#atleastIhavemywine #Ishouldprobablybloglessaboutwine #andstopusinghashtags

Ok so I know I’ve been really slack with my blog posting…but there is a reason. I think. Well, it’s an excuse. Despite what it may seem like (while you’re all sitting there cringing while reading about my life) I’m really crappy at talking about how I feel. I’m quite good at getting other people to talk about how they do, and I’m good at talking enough about mine to cover up the fact I’m not really saying or admitting anything. To be fair, it was something I’d never really noticed before I met Sam. I knew I liked to keep stuff to myself, but I never realised how MUCH stuff I liked to keep to myself.

Pretty much the more I like someone, the less I can tell them. AND IT’S REALLY DRIVING ME NUTS. And preventing me from blogging honestly, which really then means blogging at all is pointless.

(I’ve decided to capitalize random things in this post…and also put random editing notes in brackets through it to stop me from editing the actual content)

After a breakup I tend to reflect on all the things I could have done better. I don’t mean I sit there blaming myself, I just like to improve on things. I don’t think anyone is ever a complete person; we’re always growing. So it makes sense to use every opportunity to improve things when you can.

So I know this is something I REALLY need to work on. Up until this point I’ve been drawn to people who like to open up quickly and easily. I often find people who are in need of someone to talk to; someone to trust. I think, because it makes it easier to hide behind how they feel and what they say… essentially it means I never have to ACTUALLY admit what I feel, we can just keep the focus on them until I slip under the radar and people forget to ask. It’s rather unhealthy. But it’s been my safety net, and I think it’s why I never completely fall in love. I never let my walls down completely. It’s a personality thing.

Now I’m in this part of my life where I am growing up and if I want the kind of relationships that come with that; ones that will last and are built on decent foundations, I’m going to have to get over it and learn how to be a grown up with how I process feelings.

I don’t mind if people keep some things to themselves, I don’t get upset about someone’s feelings not matching mine, I don’t get clingy or jealous easily… but that also comes obviously with negatives too, and that is the inability to completely fall for someone or let my guard down. I filter everything I say. It’s a good and a bad thing. I’ve always needed to filter who I am for people to be ok with me.

And I’m not keen to keep living like that.

So I grew some balls and had a decent chat to Sam last night and I’m really glad I did. Because I’m learning, it’s baby steps, but I’m learning to stop holding on for dear life to the cliff top and just enjoy the fall. I think everyone needs to learn how to do that at some point in their life.

I’d never really even done that with myself or with my life until I went travelling.

While watching the sunrise over Angkor Wat, while standing on the top of a mountain in the Austrian Alps, while walking along the lantern lit river in Hoi An at night, I learnt to fall in love with life and appreciate it for all it’s quirks and charms and ups and downs.

While I was crying in my hotel room in Africa because I was struggling to process how different my life was from people there, while I spent two weeks talking to no one in Austria, while I navigated a hospital alone, as I figured out how to walk the streets of Cambodia and catch a tuktuk on my own, when I trusted strangers, while I sat on the pavement in Vietnam eating local food…I learnt to love who I was with no filter.

(I also learnt I have a problem with how much I love coffee and red wine)

I realised who I was; an incredible person, a resilient person, someone who cared deeply about the world, someone who could do incredible things, someone who was not limited by others. But I also realised, the more I learnt to love myself, just how little I let other people love me…who I really am.

The person I am at 2am when I’m still awake worrying about the next day, when I’m jumping up and down with excitement over the stupidest things, when I’m in my ‘bliss zone’ grocery shopping, while I ignore them as I write another book that I’ll probably never finish, when I’m doing the hobbies I love, the way I look at the sunset or the sunrise, the strange thoughts that float around my mind on a long car ride, the big and wild dreams I decide I’m going to embark on because why the hell not? I’m a why not person. I live my life taking on everything unless you can give me a bloody good reason not to. It means I do some really stupid things sometimes, but it also means I go and will go incredible places and do big things. I want that for my life. Even if they’re little big things. I want life to be bigger and unlimited by what I might be afraid of. And ultimately I want someone beside me who feels the same way, who wants to push me to do that, who does not ‘tolerate’ my personality but rather brings the positives and helps me overcome the negatives. I need someone to constantly challenge me to be a better person, but feel safe enough that they’re going to love me even when I’m a really crappy person.

(And when I listen to the same song on repeat 6 million times before I get sick of it.)

I’m happy alone, I just have to learn now how to not only be happy alone but with someone and realise it’s not a bad thing to love people. It’s not a bad thing to fall in love.

It’s ok to be out of control and just see what happens.

Ok so I think my problem with my inability to write blogs comes from this new thing I’ve started doing called ‘editing’. Did any of you realise how much pointless crap I waffle on about on here? I’m sure one day my children will discover the dark archives of my blog and will forever use it as a valid defense in any argument.

*cries into glass of wine and remembers once again why reproducing might be a bad idea*

Anyway! Pretty much what I’m trying to say… is I’m bloody brilliant and I’m fantastically happy and life is moving in this slightly dream like direction… sometimes I’m not quite sure how to handle that because it’s been a little while since I’ve felt this satisfied. Actually, I don’t think I’ve felt quite like this about my life before.

(I’m a perfectionist and I’m not good at this ‘accepting my flaws and realising life can be perfect without being perfect’ thing)

It’s baby steps, I’m learning lots of stuff. I’m enjoying sunsets and sunrises. I have an amazing person by my side and I’m going to miss my bestie like crazy when she moves soon, and I’ll probably cry, but I’m also so damn glad life is moving on for us all in the best possible way.

And it’s Friday.

And I’m visiting a friend tonight and we’re going to have a night out!

Both of those things make me incredibly happy.

#Illalwayshavewinetocuddleifitturnstoshit

 

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Yes, I’m good

Journalists are funny creatures. Or at least the ones I know are. We find strange mechanisms for coping with the work load that just-never-stops and the big bosses in swively chairs making decisions. It’s easier to laugh and take the piss out of the mania that has been created than it is to have a cry and actually try to analyse the strange and perhaps concerning reaction I have to stress.

Laugh. Laughter and incredible sarcasm usually follow a period of wanting to crawl under a rock and hide.

We’re also strange, because we have to be a million different people. We have to understand the workings of government, local government, planning and zoning, court and legal jargon, we have to be empathic during the large amounts of sad stories we cover, yet heartless enough not to get caught up. We have to be experts in a number of areas at the same time and we are not forgiven when we make a mistake.

We also learn very personal details about people within 20 minutes of meeting them.

And I always plan what I will ask someone in a conversation before I start talking to them… even when I’m not working.

We’re strange creatures. I think one almost has to be born a journalist to be able to maintain some level of sanity, and only half a heart so we don’t cry during sad interview, but are still able to care about the people we are writing for and about.

Anyway, enough about that part of my job.

My next adventure to master for my column is paragliding. The problem with paragliding in New Zealand, is there are very few places with a website.

I just don’t trust jumping off a cliff with someone who is not readily available for me to learn every detail about on the internet.

I struggle to be friends with someone who is not googleable…simply because making ‘normal’ conversation is a skill I lack.

So life is hectic, I am still on the verge of insanity, I love my life, I refuse to me a mean person even when I want to hurt something…the world doesn’t need any more mean people.

I am alive, I am breathing on my own, I have all my limbs and I am able to laugh. So I think I’m good. Yes, I’m good.

Just have a giggle…

I’m not sure if the effects of pea protein are no longer working, or if I really do just do too much… but when I woke from my short slumber this morning (the short part was not due to lack of trying) I could quite happily have hopped on the next plane and found some cute little tropical get away to wallow in my self pitty. 

I think it might be the mid year reality punch in the face, or my body is simply protesting about being a grown up. 

My to do list is quite possibly going to grow legs and chase after me, and I think it already has teeth, but I am tackling it. Slowly, surely, tackling it. I don’t think my body can absorb any more immune system boosting pills or healthy smoothies! 

Anyway, while I was taking one of my five min ‘you’ve actually managed to accomplish something and your brain now hurts’ breaks I found the above video. 

I am still in a ‘where is my rock, can  I please go back to hiding under it?’ mood, but that video… well… they say laughter is good for the soul…

If only they had laughter tablets I might be able to combat this cold! 

 

Now I am going to dance along in my head (much better than I actually can) and have another giggle while I attempt to win the war with this to do list!