Fuzz ball

I went out last night. A sophisticated pizza and beer then a couple of cocktails at a bar with great company kind of night. Being a Wednesday and the fact I simply do not bounce back like I used to (I more fall and just sort of stay there now), I chose to sober drive myself home afterwards. This mean one and a half drinks over the course of 3 and 1/2 hours with pizza (that I shouldn’t have eaten). 

The sad part of it all, with all my responsibility; getting 7 hours sleep, staying sober, driving home… I still feel like someone hit the slow motion button today. I do blame the sore neck from last weeks car crash, for my headache and it is possible that my lack of sleep from just not being able to sleep over the last week, could be why I want to be a small child and carry around a blankey and just nap. Never the less I deem it unfair. 

So armed with ‘revive’ tea, green tea, and ‘boost’ (like berocca) I feel a slight pick up in my average speed. From incredibly painfully slow to just sort of getting there kind of slow. I have a lot to get done today so I need to eventually up it to fast forward. But there doesn’t look like there is much hope for me at all. Friday might be my day? 

For the first time in a long time, I feel revived (despite my not so bubbly appearance today). 

I have spoken to several people lately who feel worn out, and like they want to give up. I wanted to shout “I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THIS WORLD THAT WANTS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND HIDE THERE AT TIMES WHEN I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!” at the top of my lungs when I heard them say that. It’s actually a normal human behaviour to feel like you’ve had enough. 

This made me feel excited. 

Not because I’ve had enough of life right now, but because I was there, right where they are now, last year. And now I’m here. And it’s not the end, or the peak, or ‘the moment’. I’m happy, complete, satisfied. I don’t feel like you can ask for much more than that? 

 

 

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Lonely habits

I am a creature of habit. Unfortunately, or perhaps not so unfortunately, I pick up certain habits from people I talk to a lot, or spend time with. Normally they are the thing’s a I either hate or notice because they annoy me. Then, just like that, I take them on. It drives me nutty.

According to my mother I have charisma, oh course because mum has to say nice things to me I try not to be overly happy about this compliment. But I like to think I do either way. I don’t know if the habits that make me, me are learnt or if they are in fact me. One thing is for certain I have not changed much since I was a small kid. I’ve just become a bigger and much more vibrant version of it.

It makes me wonder though, how many things we never notice about ourselves? Other than the annoying things we don’t want to notice, I mean the good things that we simply have no understanding of. The things that make other people smile and take their breath away. I have always wanted to spend a day in someone else’s shoes, just figuring out what makes me tick. I don’t even know what makes me tick. Perhaps that is the magic though.

You meet someone and their magic works with yours, like these amazing electric sparks going off around you and you just have no idea. Those ‘I totally get what you mean!’ moments when you suddenly realize you’re actually not alone in all your madness. 

This just really sweeps me off my feet in amazement. How complex we are as human beings. 

Alone time does this to me, thinking. I like it though, when I’m happy thinking. I have narrowed down my urge to bake and decided I will attempt doughnuts tomorrow. I have also decided to start running in the morning. That probably wont happen, like cutting my hair short, but hey, the thought counts right? 

P.s I have forgiven my new hair dresser, I think I like the way it is now. It curls!

Jealousy my old friend.

Jealousy is a funny thing. It the little green monster that creeps its way through a relationship slowly eating it from the inside out. Ok thats kind’ve gross. But it really is the best way to describe the kind of destruction it can cause.

I’m easily angered, especially by things that are a direct dig at my self-esteem. Most of the time I find it funny. Sometimes I find it surprising, but almost all of the time it catches me out. I tend to get angered and pissy before I can even realize that its the little green monster working its way back into my relationships.

I’m not the jealous type. I am however, very competitive. This tends to end up with me intentionally making people jealous, in order to win. What ever strange competition that may be. It’s not that I’m not jealous because I’m an ‘up myself little fairy’ its more because I don’t often care enough to be jealous. Oh that sounds shockingly terrible! But I said I’d be honest on here.

So, my point in all this late night gabble. Jealously can be a tooting fruiting beeper that really does get in the way of realizing -you’re actually pissing someone off!- If they’re jealous, sometimes it means you’re winding them up. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way, I don’t think it’s always a one sided thing. I think sometimes you’ve just got to catch it before it escalates into something mind bogglingly, soul eating destructiveness.

Worse than the bogey man.