Ops, I think I was too honest again

Relationships are scary things. Anyone who’s been reading this for a while know’s I’m more of a ‘fall flat on my face while walking up stairs, spill my drink down my front’ type of person. So it comes as no surprise I’ve sat behind my computer staring at the screen for days now wondering what on earth to write and how to put it all.

I’m a mess, a hot one some days (this is usually only my opinion while drinking tequila. Always blame tequila), but generally I’m a ‘going to the supermarket in my pj’s because I forgot how to dress myself’ kind of mess.

(don’t worry, I’m yet to actually do that…but there will come a time)

So it comes as no surprise I accidentally found myself in a relationship. Because yes, I am that kind of person. I’ve told a few people close to me and they’ve all laughed and said ‘that’s how it’s meant to be’.

Wait, so relationships are meant to just happen? They’re meant to be easy? And this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach is normal and they’re called butterflies?

(I’ve decided the butterflies need to do some serious working out and ease up on the coffee, cause they are heavy and crazy!)

Last blog I mentioned something romantic along the lines of “everyone needs to learn how to let go of the cliff and just fall”. I apologise for such sentiments because I am, right this very moment (metaphorically speaking), clinging to every single thing I can find on that cliff face screaming “NOPE, NOPE NOPE NOPE. I AM NOT FALLING IN LOVE”.

So here’s the thing…I have found someone truly amazing (skip this part if you don’t like mushy). Every single day he surprises me with something that makes me smile, or laugh. There are so many moments I look at him and just think ‘yep, I love you’. I am so comfortable and so damn happy with him it makes me want to slap myself for being so damn cute.

But I am terrified he won’t stick around. That he will get a little way down the line and realise ‘he’s not ready’ or that ‘it’s just not right’ or he’ll run off with someone else. I want to be confident, I’m a confident person, but when you find something amazing and everything else amazing has turned into anything but what you expected, it’s hard to have confidence that what you see is what it really is.

I want to sit there and have the ‘are you sure you’re ready for something like this because breakups aren’t fun and I can’t do another one’ convo. That’s a scary conversation to have. I can guess all I like about how someone feels about me but I want to know, I want someone to look at me and tell me exactly why this will work or exactly why they want me.

Me.

I want to know what makes me special…out of every person. Because there will be other people, there is always other people. And you always have a choice. At some point down the line when you’re mad at the person you love, when you’re tired, there will be another person who is happy to comfort you. Are you going to walk away or is that person you love it? Are they your ‘person’? Why?

Why out of billions and billions of people are they the person you’re going to chose over and over again, every time?

What is going to make you want to keep trying even when you can’t understand that person? Or when you really don’t like that person despite how much you love them?

I’m pretty sure most people can’t answer that.

Most would argue, well ‘because you love each other’ or because ‘they’re the one’.

I like to jump on little girls fairy-tale dreams and say there is no ‘one’. There are many, and you pick one. There are many, many people you are compatible with, who will love you with every single fiber of their being…and you’re going to pick one…maybe. You also might not. You might disagree. But when you think you’ve found the one and then you have to let that go… you suddenly realise it’s not as black and white as you thought it was.

People could also argue ‘well maybe you didn’t realise what ‘the one’ felt like’. But that would be a very naive thing to assume.

I said to Alex, when we first started dating, “Don’t ever give up on me, too many people have given up on loving me and I can’t take that. I cannot deal with someone who just decides they don’t want to try any longer. It will break me.”

Yet there I was, four years later, driving along in my car, at 2am, five days after I landed back in the country, on my fathers birthday, singing my heart out to Jaymes Bay “Let it go”, tears streaming down my face, with my cat Charlie and half my stuff, on my way back to my parents house.

People give up on other people.

Every time I let that wall down and allow myself to be happy falling in love, there is this overwhelming fear that I’ll sit alone at a funeral again or I’ll get news someone has died and the person I loves asks: “Are you ok?” and I lie and say “Yeah” because I’m in shock and they’ll say “ok then” and leave me to it, again.

I am terrified I will let someone be my person again, that I will let someone in and rely on them and then all of a sudden I’ll wake up one day, during one of the hardest times of my life, and I’ll be facing it alone.

There are few things more lonely that being with someone but feeling completely alone.

I fell apart the other day, and Sam swooped in an made it better and picked up the pieces and it terrified me. I have never felt so secure with someone yet so scare of it. Because it’s these little moments I think to myself “Yes, this is absolutely everything I’ve wanted; everything I’ve needed.” And I know, I am 100 per cent certain it is nothing like it has been in the past. He is not him. I know that. I can say it a million times.

But it doesn’t make the fear go away.

(I never said my my emotions were as logical as my thought process!)

I need to be convinced that no matter what, someone will not give up on me…and that might take a long time.

And that might be a lot to put on a new relationship. I’ll most certainly agree with you on that. But it’s what makes me anxious, it’s what keeps me up at night. Because fears are fears and being given up on, watching someone just ‘stop trying’…will always make me feel sick to my stomach and kill all those pretty, fat, hyped up on coffee butterflies in there.

I’ve been avoiding writing this blog because I’ve suddenly become afraid of being honest. Perhaps because honesty upsets people, or perhaps because it also means you can’t hide from things. I am finding myself frustrated and angry and anxious because I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions when it comes to who I love.

I am fragile, I am broken, and I can’t put the pieces back together alone.

So back to the top, where this blog was heading in a very positive direction…

Just kidding! It was never going anywhere positive! I’m in one of those ‘eat chocolate in my bubble bath while reading a romantic novel so I can avoid the responsibilities of life’ moods this week… but let’s throw some happiness in here.

I have an amazing new relationship and I am incredibly glad about that. I’m actually loving the study, I’m feeling like I am achieving well at work, the young girl riding Ivy is having fun, I’m getting closer and closer to my run time for the police, I can do 20 push ups… there are so many things to be thankful for, and I’m thankful for every single one of them…

But I’m also incredibly worried about my Nan’s cancer, I’m really, really sad my best friend is moving away, I’m struggling with the workload from my diploma, and I am freaking out that I won’t pass the police medical.

In a lot of ways I feel like my life has been thrown into the air and everything is just suspended for a while and uncertainty is driving me nuts.

So here I am, finally back blogging, stuck in my head with thoughts going around like a crazy person, but I’m doing ok. I’m a strong person, if nothing else I have certainly proven that to myself over the past two years, and it’s going to be fine.

Life will work out just fine…actually life will turn out just great.

But I really want someone to push me so I take down those walls, because I am terrified, and I won’t take them down without some serious openness and love.

Fear is fear, and no amount of telling me not to be afraid is going to stop me from being afraid.

I need to know why I shouldn’t be afraid.

 

 

 

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The next little steps

Breakups aren’t fun. Even amicable breakups make you want to punch someone in the face at times. And it’s hard not to wallow in self pity singing “I will be forever alone” through tears. But I won’t be forever alone. I have a cat. And people think I’m joking when I say that but really, he’s quite a cool cat. Though, there’s always the chance he’ll run away. Then I have the horse, and she’s in a paddock, so she can’t actually escape. Even if she does she can’t go far because I FEED HER! *insert evil controlling laugh here*.

Today is the day I move my furniture. I’ve never really been in this point in a relationship before so I have no idea exactly how I should be feeling about it. Most of the time I’m just really happy I get my super comfy bed back to myself because I plan on spending a great deal of amazing sleeping in that thing. So I have a small amount of part time work with a pretty cool new company called Dynamic Media in Hamilton and I have a nice little to do list for YouthNet to start things rolling for that. Life appears for the most part to be on the right track. There’s still of course figuring out what I’m actually doing with it come new year…but for now I think I’ll just focus on the fact I can get a tan and ride my horse on the weekend. Once my tailbone is better of course, but for now I’ll just dream about galloping up hills while I go for runs on the beach. Yep, that’s right, I get to live by the beach for a while!

I’ve started to write a ‘single person to do list’, it’s sort of all those funny little things I’ve never done because I’ve been in a relationship since I was 17. And now at 22 and going grey, I feel it’s time I started completing some of them. Once I’ve got past number one I might add it here for you all to laugh at.

Life is under control in between the strange fits of sobbing, the angry laughing (I do hysterical laughing when I get really upset, seems to improve the situation though), the smiling and loving life, and the feeling of OH MY GOSH WHAT THE HELL AM I ACTUALLY GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW?! That last one seems to be the most prominent.

I’ll get there. I’ll figure it out. I always do. In the midst of my weirdness and feeling like my life has just sort of unraveled at my feet, I do know things will be just fine, life is going to be great. And when I get really down I just think about all the times I stood at the top of the Alps in Austria and screamed “I’M ALIVE, I’M FREAKING ALIVE!” And for all of you who know how often I fall off things…that’s actually quite a shock. So, I have an entire life to be grateful for and amazing people in it to enjoy it with.

Hello summer…I think this year we’re going to be friends.

The to do list is almost over

Tomorrow I shall clean my desk and my computer files. I may avoid using spray and wipe on the computer files, they never seem to like that much. Then again, it might solve all my problems…it deserves a good spray and wiping after its determination to destroy my sanity this year with its technological malfunctions.

The end is near.

I have organised the rubbish, I have packed two weeks worth of my gluten free snacks and go to foods for holiday, I have my suitcase out and already starting to fill, I’ve bought most of my Christmas presents, I even did the dishes.

Now it’s just the final parts of saying goodbye to this year (and cleaning the rest of the house, but that never seems to really stop needing to be done). I have to clean out the tack room and organise it all in my shed at home, start cleaning the float ready for sale, and have my car serviced…also ready for sale.

And Pip has to get to his new home all safe and sound and ready for a new life.

Next year, is going to be different. Perhaps I have lulled myself into a false sense of security…but I feel like I might actually hit the ground running for once.

Last year I was still suffering the effects of study, having had very few actual breaks and going straight into full time work, then losing granddad, buying a new horse, having my other horse have a baby horse, moving house… and so on.

I am in a house where I feel secure and stable, I have narrowed down my hobbies, and made way for friends.

Speaking of friends, I have two both getting married next year…I’m maid of honour (I think the proper title is chief bridesmaid as I am yet to be married) for both. I am very pleased and excited about this don’t get me wrong…

But I think I will a) be very prepared for when I do get married and b) might actually consider just going to a trip to the court house.

Just kidding…kinda.

I thought with two friends getting married I’d be all jealous like but I’m really not, I am excited though. But I think it’s actually installing a healthy wariness of weddings…but hey…I’ll make a great maid of honour…I’m great at organising and great at creating lists and great at budgeting!

Anyway…

Christmas is just around the corner. I still need to find a present for my brother and my boy friend. I need to finish cleaning the house. Move my horse stuff. And I’m done. I can officially switch off from life. That’s a pretty cool feeling…

I have finally made it (almost) through 2014 alive, step after painfully slow, heavy step, I’m here.

2015 feels like it’s going to be full of excitement, a bit of stress, and a whole change of tune in how I view life.

It’s going to be about fun. It’s going to be about doing well at my career, about drinking wine with friends, riding Ivy for the hell of riding, getting Mardy used to life because I can, going on trips around the Waikato to find great walks, heading into the bush as much as possible, and hopefully taking up water skiing.

This year was far too serious, it had to be at times, but I just think it’s time for a change…

If you don’t like something. Change it.

Adios!

I’m no longer going to adult anymore

Lately things haven’t been going exactly to plan. Well, it’s not that I really have a plan, so they can’t really not be going to plan, but I had ideas of how life would look by the time I turned 21. For the most part, I think life’s pretty much on track. Good boyfriend, check, place to live and call home, check, hobbies, check, full time job in a field I studied for, check. Yep, pretty much on the right path.

But this is the thing I’ve learnt about life so far, it never really feels the way you think it’s going to, and it always looks different when you live it.

By now, I thought I would have sold my horse. I mentally prepared myself for that…and it does drive me mental I haven’t while everyone else is busy selling theirs. Jealousy never has looked good on me. I thought I would have a list a mile long of places I wanted to travel to. I have a list of about five places, all of which cost too much. I have also learnt, stress never stops, but money always has a way of doing so. Whether it be the money that is stopping, or the fact the lack of money to start with is what is stopping you in the first place, it’s hard to say. I could just stop acquiring horses…that might also help the money thing.

But this is life and it’s about time I made friends with the pretty awesome one I have (this part is not sarcastic).

While I’m feeling guilty about being stuck in a rut of my fantastic life, I tend to want to stop being an adult all together.

It does have its perks though. I don’t have to cook. There is this amazing thing called a blender and you just put yum things in it and taadaaaaa, dinner. Parking fines can be paid a month after they’re due before you get into trouble. But don’t do that in the work car, then you get in trouble well before that. On payday, you feel like the richest person on earth. Until you pay rent, and for the hobbies, and the food, and the power…

Life is pretty good as an adult, apart from the decision making process.

Sometimes, in the middle of stores where I have to make large purchases, I feel like the sales people are plotting my doom with all their questions. Really, they’re just doing a good job and I probably am responsible for several peoples commissions. Don’t even get me started on those self check out things at the supermarkets. They were built to destroy my soul.

Sometimes, I just can’t human properly.

I also make up words still, I’m not sure if that’s ok as an adult?

There is nothing particularly bad about being an adult. It’s just this kind of overwhelming feeling that this, is your life, and no matter how good or bad it is, you have to live with it. That scares me.

That scares me a lot.