White wash

My computer hates me. It just plots against me, waiting for a moment of weakness, then it strikes. Normally at the end of the day, and almost always when processing photos. I don’t like processing photos any more.

I did this weird thing this morning, it’s call ‘getting up ridiculously early’, I mean 5.40am early. Yes I know, why? My body didn’t get the memo that daylight savings had ended. As a result, I’ve been waking up an hour early. I thought, seeing as I am awake, I might as well actually get up and go ride my horse before work. Apparently my body just wanted to be awake, it didn’t actually want to do anything at that time. I now have a vice like headache and strange vision, kind of like someone went a bit crazy with the brighten tool on a photograph. I’m pretty sure this isn’t a good thing… but that’s ok. 

I am actually glad I got up early, I can now drag my poor, tired brain home – I was going to do grocery shopping, but I think that might be a bit much for it – see my other horse, then curl up in bed for some good old program watching. Nothing could sound more inviting with a headache and clouds outside! 

I actually came on here to be all deep and talk about quotes and secrets and what not… but there is a limit to my depth and seriousness when in pain… my sarcastic side sort of runs rampant over my body. I therefore may just wait until inspiration strikes me and I feel the need to let you all know.

Bye for now.

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It’s a journey to ‘great’

I decided I am feeling inspired today. For various reasons, partly because I graduated… which I could rattle on about, but I have too many thoughts in my head just right now to talk about my bits of paper! Above is a picture of my horse Ivy, the one I’ve gone on and on and on about for the last however long I have had this blog for. So, just stay with me for a bit longer. 

Above is one of the first shows I ever did with her. I had never jumped that height before and she had not competed at it before. We still managed a third.

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Then this here was my proudest horse riding moment. I won this round, we had never felt like more of a team. It was the north island champs and I came out of nowhere, no one expected it, not even me! 

The very first picture is of us together, just the other day. She’s tired, she’s sore, and she misses getting out of her paddock. I have a new horse. Things have changed. In that second picture, at my first show I was 16. Right then, every single goal I had was to get through school, and be an amazing horse rider. Ivy was that horse that I was going to wow people with. Every single dream I had revolved around her. I chose where I studied after school mostly because of her. 

All throughout my life, and I am assuming yours, there have been many, many moments on the movies, stories from people, your parents encouragement, that you believe that you have a goal, and you just continue upwards until you get there. At least that is how I saw it; that every step I took just meant I was closer to being incredible. 

I thought that there was a moment, that moment I won a 1.60m show jumping round that I had reached the top. Of course I never got past 1.30m. But that’s okay. I was so focused on the end goal I forgot to actually take into consideration my life. The things that happen the gets you to the goal. You cant just look at it, and only it, and expect not to stumble. Sometimes, you have to look down. It is a humbling realisation that your story isn’t the one you’re so desperately trying to write. Your story, could be so much more exciting and entertaining and fulfilling that you can imagine. 

It is one of the hardest things to get so close, only to have to return to the bottom and start again, while watching everyone else continue up. But man, does it teach you some serious humility and determination. Kind of like when you’ve just finished that 3000 word essay and the computer crashes….

Anyway, I have rattled on long enough. What I am really saying is just because you’ve had a few set backs, struggled to come to terms with a few things, it doesn’t mean you’re not going to do great things, it just meant there were a few things you needed to learn before you could do great things. The journey to one’s goal is not a straight upwards line or one with only a few bumps in it. It’s like a mad woman’s hair on a windy day – it’s not always going to go your way. Eventually you’ll go through all the ups and downs and roundy rounds, and you might find that the great things happened along the way, and they never stop happening. 

Journey of a journalist: Part whatever we’re up to now

Since I was 9, every time I had to introduce myself I would start with ‘I’m a horse rider’. Teachers would often reply with something like ‘not what you do, who you are’. They didn’t get it. That is what I was. When I do something, I don’t go in half ass. In the big picture, I throw my entire person into it. No, not every single movement I make, I’d die trying if I had to commit myself 100% to everything. But overall, what I do, is who I am.

The other day I was trying to sleep, as I have been doing a lot of lately. Sleep doesn’t seem to happen when one is exhausted. Anyway, in these moments before my eyes finally closed I realized, at some stage in the last year I stopped being a horse rider. I stopped putting it first. I stopped pouring every hour into it. I did not stop caring, I just stopped being 100% committed. I stopped competing so this could happen. It is no surprise. Yet it shocked me.

I am a journalist.

At some stage in this past 6 months, I became a journalist. Horse riding is my hobby.

When I introduce myself to people now I start with ‘I am a journalist’. I am a creature of habit. I am what I do. I pour every moment, second, day, month, year into what I do. It is just who I am.

I have been a horse rider for the last 11 years. I have gotten back on every single time I have fallen off. I have faced every fear I have ever had. I have cried, I have jumped for joy, I have laughed, I have learnt that no matter what you do not stop trying. I have been told that I have bad hands, bad balance, I can’t judge distance, I can’t get the right speed. Like every other person, or most I know, I have been told time and time again I cannot do it.

And just like horse riding. I have wanted to stop writing, stop trying, stop being a writer. I have been told I go to fast, I take too long, it’s bad, it’s good, it needs this, it needs that, it’s not good enough, you can’t do it. I long to hear the sentence ‘you did good’ but I have given up the hope I’m going to get it. Not because I don’t think I’m good, but because you cannot rely on other people to pick you up. You cannot rely on other people to make you feel better.

If there is one thing horse riding has taught me; it is to never stop trying. When push comes to shove who gives a damn what anyone else thinks because if you are constantly trying to get it right for them, you’re never going to. Trust what you know you can do. Chase what you want to do. Take advice when it is needed and ignore it when it is not making you any better.

This year I stopped being the one thing I understood and I started being the one thing people told me I could never be. I’m going to make it, in my own way, at my own pace and as shattered and disheartened as I feel.

Life will go on.

Journey of a journalist: The adventure begins

Here we go. Life is beginning. Or well, kind’ve. Ironically I start this post sitting, preparing for my first day with literally nothing to do. Ok there is an assignment… but I’m more meaning nothing to do that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out.

Auckland’s weather is certainly far from welcoming today. Winding and grey. The kind of weather that always makes me happy. It is rather brown. The kind of brown grass goes when you’ve burnt it with months of sun and no rain.

Waikato. I still love you.

So. I’m up here to begin life. Finished competing so now I can’t hide behind the definition of ‘horse rider’ or ‘showjumper’. I actually have to face the world as a journalist. Scary. You bet. My internship starts tomorrow…the first of many.

I see it as I am putting my toe in the pool to pre-warn myself about what will be to come. I am excited… but mainly just a tad terrified. This is the start of the ‘real world’. The one I’ve kind of been avoiding… yea that one.

Fingers crossed it far more welcoming than I am expecting.

Here goes!

Tie her up with red ribbons

Competition. It’s fantastic. It is… I’m not being sarcastic. I think it truly brings out the worst in people- the real person lurking beneath the face we like to masquerade around in front of people. Competition is something I am very familiar with. Once again I will point out I am a horse rider. One who potters around on my overly energetic, better cared for than myself, horse jumping brightly coloured objects and solid one’s when I get bored. Needless to say this post is written somewhat from a mad woman’s point of view.

I have won my fair share of first placings. Parading around in front of all the people who said I couldn’t do it with my pretty red ribbons. It’s a nice feeling. Until your horse spooks and throws you straight into the path of the people you were trying to impress. To put it simply: horse riding teaches you in a very literal way- pride comes before a fall.

I will never forget the priceless moment when someone I was rather jealous of won. Hands down a great rider. Then, as he was coming out of the ring on his horse with his nice shinny ribbon and no doubt large smile of pride on his face (rightfully so I might add). The next moment I turn around to see his horse go one way and him… well he kept going the other. 

Life is just like that. Horse riding just sort’ve puts in an example format that not many of us actually appreciate. 

I think we all earn our share of red ribbons. Those moments we can look back on and say ‘wow we actually did it’. But at the end of the day there is no time for pride. Take the wins, learn from the losses and congratulate the people who kicked your ass- even if you don’t think they deserved it. 

Because sometimes, you’re going to be the person who wins and sometimes you’re going to be the person who falls flat on your ass. And it’s going to hurt like hell. 

But that’s just competition for you. 

Oh my mind…

I AM BACK! Ah, weekend away. Don’t know how much it helped with the whole being tired thing but it was nice to be away. Last show ever for my horse I have now, which is really sad. It’s been 4 years since she started and every year we have done the same thing. We’re a team. So that is a closing of one book. I hope it’s not the end of many others but for her part in the story, for now, it is.

Now, we’re onto the next phase of life! Working on my degree to actually succeed in life. It’s not easy, but I shall do it.

It’s hard though. The demand to constantly deliver. I like it. But I also hate it. Not so much because of the pressure, but because it never stops. The not trusting, the constant competition, the having to always look for a story.

I should be used to it. I’m a horse rider. Constant demand never stops. But for some reason this is different. I have adjusted but I don’t think I will ever be completely used to it.

Discovery of what kind of writer I’m going to be excites me. The prospect of finding out what I can actually do is exhilarating.

Oh I desperately want to be sleeping! But that’s ok. I’m realizing I am really quite good at not getting sleep. It is raining finally, the grass will we growing! The ground is no longer concrete and it makes me feel all sunggly like I can curl up and get work done. That’s a nice feeling!

Anyway, I am now feeling really dizzy and it’s sort of like being in a weird motion film… so maybe I should go home and sleep, then work. In fear of what I could turn into if I continue in this strange out of sorts kind of way!

BYE!

Here I am!

I have now arrived at horse of the year! I’m rather excited about a weekend catching up with friends and seeing out the season before I hang up the show jacket and focus on writing.

Life lately has been challenging, in a good way. But also in a way that’s made me realize I can endure far more than I thought. I have thick skin and a get up and go look on life lately.

Maybe I’m finally growing up. Oh no! Now I have accomplished my big article and am slowly getting the smaller ones up and published I am a little less stressed. None the less exhilarated of course!

Finally I am ready to sleep! It has been a long day and I have made it to the end.

Go me 🙂