Pros, cons, failure

Growing up is a weird thing; it just sort of happens without really thinking about it. I mean sure, most of the time I’m thinking to myself ‘I am definitely not adult enough to deal with this’, but then there are moments where I suddenly realise I am an adult, and I’m actually doing it just fine. How can I tell I’m adulting well? Firstly, I am incredibly particular about wine, babies no longer scare me (I’m still highly skeptical I should ever actually be allowed to bring one up), I am capable of looking after multiple small people at once, I know life does not stop and start with marriage, relationships, or even having children…but those things are cool too, I’ve come to appreciate money…by that I mean the fact that I turn up to a place each day and do stuff and they then give me money so I can live, I am learning how to think about and navigate the idea of a mortgage, a house, where I want to live… and I have learnt just how fragile life is, and I appreciate that fact. Oh and I’ve also come to learn and accept shit happens to all of us.

I don’t feel grown up, but to honest I don’t know if anyone ever feels ‘grown up’, I think it’s more a feeling of comfortable experience that leads you to have a little more faith each year that in most situations you will, regardless of how you may feel at the time, be ok. I was going to put ‘survive’, but there’s really no guarantee of that.

My little cat had his vaccinations today. In order to get him into the cat cage I coxed him with food first into a small space. He then quickly realised something was not right and quickly escaped. I came back five minutes later to see he had given into his desire for food (animal like its owner) and I swiftly blocked the cat door with various washing baskets. He then escaped from the other door as I tried to enter with the cat cage and my attempts at a human barricade failed miserably. I then spent 10 minutes chasing him up and down the house until he finally gave in to his desire for pats and I captured him once and for all. His poor defeated meows were heart breaking as I loaded him into the car for mum to take him with her to the clinic (she’s a vet nurse). Admittedly the only time I’ve ever put him in a cage prior was to move him from one place to another…so right now he’s sitting in a cage at the clinic thinking this is his new home and he’s been transported to some kind of jail for a crime in which he does not know. I will sweep in and rescue him and he shall love me forever…and hopefully forget all about this mornings antics.

I have two weeks until my psychology exam. I have finally accepted there is no possible way for me to learn everything I need to learn. So, I’ve decided I will simply learn five chapters REALLY well so ace that part of the exam. I’d love to say this is a strategy well thought through, however it’s really a last ditch effort not to fail this whole thing.

But I can always try again.

Really what I’m telling myself is it is not the end of the world, I have wasted $700 in worse ways, it will be fine, I have wine, and if I have to try again I’ll just try again. Simple, right?

Adulting at its finest right there.

What I’m coming to learn this year is to just chill out. That might seem strange to those in my life who understand I operate at a million miles an hour and every single weekend in June is booked…however, I am learning to stop putting on the pressure, stop trying to overachieve, to move a million miles an hour. Just take one step, as it comes. For me, there are often many steps that come all at once…so if I apply that statement to my life it looks like madness.

But on the days I feel frustrated I’m not going anywhere fast enough, I just remind myself how much I wanted this; to have a warm home close to family, to have my own cat, to have a job that keeps me busy and earns me money but doesn’t give me nightmares, so I have time to study and enjoy that study. This is what I wanted when I sat in that little home in France and pictured life. It just didn’t happen how I expected it to. But this is really lovely.

It’s raining. I love rain. I love studying when it’s raining. Soon I’ll have a gym with a spa and I can provide myself with motivation for the gym with that. It’s winter, it’s snuggly weather, it’s raining, I’m studying something I love, I have a cat, I have plans for a house, I want to live in the country, I have a good job. It’s all about perspective…

Because when I got on here I was going to complain how stressed and didn’t want to study, how my head hurts because I have a headache because it’s always so damn cold, how it’s raining so I don’t want to go outside or to the gym, and I have no money for my dream home or my dream travel.

It’s really easy to get stuck feeling like it’s falling apart or like something else would be better. Of course it would, because it always looks great when you’re not living it. You can’t have all the pros without the cons and you rarely see the cons when it’s not your life.

I’m wearing my favourite sweater today, it’s raining, and I’m going to go home and snuggle my cat and study with a hot cup of tea. I might even take an Instagram shot of it all so people think my life is amazeballs.

Sorry, this blog had potentially a little too much sarcasm in it.

 

Advertisements

A blog of random stuff…just cause

Hello world! Gosh I feel like I’ve been in some sort of hibernation! I’m not entirely sure why I’ve slacked off on the blogging. Perhaps it’s kind of become like my once loved dairy: occasionally paid attention to, but usually only to write bad stuff. I was going to do something clever with that…I thought there could be a cool metaphor there (I’m all about those metaphors and similes)…but then I remembered I’m tired, I’ve been studying psychology or I’ve written away my life and have finger cramp from work. Clever metaphors don’t really happen when I’m tired, or they fall seriously flat and people just feel sorry for me.

I started a new gym yesterday. It was as terrifying as one might imagine. I find gyms incredibly frightening. If you wander around trying to find everything and it’s not in the place you want and you stop and stare around with this panicked look on your face…everyone turns to look at you like the zombies look at humans on the walking dead. I want to resist the urge to throw my water bottle and phone at them with a ‘ah! This is too hard!’

But it’s ok. Sam was there and because he looks like he belongs in a gym, I felt safe…secure. Like the gym zombies were not going to come after me should I make a wrong move.

But I now have a sore back. Because I did back yesterday. I have a weak lower back and I’m crying a little inside about that right now.

So I was reading back through my blog (I only read 2015 because anything before that is just plain embarrassing… have a read if you want a laugh), and I realised a year a go today (cheers Facebook!) I was planning my overseas trip, my cat buttons had to be put down, one of my horses I sold had to be put down, I lost my cat Snuggie, and I sold my foal.

The point of mentioning that is I wrote a big post about ‘letting go’ this time last year. I was going to write a big spiel about how ‘I’ve come so far with letting go’ because I can deal with someone else riding my horse and be happy about it (a year ago only two people had ridden her during the six years I had owned her, and that was one ride each… so…)

By letting go I mean letting go of control. So, you see, pretty much, with my brain being super tired I’m not going to attempt to write a big long, super inspirational blog about it because in all honestly, I’m still terrible at it.

Two years ago, and it was well documented on here, I had what I would call the start of a breakdown. It wasn’t terrible, most people weren’t super aware of it. Just I had this over whelming urge to escape. A lot of that came because everything felt ‘out of my control’. I was a mess; sobbing each night to friends and family about how I ‘just couldn’t do it anymore’.

In hindsight, now I’m studying counselling, I probably should have seen a counsellor. But ya know, dropping everything and going around the world works too.

Here’s the thing though… it felt out of my control and it WAS out of my control. There was a fairly good list of crappy things that just weren’t going well and the things that were going well I didn’t feel equipped to manage. I needed to leave and it turned out to be the best thing for me. But I think it’s taught me a very valuable snippet of knowledge: it’s all out of your control.

In my study I recently learnt about flow…if people have challenges they can rise to and they feel equipped or able to do so, they achieve flow (it’s a good state of mind is what I’ve gathered). If the challenge is too much for the persons perceived ability to handle it, or if the challenge is not enough, that is when you get someone who is unproductive/frustrated or stressed. (I mainly added this in here so I can prove to myself I’m learning stuff and actually start remembering it…forgive me if it’s only 90% accurate)

Dad always says (kind of, the follow quote I actually found on a quote site thingy): “Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it”.

It is true. I will accept that. But it’s damn hard! It’s hard to be happy and positive when, while I enjoy my job, I don’t feel like it’s as challenging as it could be, where I feel study is too challenging and it’s damn scary! It’s easy to fall into the mindset of ‘panic, I’m stressed!’ I am not at all achieving flow in any areas of my life. Currently I’m studying motivation and emotion for my final exam, so I’ll bore you all with that next blog.

I am, at the moment, constantly in a battle with my mind of ‘it’s ok, you are capable’ and ‘take a moment to breathe, now start from the beginning’ and ‘I WANNA MAKE IT ALL STOP. I QUIT BEING A GROWN UP!’ The last part is usually said (silently so people think I’m kind of normal) in my head with the picture of me throwing a tantrum on the ground.

It takes a great amount of determination to remind myself day in, day out that I need to a) be patient and wait until the doors start to open..quit trying to pound them down and b) appreciate life being momentarily slower than usual and c) do as much with what I have right now and d) I will get my chance to make a change and a difference, I’m just in a growth phase.

That all might sound cheesy, but it’s true. Some moments are ‘go moments’ and some are ‘whoa moments’. There are times I am riding my horse and we focus on the boring stuff: learning how to listen, how to relax, how to work correctly. Then there are the moments we throw it all out the window and go as fast as we can…but I always know in those moments I’ve put the work in to learn, so when I need an automatic and immediate response to a problem while going a million miles an hour…I have it. There are also the moments, like in the jumping ring, where it’s a combination of give it your all, but use the lessons every step of the way and the more you know, the more you achieve.

Right now I’m in a whoa moment. It’s not the time to be going as fast as I can taking in everything around the world, testing my responses. It’s the time to focus and learn and listen…and wait. There will be another go moment.

And I need to remind myself of that.

 

 

 

 

Little strange single lessons

Adjusting to single life is interesting after a long relationship. It’s even more interesting adjusting in a world where things like snapchat and going to town weren’t part of life when I went into it. I’ve emerged on the other side into a whole new world of strange things.

For starters, my snapchat perviously had about six friends all who received pictures of my horse or me pulling faces. I’d sometimes send photos when I felt like I looked pretty. But there was little snapchating. Actually, I could probably have counted on one hand the amount of times I’d snap someone in a week.

So, I’m having to learn all these things like who you send what kind of snap to, when you send a snap, how many you send in a day, why not to use snapchat when drinking, that no one cares about my stationary order at work, and just what kind of angle and lighting works for that winning selfie. Gosh there’s a lot to learn. The worst part about it is I’m pretty sure I miss the mark constantly. Heck, I only just learnt it was possible to send a photo saved to your phone rather than only send photos you’ve just taken. I also learnt you can take photos and save them to your phone before sending them!

Going out is also a whole new ball game. Before there was no such thing as free drinks and there was that awkward conversation starter of ‘is that your boyfriend?’ And I never stopped to think about giving my number to anyone. Actually I had a great fake number I used on occasion.

I’m now realising there’s more to going out than I’d ever have imagined. Free drinks are great but there is probably a limit to how many one should consume in a night. People do ask for your number and it’s super strange when you have no idea what or who they are when they do use that number, and people can easily find my name on Facebook (who knew people could even spell Sacha correctly?) Going out is really fun, being hit on is no longer awkward, but suddenly I have absolutely no idea how to have a conversation with some stranger I met once, I have no idea if I should even talk to said stranger. And I no longer know if I should put people in their place when they try their luck a little too much. I’ve concluded yes but I don’t understand anything about this.

It’s frightening.

Suddenly relationships seem far more complicated than I ever realised. I have no idea what to say to people or how to have conversation with someone I might be interested in. I have no idea what’s talking too much or not enough. I don’t even know what I want from someone let alone asking all these questions.

Being 22 and single is a very weird place to be.

It’s not a bad place to be.

I just realise how strange life really is at times and how much relationships and how we interact with people has changed in the past few years. It’s only been four years and this feels like an entirely new world. I mean, I didn’t even really use Facebook that much to talk to people and now I have to figure out how often people actually chat and what sort of things they chat about.

I certainly know what I don’t want. But it’s not always easy defining what I do want.

Suddenly I’m no longer a journalist, I’m no longer dating someone, and I no longer compete my horse. Everything I used to define myself isn’t there anymore. And I have to just be me. I know me, I like me, it’s just a very new thing for me to let other people know and like me. There is absolutely nothing to hide behind and I have no option other than to be honest and open and myself.

That is a strange thing to face.

So, onwards and upwards as always. Life is great; I’m not getting enough sleep as always, I’ve had too many good weekends as always, I need to be kinder to my body as always, but I’m no longer as sick as I was and I’m loving life. Things are good. Everything is a learning curve, but it is good. I’m me, I like me, and that’s what counts.

 

 

This is life now

Life has not been easy this past year, it’s been good, but far from easy. You know that feeling when you’re nearly at the finish line, but you just have to push a little bit longer to get there? Your legs feel like deadweights and you’re gasping for breath with every step you take?

Yep, that’s right where I am in my race to the end of the year. It’s also how I felt walking up a large hill this weekend.

Today, I had a fight with the onions. No, not because they make me cry, because I’m one of these weird people who doesn’t cry when cutting onions…I’m not sure what that means about me as a person… but I certainly took my anger out on that onion. The skin didn’t want to peal off it and I made my point. The dinner I made with it was delicious however.

I think I’ve just got a bit carried away in all the coping and the dealing with whatever life throws, and the loving things, that I forgot to really figure out what life is now.

I went to church the other day with my grandparents, I don’t seem to go to church often now…I didn’t really think much about why I don’t anymore, until I was there. There is something about being in church that makes you face who you really are and what you’ve been hiding from.

Because my default is to hide, and deal, and cope, alone, I struggle with facing things.

Anyway, the sermon was on weathering storms. Yep, I’d say this year has been one hell of a cyclone, and I’m pretty tired of hanging in there, waiting for the rain to stop.

I planted a veggie garden yesterday. This is home now, this is my life, this is how things are going to be for at least the next year.

To tell you the honest truth, I think the hard part of this year has been coming to terms with my past, it has been facing what I want and who I am. It is the reality of now and life. I think it’s easy to get so caught up in what you want to be and what you want from life, you don’t stop to think about what it is when you actually get there.

What is it like to move on? What is it like to remember all the pain? What is it like to heal? What is it like to have a home after six moves in four years? To have the life I’ve always fought for?

What is it like to finally stop running from things?

And then the hardest question of all, where to now? I don’t want to move from this spot, but I know there will come a time when I have to. But not now, not yet, because I’m just coming to terms with my life how it is, and it would be nice to stay a while.

I’m also coming to the end of a very good TV programme, and that makes me emotional.

So does this song, but it’s a very good song.

Never be afraid of a trash can

I have had some interesting advice of late when it comes to my reporting.

“Never be afraid of a rubbish bin”

“The follow up is often better than breaking the story”

“Never be afraid to ask the dumb question, sometimes you get the best quotes”

“This industry is hard, but if you’re competitive and don’t give up, you can do it.”

The first is by far my favorite.

Each year there is this thing that the local polytechnic puts on called a ‘Press Club’ where industry professionals come down to mix and mingle over a lunch with the journalism students, and there is a guest speaker.

Now that I am one of those industry professionals and no longer a student, my fear of chatting to people who are considered ‘someone’ have gone out the window. Of course that is because I no longer desperately need them to notice me to one day get a job, and two because I’ve realised they are normal human beings.

The first piece of advice was from a well-respected investigative reporter for the country’s leading paper. It is perhaps to date one of the strangest conversations I have ever had with a journalist. He also told me that reporters get too precious about things like rummaging around a trash can to find the story. He then told me of a time that a person had left the buildings but “the skip was still there” and he found the piece of evidence needed to produce a very epic story.

While I have no desire to go hunting through the Mayors trash can anytime soon… and I have come to a realisation that I am probably too polite to be an investigative reporter, this piece of advice can be applied to many things.

Don’t get too precious, don’t be afraid to do the things others wont.

Get your hands dirty, get in, do it, and you will be surprised what you find.

Never be afraid of a trash can is now one of my life mottos.

Do not be afraid of the things that look awful. Get over it. And stop thinking about it.

Of course, when telling my mother this, she told me to wear gloved due to the awful diseases in trash cans… fair point. I may carry around latex gloves in my purse if an occasion as such ever does arise.

It’s a journey to ‘great’

I decided I am feeling inspired today. For various reasons, partly because I graduated… which I could rattle on about, but I have too many thoughts in my head just right now to talk about my bits of paper! Above is a picture of my horse Ivy, the one I’ve gone on and on and on about for the last however long I have had this blog for. So, just stay with me for a bit longer. 

Above is one of the first shows I ever did with her. I had never jumped that height before and she had not competed at it before. We still managed a third.

Image

 

Then this here was my proudest horse riding moment. I won this round, we had never felt like more of a team. It was the north island champs and I came out of nowhere, no one expected it, not even me! 

The very first picture is of us together, just the other day. She’s tired, she’s sore, and she misses getting out of her paddock. I have a new horse. Things have changed. In that second picture, at my first show I was 16. Right then, every single goal I had was to get through school, and be an amazing horse rider. Ivy was that horse that I was going to wow people with. Every single dream I had revolved around her. I chose where I studied after school mostly because of her. 

All throughout my life, and I am assuming yours, there have been many, many moments on the movies, stories from people, your parents encouragement, that you believe that you have a goal, and you just continue upwards until you get there. At least that is how I saw it; that every step I took just meant I was closer to being incredible. 

I thought that there was a moment, that moment I won a 1.60m show jumping round that I had reached the top. Of course I never got past 1.30m. But that’s okay. I was so focused on the end goal I forgot to actually take into consideration my life. The things that happen the gets you to the goal. You cant just look at it, and only it, and expect not to stumble. Sometimes, you have to look down. It is a humbling realisation that your story isn’t the one you’re so desperately trying to write. Your story, could be so much more exciting and entertaining and fulfilling that you can imagine. 

It is one of the hardest things to get so close, only to have to return to the bottom and start again, while watching everyone else continue up. But man, does it teach you some serious humility and determination. Kind of like when you’ve just finished that 3000 word essay and the computer crashes….

Anyway, I have rattled on long enough. What I am really saying is just because you’ve had a few set backs, struggled to come to terms with a few things, it doesn’t mean you’re not going to do great things, it just meant there were a few things you needed to learn before you could do great things. The journey to one’s goal is not a straight upwards line or one with only a few bumps in it. It’s like a mad woman’s hair on a windy day – it’s not always going to go your way. Eventually you’ll go through all the ups and downs and roundy rounds, and you might find that the great things happened along the way, and they never stop happening. 

Seeing my ex was the best thing for my relationship

Ok past, I’ve got a bone to pick with you on this one. How much forgiving, moving on, running away, escaping, closing my eyes, etc do I need to do to get rid of you? I mean, okay there all these sayings like “things don’t leave until they’ve taught you all you need to learn” and then the one above. I get it. I’m meant to keep taking things from it. But there is a line and I think we’ve reached it.

I was tossing up whether or not to write about this on here… I do have SOME personal sharing boundaries… but then I saw this picture and though, why the hell not? So now, here is my little spiel.

Seeing my ex was one of the best things I could have done for my current relationship. Yeah, I am fully aware I am going back on 95% of what I have been harping on about lately, but I do change my mind on my opinions regularly. When a mutual friend got us back in touch I had mixed feelings. I am well aware most people will read this and ask why I was bothering talking to an ex at all, and assume my current partner had an issue with it (he doesn’t). But just hold your fire. Our strange and roller-coaster off a cliff sort of relationship was one that not even I understand. I mean, when he whipped out quotes like “cheating isn’t that bad” last night I couldn’t help but stare at him, and my 17-year-old self in disbelief… Uhmm… what exactly is more destructive in a relationship? I mean, yes there is abuse, but cheating really is a form of emotional abuse. So, I reiterate, he hasn’t changed. 

This is a very satisfying fact to realize, anyone who argues the contrary quite seriously must have either been blind and deaf or did not know him during the time I did. No longer smoking dope is sort of ruled out by doing other drugs? And yes, cheating is really THAT bad. That is all beside my point though. I knew all of that well before I saw him again.

What it did teach me though, as a) I have possibly the most incredible boyfriend in the world and b) no wonder I don’t put up with crap from people any more. I dealt with a life times amount and I am now allergic. Or just a little more clued up. So, if someone tells me they are going to see their ex, I would encourage it. If there is still a spark there… well I have no help on that one, don’t really have that problem. BUT it does teach you an incredible amount about your past self, and your current self. The contrast was for me, in fact staggering. Growing up doesn’t even begin to explain it. It made me realise how smart I was to leave when I did and form this incredible, exciting, and fantastic life with people in it that build me up, not take away from who I am. It is healing too, to no longer resent someone for what they’ve done to you, but rather have no respect for them because of who they still are. To be able to move on, even if the past does keep following you around, sometimes you have to make a decision to keep it behind you, move on, and keep walking. Just because your past comes back, doesn’t mean you have to let it in. The lesson: I am a stronger, better, whole, fulfilled person and I am incredibly glad for the people I have in my life now, and I know exactly why I chose them. You choose the people who come into your life, make sure you make the right decision. 

The life lesson list

Being 20 is certainly a colourful time of my life. I thought it was due time I shared another ‘what I’ve learnt list’, because as life changes so do the things I get from it! So here you are, enjoy.

1) The back of a police car is one of the best ways to see the city.

2) Always let people in while waiting in traffic, you never know who’s day you just made.

3) Have at least one friend that you can sit in your car, in an empty car park, and talk for hours and not run out of content.

4) Learn to let things go: you control how you feel, not other people.

5) Do things simply because you want to help, do not expect something in return every time.

6) Actively discover something new about someone you love at least once a month.

7) Learn how to take advice, not everyone is running you down, sometimes the thing you don’t want to hear, is exactly what you need to listen to.

8) ‘Just do it’ learn when to think things through, and when to just go for it.

9) Need people. It might hurt sometimes, but it will make you a much stronger person.

10) Do not be afraid to dream big: do not let fear hold you back, decide you want to achieve something and make a plan – do not stop until you get there.

11) Study something and finish it. If you fail the first time, try again until you succeed. 

12) Find a hobby you cannot give up and throw yourself into it whole heartedly.

13) Remember to keep life balanced, your sanity will appreciate it in the long run.

14) Love your job. No matter what it is, do not just work to earn money, work to make your life better, someone else’s life better, and the world better.

 

 

On the other side

As I near the end of my nearly three weeks of real work before a holiday, I can’t help but realise just how little I have written about it. With a new horse, new house and sudden realisation I need to make more friends, it just wasn’t on my mind. 

Not that it isn’t important, it’s just become normal. Sure it has only been three weeks, not even that but it feels right. Like I always belonged there, I just took my time getting there. I don’t feel different as such, but things have changed. I work the same way I did as an intern, I get the same excitement when I get hooked on a story, but I get my face on the front page and a nice pay cheque for my efforts. 

I have lived in Hamilton for three years and it has never really felt like home. On the odd occasion I would look around and think, yes, this is where I live and I love it. Or sometimes I’d think maybe I want to spend the rest of my life here. But not once, not one single time did I feel like it was home. This is now home, not just where I live. It is where I shop, wander, think, breathe, move, live, it is where I exist. 

For the first time, in a very, very long time, I fit. It has been a long battle to find what I want and where I want to be. To a normal person from the outside, my life looks to have fallen into place, to some degree it has. But each step there were tiny little fairy steps, ones people didn’t see. Those are the steps that are hard, the what city, what kind of paper etc. Because you never quite know till you get there, you never know what you want to be until you are it. 

I have a job. And it is not just a job, it is my life. When I write those stories it feels normal, natural, I don’t have to try to be anything except myself. I am making friends and meeting people. I have a whole world in front of me that I had dreaded and now, living in it is glorious. 

Not to get all deep and weird on you, but for the past three years I just happened, I was just here. I horse rode, I wrote, I studied. But now I live, I don’t just ride, I meet people and have conversations about riding. I don’t just write, I breathe and think words. I don’t study, I work. 

I didn’t quite know what I wanted, until I got everything I needed. I don’t want to work for a magazine or live in an apartment. It is funny how what you think you want, is sometimes nothing more than a fantasy. You want the cake but really, you just like the idea of cake. There are many things I can relate that to, but I’m going to keep it PG. I want to work at a community paper because you are writing for the people who care about it, because you can actually make a difference. And even if you don’t, you get to understand the place you live in. You get to know the people around you. I want to live in the country on the farm. I don’t want to give up competing, I want to horse ride and I want to be good at it. And there is no reason I can’t do and have those things. 

It is all about perspective. When you come out the other side of desperation, you realise just how lucky you are to be alive and you take every single second of your magical life and appreciate it, because when you don’t have that beautiful feeling of hope, struggling is something you become very familiar with. 

Day one: this is life now

Petrol stations are good places to meet men, apparently. I don’t know if I just look particularly sexy washing my windows or if the way I grip that petrol pump is something special… but it has to be the number one most awkward place to be hit on. Of course I don’t know the quality of these men, however this has happened on several occasions, and almost only at the petrol station. Being hit on is a nice confidence boost, standing awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact and conversation with said men, while willing the pump to pump just a little bit faster, is just not much fun at all. 

I’m not sure if the concerned, stressed and exhausted look is something people are into now-a-days, it could be the professional look too, yes, perhaps. Either way, I am worn out. Day one of job: good, long, and well, over. My feet are killing me and I want to avoid humanity for a wee while, but I think with a few more days under my belt I will begin to really enjoy it. Adjusting to so many new environments at once, that is too overwhelming to be overly excited about anything. It is a great job with lovely people and an exciting and manageable workload. There is just a lot to get used to.

The nicest thing though, buying groceries without having to worry obsessively about the price of every single product, and coming home knowing I don’t have to do anything until tomorrow at 8.30am. There is something unbelievably exciting about that. No more assignments, ever. 

I think an early night is in order. 

This is life now, this is normal and this, is going to become routine. That is daunting, exciting and little bit sad.