Rolling on through

Oh summer, where have you gone! December is always a bit of an iffy month…but part of me was still holding out for a beautiful sunny first week. Instead I am sitting behind my computer in Tauranga at 5pm wondering if we’re actually in Hamilton in the middle of winter.

Week one of work has so far gone quite smoothly. I’ve managed to remember how to file, how to do research, how to operate a PC computer (they’re of the devil I’m sure…), and I’ve learnt how to do invoices.


No, all jokes aside it looks like it’s going to be quite a cool job. I get great hours, good pay, and have time to learn all about different areas of the property market…which I am a bit obsessed with at times.

By the time this year ends I will have gone from having no job to having three quite good part time roles: admin/marketing, show home hostess (cheers dad), and Communications Consultant. Oh and don’t forget the cool title of ‘Youth Engagement Manager’ for YouthNet. All titles aside, pretty much I spend my day either talking to people about something I can do for them, or doing things for people that need to be done because they don’t want to do them. As for the youth one…the New Year should see that become more of a doing something and less of a ‘I’ve got a cool title and business cards!’.

Why have I gone from being all like ‘nooo, I want a life I don’t want to spend it working’, yet now have three jobs? Well, they’re all flexible which makes my heart sing and means I can actually exercise properly (I hope) but it’s also because I have grand plans for more travel come the end of the year.

When don’t I have grand plans?

I’ve managed to keep my pot plant alive thus far, my horse is so fat and has eaten so much grass she’s gone borderline mad, and the cat thinks life is better anywhere that I’m not…unless I’m feeding him. I don’t blame him. If I was a cat I’d spend all my days wandering around making friends.

Christmas is rolling around and I’m yet to even utter the words ‘Christmas shopping’, but I do have a plan for New Years celebrations and I’m hoping to get something of a in my two weeks off during office close down.

Then it’s off to Canada! Life never really does get boring!

So on that note I must leave with my pounding headache from a lack of sleep and too much coffee so I can see my fat horse and eat some food before I escape to church tonight for a ladies evening.

I will stop at some stage.

I think.

No promises though.


Break, here I come.

There are very few things better than climbing into a quality bed with fresh sheets and the fan going on a warm summers night. Especially when following a rather roller coaster week. This week is probably a very good metaphor for this entire year; the wins are constantly battling the losses and the pendulum of life keeps on going regardless of what happens between each tock.

That was deep.

Getting back to light hearted. This past week, I managed to get myself run off the road in the work car (not my fault) punctured the tyre, then the wheel bearing went. I also ‘disappointed’ a comms person. I seem to be very good at doing that. I also washed both my cars, kind of worked on my tan, managed a whole day with very little make up and lounging in bed (much needed!). I even watered the garden.

Oh and I sold my horse (Pip).

There are less than 10 working days between me and a holiday, and I am imagining myself in a slow motion movie scene, just a few more steps away from the finish line.

I have 10 days to get through and I can say I have survived one of the most challenging years of my life. It certainly wasn’t the worst, it probably wasn’t the hardest, but I have faced hurdles at times I felt like I was about to run straight at them, and then meet the ground with my face.

I can’t say I didn’t do that a few times. Sometimes I just stayed down there for a while, other times I managed to catch myself just before the fall, and most of the time I made it over.

I bought a horse, I sold a horse (the same one), and man am I glad I had that horse. Every difficult time in my life I have had a horse by my side, I’m not too sure how I would have made it through most days without one. I still have Ivy, but it will be the first time in 12 years that I have not had a horse to ride. I have three months to wait before I can jump back on her…but I need a break. I think at every point in your life you come to a stage where you just have to stop what has become the norm, what has become a crutch, and take a step toward the next ‘thing’.

There is this sad and scared feeling selling Pip, but at the same time it is excitement that I finally had the courage to take a step back and focus on me…who I am…and what my next step is in life. I can no longer identify myself as a ‘horse rider’ and to some degree that is freeing, it gives me a chance to explore what else I can be.

I lost a loved one. Watching granddad go slowly has been one of the hardest things I have had to face. And I still feel that loss, but I am healing. It is something everyone must learn to accept at some stage, and no matter how hard it is, it teaches you things about yourself you never thought you’d learn.

I understand the concept of ‘stopping’, I understand how important it is to reach out to someone in pain, I get what it’s like to be alone and how alone alone feels, I understand how people have mental breakdowns, I understand what it’s like to feel everything at once.

I started my first job. Wow, talk about jumping in the deep end. But I love it. I love every moment of the ‘pull my hair out imagine myself on a beach far away and not wanting to strangle that person’ madness that it can be. I understand why I chose this career; it is part of me. It is everything, it is how I define myself now. I might have been in tears, in fits of insanity laughter, glaring at my computer screen, drinking wine to ignore the burning need to tell someone what I think of them, the not drinking alcohol in fear I will, falling into bed convinced I may never get up again, but I wouldn’t change it.

I moved house. In amongst the madness I moved house, not just any move, but a move to live with my sister, and every moment since I have been thankful I made that decision. It has shown me I am finally getting the hang of listening to myself. It is hard to move for me, home is what keeps me stable, it is my centre where I can come back to when it’s all spinning out of control. So moving is big. But this has been a good one, and I am looking forward to the future.

I faced my past. It might not seem like a big thing to most people, but I have a delayed shock reaction to most emotionally threatening situations. If my mind doesn’t think I can cope with the sheer volume of emotion coming my way, it shuts it out and waits until I am in a place I can comprehend it. For me, Conrad was a part of my life I didn’t think I could ever deal with. But when suddenly he was here, in my city, in the place that had become my safe haven, I had to face some pretty big issues I never knew I had.

It’s moments like these you realise just how incredible the human brain is, how it can just blank things out it doesn’t think you need to remember. At the end of the day, it helped to realise how a health issue began, and how to fix it.

I resolved a long term and controlling health issue.
It’s not every day you get to defy the doctors and fix yourself with natural medicine. Nope, it’s not going to vanish, but it’s not going to even with the doctors medication. But it is pretty much consistently under control and it is no longer the centre of my life.

I ended up with a baby horse...this is the start of a new future with my darling Ivy. She’s been my best friend for the past six years, but our ‘team’ has changed its course and I’ve come to accept I won’t be competing for a while, Mardy is the final point of acceptance in that.

So this year has been a good one, and it’s not over! But it’s so, so close. I have a pretty incredible life, I’ve been on some amazing adventures and had some unforgettable experiences. And it doesn’t stop here.

It’s just another year in a roller coaster life, and I’m getting better at holding on and enjoying the ride.

But a whole summer with the freedom to get out on the weekends, to sunbath, to just take a deep breath and remind myself I am alive, and it’s ok to stop…it sounds like bliss.

Sometimes, I think you just get to a point where you need a break, need to just stop. Long enough to remember why you keep going and why the world is a good place.

A break…deep breath, it’s nearly here.

It’s time

Ah Tuesday. Monday has left a chaotic trail and Tuesday is the aftermath of its destruction. Spring is on its way and I have been working full time for nearly 10 months now. Yes, I am counting.

Everyone I see who I don’t actually talk to regularly but I know tells me how amazing my job is and how I’m always having fun. I giggle a little. It is a lot of fun, that’s true. I have a heap of opportunities which are incredible, but it has made me realise how easy it is to paint a picture in everyone’s minds of half truths.

Work is also really quite hard. It’s full on, as the ‘full time’ would suggest. My eyes hurt from looking at a computer screen, I never seem to have enough time to do half the things I used to do, an hour between me and Alex seems suddenly like a huge distance, I’m selling the horse because it can’t just sit in a paddock when I have to work late.

I don’t resent all that, as the pros far out weigh the cons. But it’s hard. Some days I struggle to get out of bed. Other days I genuinely wonder if I can. It is very easy to lose yourself when life gets so busy you never have enough time to reflect on what’s actually important.

So, what is important? This is a hard question to answer because it makes me think of two things: what is important to me, and what is important to the people I care about?

For me, it’s being happy. It is having time to just walk along the street with nowhere to be. Waking up late in the morning just one day a week so the sun streams through the curtains and just touches my eye lids. It’s being able to lie in the paddock while Ivy munches on grass around me and breathes her sweet horsey breath over my toes. It is spending money – a small amount – on something completely frivolous simply because I want it. It is being able to be spontaneous, being able to decide on a whim to see Alex. It is seeing friends, taking trips to the beach, walking up mountains, and meandering down the street.

I don’t want a lot, but I do want to be happy, and I want to be fulfilled.

I think it is easy to get caught up in wanting it all. I want to horse ride, I want to compete, I want it all. But sometimes you can’t have it all. Sometimes I get caught up in what I think I should be doing and forget it is always my choice. It is always my choice when to start and when to stop.

Right now, it’s time to stop the one thing, horse riding, that has given me a sense of self – it is how I define myself, I have always been a horse rider.

I am often told ‘you bring it on yourself’ when I talk about stress. Yes, to a degree. But while adding stress horse riding has been the one thing that has always made me smile. It has been my escape from everything and everyone. It has been the one constant in my life which never changes.

But I think it is time to focus on my job, and on my life. I have tried many times before, but this time is different. There is this part of me that I have suddenly realised I am in the place in my life where there are so many other important things that have been neglected most my life. It is time to wander, to dream, to wake up slowly, to explore, to see people I love, to just relax. I no longer need the constant of horse riding to know who I am.

Work is full on enough. So, now it time to know when to stop.

Stopping is not giving up. It is simply knowing when you’ve reached the end of the line. This is where that line stops for me.

For now.

The cold has gone!


So here my day begins. I thought the above picture was a good way to start a morning blog. Finally, I have shaken this blasted cold! It is still hanging around like a stranger… after an awkward impromptu conversation has ended and you’re both waiting at the bus stop.
None the less, my spirits have lifted somewhat after realising I am able to lunge my horse in the morning (make it run around on the end of a rope to keep it fit, but it means I don’t have to ride), as I don’t have to ride, it means I can get ready in the dark for work, then go down to the paddock when it is light, and still (sort of) make it in time for work.
Wednesday’s are always good days, especially when one gets to go to council! Yes, I am well aware that statement does now make me seem anymore ‘normal’ or gives a vote of confidence to my mental state… but it has been of concern for years, I’m just rolling with it now.
So, with that, I am going to go and read through this delightful agenda and find me some stories!

It is that time of year.

I’m not entirely sure how to start this blog. I’m not really sure about many things right now. You see, my horse, being the delightful creature it is, decided to throw me on my head. Well, it decided it didn’t want me on its back because I wouldn’t let it do what it wanted. It was my fault I fell on my head. That’s what happens when you don’t fall off often, you forget how to do it. Hence, I landed on my face/head/ribs/ shoulder.

Actually, I pretty much just gave the ground a great big bear hug at speed. Oh, and managed to punch myself in the face in the process. Just because falling off wasn’t bad enough.

Not even pea protein can fix this spacey mood.

It is also raining. Again. For the second week in a row. I blame the rain for me falling off in the first place. It rains: can’t ride. It rains some more: still can’t ride. Horse gets a little full of energy and I don’t have the same level of energy to keep my body on top of said horse.

It needs to stop raining.

I’m switching banks. I also brought a new phone. Too many changes all at once. I’m not a change person. I’m also selling a lot of horse gear. More change.

Hence: entirely unsure of how I feel right now.

I think I have a disorder of some type. Actually, I’m positive. Everyone seems to have a disorder of some kind now-a-days. I also didn’t get asked for ID at two separate supermarkets over the weekend. This makes me feel incredibly depressed.

We have now arrived at the time of year (winter in New Zealand) when getting out of a bed is a serious achievement. So, I plan on booking myself in for an appointment with the cranial guy to fix the head, and then devouring one of my 11 frozen meals (homemade) I have stock pilled so I don’t have to function as a useful human after the hour of 5.30pm. Then, I shall snuggle with my hot water bottle and watch random crap on my laptop and sulk about the rain.

Then sleep.

Sleeping makes it all better.

P.s, I’m actually in a good mood, but my head hurts, so for some reason, the only thing I seem to be able to write is depressing/ whinging. I do apologise.


Real world master class

I realised this morning what the definition of living in the real world was. 

Real world: When one can cook a size 16 chicken, ride a horse, have a shower, look somewhat respectable, make lunch, prepare and turn on chicken soup in crock pot, make lunch, make breakfast, feed horse, get out the door in under an hour and a half… and still get to work on time.

Other than forgetting the banana in my smoothie making it so unbearable I had to go back and add it, and smoking the house out because I forgot avocado oil has a low smoke point, it was a pretty successful morning. Beautifully cooked chicken, probably the best one yet, a great lunch, even if it did have the unexpected addition of a snail, and a happy, much fatter and fitter horse. And I only had one chicken without a head moment, around the same time I was standing in the kitchen surrounded by smoke and a variety of ingredients and having no idea which meal each was meant to go in. I’m lucky I didn’t end up with a raw chicken smoothie and berry soup. 

This cold is rather persistent and how now moved from a runny nose to a splitting headache, that chicken soup better be good. 

I also realised today I have still not shaken my very ‘student’ approach to food. IT’S FREE I WANT IT! I don’t care how close it is to nearly off, it’s still edible, it’s going in my tummy. 

I am still finding it weird how one can spend an entire day inside. I have become one of those people who ask whoever walks in the door “what’s it like outside” as if I am somehow locked in a cell and unable to see the light. Sun, glorious sun. I yearn to sit under it in the middle of the day during the week. 

Sunday I spent all day just walking around in it. After tackling the house work (with three of us there all the time, it never looks done no matter how hard I try) and vacuuming the work car (a mission in itself), I was able to spend from midday till 4pm clipping my horse, simply lounging in the beautiful sun. This time of year is my favourite, when I’m at home. At 4.30pm, after managing to shower away all the horse hair I had accumulated on my body, I snuggled in bed for some much needed TLC. A good book, plenty of TV show catching up, and a hot cup of tea, with the afternoon sun streaming into a clean and cool room, with blankets piled up, perfection.

This was of course jumping out of a plane the day before. 

Never the less, I think I am getting a grasp on this ‘real world’ thing… with my own spin of course. Life would be far too boring if I wasn’t throwing myself out of things or jumping over them. I won’t start to worry about my sanity until I attempt to cook a chicken and skydive…

Over and out.


Happy little bubble

Life has been busy, a good kind of busy. It is the sort of busy that makes me happy at the end of the day. I am on the hunt for a new horse and I think I have found the one. He’s done nothing and a huge gamble, but hey, I’ve always liked taking educated guesses, I made it through year 12 maths didn’t I? 

I found out today that rice and anti-flam smells like soup? My poor muscles have gone into shock over their sudden wake up after trilling several horses. All lovely, but nothing quite as easy as Ivy. This is a good thing, pain is good. I need something to do! 

The real world I am so far finding, is this beautiful mix of peace, fun, hard work, happiness, money, peppered lightly with stress. I am liking it. Loving it actually. While a little scary, it is exactly what I was wanting from life. And people told me I wouldn’t be happy in the real world, they obviously weren’t living in my un-real one! 

Living with people I don’t know is a little daunting. One of the girls I have barely seen, the other seems lovely and I am very glad I moved in! But, I am missing Melissa. It is strange coming home with so many strange thoughts to share and having no one, not even a cat to share them with. My horse is busy getting fat and doesn’t care about me any more. So I’m on my own. That is a bit lonely, but it’s ok. I am enjoying having time to myself I suppose, but being me I am going to fill that with a new horse. I am meeting new people slowly and I am happy, comfortable and I really couldn’t ask for too much more in life. 

I am thankful. Though, also waiting for someone to pop my happy little bubble. Not just yet, just a little longer here would be wonderful.

No doubt when I get a new horse that will be all I have to write about on here…. prepare yourselves.

The good old faithful

Ah. The joys of having a car. Number 1: Breaking down. Now this is not a foreign concept for me it is more of a ‘oh here we go again.’ Yup. You guessed it. I own a Mitsubishi.

Now it is not that I have anything against them… well yes I kind’ve do now I’ve broken down just one too many times… but I would not single them out. My ute has been faithful and managed to over come almost every obstacle so far. This time though. Although my attachment is strong. My need to actually reach my destination my have come a little higher on the list. It gets there. Always. In the end. I just seem to miss most things I wanted to get to. Work thankfully seems to be the only thing it likes to get me to on time and without using much petrol.

So anyway you get my point. 

The reason I am not so happy with my ute? Well it started like this. Something is wrong. It has been for some time. I’ve owned it for two years now. Most of that time I’ve just ignored it. Mechanics can’t figure it out.

Yesterday though, I was happily tootiling along when I happened to look down at my temp gauge. Woah! A little hot. So I slowed down, eased off the rev’s and crawled up the hill in much less of a hurry (I wasn’t going over 90 to start with though!). It cooled down and I thought to myself ‘no, it will be ok. It was just having a moment.’ I continued. Now the tricky part of this situation and the reason for me actually going slow to start with was the fact I was towing a horse. They are great animals… not really the kind you want on the back of the car when it doesn’t want to tow. 

After this occurred once more I thought it was time to call it quits. But then it cooled down. Ok. That’s good. No. No it was not good. Thankfully I was clever enough to NOT get onto the motorway and instead pull over at the top of a hill just before it and wait. 

We think it’s the thermostat. It possibly could be. Or once again we might have no idea what is wrong. 

So stuck on the top of a hill. With a horse float. With a horse in that horse float. And a ute that doesn’t want to tow.

Thankfully I have a boyfriend who is getting rather used to rescuing me from my ute and I was ok. The horse was ok and the ute… well it’s still running. 

I think… and it is just a thought…

It’s time for a new car.

Oh my mind…

I AM BACK! Ah, weekend away. Don’t know how much it helped with the whole being tired thing but it was nice to be away. Last show ever for my horse I have now, which is really sad. It’s been 4 years since she started and every year we have done the same thing. We’re a team. So that is a closing of one book. I hope it’s not the end of many others but for her part in the story, for now, it is.

Now, we’re onto the next phase of life! Working on my degree to actually succeed in life. It’s not easy, but I shall do it.

It’s hard though. The demand to constantly deliver. I like it. But I also hate it. Not so much because of the pressure, but because it never stops. The not trusting, the constant competition, the having to always look for a story.

I should be used to it. I’m a horse rider. Constant demand never stops. But for some reason this is different. I have adjusted but I don’t think I will ever be completely used to it.

Discovery of what kind of writer I’m going to be excites me. The prospect of finding out what I can actually do is exhilarating.

Oh I desperately want to be sleeping! But that’s ok. I’m realizing I am really quite good at not getting sleep. It is raining finally, the grass will we growing! The ground is no longer concrete and it makes me feel all sunggly like I can curl up and get work done. That’s a nice feeling!

Anyway, I am now feeling really dizzy and it’s sort of like being in a weird motion film… so maybe I should go home and sleep, then work. In fear of what I could turn into if I continue in this strange out of sorts kind of way!