might look a little patchworky but it will be whole. I’m not the person I was. I am a better version of it (unlike apples repetition of the same phone!). 

Eventually I will actually overcome the other little things that seem to hold me back… but until then it’s time to take it on the chin, suck it up like I’m squeezing into my new pants and build little walls to keep those nasty beartches out. 

You’re gunna make it one day kid.

Coping. Are you?

I broke down today. Actually broke down. After a good night, or well a good week, of confidence building, pride igniting and ego boosting, my emotions simply gave up. I’m not sure why, but I don’t deal well with stress. I don’t deal well with people holding me to expectations. I struggle. I don’t know who doesn’t.

I must say I feel sorry for my instructors and the people where my horse lives. Most people don’t see me break down. But they always do for some reason. Maybe its because around my horse I feel like I can actually fall apart. Everyone has a safe place- thats mine. But I just wound up in tears over the most pathetic thing.

So, seeing as no one is home I decided tonight was my de-stress night. Time to myself. I don’t actually know when the last time was I had alone time. Silence. Ticking clock. Blinking lights. And me. It’s really nice. Unfortunately I had to ditch my boyfriend for the night in order for this alone time but I feel like I needed it. There wasn’t a choice.

Sometimes I think its not so much about how much you have on, or even your time management. It’s about making sure there are times you put you first. Times you get to be selfish. Time when you do exactly what it is you want to be doing.

That is coping.

Little bit of a thought spillage

Today was a good day. This week has been a good week. I like it when things go well. I suppose though it hasn’t really gone well as such. It’s just the little things that have been good lately.

My horse has been cooperating and no longer acting like a teenage girl who just found out she wont actually ever get to date Justin Bieber. Thats been nice. Then of course theres the new house thats warm, always gets sunlight, has a large hot water cylinder, we have a surplus amount of -we brought it because we could and are pretending its a need- things and I’m really enjoying my flatmates company. I feel like I’m living in a nickelodeon show or a disney ‘feel good’ teenage -trying to motivate and make young kids think life is a fairytale and we’ll all live like Hannah Montana- its a nice feeling when its actually your life though.

I enjoy my own little quirks, like always putting a t on the end of though and having to backspace every single time I do it. Or making up words if I can’t think of the right one to use, even the fact I love to look at my eyes in a mirror -as if I might find out something new about myself- I like to be me. That is a nice feeling I believe.

It is so easy in today’s gibagaba to let yourself become subject to other peoples criticism. I don’t know if I’m just strange, and well so what if I am, but I like the little things I do wrong, the words I spell wrong, the words I say to much, the things that annoy people. I love those about myself. Because thats me.

I struggle to understand why someone would change those things about me or themselves. Life is a beautiful mess constantly. Embracing your role in the play is the first step to a successful curtain call. Criticism seems like a bazar thing to me. I’m crazy and thats fine. I love that. I think we’ve all got a little but of crazy in us.

To me, the way to look at the world is not whats wrong with it and not what can I change about it but what can I love about it and what can I contribute to it? A little bit cheesy but hay, theres always some truth to the cheese. Hmm I’m far to tired and a little but concussed to be writing on a public blog.

Never the less those are my thoughts splattered into a somewhat understandable polumble for you to process.

Good luck.

Law breaker by night, goody-good by day.

Now, my first matter of business may seem like a rather serious one but I would like to stress to you how funny I actually found this situation once the angry part had crawled back under its poorly used rock.

My day began cheerfully, I was in a pleasantly good mood so I decided to tackle the even impending task of cleaning out the shed… dum dum dummmm…A whole years worth of various garbage bags, old boxes and this odd dark liquidy goo that was seeping through most of it, had built up along with species of spiders I swear don’t actually exist. It was an all day task. Between me and one of my 3 flatmates we tackled what seemed like a rather unpleasant task in style and finished I must add in record time.

In between loading garbage bags that smelt like we possibly were hiding several dead bodies in them and driving to the dump I managed to look at a few new potential flats- one a great looking lovely, friendly, newish house that certainly had me groveling at the landlords feet and the other… well it needed a lot of love and a lot more of something else, but it was habitable if it came to that.

My day you could say was far from, well, easy. It was however productive. I finished the day by riding my lovely, temperamental, hormonal, boisterous horse which surprisingly was a great success. Around 10pm I had dinner, scrubbed pans that I don’t think I want to know what was baked on to them and then eventually dragged my sorry, drained, desperately needing to de-stress body to bed around 11.30pm. I then filled myself in on the latest T.V drama.

It was needless to say by the time I was asleep I was not wanting to be woken up for a very long time.

1am: Nock, nock, nock, nock, nock. 10 mins later, nock, bang, bang, rattle, BANG, ‘WAKE UP’. Scrambling out of my bed wiping newly formed sleep from my eyes I, along with another one of my flatmates, stumbled at a rapid rate to the door. Police. Now when you see police at your front door at 1am you generally think; murder, crash, death etc… what we got was well a little different.

‘We’ve heard you’ve been throwing rocks at the neighbors roof?’ (I shouldn’t add a question mark because it wasn’t really a question)

‘Uh… no?’ We both looked at each other with a you’ve got to be f***ing with us written all over our grouchy faces.

The conversation from here on I can only generally remember due to lack of brain function from over use and interrupted sleep but it went pretty much like this: Me defending myself and my flatmates with a rather frazzled and determined argument of we were asleep (I decided not to add ‘AND I WOULD STILL LIKE TO BE!’) while the cops proceeded to call us childish and refused to believe that we were indeed asleep at one in the morning. I mean after all who wouldn’t get up at 1am after a long tiring day to throw rocks at the neighbors roof?

Now I have never been one to disrespect authority such as the police but I was simply blown away by their simple disregard for the fact that though we were young, we actually do have better things to do with our lives than throw rocks at the neighbors roof in the early hours of the morning.

The encounter was promptly finished by the police as they decided there was little they could actually do with us, while they turned to walk away the male cop threw ‘the’ rock into our garden saying: ‘Better give you your rock back’- or something of that nature.

I was flabbergasted- I still am.

But I must say the encounter though throughly disgusting on the behalf of the police, was interesting, my first ‘run-in’ with the law and it wasn’t even me… oh well… suppose I’ll have to try harder next time to get up in the middle of the night in my sleep and unconsciously throw rocks, I mean what better way to spend an evening?

Just fantastic, faaannn-tasstic.