Let go of the rope, breathe

Winter is finally here. It has wrapped its cool, comforting fingers around my face and I’m settling into a routine. I love winter. There is plenty to love about summer sure; long nights, festivals, parties, friends, less work, people have more energy. But winter is my one true love and always has been. There is just something stunning about waking up to a crisp morning, dressing warmly for the day and slipping out the door. I heap blankets on my bed, snuggle up and watch movies on weekends, hit the mountains snowboarding; winter is a time of family, fun, and peace for me. Oh and cuddles. Can’t beat a nice cuddle on a wintry day.

I was chatting to a friend this morning who’s off running around the world again. He’s off to Barcelona shortly. I’m jealous! I’d love to be off to Barcelona…or anywhere for that matter. But as we were chatting I did realise something, I’m remarkably comfortable with life. It’s been an adjustment, a really big one, over the past year and a half from loosing granddad, leaving journalism, to travelling, to the adjustment of coming back home. But suddenly, as I was chatting to Sam last night, I realised, actually, it’s time to let it all go.

Today is the first day I’ve felt ‘at home’ since I came back. It’s the first day I’ve looked around and realised my new normal is incredible. No it’s not quite as spectacular as travelling to Barcelona, but it’s lovely.

I have an incredible relationship, the sort I wake up each day and can’t believe my luck. I have a cute cat and he’s all mine, I’m loving my study, I’m good at my job and I’m enjoying it, my horse is happy and I can snuggle her every now and then. My stress levels are at an all time low and I’m feeling at peace.

It’s time to let go now of the past, of talking about it, of processing it. I am finally at a stage I’m really happy to not be moving on, but to have moved on.

Everyone adjusts to life at different paces, and I think I was struggling to accept I had indeed created the kind of life I craved, the kind of peace and happiness I’d never really allowed myself, the friendships that I envied in other people. It doesn’t need changing anymore, because what I have is everything I need.

This counselling paper I’m doing at the moment is interesting. As I work further through it and read more I can feel myself start to just relax. I’ve been able to feel on a deeper level, appreciate on a greater level, and love in a way I thought was only reserved for people who were naïve.

Essentially just get over the crap (putting it in a less airy fairy way, cause I think I’ve been dealing with too many marketing and psychology words lately!).

Love doesn’t have to have walls and precautions, work doesn’t have to be stressful, study can be enjoyable.

Life being simple can be a good thing. Let it be simple, let it be peaceful, let it be lovely.

I feel an overwhelming sense of freedom…and I didn’t realise a relationship could feel like that. I want to travel more, and I can travel, I want to explore a range of careers and move around, and I can do that, I want to write a book, I can do that.

No I’m not travelling the world or seeing incredible things or saving lives right now. But I’ll get there again at some point. There is a time and place for everything, and right now my time and place is here, with the people I have and with the things I’m doing.

I rush too much.

I’m learning to deal with that.

My room is a beautiful little haven now, Sam’s flatmates are a good laugh and I like being able to hijack them as my friends for the snowboarding season since mine have all run off to new places, I’m so lucky to be able to spend more time with my mum and dad now I’m living at home and see my little brother grow up a bit more, I’m lucky I’m just around the corner from my grandparents, and I love having Sam so close he can just come around for dinner.

I think I’ve been trying to hide from the happy emotions. I never wanted to move back to Tauranga, but what I wanted and what I needed were two very different things. I’ve been stubborn about admitting that. I feel at home here now. I love being here.

It’s taken me by surprise that I can in fact have the things in a relationship and in life that I’ve been craving and it’s actually not hard.

In a lot of ways, and we all already know this, it’s perspective over situation. My situation hasn’t changed since last week, or even yesterday, but my sudden realisation that I don’t need to be on the defensive toward my life and never allow myself to enjoy it for what it is, has changed my attitude.

Life now is an incredible amount better than what I’d planned. So I’ll admit it once again, because I tend to forget this lesson I’ve learnt: stop planning, start living, start enjoying, and go where it takes you.

And breathe. I don’t do that nearly enough.

 

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Season greetings and wonderful blessings.

I feel sick with happiness. I do not know how that is possible, but I feel it. It has been a long, hard and tiresome year with some incredible ups and some very low lows. But now, here, in the real world with a real degree and with a real job and my own car that I paid for and soon my own horse that I paid for living with people I am getting to know on my own, it feels pretty good. I still can not shake the “but I’m a student!” excuse that pops out of my mouth when someone thinks I’m being cheap. I simply can not bring myself to buy something full price, even if it is a good price and a good product. Something inside me screams “you don’t need to pay $200 for a pair of shoes!” So I haven’t. I feel as though there is almost something wrong with me? 

Perhaps I have just not gotten used to the real world. It has not fully sunken in that this, what I am living right now, is not a dream, it is not a holiday or and internship or temporary, this, is my life. 

It feels like someone else’s life that I have just borrowed for a little while, just until I am ready to go back to my own one. I am so blessed and I simply do not know how to feel about it. I just want to go around yelling “I HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE AND GOD IS AMAZING!” I feel though, that I may be locked up pretty quickly, as my yelling would probably also entail jumping, leaping, and hugging random people. I would not blame someone for mistaking me as a mad woman. In all honest truth, I kind of am. 

Sometimes, the blessings are on their way. It doesn’t matter how tough or how abandoned you feel, there is always going to be a good spot, you just have to wait it out. I know, just as well as the next person does, that this won’t last forever, bad things will eventually happen. When they do, I will fall apart again, but it makes it so much easier to pick myself back up knowing that things do eventually work out. 

Because it is truly beautiful and wonderful moments that make you realise it is all worth it, just for that little incredible moment where you know, deep in your heart, that you are happy and you are loved. 

Christmas is on its way, I do love this season. 

Here comes the next phase

Packing up my house this time is a little sad. Normally when I begin to pack it is full of excitement with what lies ahead for me and Melissa. This time, we’re moving our own ways. I’m still excited for a new house, and a new phase of life but the knowledge that this is the end of spending almost every waking moment together, the good and the bad ones, is hard to digest. Bitter sweet I think it is. 

My packing piles seem to have gotten far smaller. With each move I have narrowed down on the amount of ‘it could be handy in the future’ hoarding habits, with each house I have also gotten tidier and more OCD. This has left me with a very easy packing job. My room is pretty much packed (except the clothes I wear a lot), the linen is packed, the desk has been narrowed down from 4 boxes to two, one for me and one to be stored at my very obliging boyfriends house. 

Now it’s just the plates and the big things and of course the tug of war between me and Melissa for past flatmates left behind items and I’m done. Phase one of life, done. 

It is terrifying. To be honest I’m doing a fairly average job at putting it into words but daunting would be a good start. 

I got my swipy key for the office, my business cards and my first office photo. I am completely out of my depth. But I know that’s not going to be a problem when I get my head around it. I’ve just got to get my head around it. It being the fact I will be working, five days a week, eight hours a day for however long I do. I will be living in this city for a while and I know very few people here and summer is not nice in an inland city. My flatmate and best friend will be leaving. I will be living with strangers and then alone. 

It is hard to be excited when there are so many things to miss. But, at the same time I am looking forward to being part of a work place, to fit somewhere and to do a job and get paid. Stepping up in the world was always going to be scary, but I did not expect this strange whirlwind of happiness, excitement and terror in one big emotional tornado. 

Heading up north with my partner, the dog and the boat for five days is going to be a wonderful escape. Just time enough to get my head together before embarking on this journey into untouched territory…

Please let there be no lions.

A three year difference

Three years is a big difference. Perhaps not between when you start your fist year of primary school and when you complete year three. But the more ‘serious’ life becomes the more three years makes a difference. My little sister has begun to get all excited about moving out of home next year. With only two months of this one left, that is not that far away. She is fizzing with all the exciting prospects and adventures she is about to embark on. New friends, a new city, new study, new home. New everything. It is exciting that first year. 

Then my ‘when I was in first year’ begins and I can tell my sister is secretly thinking ‘she sounds so old!’ Perhaps not so secretly, when I said tonight that my idea of a good celebration was sleeping, she told me I was old. I’m not old. My life is just beginning, but it is a whole new stage of life. One far, far away from the one she is about to embark on. Hers will be full of memories she will probably quickly forget, people who will play a vital role but will eventually vanish, driving at all hours of the night, doing things you shouldn’t do and just being young, fresh, living. While she packs up her bedroom to move it into a much smaller almost closet sized room and dreams about fast cars, late nights, no rule and feeling invincible, I figure out the cost of living on my own wage, how much tax is deducted and when I will be able to buy a horse and a house. 

We are only three years apart and most of the time I forget there is even an age gap. Best buddies and sisters is something you rarely come across, but we are two peas in a pod, two very different peas in one pod. But it is strange to hear her talking and bubbling about things I’d almost forgotten I did. Growing up and moving on I think, is when you stop pining for what was exciting and new in the past, and start looking ahead to what goodie bag of life is about to hand out. 

I certainly will love having her close, even if it does mean feeling old. But while I am excited for her, I don’t miss being in that position. Because I am, right now, in the position I have always dreamt about. ‘When I was younger’ I always thought when I got a job and had my own house and a serious relationship and a cat, life would be complete. And it is, for now. 

My boyfriend told me the other day things with us were no different than when we first met. I quickly pointed out that things were completely different. And they are, but in the best way possible. Life just sort of changed and we changed with it. But the best kind of change, is the progressive kind that you never really notice. It just happens. 

That is when you know you are really part of life. 

And you’re growing up with it. 

 

Hard slogger

I got my first job. They called me last week but it has taken a little while to sink in. I’m not going to lie, this has been a hard year, and anyone who has been consistently reading my blog will probably agree it’s been up and down. But it has all been worth it. Every extra hour spent interning, which I did enjoy, was worth it. Even though they were great internships with amazing people, it still wasn’t home and it wasn’t relaxing on my sofa with my cat. But it was worth it. Hours of working for free were worth it. I did it. I have nearly been in tears several times lately in pure disbelief. 

I realised what it meant to feel relief. Total utter relief washed over me. I was like this weird kid who had stolen a joint the older brother had hidden in the couch. Vegged out took a whole new meaning this weekend. And I loved it. It has been not just been a tough year work wise. I’ve had to give up competing, my grandfather got cancer, my uncle has battled with a brain tumour, the effects of nana’s death were evident and the recession certainly left its mark in many ways. To finally get here, to this place, is overwhelming. I kinda get what it feels like when they yell move that bus in extreme home makeover and they see their new house for the first time. Completely overwhelming joy that it got better. 

I mean I still have to start the job and do well. But I got to this point so I can most definitely keep going. 

It’s weird how the human brain can deal with things. At the time, you just get through it step by step and you don’t stop or look back because you cannot. You have to just take it all in. Then you reach the other side and you get to take a look back at how far you came. And it is like, I just can not believe I just made it through that patch of alligators and black bears (not sure what they’re doing living together, in my mind, it worked). 

Life has managed to throw plenty my way, and in the process teach me enough to be so glad it didn’t really hold back. When you fall off the horse you don’t roll around in the dirt throwing a temper tantrum, you get back up, dust yourself off and you get-back-on. 

Phase two of life, here we come.

Happiness is infectious

Reinventing yourself. Never really got this when people used to talk about ‘changing’. I just thought it was all hot air. Now I’ve jumped in on this reinventing thing. 

When I came back from Auckland I thought yes, some thing has to change. It’s simply got to get better. And it has. No, it is not perfect. I am still stressed, worries that I may not pass shorthand, concerned with all the small assignments that creep up on me like some crazy stalker in the middle of the night. But I’m ok with it. 

I’ve started running. While yes, I still sometimes feel like I’m dying it is getting better. I’m loving it. The feeling of getting out, doing something, being fit. Feeling like you’re on top of the world. Running past people and some of them look at you the way I used to look at people who ran – envy that they could do it! Others just look at me like I’m loony wanting to put my body through something like that. I don’t blame those people. 

The best part is I’m wearing very little if any make-up when I run. This might seem weird to some people, that’d I’d wear it at all. I’d like to not even have to think about it. But as someone who has battled terrible skin for several years now it just becomes second nature.

Get up, wash your face, put on concealer, pray it stays on, cover with foundation and then a nice layer of finishing powder. It’s just what you do to feel good about yourself. I admire people who don’t have to and envy those who have great skin. Now though, things have been getting better. My health is on the right track and my skin is clearing up and I’m no longer feeling like a thunder cloud is attached to me. 

I feel good.

Surrounded by people who are genuinely amazing, finding new hobbies and obsessions, eating well and enjoying life – that is something that is harder to gain than most people think.

I appreciate it.

This reinvention of myself is good, perhaps people might not see it but I can feel it. A deep bubbly happiness that life is in fact beautiful. It is what you make of it and as long as you have people to help you up when you feel like you’ve fallen off the cliff of happiness, it is ok. 

It’s all going to be ok.

It’s all going to be great.

Little happy buz

I have been in a really good mood lately. Not the weird happy highs that soon end in a rather tragic fall to the bottom of a cliff. But good good. In a good space and it is a nice feeling! Perhaps it is that something has changed, perhaps it is just life is fantastic. I’m not too sure but I like it. A lot.

Due to this progressive excitement I have gone a little crazy with my song downloading. My taste in music is somewhat unusual. Happy yet odd, then a little bit of something else. I have also concluded the word ‘that’ needs to go. It is pretty useless as a word. I also use it far too much. This was concluded by my while writing stories in my head before I fell asleep after my tutor kindly pointed it out to me. I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE.

Being a journalist is awesome. And that is not sarcastic.

It’s a weird profession you can do almost anything with, limitless. Exciting! Then there is the people you get to meet and the things you learn.

Cue weird smile.

We’re off to see the movies… the wonderful movies with me

As I am swiftly approaching 20 the life cycle of movies has come full swing. I love the story line, the animations, the cute voices and the general innocent hilarity a good kids movie is. The problem is I often don’t have anyone to go with. I mean I could go with my boyfriend (who is probably the only person I have ever met more into kids movies than me…) but he lives an hour away and not close to any theatres. Therefore, I am often alone in my desire to go and see a childs movie.

I could go alone but the looks and the mothers scurrying their children away from me… not my cup of tea.

So, you can imagine my delight when my 8 year old cousin said to me ‘my friend got to see despicable me 2!’ ‘Oh I really want to see it! *quotes numerous lines from the shorts*’. My face lit up, my eyes bright, my ears perked. I had a little person to take to the movies! With this, I gleefully asked her parents if I could take her to the movies for her birthday. They said of course, the only reason she doesn’t go more often is because they don’t like kids movies. 

I have decided I may just have to make a special trip to Auckland to take her to the movies. It’s a win win really. Her friend who does not seem like a nice little person goes on and on about things by the sound of it. So she can take that! My little cousin is going to get the cup and toy and see it in 3D!..

And of course once my defensive stuck up small child hater side has subsided, I just really want to see the movie.

We’re going tonight and I can’t wait!

 

Life is good.

Cold morning- refreshing though. A sleep in! 8.35. I wake with joy for the prospect that today might be wonderful. It’s a friday… I’m meant to have fridays off. Journalism never stops. That ok. Back out to the river to report once again. I’m going to be late. It doesn’t even matter! 

I breathe… Hay I’d forgotten I could do that. 

The sun is shinning, the clock is ticking… the birds are possible chirping… not that I can hear them. 

I even have time to make breakfast… scrambled eggs and semolina! 

Life is good. 

Life is really good guys.

Journey of a journalist: Part 3.

Sweat. Oh I really do hate it. Summer, perhaps that is why I hate you too. My shoes slide off. Of course they pick the worst moments to do so, like when trying to walk- head held high, trying to look at grown up- to an interview and off it goes. Just like that it leaps off my foot and hurtles itself toward freedom. I swiftly snatch it back and stomp like a small child beating the spider that just bit them. They are now in check. 

Then of course theres hands. I mean how are you meant to feel confident about shaking someone’s hand if its all gross and sweaty and sticky and just not nice! 

Yes these may seem like insignificant problems but let me assure you, they are of dire importance as a journalist. You must look and act proper at all times… hmm perhaps I am really in the wrong career based on that theory. 

Anyway. So far in my journey I have discovered that; journey has an e, I hate sweat, heat and computers without spell check. 

My tips so far; silence is the best question you can ever use. Seriously, shut up and just wait. People actually hate it. So they talk some more. It’s in these; really awkward feeling like I’m as ridged as a newly cut post, kind’ve like I want to escape whatever strange need to blurt something stupid out moments, that I get my best and most sincere quotes. Yea I did kind’ve steal the idea off someone, however I am claiming the success of its application in my own journalistic adventures. 

Always, and I mean always, have ‘you’ve run out of cleaver things to ask or say, these will save you from looking like a complete tosser’ questions, without fail, they will save you. Every time. 

And of course, the stupid stuff they taught you in school about proof reading? Yea well… do it. Or in my case, just feel like a dumbass because you were too lazy to make sure you spelt suggest correctly when sending an email to the editor in residence. I still probably, will not proofread this.

When you decide to sit and write. Actually do. Don’t stop until everything worth writing down is out of your head and on the page. I meant it.

So while I am far off becoming world famous for something stupid I said or a silly quote I took the wrong way and consequently sued for it but too rich and well known to care, I am learning, and it is actually really fun.

The good time are out weighing the bad and the hectic mad house amount of things I have to get done is looking a little achievable. I will get there. I will have my breakdowns, but I will not stop. I’m better than that.

Bring it on journalism world!