Here we go

I’ve done a lot of adulting lately. I’m not entirely sure when the moment hits for most people when you realise you are in fact an adult, but as I was walking through the supermarket, doing a normal weekly shop for myself for the first time in a year, it hit for me.

To be honest, most of my life ‘Epiphany’ moment hit while I’m the supermarket and I’m definitely part of a minority who genuinely enjoys the task. In a lot of ways it’s just the symbol of growing up to me.

From my first grocery shop living out of home five years ago, to the little moments where a mum referred to me as a ‘lady’, or the moment of pure joy I felt when I finally could shop again for food I recognised when I got to Austria after three months in Asia/Africa, it’s just my space.

I’m staying with Sam for a few weeks while the house is renovated so I jumped at the chance to do the weekly shop. It ended up being more like a fortnightly shop as I bough half the supermarket home (sorry credit card, I love you).

I was walking around the supermarket and I felt like ‘yes, this is home’. I traveled to Hamilton a few weeks ago and it was the first time it no longer felt like home. I wasn’t quite ready for that, Tauranga hadn’t quite felt like that yet. And now it does…well more so than Hamilton.

I think I’ve finally accepted life after I ran quickly from it all a year ago. It wasn’t a run in terms of ‘run away’, it was a ‘I need a change so I’m going about it pronto’. I just at the time had absolutely no idea how many things in my life that change would impact. I was laughing to myself in the car on the way home with Sam from something.

“It’s only been a year since you left the country?” He said.

“Yep. A lot can happen in a year.”

It surely can. I couldn’t do life as it was anymore, so I didn’t. I made a change, I’d put myself in the position to be able to make that change whenever I wanted to. I then came back and I started again. And that can be a bloody hard thing to do.

But I truly think in some form, we are all starting new in something.

Life is just like that.

I’ve done a lot of freaking out along with my realisation I’m an adult lately. Mainly just to remind myself I am only 22 and freaking out about major responsibility is normal. But then I also hate thinking that way; ‘only’ has this connotation that implies I have a lot of time. And I mean I do. But why waste any of it? I also might not. I don’t know what’s going to happen, so I’d rather make the most of opportunities that come along. Rushing through life and taking on opportunities before you’re ‘ready’ are different things, and people often get them confused.

Rushing is when you never stop to take in how far you’ve come or appreciate what you have accomplished, or even life for that matter. Taking opportunities when they come is just putting your hand up and say ‘yes’ it’s my time to do that now, so I’m going to. Even if you’re not 100 per cent ‘ready’ you probably never will be, so if it’s your time, take it, and don’t second guess yourself.

It’s always important to remember not every ‘opportunity’ is in fact one, and being able to tell the difference between the two is going to take you a long way in life.

Sam and I were talking mortgages the other day and he said, “I feel like other people don’t worry the same way about these things”.

And I laughed.

I said, “No, it’s the same for them, the difference is you don’t see it or hear about it”.

I tend to find myself living in a constant mindset of ‘I’m pretty sure it’s all just talk and none of it is really real’. Perhaps because I’m terrified it’s going all just disappear?  But I’m going to stop doing that. I’m not living life on a tight-wire waiting for the moment someone rips it out from underneath me or a strong wind comes and knocks me off. Life is happening and I’m doing it.

Mortgages, business, jobs, careers… it’s scary as all hell but who cares? I like a challenge right? And a bit of fear is always a great motivation to keep looking ahead.

Here we go.

 

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Pros, cons, failure

Growing up is a weird thing; it just sort of happens without really thinking about it. I mean sure, most of the time I’m thinking to myself ‘I am definitely not adult enough to deal with this’, but then there are moments where I suddenly realise I am an adult, and I’m actually doing it just fine. How can I tell I’m adulting well? Firstly, I am incredibly particular about wine, babies no longer scare me (I’m still highly skeptical I should ever actually be allowed to bring one up), I am capable of looking after multiple small people at once, I know life does not stop and start with marriage, relationships, or even having children…but those things are cool too, I’ve come to appreciate money…by that I mean the fact that I turn up to a place each day and do stuff and they then give me money so I can live, I am learning how to think about and navigate the idea of a mortgage, a house, where I want to live… and I have learnt just how fragile life is, and I appreciate that fact. Oh and I’ve also come to learn and accept shit happens to all of us.

I don’t feel grown up, but to honest I don’t know if anyone ever feels ‘grown up’, I think it’s more a feeling of comfortable experience that leads you to have a little more faith each year that in most situations you will, regardless of how you may feel at the time, be ok. I was going to put ‘survive’, but there’s really no guarantee of that.

My little cat had his vaccinations today. In order to get him into the cat cage I coxed him with food first into a small space. He then quickly realised something was not right and quickly escaped. I came back five minutes later to see he had given into his desire for food (animal like its owner) and I swiftly blocked the cat door with various washing baskets. He then escaped from the other door as I tried to enter with the cat cage and my attempts at a human barricade failed miserably. I then spent 10 minutes chasing him up and down the house until he finally gave in to his desire for pats and I captured him once and for all. His poor defeated meows were heart breaking as I loaded him into the car for mum to take him with her to the clinic (she’s a vet nurse). Admittedly the only time I’ve ever put him in a cage prior was to move him from one place to another…so right now he’s sitting in a cage at the clinic thinking this is his new home and he’s been transported to some kind of jail for a crime in which he does not know. I will sweep in and rescue him and he shall love me forever…and hopefully forget all about this mornings antics.

I have two weeks until my psychology exam. I have finally accepted there is no possible way for me to learn everything I need to learn. So, I’ve decided I will simply learn five chapters REALLY well so ace that part of the exam. I’d love to say this is a strategy well thought through, however it’s really a last ditch effort not to fail this whole thing.

But I can always try again.

Really what I’m telling myself is it is not the end of the world, I have wasted $700 in worse ways, it will be fine, I have wine, and if I have to try again I’ll just try again. Simple, right?

Adulting at its finest right there.

What I’m coming to learn this year is to just chill out. That might seem strange to those in my life who understand I operate at a million miles an hour and every single weekend in June is booked…however, I am learning to stop putting on the pressure, stop trying to overachieve, to move a million miles an hour. Just take one step, as it comes. For me, there are often many steps that come all at once…so if I apply that statement to my life it looks like madness.

But on the days I feel frustrated I’m not going anywhere fast enough, I just remind myself how much I wanted this; to have a warm home close to family, to have my own cat, to have a job that keeps me busy and earns me money but doesn’t give me nightmares, so I have time to study and enjoy that study. This is what I wanted when I sat in that little home in France and pictured life. It just didn’t happen how I expected it to. But this is really lovely.

It’s raining. I love rain. I love studying when it’s raining. Soon I’ll have a gym with a spa and I can provide myself with motivation for the gym with that. It’s winter, it’s snuggly weather, it’s raining, I’m studying something I love, I have a cat, I have plans for a house, I want to live in the country, I have a good job. It’s all about perspective…

Because when I got on here I was going to complain how stressed and didn’t want to study, how my head hurts because I have a headache because it’s always so damn cold, how it’s raining so I don’t want to go outside or to the gym, and I have no money for my dream home or my dream travel.

It’s really easy to get stuck feeling like it’s falling apart or like something else would be better. Of course it would, because it always looks great when you’re not living it. You can’t have all the pros without the cons and you rarely see the cons when it’s not your life.

I’m wearing my favourite sweater today, it’s raining, and I’m going to go home and snuggle my cat and study with a hot cup of tea. I might even take an Instagram shot of it all so people think my life is amazeballs.

Sorry, this blog had potentially a little too much sarcasm in it.

 

A blog of random stuff…just cause

Hello world! Gosh I feel like I’ve been in some sort of hibernation! I’m not entirely sure why I’ve slacked off on the blogging. Perhaps it’s kind of become like my once loved dairy: occasionally paid attention to, but usually only to write bad stuff. I was going to do something clever with that…I thought there could be a cool metaphor there (I’m all about those metaphors and similes)…but then I remembered I’m tired, I’ve been studying psychology or I’ve written away my life and have finger cramp from work. Clever metaphors don’t really happen when I’m tired, or they fall seriously flat and people just feel sorry for me.

I started a new gym yesterday. It was as terrifying as one might imagine. I find gyms incredibly frightening. If you wander around trying to find everything and it’s not in the place you want and you stop and stare around with this panicked look on your face…everyone turns to look at you like the zombies look at humans on the walking dead. I want to resist the urge to throw my water bottle and phone at them with a ‘ah! This is too hard!’

But it’s ok. Sam was there and because he looks like he belongs in a gym, I felt safe…secure. Like the gym zombies were not going to come after me should I make a wrong move.

But I now have a sore back. Because I did back yesterday. I have a weak lower back and I’m crying a little inside about that right now.

So I was reading back through my blog (I only read 2015 because anything before that is just plain embarrassing… have a read if you want a laugh), and I realised a year a go today (cheers Facebook!) I was planning my overseas trip, my cat buttons had to be put down, one of my horses I sold had to be put down, I lost my cat Snuggie, and I sold my foal.

The point of mentioning that is I wrote a big post about ‘letting go’ this time last year. I was going to write a big spiel about how ‘I’ve come so far with letting go’ because I can deal with someone else riding my horse and be happy about it (a year ago only two people had ridden her during the six years I had owned her, and that was one ride each… so…)

By letting go I mean letting go of control. So, you see, pretty much, with my brain being super tired I’m not going to attempt to write a big long, super inspirational blog about it because in all honestly, I’m still terrible at it.

Two years ago, and it was well documented on here, I had what I would call the start of a breakdown. It wasn’t terrible, most people weren’t super aware of it. Just I had this over whelming urge to escape. A lot of that came because everything felt ‘out of my control’. I was a mess; sobbing each night to friends and family about how I ‘just couldn’t do it anymore’.

In hindsight, now I’m studying counselling, I probably should have seen a counsellor. But ya know, dropping everything and going around the world works too.

Here’s the thing though… it felt out of my control and it WAS out of my control. There was a fairly good list of crappy things that just weren’t going well and the things that were going well I didn’t feel equipped to manage. I needed to leave and it turned out to be the best thing for me. But I think it’s taught me a very valuable snippet of knowledge: it’s all out of your control.

In my study I recently learnt about flow…if people have challenges they can rise to and they feel equipped or able to do so, they achieve flow (it’s a good state of mind is what I’ve gathered). If the challenge is too much for the persons perceived ability to handle it, or if the challenge is not enough, that is when you get someone who is unproductive/frustrated or stressed. (I mainly added this in here so I can prove to myself I’m learning stuff and actually start remembering it…forgive me if it’s only 90% accurate)

Dad always says (kind of, the follow quote I actually found on a quote site thingy): “Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it”.

It is true. I will accept that. But it’s damn hard! It’s hard to be happy and positive when, while I enjoy my job, I don’t feel like it’s as challenging as it could be, where I feel study is too challenging and it’s damn scary! It’s easy to fall into the mindset of ‘panic, I’m stressed!’ I am not at all achieving flow in any areas of my life. Currently I’m studying motivation and emotion for my final exam, so I’ll bore you all with that next blog.

I am, at the moment, constantly in a battle with my mind of ‘it’s ok, you are capable’ and ‘take a moment to breathe, now start from the beginning’ and ‘I WANNA MAKE IT ALL STOP. I QUIT BEING A GROWN UP!’ The last part is usually said (silently so people think I’m kind of normal) in my head with the picture of me throwing a tantrum on the ground.

It takes a great amount of determination to remind myself day in, day out that I need to a) be patient and wait until the doors start to open..quit trying to pound them down and b) appreciate life being momentarily slower than usual and c) do as much with what I have right now and d) I will get my chance to make a change and a difference, I’m just in a growth phase.

That all might sound cheesy, but it’s true. Some moments are ‘go moments’ and some are ‘whoa moments’. There are times I am riding my horse and we focus on the boring stuff: learning how to listen, how to relax, how to work correctly. Then there are the moments we throw it all out the window and go as fast as we can…but I always know in those moments I’ve put the work in to learn, so when I need an automatic and immediate response to a problem while going a million miles an hour…I have it. There are also the moments, like in the jumping ring, where it’s a combination of give it your all, but use the lessons every step of the way and the more you know, the more you achieve.

Right now I’m in a whoa moment. It’s not the time to be going as fast as I can taking in everything around the world, testing my responses. It’s the time to focus and learn and listen…and wait. There will be another go moment.

And I need to remind myself of that.

 

 

 

 

#atleastIhavemywine #Ishouldprobablybloglessaboutwine #andstopusinghashtags

Ok so I know I’ve been really slack with my blog posting…but there is a reason. I think. Well, it’s an excuse. Despite what it may seem like (while you’re all sitting there cringing while reading about my life) I’m really crappy at talking about how I feel. I’m quite good at getting other people to talk about how they do, and I’m good at talking enough about mine to cover up the fact I’m not really saying or admitting anything. To be fair, it was something I’d never really noticed before I met Sam. I knew I liked to keep stuff to myself, but I never realised how MUCH stuff I liked to keep to myself.

Pretty much the more I like someone, the less I can tell them. AND IT’S REALLY DRIVING ME NUTS. And preventing me from blogging honestly, which really then means blogging at all is pointless.

(I’ve decided to capitalize random things in this post…and also put random editing notes in brackets through it to stop me from editing the actual content)

After a breakup I tend to reflect on all the things I could have done better. I don’t mean I sit there blaming myself, I just like to improve on things. I don’t think anyone is ever a complete person; we’re always growing. So it makes sense to use every opportunity to improve things when you can.

So I know this is something I REALLY need to work on. Up until this point I’ve been drawn to people who like to open up quickly and easily. I often find people who are in need of someone to talk to; someone to trust. I think, because it makes it easier to hide behind how they feel and what they say… essentially it means I never have to ACTUALLY admit what I feel, we can just keep the focus on them until I slip under the radar and people forget to ask. It’s rather unhealthy. But it’s been my safety net, and I think it’s why I never completely fall in love. I never let my walls down completely. It’s a personality thing.

Now I’m in this part of my life where I am growing up and if I want the kind of relationships that come with that; ones that will last and are built on decent foundations, I’m going to have to get over it and learn how to be a grown up with how I process feelings.

I don’t mind if people keep some things to themselves, I don’t get upset about someone’s feelings not matching mine, I don’t get clingy or jealous easily… but that also comes obviously with negatives too, and that is the inability to completely fall for someone or let my guard down. I filter everything I say. It’s a good and a bad thing. I’ve always needed to filter who I am for people to be ok with me.

And I’m not keen to keep living like that.

So I grew some balls and had a decent chat to Sam last night and I’m really glad I did. Because I’m learning, it’s baby steps, but I’m learning to stop holding on for dear life to the cliff top and just enjoy the fall. I think everyone needs to learn how to do that at some point in their life.

I’d never really even done that with myself or with my life until I went travelling.

While watching the sunrise over Angkor Wat, while standing on the top of a mountain in the Austrian Alps, while walking along the lantern lit river in Hoi An at night, I learnt to fall in love with life and appreciate it for all it’s quirks and charms and ups and downs.

While I was crying in my hotel room in Africa because I was struggling to process how different my life was from people there, while I spent two weeks talking to no one in Austria, while I navigated a hospital alone, as I figured out how to walk the streets of Cambodia and catch a tuktuk on my own, when I trusted strangers, while I sat on the pavement in Vietnam eating local food…I learnt to love who I was with no filter.

(I also learnt I have a problem with how much I love coffee and red wine)

I realised who I was; an incredible person, a resilient person, someone who cared deeply about the world, someone who could do incredible things, someone who was not limited by others. But I also realised, the more I learnt to love myself, just how little I let other people love me…who I really am.

The person I am at 2am when I’m still awake worrying about the next day, when I’m jumping up and down with excitement over the stupidest things, when I’m in my ‘bliss zone’ grocery shopping, while I ignore them as I write another book that I’ll probably never finish, when I’m doing the hobbies I love, the way I look at the sunset or the sunrise, the strange thoughts that float around my mind on a long car ride, the big and wild dreams I decide I’m going to embark on because why the hell not? I’m a why not person. I live my life taking on everything unless you can give me a bloody good reason not to. It means I do some really stupid things sometimes, but it also means I go and will go incredible places and do big things. I want that for my life. Even if they’re little big things. I want life to be bigger and unlimited by what I might be afraid of. And ultimately I want someone beside me who feels the same way, who wants to push me to do that, who does not ‘tolerate’ my personality but rather brings the positives and helps me overcome the negatives. I need someone to constantly challenge me to be a better person, but feel safe enough that they’re going to love me even when I’m a really crappy person.

(And when I listen to the same song on repeat 6 million times before I get sick of it.)

I’m happy alone, I just have to learn now how to not only be happy alone but with someone and realise it’s not a bad thing to love people. It’s not a bad thing to fall in love.

It’s ok to be out of control and just see what happens.

Ok so I think my problem with my inability to write blogs comes from this new thing I’ve started doing called ‘editing’. Did any of you realise how much pointless crap I waffle on about on here? I’m sure one day my children will discover the dark archives of my blog and will forever use it as a valid defense in any argument.

*cries into glass of wine and remembers once again why reproducing might be a bad idea*

Anyway! Pretty much what I’m trying to say… is I’m bloody brilliant and I’m fantastically happy and life is moving in this slightly dream like direction… sometimes I’m not quite sure how to handle that because it’s been a little while since I’ve felt this satisfied. Actually, I don’t think I’ve felt quite like this about my life before.

(I’m a perfectionist and I’m not good at this ‘accepting my flaws and realising life can be perfect without being perfect’ thing)

It’s baby steps, I’m learning lots of stuff. I’m enjoying sunsets and sunrises. I have an amazing person by my side and I’m going to miss my bestie like crazy when she moves soon, and I’ll probably cry, but I’m also so damn glad life is moving on for us all in the best possible way.

And it’s Friday.

And I’m visiting a friend tonight and we’re going to have a night out!

Both of those things make me incredibly happy.

#Illalwayshavewinetocuddleifitturnstoshit

 

Deep breaths and take 10

It takes a while to stop running. It’s like braking a car on ice, the faster you’ve been travelling the longer it’s going to take you to stop. Me, I’ve been travelling my whole life at 100 miles per hour. I never stop. The last time I took ‘time out’ and went on a holiday was when I was about 10, with the family to a place called Dunk Island off the coast of Australia. I’m nearly 22 and it occurred to me just before I booked my tickets, that I don’t stop.

I’ve always been told to ‘slow down’ by every health professional under the sun, but the older I get the clearer the picture of ‘slowing down’ becomes. I would always take time out for me, perhaps a cup of tea and a good TV show, perhaps a run or a bit of yoga, but life never actually stopped.

By stop I don’t mean take yourself away from it all and do nothing, I mean stop doing what has become the norm.

At 16 I decided I was leaving school to study journalism and I did just that. I spent the first six months of study having fun and letting loose before I met Alex and I calmed down a tad. Second year was more demanding work wise with study and I began to increase my competitiveness with horse riding. Plus travelling each weekend to see Alex meant life was about doing a series of events which I had titled ‘life’.

In my third year I was juggling full time competition on my horse, completing four internships, finishing a degree and a diploma, and seeing Alex on weekends. I finished study and three weeks later was in a job. And I worked but butt off in that job, because I loved it.

But I never stopped.

And it was a terrifying thought at 21 to realise I’d spent my whole life completing a series of events which I would one day call my life.

So here I am, unemployed, sitting on a balcony in Cambodia, and breathing. My speeding car is slowing down on the ice.

It’s not a holiday from life, it’s a change in my life. It’s me finally saying ‘I want to be happy and I don’t want to be running’. Just because I loved my job and I love competitions, it didn’t mean they were good for me. And it didn’t mean they made me happy. And that’s a really hard concept to get my head around sometimes.

When I first arrived here I had this deep feeling of unrest, like I was unable to pause and not plan. I had this unbelievable desire to find security in things like stress. I like to be busy so I do not have to challenge my way of thinking or being.

Now I am starting to just relax and actually enjoy not having a to do list that takes over my life, I can just stop and take life in.

Change is just as good as a break.

Only just the beginning

This past year has been a road of self discovery. Now I don’t want to just jump in straight off the bat and get all deep and what not, but I’m like an onion, and this onion needs to share some layers.

Most of my ‘issues’ have been masked by my thyroid problem. And it’s a problem…but you can’t really use that as an excuse for everything.

So this year I started to dig up old things from the past. Perhaps because things are getting serious with Alex, or perhaps because I’m just at that stage in my life where I’m ready to face things and move on…but either way, there were more skeletons waiting in my closet that I realised.

For example, after being able to see, talk to, yell at, and move on from my first ever ‘love’ and find out that I wasn’t a crazy girl friend and he really was cheating on me, and get some sort of apology, I discovered where my sudden bursts of inability to commit came from.

I was terrified of committing. I would try to self destruct in every way possible. I would project all these things onto Alex and then shut down…and I had no idea why I was doing it. But, when those memories were triggered from all those years ago I suddenly realised just who I’d been angry at all this time.

But the biggest thing I have discovered recently is my fear of expectation and responsibility. It’s a bit funny really, because part of me loves that. I’m constantly putting myself in a position of responsibility, then freaking out and running. I’m still figuring out exactly where that comes from, but I have been working through it.

My biggest fear is marriage, no I’m no announcing anything, sorry.

I’ve been with Alex nearly four years now, so it’s expected it’s a conversation that comes up every now and then. Of course, there is the ‘when are you moving in together’ from other people, which is fine, that’s also expected, but it starts to bring back those fears of expectation and of responsibility.

Living with my little sister has been a trigger for it too, I love her to pieces and she’s been the best flatmate, but I’m her big sister, so naturally I’m the go to. And I love that. But part of me was also scared, perhaps scared of not knowing the right answers?

Because I don’t, I struggle to make up enough stuff to get through my own life.

Then there’s a reasonably pressured job, where my heart takes a dramatic dive when I get something wrong, and I shouldn’t get things wrong. So I live in constant fear that I have, because I don’t want to be wrong. I have this perfectionist side to me and I beat myself up over every little mistake for quite some time.

And having a baby horse, they’re actually a lot of work you know.

I found I was living in this bubble of ‘I’m not ready for this’ and ‘I’m going to screw it up’.

For me, deciding to travel is a way for me to step out of my bubble. Not run away, but get a new perspective. It’s giving me a chance to actually rely on myself so I know others can rely on me. It’s giving me a chance to grow with no one else needing me for a while…because I’ve never given myself that. I’ve never stepped out of my life and just figure out exactly what I like about me. And I need to know those things, I need to understand what it is that makes me so great, so I know what other people see.

Everyone needs that.

It’s scary. Life is really scary. But I think I’ve started to work through some of my skeletons and start throwing them out for good. I still freak out at the smallest commitments and I will be forever afraid to give the wrong advice, but I think I’m learning to be ready for what’s to come in life.

And I’m started to get excited for it. For my future, for our future. For all of it.

It’s only just the beginning.

I’ma run away now

Being an adult is hard. There are times when my brain screams: WINE but my heart (and stomach) scream chocolate milk (the kind I can drink). Aside from the usual bills and unsuspecting things that need paying for when you really don’t want to pay for them, I’m learning there is more to this finance game. The first point of learning is credit cards.

I’ve had one for roughly three months now. It’s my saving grace and my monster under my bed. That little puppy clocked up nearly my limit after a series of ’emergency’ spends. They were legitimate…birthdays, my desperate need for a massage, the fact the food in my cupboard disappears as quickly as my butt gets bigger (and that’s a decent amount lately). It’s not easy you know keeping track of how many times I insert that card into machines…

Anyway. I’ve got the spending aspect of it reasonably under control and I’ve paid off most of the debt. But now comes the burning question: is the card I’ve got really the right one? I mean, I’m planning an overseas holiday. A big one. One that involves lots of flying. So perhaps an airpoints card would be the way to go? I’m thinking yes.

But then there are so many guidelines and hidden things that I just can’t get my head around. I’ve gone ahead and applied for one anyway, I mean, I might as well?

My next big thing with adulting and travelling is how to actually book a trip. I mean, most people would probably find this easy. But when you’re escaping for nearly four months of your life to a country you know little about, then flying, bussing, training, and possibly boating to several more in that time…it gets a little daunting. This is why we have travel agents. But then which one do you chose? Do you just rock up and lay it all out there like ‘plan my trip for me kind servant’ or do you ask for a quote in the most polite way possible and agree meekly to whatever they offer?

It’s scary.

Adulting is scary.

I’ve got grocery shopping, which includes death stares to small children in my way or who are misbehaving and top notch trolly dodging and grocery snatching, down pat. I’ve got paying my bills on time sorted, well by this I mean I can pay them all within two months depending on the penalty for late ones…rent, power always on time. I’ve even managed to master the art of call centres and saying no to telemarketers or those people who turn up at the door for money.

I can get to bed on time (most nights) and I change my sheets once a week and do the washing twice. My car is even full of petrol most weeks.

See, I’d say I’m mastering it.

Yet for some reason, I still feel rather unable to swim in a very deep ocean called ‘growing up’. What steps to take next in life? When do you move up in a job? When do you want more money? When do you take up new hobbies? When do you decide your work pants are too worn out and you need new ones? How on earth do you plan a trip? At what stage in life am I meant to be ‘moving forward’?

There are always these impossibly big questions.

Life never stops. Well, it does, but by then it’s a bit late.

People are getting married, having babies, are on their way to their dream career. Me, well, I’m still looking at online flights wondering if I should just board the next one and get the hell out before I really do grow up.

Just kidding. Kinda.

Adulting

I think I’m starting to get the hang of this adult thing. Kinda. I’ve managed to pay the last three months of bills on time, I haven’t left the oven on accidentally for nearly six months, and I am can make chutney without a recipe, and my credit card is threatening to eat me…and destroy my soul.

I feel like to make it into adulthood, one must bear the burden of a credit card. They’re really great things, until they’re not. Unfortunately my bills have been a bit out of hand lately, I suppose that’s what happens when you have two horses, don’t eat gluten, and live in a nice house in a suburb where no one gets murdered.

But hey, I’m learning to cope really well on $50 groceries over two weeks (thanks to raiding my sisters food on the odd occasion), and our power bill has been surprisingly forgiving. The problem I’ve found though, is keeping myself from getting sick without paying a small fortune (seriously, I’m sure I could have bought a house by now with what I’ve spent on health products over the years).

Some are worth it, others…well not so much. My sister is an early childhood teacher so brings home a variety of bugs for my immune system to ward off, that and working in an air conditioned office where bugs seem to wait until you are at your weakest moment, it’s been a battle. I managed to avoid most bugs last year but this year, finding the right balance of health stuff isn’t easy.

Finding something that is cheap, has vitamins for skin, hair, immune, and stress support and doesn’t contain iodine is similar to trying to convince my the elderly lady who won bingo is a good news story. It just isn’t going to happen.

But then it did! At least I hope I did. If I fall off the face of the earth…you’ll all know it didn’t.

So where is life at currently? I’ve mastered the art of chutney making, kinda. It’s only one kind of chutney and stemmed from having too many tomatoes (those little buggers just wouldn’t stop growing this year!) After last year’s disaster where I had to try to bring back my cherry tomato plants from near death, I planted six big tomato plants (don’t ask me what kind, I’m not that domesticated yet) and two cherry tomato plants. Let’s just say I could have filled the freezer three times over. I’m not even exaggerating…ok maybe a little bit.

I’ve been rather slack at blogging lately but, I suppose in a good way, there is very little to report. Other than my horse getting shoes on tonight (so I can start proper riding again!) and finally getting an ok passport photo taken…oooo, and sitting on an exercise ball at work is FANTASTIC for the abs I have found out.

Anyway, I hope you’re all well and life is ticking along beautifully! Here’s a song I love right now 🙂

I don’t want to be an adult anymore

I don’t think my problem is stress, I think my problem is adulthood. This is a particularly hard problem to solve, being I can’t really avoid growing up. As much as I’d love to try.

I’m pretty sure mum and dad don’t really want me back at their place, sitting on the couch, eating all their food, for the rest of my life…so here’s the problem.

When you become an adult you have to be this thing called ‘organised’. The dishes have to be done, the washing needs to be washed, the bills have to be paid on time, shop for food, manage savings, make food, get to work on time, make it to appointments, then there are the ‘other’ things in life.

You know those days where you got up, went outside to play and imagine? Take me back to that! Now I think I might get a few weird looks if I start building huts in the middle of a council reserve…

I love my relationship, but you get to the age where it’s like, “Where to next?” “How can we make this work when we live totally different lives?” “Where is the line in compromise?”

There are work and career goals, what do I want? Where do I want to go? How do I get there? And I have to do my job well and get things right and remember things and make sure I human properly everyday.

People are getting married…what do I even do as a bridesmaid?!

Then I get to my grocery list…by then I’m just walking through the supermarket dragging the products I know off the shelves and staring blankly at the checkout lady.

It’s like 21 hits and suddenly you have to be a responsible adult and make all these decisions…and I don’t know if I’m ok with that. I was never consulted before being launched into this madness that is the ‘real’ world!

So amongst all this I have decided it is time to go back to the doctor for a “tell me what is actually going to happen to me now I have my symptoms under control”. Now I am older, have done my research, and am not taking any s*** from doctors who think I have no idea about my own body. That, and I have done so much googling, google has actually run out of answers to give me. So I figured I should probably consult a doctor…fingers crossed I can find one who listens to me.

I’m being a grown up…and it’s just a bit tricky.

No wonder I am developing frown lines!

I’m no longer going to adult anymore

Lately things haven’t been going exactly to plan. Well, it’s not that I really have a plan, so they can’t really not be going to plan, but I had ideas of how life would look by the time I turned 21. For the most part, I think life’s pretty much on track. Good boyfriend, check, place to live and call home, check, hobbies, check, full time job in a field I studied for, check. Yep, pretty much on the right path.

But this is the thing I’ve learnt about life so far, it never really feels the way you think it’s going to, and it always looks different when you live it.

By now, I thought I would have sold my horse. I mentally prepared myself for that…and it does drive me mental I haven’t while everyone else is busy selling theirs. Jealousy never has looked good on me. I thought I would have a list a mile long of places I wanted to travel to. I have a list of about five places, all of which cost too much. I have also learnt, stress never stops, but money always has a way of doing so. Whether it be the money that is stopping, or the fact the lack of money to start with is what is stopping you in the first place, it’s hard to say. I could just stop acquiring horses…that might also help the money thing.

But this is life and it’s about time I made friends with the pretty awesome one I have (this part is not sarcastic).

While I’m feeling guilty about being stuck in a rut of my fantastic life, I tend to want to stop being an adult all together.

It does have its perks though. I don’t have to cook. There is this amazing thing called a blender and you just put yum things in it and taadaaaaa, dinner. Parking fines can be paid a month after they’re due before you get into trouble. But don’t do that in the work car, then you get in trouble well before that. On payday, you feel like the richest person on earth. Until you pay rent, and for the hobbies, and the food, and the power…

Life is pretty good as an adult, apart from the decision making process.

Sometimes, in the middle of stores where I have to make large purchases, I feel like the sales people are plotting my doom with all their questions. Really, they’re just doing a good job and I probably am responsible for several peoples commissions. Don’t even get me started on those self check out things at the supermarkets. They were built to destroy my soul.

Sometimes, I just can’t human properly.

I also make up words still, I’m not sure if that’s ok as an adult?

There is nothing particularly bad about being an adult. It’s just this kind of overwhelming feeling that this, is your life, and no matter how good or bad it is, you have to live with it. That scares me.

That scares me a lot.