Honesty

I really need to stop having these 11.30pm sudden brainwaves for blogs, they are highly disruptive to my sleep patterns! Never the less, since I went to all the effort of reaching over and turing my computer back on I better follow through with my potentially tragic blog post.

I began this blog three years ago because I wanted to be honest. You know that kind of refreshing yet cringe worthy honest you don’t find many places now? Yep, I wanted to be that. And I feel like I did that almost too well at some points. But lately I’ve been really dropping the ball. There are several things I usually leave off the table when it comes to blogging: my relationship, my family, my job.

Mainly because: I still want to be in a relationship, I actually enjoy talking to my family, and it is also necessary to continue being employed. Ok so the last one is a little bit of an over exaggeration. But I thought it was about time I started sharing some of the tough parts I tend to just avoid on here…because they’re life. It’s all part of life. And what point is there in having an honest blog if I’m never honest?

Long distance relationships suck…really suck. We only live an hour apart so it’s actually not that long distance. But after nearly four years there are some things I’ve come to love and come to hate about it.

It’s easy to end up with no social life because you spend most weekends at their place, or yours if they actually make it that far (stab stab, I promised myself this would not be a bitch session), you find yourself acting like a control freak because you don’t want to see their friends during the little time you have with them, sometimes it’s kind of nice having separate lives and not having to speak to anyone in the evening, ‘moving in’ is not as simple as just shifting to their apartment – it’s actually a rather large decision and requires up rooting your entire life, going out for a lunch date feels weird, you get to make the most of time spent together, when things go bad they’re not just around the corner, but you have two of everything so your over night bag doesn’t need repacking every weekend.

So after a chat with my homeopath tonight it was established I have a personality which tends to attract the whole ‘responsibility thing’…I like to be organised, I’m fairly reliable if you don’t want to get somewhere on time, so generally speaking I’m quite good in a ‘motherly’ roll. The problem with that is the other side of my personality imagines disappearing with no waring when I feel large amounts of pressure to act consistently like a grown up.

After a fight with my boyfriend over what’s important in our lives, bloody rugby, and feeling like I constantly mother my sister and also feeling like I’m stuck on this treadmill going faster than I can run at work…I kind of feel like I want to crawl under the covers and never come out.

Because part of me also knows it’s my fault!

I am that ‘person’ for some people, and I try to be that person so that people need me, and it’s not just limited to people, I never let anyone else ride my horse for six years for crying out loud! I like to be needed. But I often forget I need to let myself just be me. And just enjoy being me.

This year was about being unapologetically me…and I think I lose sight of that often trying to be everyone else’s person. I get lost trying to keep up. But I can’t. I never could. Sometimes life just has really good little reminders for me.

I need to let go, I need to let people stand on their own two feet, I need to allow myself to be angry when I’m not ok with things, I need to find who and what I want to be as a journalist.

I need me more than anyone else right now…and I think I’m slowly getting there.

So here is to honesty, and more of it to come!

Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for crash landing.

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I’m no longer going to adult anymore

Lately things haven’t been going exactly to plan. Well, it’s not that I really have a plan, so they can’t really not be going to plan, but I had ideas of how life would look by the time I turned 21. For the most part, I think life’s pretty much on track. Good boyfriend, check, place to live and call home, check, hobbies, check, full time job in a field I studied for, check. Yep, pretty much on the right path.

But this is the thing I’ve learnt about life so far, it never really feels the way you think it’s going to, and it always looks different when you live it.

By now, I thought I would have sold my horse. I mentally prepared myself for that…and it does drive me mental I haven’t while everyone else is busy selling theirs. Jealousy never has looked good on me. I thought I would have a list a mile long of places I wanted to travel to. I have a list of about five places, all of which cost too much. I have also learnt, stress never stops, but money always has a way of doing so. Whether it be the money that is stopping, or the fact the lack of money to start with is what is stopping you in the first place, it’s hard to say. I could just stop acquiring horses…that might also help the money thing.

But this is life and it’s about time I made friends with the pretty awesome one I have (this part is not sarcastic).

While I’m feeling guilty about being stuck in a rut of my fantastic life, I tend to want to stop being an adult all together.

It does have its perks though. I don’t have to cook. There is this amazing thing called a blender and you just put yum things in it and taadaaaaa, dinner. Parking fines can be paid a month after they’re due before you get into trouble. But don’t do that in the work car, then you get in trouble well before that. On payday, you feel like the richest person on earth. Until you pay rent, and for the hobbies, and the food, and the power…

Life is pretty good as an adult, apart from the decision making process.

Sometimes, in the middle of stores where I have to make large purchases, I feel like the sales people are plotting my doom with all their questions. Really, they’re just doing a good job and I probably am responsible for several peoples commissions. Don’t even get me started on those self check out things at the supermarkets. They were built to destroy my soul.

Sometimes, I just can’t human properly.

I also make up words still, I’m not sure if that’s ok as an adult?

There is nothing particularly bad about being an adult. It’s just this kind of overwhelming feeling that this, is your life, and no matter how good or bad it is, you have to live with it. That scares me.

That scares me a lot.

Winne-the-Pooh and honest titbits

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with Granddad being sick. I have always been a ‘strong’ person. I’m not really sure what that means to be perfectly honest. How I perceive it is people lean on you, and you are always there. Always. But sometimes you crumble too, and it’s hard to find people to hold you up like you hold them. So anyway, I have a friend who I have become exceptionally close to lately, it is the kind of friendship that really is a one in a million. He is going through something similar, different, but similar. The thing about friends is when they’re hurting it’s hard not to hurt for them, and when you’re feeling the same way they are, it makes it even worse. 

So, what do I do in a situation like this? I look up Winne-the-Pooh quotes, because well, who doesn’t like a good Winnie-the-Pooh quote?

“You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

 

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”

 

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

 

“Some people talk to animals. Not many listen though. That’s the problem.”

 

“When you see someone putting on his Big Boots, you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen.”

 

“I did know once, only I’ve sort of forgotten.”

 

Talking to this friend lately has taught me a few things about myself. I am a constant surprise, even to myself. There are so many things that I say and I think wow, where did that come from? I wish I could remember that when I needed it most. I am many things, and I need very little, except to be understood. No matter how good life seems, there are still things that each person struggles with, every day. When you see that person smiling in the street, appreciate them, because you might not have any clue as to how hard it was for them to do that that morning. Be humble, treat others as you would have them treat you, but never let yourself love others more than yourself. In other words, do not be selfish and self-centred, but understand how to love yourself so you can love others in the fullest way possible. 

The thing that has I suppose been the biggest surprise to myself, is that it is not that I do not want to share things with people, it is simply I don’t have the words. Strange I know, but there are moments in everyones life that leave them speechless. Mine just happen more often than not, and almost always when it comes to the really honest feelings stuff. 

There is no better way to know yourself, than to look through someone else’s eyes. 

 

 

Well hello there welcome to my world.

The first post of a new blog- almost as good as the feeling of putting on your new pair of shoes for the first time- before the painful torture of breaking them in begins. Here I am once again wondering what on earth could be interesting enough to put on a web page, not unlike a bazillion other web pages out there, BUT, this time- I’m putting the honest truth.

Normally I am a very nice person, well actually I am a very nice person, whats in my head… not so much. Example:

What you see: Nodding my head *understanding comment*, nods head some more, agrees, adds tailored input.

In my head: Why the f*** are you thinking that?! I mean common really, I don’t get where you’re coming from, or well I do, but I don’t really give a flying trumpet because I’m trying to focus on that tiny bug crawling across your leg.

This blog, because I feel as though all others have not been successful, is, whats in my head- the world as I see it.

You are now entering into a world of complete ironic caos and I hope you indulge in it and franticly frolic in the mayhem I am about to unleash onto the world! Just kidding- just remember what you read is how I see the world, my world, on this page I am right because I damn well can be and it’s the only place I’m allowed to be so there!

Love you all really.