A walk up struggle street

It think it’s hard to be out of control of your life. There are decision, and then there are things that just sort of happen. And I do believe a lot of that is just the straw you drew. You know when you’re a kid and you had to pick the longest straw in order to get to make the decision? It didn’t matter how much you thought about it or even really your guess…it was simply down to luck. The rest of it, was just making the most of the straw you drew.

Right now my straw is the middle one.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed. I’m not stressed about how much I have on. I’m a busy person, I love that. I had a whole afternoon to myself and I spent it deciding on tattoos and flights to another country…and that’s why I should only have a limited amount of free time!

I’m stressed because of the things out of my control.

My thyroid results were good. I should be very happy with them. But they want to run extra tests. That’s fine, that’s normal. But I think there is never a point in which ‘we want to run extra tests to rule out cancer’ becomes an easy thing to digest. Not at 22. Not ever. Not when you know what that looks like in the long run. Not when you have for the past few years realised the same thing has been said to people who it has become a reality for. And it’s almost impossible to understand the uncontrollable concern that comes with living with a condition that can change so much of your life so quickly…and with very little warning.

I am completely at the mercy of what my body decided to do…

And that at times is incredibly difficult.

I think personally, I’ve come to terms with things like the idea that if it all goes wrong, I might not have a family. I’ve come to terms with many, many things to do with this condition. I’ve thought about quantity verse quality if it becomes a cancerous node. I’ve educated myself best I can and I’ve considered all options from best case to worst case scenario.

And you could say don’t worry until you need to…

But I think preparing yourself for every outcome is wise, because you never really do know.

For me it’s never about myself anymore. It’s about who I’m with, it’s about a future family, it’s about the other persons hopes and dreams for life. And the weight of that, when I have little control over the outcome, is terrifying.

 

In three months I will have no job.

I have absolutely no idea where I am headed next. I have so many ideas and dreams for life and zero idea how to make those happen in a short time frame.

I am terrified on so many different levels of life and the weight of that this week has definitely sunk well into my soul.

Perhaps I’m just a little bit worn down from several years of repetitive bad news. But it’s certainly made me appreciate the moments of sunshine.

There are these little moments, like when the day is sunny and I walk out of the office and it just fills my whole body with warmth. Or days when the sun is setting and I race down to the beach to catch the perfect photo and I feel my toes in the sand and the waves crashing and it just feels like home. Or the times on the mountain snowboarding when it’s just a beautiful day and I look down at how tiny it all seems from so high up. Or moments when I taste a really good coffee or a waiter is super helpful with food I can eat. Or times I just snuggle into my horse and breathe in that musty smell and I feel this little moment of utter peace. There are these moments in life I think I used to miss a lot of the time.

Before the dodgy teachers, before the broken relationships, before the health problems, before cancer got to people I love, before people died, before I missed out on sporting dreams…I don’t think I really understood how beautiful those moments were.

Sometimes I just sit somewhere in town and watch people walk past. Or I buy myself something as simple as a nice face wash. Those things remind me of the good parts, of the really nice parts.

It’s not all bad. And often the big scary things in life seem so big and so scary they take over those little moment of joy.

Jobless and cancer are two pretty scary concepts. And it’s about the only time I ever feel young and ill equipped…because I don’t know how to cope with those.

I’m sure it will work out. I’ll find a good job and the tests will come back as we expect; clear and providing certainty and hope.

But there is always, always in the back of my mind that little ‘well what if they don’t?’

And the worst part about is it is it’s not even just the product of an overactive mind coming up with things to worry about. They are real concerns and real possibilities.

That’s the scary part.

I want so much for life. I want to change so many things in other peoples lives. And I find standstill the most frustrating setting.

But like everything, it’s just a season. And seasons change. Each has it’s own negatives and its positives. I think, after awhile, you just kind of learn to accept that.

Even just learning to accept that sadness and hold on for the ride…that’s a pretty big lesson in itself.

But lately I’ve been taking a walk or two up struggle street.

And you know what, that’s actually ok too.

 

 

Advertisements

One of those moments

It’s 5.09pm and I got home from work over half an hour ago. I spent most of the time since I drove in the driveway sitting in my car and lying on my bed with my cat. That might not seem like anything particularly special, but for those who know Charlie the cat it’s a pretty big deal.

Charlie doesn’t sleep on beds. Ever. And he freaks out when I put him on them. But today, a day where I don’t particularly want to face the world, Charlie cat let me not only put him on the bed, but lie down and have a nap beside him. He’s currently still curled up in a bun like formation while I type away at my desk.

Some days are hard. Your guess is as good as mine as to why. But this week my new life has begun to really sink in. The kind of sink where you slowly slip into a lukewarm pool and can’t quite tell if you’re 100 per cent happy about it, but you’re still glad to be there.

I’ve gone from a very body confident, reliable decision maker to a constantly uncertain, emotionally reserved and body conscious individual. I’m not sure how I got from there to here. There’s plenty of good changes too. I think. I can’t list them right now, but they are there. I know how to stand my ground and to be confident in what I do for work. That’s something.

This might sound weird, but a year ago I was a ‘go to person’ one of those people you have in your life for when it gets tough. The person you turn to to talk about anything. The person you need at the end of a rough day…someone who just sort of fixes things.

Somewhere along the road I became allergic to drama, to emotions, to anything that even remotely resembles someone needing me.

And I have no idea why.

At some point I just kind of stopped giving a shit.

And people stopped needing, they stopped talking, and they too stopped caring.

I think when big changes occur in someones life and when they go through challenging times, it’s easy to forget healing takes a long time. A really, really long time.

And people who weren’t there through it don’t realise how patient they need to be. But the people who were there through it often aren’t there any longer.

Someone can look fine but in reality they’re still struggling, they’re still broken, and they’re still healing.

I think the number one relationship killer ,whether it be friendship or romantic, is complacency and lack of respect.

I don’t mean respect in the term you might be picturing it in. I mean it in the way of listening to ideas and advice, listening to that persons way of viewing the world…and caring about it. By complacency I mean people stop caring about the answer to ‘how was your day’ they stop wanting that person to be happy, they stop wanting that person to smile. People just start to go about their own lives forgetting to ask and care: “how are you really doing?”

It’s amazing how easily and how quickly it happens.

And I’m terrified of it.

I’m also exhausted.

Maybe because for me part of my healing process means it takes a lot of energy to be open, to love, to care, to let people in. I don’t know if that ever gets easier, but I keep on trying hoping it eventually will.

This week I’ve started to appreciate my city and the morning drive to work. I’ve tried hard to walk around town more at lunch time, to come up with new places to take my horse; to genuinely live here.

But man, it is not easy. I still miss Hamilton. I miss the people. But I am starting to live here and in all honesty, I’ve made some incredible friends here so far I’d be sad to leave if I ever moved back. This is home. And it’s starting to feel like that.

But it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. I think after any period, long or short, of hardship it takes years to adjust again. This is probably the most time I’ve spent alone or even wanted to spend alone in nearly a year.

I’ve spent a year hiding.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve slowly addressed things as I felt I was capable. I’ve tried my best to counsel and work my way through the hurt bits and the crappy bits and ‘fix’ myself. But up until this point I’ve needed people. I’ve needed to see and be around people to remind myself it’s ok.

And now, I think I’m slowly learning how to be ok alone again and how to cope with myself.

I have a thyroid scan in a weeks time. I’m both nervous and excited. I want to know where it’s at. Has the nodule grown? Will I have to have a life changing operation? Will I not? I play it down but it plays on my mind almost constantly. And that’s just the reality of it.

I think somedays, I just want to feel unconditionally loved, and I want to unconditionally love myself too. I want that love for myself. I want to be in that space again where I don’t question if I’m a hard person to love, where I don’t feel like I’m still a bit broken, where I just feel like a whole human. A few weeks back I wrote a post about how I finally felt like I was no longer recovering. And I feel like that most of the time now.

But with any recovery there are set backs.

And this is just one of those moments.

This blog got a lot more real than I was anticipating. I think Sam ought to bring my red wine to me and I will lie on my bed with Charlie cat and watch crappy soaps.

Till next time x

 

Pros, cons, failure

Growing up is a weird thing; it just sort of happens without really thinking about it. I mean sure, most of the time I’m thinking to myself ‘I am definitely not adult enough to deal with this’, but then there are moments where I suddenly realise I am an adult, and I’m actually doing it just fine. How can I tell I’m adulting well? Firstly, I am incredibly particular about wine, babies no longer scare me (I’m still highly skeptical I should ever actually be allowed to bring one up), I am capable of looking after multiple small people at once, I know life does not stop and start with marriage, relationships, or even having children…but those things are cool too, I’ve come to appreciate money…by that I mean the fact that I turn up to a place each day and do stuff and they then give me money so I can live, I am learning how to think about and navigate the idea of a mortgage, a house, where I want to live… and I have learnt just how fragile life is, and I appreciate that fact. Oh and I’ve also come to learn and accept shit happens to all of us.

I don’t feel grown up, but to honest I don’t know if anyone ever feels ‘grown up’, I think it’s more a feeling of comfortable experience that leads you to have a little more faith each year that in most situations you will, regardless of how you may feel at the time, be ok. I was going to put ‘survive’, but there’s really no guarantee of that.

My little cat had his vaccinations today. In order to get him into the cat cage I coxed him with food first into a small space. He then quickly realised something was not right and quickly escaped. I came back five minutes later to see he had given into his desire for food (animal like its owner) and I swiftly blocked the cat door with various washing baskets. He then escaped from the other door as I tried to enter with the cat cage and my attempts at a human barricade failed miserably. I then spent 10 minutes chasing him up and down the house until he finally gave in to his desire for pats and I captured him once and for all. His poor defeated meows were heart breaking as I loaded him into the car for mum to take him with her to the clinic (she’s a vet nurse). Admittedly the only time I’ve ever put him in a cage prior was to move him from one place to another…so right now he’s sitting in a cage at the clinic thinking this is his new home and he’s been transported to some kind of jail for a crime in which he does not know. I will sweep in and rescue him and he shall love me forever…and hopefully forget all about this mornings antics.

I have two weeks until my psychology exam. I have finally accepted there is no possible way for me to learn everything I need to learn. So, I’ve decided I will simply learn five chapters REALLY well so ace that part of the exam. I’d love to say this is a strategy well thought through, however it’s really a last ditch effort not to fail this whole thing.

But I can always try again.

Really what I’m telling myself is it is not the end of the world, I have wasted $700 in worse ways, it will be fine, I have wine, and if I have to try again I’ll just try again. Simple, right?

Adulting at its finest right there.

What I’m coming to learn this year is to just chill out. That might seem strange to those in my life who understand I operate at a million miles an hour and every single weekend in June is booked…however, I am learning to stop putting on the pressure, stop trying to overachieve, to move a million miles an hour. Just take one step, as it comes. For me, there are often many steps that come all at once…so if I apply that statement to my life it looks like madness.

But on the days I feel frustrated I’m not going anywhere fast enough, I just remind myself how much I wanted this; to have a warm home close to family, to have my own cat, to have a job that keeps me busy and earns me money but doesn’t give me nightmares, so I have time to study and enjoy that study. This is what I wanted when I sat in that little home in France and pictured life. It just didn’t happen how I expected it to. But this is really lovely.

It’s raining. I love rain. I love studying when it’s raining. Soon I’ll have a gym with a spa and I can provide myself with motivation for the gym with that. It’s winter, it’s snuggly weather, it’s raining, I’m studying something I love, I have a cat, I have plans for a house, I want to live in the country, I have a good job. It’s all about perspective…

Because when I got on here I was going to complain how stressed and didn’t want to study, how my head hurts because I have a headache because it’s always so damn cold, how it’s raining so I don’t want to go outside or to the gym, and I have no money for my dream home or my dream travel.

It’s really easy to get stuck feeling like it’s falling apart or like something else would be better. Of course it would, because it always looks great when you’re not living it. You can’t have all the pros without the cons and you rarely see the cons when it’s not your life.

I’m wearing my favourite sweater today, it’s raining, and I’m going to go home and snuggle my cat and study with a hot cup of tea. I might even take an Instagram shot of it all so people think my life is amazeballs.

Sorry, this blog had potentially a little too much sarcasm in it.

 

Let go of the rope, breathe

Winter is finally here. It has wrapped its cool, comforting fingers around my face and I’m settling into a routine. I love winter. There is plenty to love about summer sure; long nights, festivals, parties, friends, less work, people have more energy. But winter is my one true love and always has been. There is just something stunning about waking up to a crisp morning, dressing warmly for the day and slipping out the door. I heap blankets on my bed, snuggle up and watch movies on weekends, hit the mountains snowboarding; winter is a time of family, fun, and peace for me. Oh and cuddles. Can’t beat a nice cuddle on a wintry day.

I was chatting to a friend this morning who’s off running around the world again. He’s off to Barcelona shortly. I’m jealous! I’d love to be off to Barcelona…or anywhere for that matter. But as we were chatting I did realise something, I’m remarkably comfortable with life. It’s been an adjustment, a really big one, over the past year and a half from loosing granddad, leaving journalism, to travelling, to the adjustment of coming back home. But suddenly, as I was chatting to Sam last night, I realised, actually, it’s time to let it all go.

Today is the first day I’ve felt ‘at home’ since I came back. It’s the first day I’ve looked around and realised my new normal is incredible. No it’s not quite as spectacular as travelling to Barcelona, but it’s lovely.

I have an incredible relationship, the sort I wake up each day and can’t believe my luck. I have a cute cat and he’s all mine, I’m loving my study, I’m good at my job and I’m enjoying it, my horse is happy and I can snuggle her every now and then. My stress levels are at an all time low and I’m feeling at peace.

It’s time to let go now of the past, of talking about it, of processing it. I am finally at a stage I’m really happy to not be moving on, but to have moved on.

Everyone adjusts to life at different paces, and I think I was struggling to accept I had indeed created the kind of life I craved, the kind of peace and happiness I’d never really allowed myself, the friendships that I envied in other people. It doesn’t need changing anymore, because what I have is everything I need.

This counselling paper I’m doing at the moment is interesting. As I work further through it and read more I can feel myself start to just relax. I’ve been able to feel on a deeper level, appreciate on a greater level, and love in a way I thought was only reserved for people who were naïve.

Essentially just get over the crap (putting it in a less airy fairy way, cause I think I’ve been dealing with too many marketing and psychology words lately!).

Love doesn’t have to have walls and precautions, work doesn’t have to be stressful, study can be enjoyable.

Life being simple can be a good thing. Let it be simple, let it be peaceful, let it be lovely.

I feel an overwhelming sense of freedom…and I didn’t realise a relationship could feel like that. I want to travel more, and I can travel, I want to explore a range of careers and move around, and I can do that, I want to write a book, I can do that.

No I’m not travelling the world or seeing incredible things or saving lives right now. But I’ll get there again at some point. There is a time and place for everything, and right now my time and place is here, with the people I have and with the things I’m doing.

I rush too much.

I’m learning to deal with that.

My room is a beautiful little haven now, Sam’s flatmates are a good laugh and I like being able to hijack them as my friends for the snowboarding season since mine have all run off to new places, I’m so lucky to be able to spend more time with my mum and dad now I’m living at home and see my little brother grow up a bit more, I’m lucky I’m just around the corner from my grandparents, and I love having Sam so close he can just come around for dinner.

I think I’ve been trying to hide from the happy emotions. I never wanted to move back to Tauranga, but what I wanted and what I needed were two very different things. I’ve been stubborn about admitting that. I feel at home here now. I love being here.

It’s taken me by surprise that I can in fact have the things in a relationship and in life that I’ve been craving and it’s actually not hard.

In a lot of ways, and we all already know this, it’s perspective over situation. My situation hasn’t changed since last week, or even yesterday, but my sudden realisation that I don’t need to be on the defensive toward my life and never allow myself to enjoy it for what it is, has changed my attitude.

Life now is an incredible amount better than what I’d planned. So I’ll admit it once again, because I tend to forget this lesson I’ve learnt: stop planning, start living, start enjoying, and go where it takes you.

And breathe. I don’t do that nearly enough.

 

Catch my breath

I’ve been sitting in front of my computer, on my bed in Canada (family holiday), for over an hour now trying to put together my thoughts in sentences long enough to construct a blog. I could blame the concussion a few days ago, or I could blame this irritating case of writers block.

I tend to find I suffer from writers block when I have a bunch of thoughts but I don’t actually know what I want to say. So, on days like these (or weeks in this case) I sit down and listen to a whole heap of random songs I can relate to, I zone out of life, and I make myself write random things here.

I’ve reached a new phase of what I’ve come to call ‘post breakup’. I’m well past the break up and it’s now learning how to cope with all the changes in my personality. It’s almost like meeting a new person and getting to know all the strange quirks about them…but it’s me. I’m learning about all the strange quirks I never had before.

I’ve decided I want to get a tattoo. I’m not sure why that’s a defining point of change, but I’ve decided it is. That’s my moment. It’s the acceptance that I’m different; life is different, and it’s time to get used to that.

The other day I was talking to someone who said they had worked through issues in a marriage because they couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, that the person they were with was it and if they weren’t with them they wouldn’t be with anyone else. That’s exactly how I felt. In some ways it’s still how I feel. It’s not that I don’t want someone else, it’s that my mind is still getting used to that idea and it might take some time. But I’m a firm believer that things change, and when they do, you have to change your thinking. I’m damn excited about the people I’m meeting…and I pat myself on the back everyday that I can keep moving forward.

Lately I’ve met someone who has caught me off guard. People don’t do that. I’m rarely surprised by people. Actually, I can’t remember the last time someone new took my breath away. And it’s the first time I haven’t wanted to run, fast. It gives me hope. A kind of hope I’d actually completely forgotten about. It doesn’t mean I won’t run, I’m a fast runner, but it does mean that I’m learning. I am coming to terms with the fact life is going to be ok and there are people out there who will surprise me, excite me, inspire me, challenge me, and just make me smile about something completely ordinary. And it’s ok to care about someone…even if they hurt you. Caring is a really nice feeling.

I refuse to let past hurts control my life or control what I give to and see in people. If someone throws my trust back in my face, if they turn out to be nothing like I thought, who the hell cares? I’ve lived through worse. I never stop getting back up when I’ve been kicked down. And that’s not going to change. I refuse to be afraid of something incredible incase it’s something painful.

I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in my future, and that’s bothering me considerably at the moment, but this year is all about my life and what I want in it. For the first time I’m allowing myself space, I’m giving myself permission to make my life about what I want rather than what someone else wants from me. I have two exciting volunteer projects I’m really excited to throw myself into and I’m looking forward to figuring out and mastering my office/marketing job(s). I’m planning to explore my own country a little bit more, attend a bunch of festivals, get a tattoo or two, master surfing…and the list goes on.

It’s easy to lose focus on what’s actually important, now, and worry about the future. It’s something I need to write on a mirror and remind myself every single time I get up… that life is happening now. It will work out. Trust God and stop wasting energy.

That’s easier said than done.

But I will get there. And as afraid as I am about letting someone into a life I’ve finally managed to call my own, I know whoever I do let in is going to be someone pretty special. And if it’s just me this year, that’s cool too. I’m really, really ok with it.

There’s moments I want to burst into happy tears and give myself a high five. I’m learning; I’m recovering. Loving people doesn’t have to hurt and when it does, it’s still worth it.

I’m still worth something. I’m still loveable. I am still the amazing person I was, if anything I’m even better. I’m allowed to love myself.

While I’ve been over here in Canada I’ve missed my friends in a way I’ve never missed people, I’ve craved coffee dates and chats and nights out. Every time I see my sister snuggle with her fiancé it doesn’t make me crave that exact thing, it makes me crave the people I care about. That’s the first time in my entire life I’ve craved genuine company rather than wanting something someone else has.

It makes me smile every time I think about how many things I am blessed with and how certain I am, that no matter what changes and who moves and who I meet, I will always want quality people in my life, and in unlimited amounts.

I’m this strange mix of absolutely terrified, sad, excited, happy, and completely content.

So here’s to the next stage of getting back up, standing tall, moving forward, and living life.

Listen to this cool remix.

Peace out!

P.s Canada is amazing in every single way and I’m coming back here. Actually I think I’m going to live here.

#lifeisbloodybrilliant

 

 

 

Happy-go-lucky

The count down to Canada has begun! It’s less than a week before I fly out of the country and I’m still yet to figure out what on earth I’m packing. Sickness has found me once again in the form of a cold and all sorts of average feelings. But I had it coming really, my body doesn’t love take aways, no sleep, and alcohol for over a week! Running around in the rain probably didn’t help either. Never the less I’m now taking the hint and sleeping as much as is humanly possible while still working and occasionally eating. Ugh, I must be getting old. I’m now adding ‘don’t drink vodka’ to my New Years resolution list. Lately I seem to swing between wanting to cuddle up in bed with a good book and my cat and wanting to go clubbing all night and never sleep. I’m some weird combination of grown up and someone trying to relive their teenage years.

When I began 2015 my only new years resolution was to be ‘unapologetically me’. At the time I wasn’t entirely sure what that looked like, all I knew is I was tired of trying to make people happy or impress them and either putting on or shutting down parts of who I was to achieve that. I’d actually forgotten about it when I made 2016’s resolutions, until the other night. I was sitting with one of my best friends when he turned to me after a moment of silence and said “I’ve never met anyone who is so good at being themselves as you are”. It’s funny because I rarely stop to think about what I come across to people as. I know from feedback on my blog that each person reads what I write differently, and I really enjoy that, but I haven’t often stopped to think about how my friends perceive me or my life for that matter.

Quite often I get so focused and just doing my thing I don’t get the chance to congratulate myself on how far I’ve come or pat myself on the back for things I’ve achieved.

I have indeed managed to become unapologetically me and I now know what that looks like: me being me without trying – the people who like who I am, stay and those who don’t, leave. I really like who I am as a result of it and while it’s meant losing a few major people in my life, I’ve made even better friends and become closer to the some of ones I already had.

Part of my being me plan was to live life large; start saying yes more and getting out of my comfort zone. After travelling like I did I thought comfort zones were a thing of the past and getting out of them was a piece of cake. I was wrong, like I usually am, and I’ve found being single one of the hardest things to get used to in terms of meeting guys and striking up conversation with people. I don’t think many people realise just how comforting it is to have that one ‘person’ there for them and how little you rely on other people when in a relationship. Suddenly now I’m single I rely on people like I never have before. I need my friends around me; I need people to laugh with, have nights out with, talk to about random things in my day, share exciting things with, all the little things I shared in a relationship I’ve found other people to share them with. But that, until now, was a very daunting thing. And it still is at times. My happiness is reliant on a lot of different people, I’m still feeling vulnerable, those people can and will move and change and carry on with their own lives just like I will with mine…and I have no say about that. It’s scary. The unknown is scary.

But it’s also exciting. I’m learning to just enjoy the now and the people I have right now. I never thought I’d care about people or want to help people the way I do now. I’ve found the more I go through and the more I see in life the more determined I am to get alongside other people; face life together.

I had another friend point out the other day that I “do so many cool exciting things all the time”. Again, I’d never stopped to think about it. But I suppose when I add up the travelling, the hobbies, the nights out, I am in fact living life large. I’m enjoying every moment of it and I’m grabbing it by the horns. Instead of thinking about it, I’m just doing it. And I think that’s the best way to approach it.

I’ve become a happy-go-lucky people person and that was never something I expected. I looked at people who loved life and frolicked in genuine happiness with a bunch of amazing friends as foreign objects. I honestly had no idea how people did that. Yet just like that, I’m one of those people. When I say just like that I don’t really mean I closed my eyes one night and woke a up different person. I think it’s more a case of the deeper the sadness and hurt you face and the more you see of the world, the more you make the most of the good times and the faster you recover in the bad. It’s not that you ever really stop being sad about the really sad things, you just carry them around in a different way. I’m doing a terrible job of explaining this, but hopefully you get the jist.

So I’m going to stop there before I ramble on into oblivion. Bring on another 12 hour sleep night, healthy food, staying out of the rain, and having cuddles with my cat.

#Icanbeagrownupsometimes

#itsbetterthanalright

How my body has felt over the past month: “Ok, you need to rest, recover from jetlag. I said rest. No, alcohol is not rest. Stop it. I mean it. You need more than 6 hours sleep. Seriously. Stop. Stop what you are doing and drink some damn water girl. Ok, that really is enough alcohol now. I said stop. OK I REALLY MEAN I NOW STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND REST AND DAMN WELL GET SOME SLEEP WOMAN!”

I’m sick. The kind of miserable sick that makes me want to curl up with my favourite teddy, a hot lemon drink, and lots and lots of cold and flu tablets until my body decides to come out from hibernation. It’s my first week of work and I woke up this morning with no voice. Thankfully by 8am I had regained my voice and I can now speak in one tone, only one, without it sounding like I’m sick. Pretty much that means anything beyond a basic conversation is out. I managed to make it to work, get to the pharmacy, buy drugs that cost me two hours pay so I could stay at work and pretend I’m not sick.

I have my official title now! I’m a client liaison and marketing co-ordinator person. Heavens only knows what that means… but pretty much I’ve established I do research on where we can be improving our reach, I talk to clients and make sure they have what they need and pass them onto the relevant people, and I help the marketing team wherever necessary. In a nutshell that’s what it is anyway. That and making sure the coffee pot is always full, the bench is wiped down (I still to this day, two weeks into the job, have no idea how the guys in the office manage to get coffee from one end of the bench to the other… they don’t even make the coffee… ), make sure the office is organised, do the stationary order, which is really quite fun, and answer phones.

I also started in the show home last night as a show home hostess… basically I get to sit in a really nice new house and talk to people who come through about it about the house and the business. I get to know things like what colour it is, how high the ceilings are, what kind of carpet it has, and all the stuff about the business I’ve grown up learning. It’s amazing what you retain from eves dropping as a child…

Then there is also the communications work which has seen me get over my fear of pitching new business to potential clients.

If you’d asked me a year ago what I’d be doing this wouldn’t have been what I would have pictured, but it’s really great. I’m actually remarkably happy with life at the moment. One of the three guys I work with in the office asked me… for the first time I might add… what was going on in my world. I said, “Nothing really, it’s good”. He looked at me surprised and said, “Well that’s good there’s no complaints”. Nope. Nothing to complain about here. And I thought about it for a moment, that despite how sick I am (and yes I know I’m complaining on here… I’M ALLOWED), and how rather broken I’ve been feeling lately about the break up, or how annoyed I am I can’t ride every day yet, or how windy Tauranga is, or how ridiculous the traffic is, life is great. It sure as hell has been a lot worse and could still be a lot worse. I think, having hit a pretty low low last year, I have realised how simple it can be to put foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.

Difflam spray and Coldrex definitely helps with that. I think I might actually become addicted to Difflam, is that possible? It tastes so delicious.

I’m also coming to this point where the idea of being in a new relationship is actually freaky. It’s not like a ‘oh I just want to be single for a while’, because I do want to do that, but it’s this kind of weird feeling of how do I be with anyone else when I’ve been with one person for so many years? And it’s not even that many years. Four years is just a blip in terms of an entire life span. But it feels like forever because I’m only 22… so it’s a fifth of my life (I think, I’m bad at maths). I can be a really weird person at times…I’m like this energetic, optimistic, freakishly excitable soul in a pessimistic, worn out, sarcastic body. And then there are all the health problems that I know I’m on top of but it might not stay that way and I could legitimately turn a bit crazy. And that freaks me out. So imagine how I feel about talking to someone else about that? IT’S JUST ALL SO COMPLICATED.

So I’m rolling with #single. But then on the other hand I’m all like #lovingflirting and I swing dramatically between the two. Then I also occasionally go with #imgoingtobealoneforever and #sobbinginmylonliness but also #lookatallthispaceinmybedforME and #noonetoanswerto.

You can see how this might be a bit confusing at times?

It doesn’t help that when I get sick I get delusional. So right now I know I’m making very strange statements and I should be kept away from my blog but there is no one to stop me blogging and so I’m going to post it anyway! Sigh.

So life is this… a great mix of new people, new adventures, getting back into jumping my horse, making goals, having dreams, enjoying working, loving the beach, and also struggling daily with feeling lost, alone, angry, and hurt. But I have great friends and I know it’s on the up. Things are just how they are, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’m not sad about life being different, it’s just different. And that sometimes takes a bit of adjusting.

Moving cities has also been a challenge and I regularly miss the Waikato and wonder if I made the right choice moving back. But I did. I know I did. Even if NO ONE IN THIS CITY CAN DRIVE PROPERLY…I get to be close to family and friends and once things slow down a bit and I have routine in the new year… I can start planning my next adventures. Because I have a whole life ahead of me to live them in. So time to start working and saving and dreaming.

#itsbetterthanalright

This is the most alive I’ve ever felt

2016 is five weeks away. Yep, I’ll just give you a moment to let that sink in.

Life is under control, or well, as under control as it can be. I’ve come to accept nothing in life (other than death, but let’s not get all depressing) is guaranteed. None of it. I can walk around and make all the plans in the world but there is nothing to say that’s how it’s going to go. I used to get all uptight and worried about that, but I’ve just accepted that’s not how it goes now. Perhaps it’s because the past two years didn’t go at all to plan or perhaps I’m just growing up.

See I’ve spent many years wanting things to look a certain way, being worried about a career, about being in a relationship, having this little perfect life with a bow on top. Now rather, my life is like the presents after they’ve been torn apart at Christmas by the excited three year old. But I think that’s how life should look. There are bad things that happen and they hurt, there are avoidable things that happen and they cause regret, there are great things that happen and they make us happy. And it comes in the package called life.

One thing I’ve taken out of the many from this past year is that being happy actually isn’t what life is about…it’s being content and fulfilled. Those things often lead to happiness, but they’re not happiness. You can be sad about something yet still be content or you can be angry about someone and still be content.

I’ve also realised that being able to be there for people is so much more important than having life going perfectly. I want to have time for friends, for memories, to help people when things are falling apart, to celebrate with people when they’re going well. I want time to enjoy the things in my life and not just rocket past them all at a million miles an hour on this quest to conquer life.

I’m taking a major step back in my journalism career by taking a part time job in an admin role, I’m not likely to be able to compete my horse properly again for a while because of my sore tailbone, I still have days I struggle with the fact I’m no longer with someone I loved dearly. It’s not perfect. It never will be. I’m still tired and a bit stressed, but I’m alive. I have moments where I whinge to my friends that I hate it all and I’m angry. We all do.

But it doesn’t mean life isn’t great.

I’m excited about the fact I have a job for the next year, I’m loving the fact that it’s part time and I can focus on other things like volunteer work and other part time jobs. It might not seem like the direction I should be heading in, but for me it’s exactly where I want to be; around family and friends and saving money for my next adventure. The fractured tailbone sucks, but it means I have more time for other exercise and actually spending time enjoying my horse as a pet. And I’m getting used to flying solo.

I’m not always positive, I’m not always happy, I know that the next bombshell could come from anywhere at anytime, but I’m content and I make the most of the good times.

Life is to be lived and for the first time in mine, I feel like I am living right now.

I feel the most alive I’ve ever felt. And that in itself is worth more than words can describe.

 

It’s time for an adventure

Screen Shot 2015-04-22 at 8.27.15 PM

I spent weeks checking flights online. I’d made plans well in advance. I’m an organised person. I do not do irrational or spontaneous things. I make decisions, I just need a bit of time to make them…to accustom myself to the idea of them. My life is planning.

I have a lovely little house, I have a great flatmate. I have a beautiful veggie garden. I have a good job. My life is quaint. It’s pleasant. There isn’t really much to complain about. It wasn’t until I stopped the other day. Right in the middle of my hallway. Just stopped. In the way you stop when you realise you just about crossed a road without looking. Stopped. If I died tomorrow, I’d be really pissed off at myself.

Well, I probably wouldn’t, because I’d be dead. But never the less…it makes you start to revaluate your life when you start thinking about being pissed off at the dead version of yourself.

I’m not really a ‘live each day like it’s your last’ because lets be realistic here, it’s unlikely to be your last and if it’s not…you’re kind of screwing yourself over by not thinking about that possibility. Hence, I like to plan stuff. But this is different.

I’d planned to do this trip, seven months from now. But that moment in the hallway really got me to take a moment and really think about this year. What am I staying for? I have great opportunities if I go now, it means I’ll be back in time for summer. There is this whole incredible world, right there, and I’m just ‘waiting’ for it.

So I sent a few emails, nervously clicked refresh a million times, skyped my uncle, harassed my travel agent, booked a flight. And I’m going in eight weeks.

Yep, apparently when I make spontaneous decisions I make ’em real good.

Here it is. My wonderful wayward journey of doing something other than being ‘ok’ with life. There is nothing wrong with how my life is…but there is so much more I could be doing with it right now. So many opportunities (even if I can’t always see them) and a desperate need to open my eyes to everything beyond my four walls.

Veggie gardens or not, it’s time to go.

Saving grace

Today, and yesterday, were the kind of days where I have to remind myself to breathe. One, because I need oxygen, two, because I need to relax. Along with a splitting headache and aching stomach, the clear indicator for stress was standing in the kitchen writing stories in my head. 

Stop it brain. Time to shut off. 

But I’ve done enough complaining lately. I actually enjoy working 8.30am to 7pm some days, in a weird way it means I can consume myself in work enough I can forget about all the other things I should be doing. 

Like making friends. Doing sport. Keeping fit. That sort of stuff. 

I realised though, these last few days, just how lucky I am. Today I have been trying really hard to be positive, so here is a list of things I am grateful for:

1) The guy who flashed his lights to warn me of a speed camera so I didn’t end up with another ticket. 

2) The fact it stopped raining when I went to feed my horse.

3) Fantastic people I have met during my interviews lately, these are amazing reminders of why I love my job.

4) Friends who bring me food. Like, there are no words for people like this. I love them more than I can explain. There is simply nothing better than a friend who offers to bring you food when you’ve had a really shitty day and forgot there was this thing called eating which you need to do.

5) Good music, the amount I have found lately has kept me afloat.

6) People to dream with. Even if it is something simple and far off, just having someone to discuss the future and the excitement of it makes me smile. 

7) Having a work car… because I am rather poor.

8) Managing to not crash it even though with this awful weather lately there have been several very close calls. 

9) Having a horse, because sometimes, you just need horse cuddles to make the world seem like a nice happy place.

10) A bed, a roof, a warm house, food, and a job. I don’t think I ever stop and appreciate these things enough. I am so lucky to live in a house, let alone the incredible house I live in, with good people, in a safe country.

So I have a life plan. I have a headache. I didn’t get a speeding ticket. I have managed to actually achieve nearly everything I need to by 10am tomorrow. I have fantastic friends. And my hottie bottle and cup of tea are perhaps some of the more reassuring things after a long day. 

Anyway, what I actually came on here to say was that I have become a far more vulnerable person. While that was very scary at first, it feels good to rely a little more on others and a little less on myself. Bad days are still unpleasant, but when you’re not shouldering the whole world, you feel much more equipped to cope. 

People rock. Good people, are really quite incredible. 

So folks, remember to ask for help when you can’t do it on your own anymore, and remember when to say no when you can’t take it anymore.

But don’t forget to say yes and to lend a hand when you can, because everyone has their turn at feeling like their my paddock in the rain with a horse running up and down it.