And the continuous turn of events continues

When 2015 began I certainly didn’t see myself finishing it broke, jobless, and single. I also found my first grey hair today and I really wish that was the worst thing that had happened in the day. But it wasn’t. As I found myself sitting in my room of my parents home, the same room I lived in from ages 9 till 17, I couldn’t help but laugh at my life. I left five years ago after a break up, I left to study journalism in Hamilton and I had roughly $2,000 to my name. I was single, I had no job, I had very little money…but I did not have a grey hair. Now, five years later, I’ve returned with the same amount of money, no job, and single. It’s like nothing has changed yet I know everything has changed.

Here’s the thing about breaking up after four years: the world is a different place to navigate than the one I went into the relationship in. For starters, I’m now at an age where it’s like, do I make the change in relationship status public or private? When do I change it because I’m not quite ready to make it ‘official’ no matter how official it is. How do you go about dating again, not that that’s really on my to do list for some time. But how do you suddenly navigate a world where you’re suddenly four years older and have grey hairs appearing? A world where there are now things like Tinder? How do you actually even start again after four years turned into “I don’t feel the same way anymore” when you’d only just been talking about engagement and spending forever together less than six months before. Exactly how is it you get up and get on with life? The first thing people ask is how am I. I’m good. I’ve just come back from an amazing round the world trip and I have my horse back, I’ve found the perfect grazing for her just down the road, I have a cat, I have opportunities. I have an entire world at my feet…so I’m good.

But at the same time I feel like a truck has run over me because when I left, what I pictured coming back to was a very different landscape. My brain is still struggling to get itself around the fact I was in France a week ago and now I’m in New Zealand now it has to adapt to a whole new world.

And how do you go from picturing green paddocks and orchards and planting a veggie garden with someone to having no idea what the next step is?

Since I’m being honest, it’s also very hard to not decide to be a crazy cat lady forever when four out of five relationships have ended with “I just don’t feel the same way anymore”. Cool as guys. Super cool.

The best part about breaking up after one of the best breakup songs to date has just dropped: you ain’t alone in those tears. Cheers Adele.

So, let me reintroduce myself because this atomic bomb that’s gone off in slow motion over the past year has left me with a ringing in my ears and an inability to breath properly. I’m Sacha. I’m going to be 22 in a week, not even that. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. And I have two weddings to be the bridesmaid for. And I’ve got a broken tail bone. And I know at some stage my heart will heal from the pain of losing people, of the family dramas, of this break up. It will get better because I have a cat and I have a horse. I have a degree. And I’m still standing. Because I’m yet to find something in my 22 years that’s left me unable to get up again. That atomic bomb has sent me flying and I’ve probably cried more tears in the past 12 months than I’ve cried in my entire life. But it means I can still feel and the ringing in my ears is slowly easing and the dust is settling. And I’m going to be just fine.

Let’s do that again. I’m Sacha, I’ll be 22 shortly, I’ve travelled the world, I have a degree in communications (ironic at times), I have a diploma in journalism. I have a passion for helping people and I’m thinking about retraining and figuring out how to put all my skills to good use. I’m part of this cool organisation called YouthNet designed to help bridge gaps to see our youth suicide rate improve, actually I’d like us not to have one. I love to do yoga. I love God. I have an awesome horse called Ivy and a cat called Charlie, he’s a bit like me: he’s been through a bit of bullshit so he’s not too sure on the being too close to people thing, but he loves pats and he seems to love me. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in my life right now. I have a clean slate, I have a whole world ahead of me and I can do what I want with it. And I damn well will do just that. I can do that.

So to all the newly singles out there, cheers to you. And all those in great relationships: appreciate them.

Common, let’s do this.

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This is life now

Life has not been easy this past year, it’s been good, but far from easy. You know that feeling when you’re nearly at the finish line, but you just have to push a little bit longer to get there? Your legs feel like deadweights and you’re gasping for breath with every step you take?

Yep, that’s right where I am in my race to the end of the year. It’s also how I felt walking up a large hill this weekend.

Today, I had a fight with the onions. No, not because they make me cry, because I’m one of these weird people who doesn’t cry when cutting onions…I’m not sure what that means about me as a person… but I certainly took my anger out on that onion. The skin didn’t want to peal off it and I made my point. The dinner I made with it was delicious however.

I think I’ve just got a bit carried away in all the coping and the dealing with whatever life throws, and the loving things, that I forgot to really figure out what life is now.

I went to church the other day with my grandparents, I don’t seem to go to church often now…I didn’t really think much about why I don’t anymore, until I was there. There is something about being in church that makes you face who you really are and what you’ve been hiding from.

Because my default is to hide, and deal, and cope, alone, I struggle with facing things.

Anyway, the sermon was on weathering storms. Yep, I’d say this year has been one hell of a cyclone, and I’m pretty tired of hanging in there, waiting for the rain to stop.

I planted a veggie garden yesterday. This is home now, this is my life, this is how things are going to be for at least the next year.

To tell you the honest truth, I think the hard part of this year has been coming to terms with my past, it has been facing what I want and who I am. It is the reality of now and life. I think it’s easy to get so caught up in what you want to be and what you want from life, you don’t stop to think about what it is when you actually get there.

What is it like to move on? What is it like to remember all the pain? What is it like to heal? What is it like to have a home after six moves in four years? To have the life I’ve always fought for?

What is it like to finally stop running from things?

And then the hardest question of all, where to now? I don’t want to move from this spot, but I know there will come a time when I have to. But not now, not yet, because I’m just coming to terms with my life how it is, and it would be nice to stay a while.

I’m also coming to the end of a very good TV programme, and that makes me emotional.

So does this song, but it’s a very good song.

It’s the next chapter

FOR THE BLOG

So last night, after I wrestled the bacon bone soup out of the freezer and the chicken drumsticks escaped and attacked my foot, I struggled to sleep.

The bacon bone soup was good, exactly what you need when you’re fighting the flu and unable to sleep.

I was thinking to myself ‘seriously dude, just close your eyes and sleep!’

It’s not my brain’s fault. Life has been what I would call a white water adventure as of late.

My grandfather is dying, I’m selling my horse – evidently that means no more horse riding for a while, my other horse is having a foal and I am seriously out of my depth, I’m moving house, I’ve been revisiting old wounds with an ex, and work is full on – but good.

So really, my brain doesn’t really have much of a shot at being ok lately.

To tell you the truth, I think it’s doing pretty damn well.

Stories for work this week have been some of the best since I started working, I have loved the research and the interviews. But one in particular about family violence has stirred up a few past hurts (NOT with my own family!). The problem with me, is I don’t really move on from things until I talk about it. I need to talk to figure it out. The other person doesn’t even have to say much, they just need to understand.

The problem with this particular time in my life, is there is only one person who actually can understand it. So it’s back to the past I go.

There is this whole folder in my brain reserved for ‘2010, when things fell apart in a rather impressive way’.

I got it together thank goodness.

But it doesn’t make it all go away. It just makes you pretend it’s not there.

That’s not healthy.

So I’m being brave and actually drawing lines and treading carefully on very broken glass. But with the mix of everything that’s going on at the moment, I choose to slip into a world of good drama TV shows.

This is definitely the start of another chapter for me.

But I have absolutely no idea where I am going. I have an idea of what I want and what will be there, but it’s making the sentences that scares the living daylights out of me. Because it is the first time in my life I’m not ignoring anything. I’m not trying to ‘escape’. I am facing my fears and I am doing what I know is best for not just me, but the people around me.

So, here is to the next step.

Sore foot from chicken fights, green juice because I hate chewing my greens, cups of tea to sooth the hurts, and good TV shows to take my mind off it all when I just need a break.

It might not seem like a lot from the outside, but it’s a huge amount to me. And I’m ok with saying that. Everyone fights their own battles in their own time, and this is my time and my battle.

But I’m going to win.

Because it’s my life, and I want better than what I’ve been giving myself.

Seeing my ex was the best thing for my relationship

Ok past, I’ve got a bone to pick with you on this one. How much forgiving, moving on, running away, escaping, closing my eyes, etc do I need to do to get rid of you? I mean, okay there all these sayings like “things don’t leave until they’ve taught you all you need to learn” and then the one above. I get it. I’m meant to keep taking things from it. But there is a line and I think we’ve reached it.

I was tossing up whether or not to write about this on here… I do have SOME personal sharing boundaries… but then I saw this picture and though, why the hell not? So now, here is my little spiel.

Seeing my ex was one of the best things I could have done for my current relationship. Yeah, I am fully aware I am going back on 95% of what I have been harping on about lately, but I do change my mind on my opinions regularly. When a mutual friend got us back in touch I had mixed feelings. I am well aware most people will read this and ask why I was bothering talking to an ex at all, and assume my current partner had an issue with it (he doesn’t). But just hold your fire. Our strange and roller-coaster off a cliff sort of relationship was one that not even I understand. I mean, when he whipped out quotes like “cheating isn’t that bad” last night I couldn’t help but stare at him, and my 17-year-old self in disbelief… Uhmm… what exactly is more destructive in a relationship? I mean, yes there is abuse, but cheating really is a form of emotional abuse. So, I reiterate, he hasn’t changed. 

This is a very satisfying fact to realize, anyone who argues the contrary quite seriously must have either been blind and deaf or did not know him during the time I did. No longer smoking dope is sort of ruled out by doing other drugs? And yes, cheating is really THAT bad. That is all beside my point though. I knew all of that well before I saw him again.

What it did teach me though, as a) I have possibly the most incredible boyfriend in the world and b) no wonder I don’t put up with crap from people any more. I dealt with a life times amount and I am now allergic. Or just a little more clued up. So, if someone tells me they are going to see their ex, I would encourage it. If there is still a spark there… well I have no help on that one, don’t really have that problem. BUT it does teach you an incredible amount about your past self, and your current self. The contrast was for me, in fact staggering. Growing up doesn’t even begin to explain it. It made me realise how smart I was to leave when I did and form this incredible, exciting, and fantastic life with people in it that build me up, not take away from who I am. It is healing too, to no longer resent someone for what they’ve done to you, but rather have no respect for them because of who they still are. To be able to move on, even if the past does keep following you around, sometimes you have to make a decision to keep it behind you, move on, and keep walking. Just because your past comes back, doesn’t mean you have to let it in. The lesson: I am a stronger, better, whole, fulfilled person and I am incredibly glad for the people I have in my life now, and I know exactly why I chose them. You choose the people who come into your life, make sure you make the right decision. 

Monkey toes

I think I just broke my toe. This is probably not surprising, with a likeness to our jungle buddies – the monkeys they stick out, part of the reason I was a good tree climber as a kid. I’ve broken one or two of them before. It’s the only bone I’ve ever broken. Horses just seem to like to stand on them. Equally as frustrating they seem to like reaching out and grabbing onto solid objects. They just sort of get in the way. This time I kicked my draw really, really hard, now I can’t feel it… or move it. To make it matters worse I don’t even have a plaster to stop the bleeding. 

And to make it even worse… the first thing that came to my mind was ‘I should blog about this’. I have become one of those people. Why would I even think that! I mean who actually wants to know about the fact my toe hurts an unbelievable amount. Perhaps it is because I have no one here to hear me scream really loudly so I just mouth the words *@&#$^%&#^@&*!* or something along those lines in the mirror that stands above the draws I hit my toe on. There is something really sad about having no one around to hear you scream when you kick your toe. 

This is what solitude does to me. It makes me crazy. Seriously crazy. I think I need help… and not because of the toe I still can’t feel.

 

Writing someone else’s pain.

It’s sad, writing a story that really does not have any chance of a happy ending. Or more so, the fact that you are the only chance they will have at a small justification for them. To tiny ity-bitty right in all the wrongs. 

I think that’s the hard part in being a journalist, is when you have a duty, a specific agenda but you have to remain unbais. When you have to be impartial to something you want to have a strong opinion on. 

I love it but at the same time it makes me sad to see other people suffer, and to know they’ve suffered for so long and you can’t really do much to cushion that pain.

I am of course referring to the article I have sort of told you all about lately, I have reached my word count but I still have so much more to tell! The story is not a small one. It is not really one you can square up and stick in a box. It’s someone’s suffering, pain and desperation. You are writing that on a page for them. That’s pretty crazy. I love it. But it is pure madness that we as journalists have that power. The power to pick apart how someone feels and the chuck it- throw it onto a page and hope it is interpreted in the way we interpreted it. 

So, due to my devotion to this story I have seriously over worked my brain. It’s going to sleep right here. Brain off button, happening, now. AH! 

On that note, an in absolute dire need of a good night sleep before I head to Horse Of the Year. I am off to bed! Goodnight and farewell, I shall be back again tomorrow.

Exhausted.