Another bump in the road

This past week has really not been my week. In the long run I may very well look back and think ‘man, I’m glad that went that way’…but I can tell you right now, it does not feel the slightest bit pleasant.

I wrote a blog a little while ago about living outside your comfort zone, because that’s where you grow. Things happen there.

Well I’m pleased to report: I no longer have a comfort zone.

On Friday I was told I am going to be made redundant.

I’m sure it’ll all be fine. And very well meaning and kind people tell me that. But I can assure you, facing being jobless really freaking sucks.

If anything these last few weeks (and years) have taught me: it does not matter how well you play your cards in life, it does not matter how ‘well’ you do things…at any given moment it can really just all go wrong…and keep going wrong.

And you have zero control over that.

But I’m lucky. I live at home. I have very few big costs each month at the moment and I work more than one job so I still have some money coming in!

The thing though about so many things just not really going to plan is you learn to live well outside your comfort zone.

I’ve applied for jobs I was too afraid to apply for before. I’ll be calling a few people tomorrow I’d never have even thought to call…I have nothing to lose again. Sometimes, that’s a space of mind that tends to work in ones favour.

I’ve learnt to appreciate the little moments in life now; the smiles at a coffee shop from a barista, a stranger holding a door, a message from a friend, a long hug, or a beautiful day on the mountain.

I took today (Monday) off. I’d planned about two weeks ago to take it off…but the timing worked rather perfectly. Sometimes time outside, doing something you love doing for no other reason than because you want to do it, is great therapy.

People do not spend nearly enough time doing the things that make them truly happy.

I know it will be ok.

I have always been able to pick myself up and carry on. But I’ve learnt to allow myself moments to just be not so okay with it all.

It’s been a rough few weeks. And that’s ok.

It is truly okay to not be okay at the end of that. It is okay to want to scream and cry and hide from the world at times.

What matters is that you get back up eventually. That you don’t let other people’s decisions keep you from making your life what you want it to be.

Right now, in this moment, I can honestly tell you I’m at a pretty big loss as to how I’m moving forward from here. My confidence is pretty knocked around and my endurance is definitely feeling a little lacking. Because that’s a normal reaction to a consistent series of crappy things.

 

Crappy things happen…and this is just another one.

I will be just fine. I will move forward. I’ve enjoyed red wine all weekend and hot chocolate tonight. Tomorrow I’ll hit the gym and send out more CV’s.

One step at a time…even if they’re only small, it still means I’m moving.

 

Little bit of happy for the day

Happy place

I quite often read through HONY (Humans Of New York, visit the FB page if you haven’t already!). I came across one the other day, a picture of what I assume is a homeless woman, her quote above the picture is: “My biggest goal is to be completely normal. I want to wake up in a bed every morning, take a shower, drink a cup of coffee, eat breakfast, and read the paper.”

It made me stop and think. My normal, what I complain about having to do every day, is someone else’s dream.

I appreciate my life, it’s great, and I am very blessed. But I don’t often actually stop and think to myself ‘I’m living a dream, and I love it’.

There is so much joy to be found in such little things, listening to music in the morning, putting on makeup, getting out of good bed in a warm house, going through my exercise routines, making lunch, making breakfast, getting dressed, getting out the door and turning up to a job I enjoy. I can walk across the road in my heals and breathe in fresh air. There are so many things we just go about in life without actually stopping to enjoy them.

I get caught up in finding my next adventure, I forget to actually enjoy life as it is, right now.

My health finally seems to be at a point where I don’t lose weight easily. This might seem like a weird thing to be excited about, but I can exercise. I can exercise and exercise and I can run and I can walk up hills…and the weight falls off slowly. I have to work for it, and I don’t have to panic that I’m losing too much. I get to look healthy, not like a skeleton. I get to be normal.

And I am so freaking excited about that
.
Now here are some cool quotes to start your day! (or finish it)

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”
J.K. Rowling

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
J.K. Rowling

“I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized, and I still had a daughter who I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
J. K. Rowling

Happy New Year

It’s really hot here. Like, I am sitting with my fan less than 30 cm from my face, I have every window and door open in the house, and I have used a scarf as a skirt because all my other clothing sticks to me.

Welcome to summer.
Welcome, to to 2015.

So I took a little break there, I resisted all urges to write since the start of my holiday, I turned off my phone for eight days, and I have resisted the urge to rewrite a badly written book I read, and finished reading because I had nothing else to do while sunbathing.

I have managed to sunburn my skin to the point I don’t know if it will recover (damn you New Zealand sun) and I have cuts up my arms and down my legs that make me look as though I was in a fight with a cat…or two, possible a whole bunch actually. (I helped pick up hay bales, and I didn’t listen when they said wear long pants)

This year was meant to be all about ‘new beginnings’ ‘being happy’ ‘relaxing’ ‘having a life’.

Then I realised I live in the real world so instead of doing the whole ‘New Year resolution’ thing, I thought I would take a slightly different approach.

I do a lot of interviewing, as you all know, but I rarely talk about myself to new people. To the people I know, I probably talk far too much and please forgive me for that, but it’s not probably going to change.

Anyway, when I have someone ask me questions about myself I panic. I’m not sure why, but I think, from my incredibly in-depth 2 minutes of thinking about it since starting this blog, I just don’t really know who I am.

Oh yes I know… I’m one of ‘those’ people. I do know who I am, just not in a detailed kind of way.

Questions like ‘what’s your favourite food’ freak me out. I DON’T EVEN KNOW MAN! I feel like I should say pizza or pasta or ice cream, you know, something normal. BUT I CAN’T EAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS AND I DON’T REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT HALF HOUR EXPLAINING TO SOMEONE ALL MY COMPLICATED HEALTH ISSUES! I could say ‘salad’ or ‘fruit’ which are actually really yummy because I’m a badass food maker, but then you get this look that people give you when you’re thin and like healthy food. And I’m not often in the mood for that look, and I fear I may inflict bodily harm on someone if I see that look on their face when I’ve already dealt with a grumpy lady on the phone because ‘SHE’S NOT GETTING THE PAPER IN HER LETTER BOX EVERY WEEK!’

You see what I mean?

I’m either a ‘you’re going to know EVERYTHING about me, or nothing.’ Normally, for the sake of those talking to me, I stick with the nothing. They have no idea how lucky they are when they walk away.

Anyway, this whole thought process got me thinking about how I would describe myself if I could just open my mouth and speak without scaring, permanently damaging someone emotionally, or walking away knowing they think I’m a total weirdo.

Because you’re all reading this from your computer and nowhere near me…I’m going to lay it all out there.

This, is how I would describe myself:

I’m bad with computers. I really don’t like using my phone for anything other than FB and calls. I’m bad at replying to texts, I hate people asking questions I don’t know the answers to. I want to run away at some point to a surprising country for a few months because I refuse to live a cliche life. I and pig headed, kind hearted, tolerant until I’m not. I hate pigs and monkeys. I really don’t like summer because it’s hot and sticky. I don’t like the middle of winter because my hands don’t work properly. I have a tendency to be positive and negative all at the same time. I’m very pessimistic until I’m ridiculously optimistic. I often come up with strange ideas and have a complete satisfaction with my life the way it is right now. I like to horde things and sell things. When I say I have no money I do have money, I just no intention of spending that money. I own mainly high heals, I have one pair of flat shoes I wear on weekends, all other flat shoes are riding boots or gumboots. I still don’t live with my boyfriend after three years and that’s my choice and our decision, I struggle with children, when I say I’m busy after work…I normally mean I have a date with food and a TV show while tucked up in bed at 7pm. Still have no idea what I want to do with my life though I do have many options, I also ride horses…(this is where they look at me with either a ‘oh that’s sweet’ or a ‘you’re crazy aren’t you’ look, for the brave ones they give me a ‘that’s not really a sport’ look).

Nothing overly different. But for some reason, I struggle ‘letting people in’.

No, my aim for this year is not to ‘improve’ this or ‘work harder to make more friends’.

It’s this: Be unapologetically me. Do as many exciting things as I can while also being satisfied with spending five nights a week doing nothing but sitting in bed with food. Listen to my gut. And most of all, don’t just survive this year, but live it. See an opportunity, and take it.

Last year was one of the most challenging of my life. I won’t go back over it because most of you would have read through it with me. I’m content now, I am really happy with where I am right now. I didn’t realise that until I sat down to write this blog. Satisfaction to me is happiness. It is a deep sense of peace that right now, it’s all good. Last year taught me I can endure far more than I thought I could, I’m stronger, wiser, more compassionate now. But I’m also better at knowing when it’s time to put my foot down and doing just that.

So here is to a great year ahead, as hard as it may be or as challenging as it gets, it’s all another step in the direction my life is heading in (not entirely sure which direction that is, but at least we’re heading somewhere).

Happy New Year everyone!

My partner isn’t my only best friend

I’m not quite sure how to talk about this topic. To be quite honest, I would not be suprised if I balls it up completely. But I’m going to give it a shot anyway because, well, I think some of these things need to be said. 

As you are well aware, my emotions have been pretty all over the show lately. Happy, sad, struggling, lonely, overwhelmed would be a pretty good way to describe my state, that and a little bit of crazy. Lately I’ve been making some really awesome friends, but there is one in particular that I have grown really close to. 

The topic of whether guys and girls can ‘just’ be ‘friends’ is always one that people are divided on. To be completely honest, I think it does make things harder, but it also has many benefits. The problem seems to be more when one person has a partner, or both. 

It is incredible how many people think once you have a partner, there should be no other connections with the opposite sex. Be to perfectly honest I really do think this is a way of thinking that messes with peoples minds. 

Since I was very young I have always had best friends that were guys, plenty of amazing girl friends too, but I found it easier to create those connections with guys. 

Society seems to put things in a box, tie a pretty little bow on it and present it to you in such a way that it is easy to just go, ok, so this is what life is. 

But tonight I suddenly realised what was bothering me so damn much. I do not fit in a box, nor have I ever, and I wont. I do not think the human brain was designed to only ever have ‘one’ connection with someone. We need those connections, opposite sex or not, to keep our brains working, and learning, and excited. We want to be more than what we are, and we need that. 

I am allowed to feel close to someone as a friend even with a partner.

This is an incredibly freeing statement. Life does not stop with the person we date or marry. It does not mean we love them any less or are ‘wandering’ or wanting out. It doesn’t make you any less committed. It just means you have a desire to love, and discover so many different types of love. 

I am very tired of expecting this manufactured life, I deserve so much more. I want to love many people, I want to see many things, feel many things, I want to experience and take in everything life has to offer. And I do not mean this in a ‘be free do whatever or whoever whenever you want’. I mean in a find your place, learn your boundaries, discover the world and the people in it. That should not take away from your relationship. That significant other should always, at the end of the day, be the one person you depend on in whole other way, and love in a way that cannot be explained, and want to spend the rest of your life with.

But that should not limit you. 

Anyway, enough of my ramble.

Here is a link that inspired this post in the first place: http://thoughtcatalog.com/chelsea-fagan/2014/04/21-reasons-why-a-relationship-can-never-replace-your-best-friend/

Season greetings and wonderful blessings.

I feel sick with happiness. I do not know how that is possible, but I feel it. It has been a long, hard and tiresome year with some incredible ups and some very low lows. But now, here, in the real world with a real degree and with a real job and my own car that I paid for and soon my own horse that I paid for living with people I am getting to know on my own, it feels pretty good. I still can not shake the “but I’m a student!” excuse that pops out of my mouth when someone thinks I’m being cheap. I simply can not bring myself to buy something full price, even if it is a good price and a good product. Something inside me screams “you don’t need to pay $200 for a pair of shoes!” So I haven’t. I feel as though there is almost something wrong with me? 

Perhaps I have just not gotten used to the real world. It has not fully sunken in that this, what I am living right now, is not a dream, it is not a holiday or and internship or temporary, this, is my life. 

It feels like someone else’s life that I have just borrowed for a little while, just until I am ready to go back to my own one. I am so blessed and I simply do not know how to feel about it. I just want to go around yelling “I HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE AND GOD IS AMAZING!” I feel though, that I may be locked up pretty quickly, as my yelling would probably also entail jumping, leaping, and hugging random people. I would not blame someone for mistaking me as a mad woman. In all honest truth, I kind of am. 

Sometimes, the blessings are on their way. It doesn’t matter how tough or how abandoned you feel, there is always going to be a good spot, you just have to wait it out. I know, just as well as the next person does, that this won’t last forever, bad things will eventually happen. When they do, I will fall apart again, but it makes it so much easier to pick myself back up knowing that things do eventually work out. 

Because it is truly beautiful and wonderful moments that make you realise it is all worth it, just for that little incredible moment where you know, deep in your heart, that you are happy and you are loved. 

Christmas is on its way, I do love this season. 

Hard slogger

I got my first job. They called me last week but it has taken a little while to sink in. I’m not going to lie, this has been a hard year, and anyone who has been consistently reading my blog will probably agree it’s been up and down. But it has all been worth it. Every extra hour spent interning, which I did enjoy, was worth it. Even though they were great internships with amazing people, it still wasn’t home and it wasn’t relaxing on my sofa with my cat. But it was worth it. Hours of working for free were worth it. I did it. I have nearly been in tears several times lately in pure disbelief. 

I realised what it meant to feel relief. Total utter relief washed over me. I was like this weird kid who had stolen a joint the older brother had hidden in the couch. Vegged out took a whole new meaning this weekend. And I loved it. It has been not just been a tough year work wise. I’ve had to give up competing, my grandfather got cancer, my uncle has battled with a brain tumour, the effects of nana’s death were evident and the recession certainly left its mark in many ways. To finally get here, to this place, is overwhelming. I kinda get what it feels like when they yell move that bus in extreme home makeover and they see their new house for the first time. Completely overwhelming joy that it got better. 

I mean I still have to start the job and do well. But I got to this point so I can most definitely keep going. 

It’s weird how the human brain can deal with things. At the time, you just get through it step by step and you don’t stop or look back because you cannot. You have to just take it all in. Then you reach the other side and you get to take a look back at how far you came. And it is like, I just can not believe I just made it through that patch of alligators and black bears (not sure what they’re doing living together, in my mind, it worked). 

Life has managed to throw plenty my way, and in the process teach me enough to be so glad it didn’t really hold back. When you fall off the horse you don’t roll around in the dirt throwing a temper tantrum, you get back up, dust yourself off and you get-back-on. 

Phase two of life, here we come.