Hello world! Gosh I feel like I’ve been in some sort of hibernation! I’m not entirely sure why I’ve slacked off on the blogging. Perhaps it’s kind of become like my once loved dairy: occasionally paid attention to, but usually only to write bad stuff. I was going to do something clever with that…I thought there could be a cool metaphor there (I’m all about those metaphors and similes)…but then I remembered I’m tired, I’ve been studying psychology or I’ve written away my life and have finger cramp from work. Clever metaphors don’t really happen when I’m tired, or they fall seriously flat and people just feel sorry for me.
I started a new gym yesterday. It was as terrifying as one might imagine. I find gyms incredibly frightening. If you wander around trying to find everything and it’s not in the place you want and you stop and stare around with this panicked look on your face…everyone turns to look at you like the zombies look at humans on the walking dead. I want to resist the urge to throw my water bottle and phone at them with a ‘ah! This is too hard!’
But it’s ok. Sam was there and because he looks like he belongs in a gym, I felt safe…secure. Like the gym zombies were not going to come after me should I make a wrong move.
But I now have a sore back. Because I did back yesterday. I have a weak lower back and I’m crying a little inside about that right now.
So I was reading back through my blog (I only read 2015 because anything before that is just plain embarrassing… have a read if you want a laugh), and I realised a year a go today (cheers Facebook!) I was planning my overseas trip, my cat buttons had to be put down, one of my horses I sold had to be put down, I lost my cat Snuggie, and I sold my foal.
The point of mentioning that is I wrote a big post about ‘letting go’ this time last year. I was going to write a big spiel about how ‘I’ve come so far with letting go’ because I can deal with someone else riding my horse and be happy about it (a year ago only two people had ridden her during the six years I had owned her, and that was one ride each… so…)
By letting go I mean letting go of control. So, you see, pretty much, with my brain being super tired I’m not going to attempt to write a big long, super inspirational blog about it because in all honestly, I’m still terrible at it.
Two years ago, and it was well documented on here, I had what I would call the start of a breakdown. It wasn’t terrible, most people weren’t super aware of it. Just I had this over whelming urge to escape. A lot of that came because everything felt ‘out of my control’. I was a mess; sobbing each night to friends and family about how I ‘just couldn’t do it anymore’.
In hindsight, now I’m studying counselling, I probably should have seen a counsellor. But ya know, dropping everything and going around the world works too.
Here’s the thing though… it felt out of my control and it WAS out of my control. There was a fairly good list of crappy things that just weren’t going well and the things that were going well I didn’t feel equipped to manage. I needed to leave and it turned out to be the best thing for me. But I think it’s taught me a very valuable snippet of knowledge: it’s all out of your control.
In my study I recently learnt about flow…if people have challenges they can rise to and they feel equipped or able to do so, they achieve flow (it’s a good state of mind is what I’ve gathered). If the challenge is too much for the persons perceived ability to handle it, or if the challenge is not enough, that is when you get someone who is unproductive/frustrated or stressed. (I mainly added this in here so I can prove to myself I’m learning stuff and actually start remembering it…forgive me if it’s only 90% accurate)
Dad always says (kind of, the follow quote I actually found on a quote site thingy): “Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it”.
It is true. I will accept that. But it’s damn hard! It’s hard to be happy and positive when, while I enjoy my job, I don’t feel like it’s as challenging as it could be, where I feel study is too challenging and it’s damn scary! It’s easy to fall into the mindset of ‘panic, I’m stressed!’ I am not at all achieving flow in any areas of my life. Currently I’m studying motivation and emotion for my final exam, so I’ll bore you all with that next blog.
I am, at the moment, constantly in a battle with my mind of ‘it’s ok, you are capable’ and ‘take a moment to breathe, now start from the beginning’ and ‘I WANNA MAKE IT ALL STOP. I QUIT BEING A GROWN UP!’ The last part is usually said (silently so people think I’m kind of normal) in my head with the picture of me throwing a tantrum on the ground.
It takes a great amount of determination to remind myself day in, day out that I need to a) be patient and wait until the doors start to open..quit trying to pound them down and b) appreciate life being momentarily slower than usual and c) do as much with what I have right now and d) I will get my chance to make a change and a difference, I’m just in a growth phase.
That all might sound cheesy, but it’s true. Some moments are ‘go moments’ and some are ‘whoa moments’. There are times I am riding my horse and we focus on the boring stuff: learning how to listen, how to relax, how to work correctly. Then there are the moments we throw it all out the window and go as fast as we can…but I always know in those moments I’ve put the work in to learn, so when I need an automatic and immediate response to a problem while going a million miles an hour…I have it. There are also the moments, like in the jumping ring, where it’s a combination of give it your all, but use the lessons every step of the way and the more you know, the more you achieve.
Right now I’m in a whoa moment. It’s not the time to be going as fast as I can taking in everything around the world, testing my responses. It’s the time to focus and learn and listen…and wait. There will be another go moment.
And I need to remind myself of that.