Catch my breath

I’ve been sitting in front of my computer, on my bed in Canada (family holiday), for over an hour now trying to put together my thoughts in sentences long enough to construct a blog. I could blame the concussion a few days ago, or I could blame this irritating case of writers block.

I tend to find I suffer from writers block when I have a bunch of thoughts but I don’t actually know what I want to say. So, on days like these (or weeks in this case) I sit down and listen to a whole heap of random songs I can relate to, I zone out of life, and I make myself write random things here.

I’ve reached a new phase of what I’ve come to call ‘post breakup’. I’m well past the break up and it’s now learning how to cope with all the changes in my personality. It’s almost like meeting a new person and getting to know all the strange quirks about them…but it’s me. I’m learning about all the strange quirks I never had before.

I’ve decided I want to get a tattoo. I’m not sure why that’s a defining point of change, but I’ve decided it is. That’s my moment. It’s the acceptance that I’m different; life is different, and it’s time to get used to that.

The other day I was talking to someone who said they had worked through issues in a marriage because they couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, that the person they were with was it and if they weren’t with them they wouldn’t be with anyone else. That’s exactly how I felt. In some ways it’s still how I feel. It’s not that I don’t want someone else, it’s that my mind is still getting used to that idea and it might take some time. But I’m a firm believer that things change, and when they do, you have to change your thinking. I’m damn excited about the people I’m meeting…and I pat myself on the back everyday that I can keep moving forward.

Lately I’ve met someone who has caught me off guard. People don’t do that. I’m rarely surprised by people. Actually, I can’t remember the last time someone new took my breath away. And it’s the first time I haven’t wanted to run, fast. It gives me hope. A kind of hope I’d actually completely forgotten about. It doesn’t mean I won’t run, I’m a fast runner, but it does mean that I’m learning. I am coming to terms with the fact life is going to be ok and there are people out there who will surprise me, excite me, inspire me, challenge me, and just make me smile about something completely ordinary. And it’s ok to care about someone…even if they hurt you. Caring is a really nice feeling.

I refuse to let past hurts control my life or control what I give to and see in people. If someone throws my trust back in my face, if they turn out to be nothing like I thought, who the hell cares? I’ve lived through worse. I never stop getting back up when I’ve been kicked down. And that’s not going to change. I refuse to be afraid of something incredible incase it’s something painful.

I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in my future, and that’s bothering me considerably at the moment, but this year is all about my life and what I want in it. For the first time I’m allowing myself space, I’m giving myself permission to make my life about what I want rather than what someone else wants from me. I have two exciting volunteer projects I’m really excited to throw myself into and I’m looking forward to figuring out and mastering my office/marketing job(s). I’m planning to explore my own country a little bit more, attend a bunch of festivals, get a tattoo or two, master surfing…and the list goes on.

It’s easy to lose focus on what’s actually important, now, and worry about the future. It’s something I need to write on a mirror and remind myself every single time I get up… that life is happening now. It will work out. Trust God and stop wasting energy.

That’s easier said than done.

But I will get there. And as afraid as I am about letting someone into a life I’ve finally managed to call my own, I know whoever I do let in is going to be someone pretty special. And if it’s just me this year, that’s cool too. I’m really, really ok with it.

There’s moments I want to burst into happy tears and give myself a high five. I’m learning; I’m recovering. Loving people doesn’t have to hurt and when it does, it’s still worth it.

I’m still worth something. I’m still loveable. I am still the amazing person I was, if anything I’m even better. I’m allowed to love myself.

While I’ve been over here in Canada I’ve missed my friends in a way I’ve never missed people, I’ve craved coffee dates and chats and nights out. Every time I see my sister snuggle with her fiancé it doesn’t make me crave that exact thing, it makes me crave the people I care about. That’s the first time in my entire life I’ve craved genuine company rather than wanting something someone else has.

It makes me smile every time I think about how many things I am blessed with and how certain I am, that no matter what changes and who moves and who I meet, I will always want quality people in my life, and in unlimited amounts.

I’m this strange mix of absolutely terrified, sad, excited, happy, and completely content.

So here’s to the next stage of getting back up, standing tall, moving forward, and living life.

Listen to this cool remix.

Peace out!

P.s Canada is amazing in every single way and I’m coming back here. Actually I think I’m going to live here.

#lifeisbloodybrilliant

 

 

 

Advertisements

One, two, three, run.

I woke up rather angry today. Like all days I wake up with the rage of a fire breathing dragon locked in a cave I went for a run, did some push ups and even some sit up for good measure, then some weird leg raise thingy the trainer at the gym taught me that makes my hamstrings burn with a similar pain to that of a bed of biting ants in Asia.

Life has stopped spiralling out of control. It’s like a tornado that rips through and then when it stops, you’re sort of left standing wondering where on earth you start the clean up. That’s me right now. Standing, wondering a) where I start and b) excited I get to put it back how I want it. So last week I picked a starting point. I’ve started part time work and even gave myself a cool sounding title. My car is still a mess, I still have another a few boxes to unpack and a car to vacuum, but it’s a start. I started. Today is the first day I’ve actually had alone. So far I’ve spent the last few weeks with close friends or family and while I have my little brother here still…I may have possibly over reacted to the dishwasher not being unstacked again and food all over the bench…again. Man I sound like a mother. Sigh. In spite of that I’m actually loving being able to get to know Josh (little brother). I left home when he was only 11, so now at 16 and a completely different person to me, it’s a lot of fun hanging out. Though he managed to kick my butt at the driving rage the other day…I however just don’t seem to have the same skill at killing golf balls.

Josh was talking to myself and Tom yesterday about growing up and the fact that Tom was top in his class at school. Then we all looked at each other and Josh just had this terrifying looking on face of ‘I really hope I don’t end up like you both in six years time’. Then we all laughed. Unemployed, broke, and single definitely doesn’t look so appealing from a 16 year olds point of view I guess. But hey, as I described it to him in some attempt to make life seem less depressing the older you get, life isn’t all about having everything you want or going the way you expect. It’s just about having fun and making the most of the cards you’re dealt and despite what I may think sometimes, I’ve been dealt some pretty great ones.

I, however, don’t like to take my own advice when it comes to the fact I still can’t horse ride and I’m incredibly bitter about that fact. Then I remind myself I was snowboarding in Austria and it doesn’t seem like such a bad decision after all. Because of it though, I have taken up running and can now make it to 1.8km without dying! Before all you runners start laughing, for those of us who consider running to be a form of optional torture, that’s a big deal. Last week I struggled with 1km alone and the plan is in 12 months time I will run 5 of those suckers like they were yesterdays news.

Thankfully I have Nikole to drag me up the Papamoa hills each week and plan wonderful mountain hikes so that goal is actually attainable. I’ve also made strange agreements like “I’ll run up this 1.7km hill that currently still kills me at a walk by the end of next year”. Mad. I am a mad woman. But my weight is great, I feel fantastic, I’m getting a terribly uneven tan, my tailbone only hurts 50 per cent of the day, and my horse is so fat I’m going to start leading her up hills with me when I run…who needs a dog! And I have a fantastic part time job that makes me feel like a real human again. Now it’s time to dust off that CV apply for a few more positions, keep my fitness training up, and see where life takes me!

So I still have my bad days, break ups aren’t nice and the feeling of betrayal, pain, anger, sadness, and the ‘what could I have done better’ doesn’t go away over night. It’s not something I blame on one person and I think part of me still can’t quite comprehend things are different after four years. But they are and life goes on. This beautiful, incredible life goes on and I want to be part of it.

I am part of it.