The rocky roads

Life’s been a bit up and down lately, literally. Ivy decided a few weeks ago that I hadn’t swum enough this year and ran straight into the ocean during a beach ride. After several rodeo moments she landed me head/hands first into a great big wave. She then left me for dead and took off up the beach, through the sandjunes and around the neighbourhood. I then emerged from the water, soaking wet head to toe in my full riding gear and chased her down the beach. When that failed, I gave up and proceeded to walk around the area asking people if they’d seen a horse, most people were a little shocked by a stranger dripping wet wearing a helmet, horseless, asking if they’d seen said horse. Others commented on her beauty as she galloped riderless up the beach. Yes, yes that’s exactly the thoughts going through my mind in those moments…her beauty. We found her on someone’s back lawn, tied to a gate by the next door neighbours where were rather perplexed as to how a horse had turned up on their lawn, fully tacked up, in suburbia. Thankfully neither was too badly hurt, my pride mainly, and a little later I discovered my wrist was sprained but a trip to A&E established I was not in fact dying, despite the pain, and it wasn’t even fractured.

I thought I’d begin this blog with a funny story because if you keep reading, you’re going to need that humour. I think I’ve been holding onto as much humour as I can lately. I think that just makes life a bit easier to cope with. And watching your horse leave you in the water while providing people with a good dose of entertainment is certainly a good dose of humour, there’s not much else you can do but laugh!

Today in kids church one of the leaders came up to me and asked me if I was ok. I said “Yeah? Do I not seem ok?” He said I seemed a little off. I hadn’t really stopped to think about it to be honest. When you’re struggling with stuff I think it’s just easier not to think about it.

I mean how do you turn to someone and say “Well not really, I’ve been having suicidial thoughts for the past week because I don’t feel like I can cope.”

Like how do you just lay that on someone? Actually I don’t think I’ve ever openly said that to anyone.

For years I’ve been fine. Depression is a moment every now and then that knocks on my door but this last week it’s smacked that damn door right in my face and left me reeling a little wondering what the hell happened. I have nothing in my life that’s bad. There is no reason to feel particularly down. I just do. And that is one of the toughest things to explain to people. So I don’t.

It is easier to stay quiet and be ‘ok’. And I am ok. I really am. I know how to get through the down moments and tonight when people asked “how are you?” tonight I said “I’m good!” Because I am. I feel really good today and I know I will be just fine. I felt alive and like I wanted to be that way all damn day. That is pretty exciting. And I don’t write this at all to make people worry and I do not want people to suddenly say anything different to me, I have so many attentive friends and family. I am incredibly blessed and lucky. Because of them, their amazing way of just being, I always know I will be ok and I will get through it. No one needs to be anything other than what they’re being

I will always keep going, and I know even in the worst moments, I am going to be ok and I have a reason to live. Always.

I write it because I feel like there are people out there who need to read it…and know it’s ok. Because I want people to know they can open up and be honest, and that culture starts with me.

I run a Facebook pg called ‘YouthNet’. It’s an organisation that deals with mental health stuff. Anyway, I regularly post stories on there about family members who have written letters after their mum, son, daughter has killed themselves and they say ‘I want to raise awareness because not enough people talk about’. And I post them over and over…yet I’ve never once said anything to anyone…ever…about my own struggles.

Little bit hypocritical?

I was standing in church tonight and I started crying. And I never cry in church, but it just sort of hit me. It’s really hard some days to truly believe my life has a meaning and point. It pisses me off so damn much because I have absolutely nothing to be upset about. There are people living in cars and there are people who don’t know where their next meal is coming from.

And here I am living a beautiful life and I feel like I can’t hack it?

So many times I want to just tell myself to get over it and deal with it. But some days I just can’t. And that’s just the shitty thing about things like this, they hit at the strangest moments.

But what I have also learnt is those moments where it just seems like it’s far too much, those are the moments just before it gets good. And you can go years and years and years and be so fine and so great and so happy…then for no reason out of the blue you can’t do it.

Usually right when things should be good.

Anyway I’m pretty nervous about posting this, actually I’m terrified. This is honest even for me. I worry about people worrying about me, I am fine. This is not my first rodeo. But I do want to tell people how important it is to be kind, to be loving, to be open about struggles. To just be there for your friends. The people you love, the ones you don’t. Every single person you come across in your day be kind to them and listen. Be a beautiful person who makes someone’s day. Would you want to meet you if you were having a bad day?

For me, I focus on the little things. I focus on giving. On the days I simply cannot do it, I do something for someone else. I’m not sure when I began that, but it gives me a kind of purpose beyond myself and my own life. And it is so, so hard. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. Actually if I hadn’t been with Sam I probably wouldn’t have. But we saw some people and I was excited and I chatted because I got out of bed. I did that. I didn’t cry all day and I didn’t think one single awful thing about myself.

I’ve started focusing on loving myself and my abilities and trying to shut down those little thoughts of ‘you can’t do it’, ‘you’re not going to make it’ that become big over powering thoughts that shout. I’ve set a goal: if I can go an entire week without thinking one bad thing about myself I will treat myself to a massage.

It’s a massive goal, even sane and happy people would struggle. But it gives me something to focus on.

So that’s that. Take a deep breath.

I’ve found blogging hard lately; it’s super hard to be as open and honest as I want to be and as I need to be so I’ve just shut down and said nothing.

Keep your chin up guys, life is good regardless of the situation, it gets better and most importantly of all; YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING. You are worth so, so much. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are everything you need to be and more.

The best is yet to come.

Peace out.

 

 

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One of those moments

It’s 5.09pm and I got home from work over half an hour ago. I spent most of the time since I drove in the driveway sitting in my car and lying on my bed with my cat. That might not seem like anything particularly special, but for those who know Charlie the cat it’s a pretty big deal.

Charlie doesn’t sleep on beds. Ever. And he freaks out when I put him on them. But today, a day where I don’t particularly want to face the world, Charlie cat let me not only put him on the bed, but lie down and have a nap beside him. He’s currently still curled up in a bun like formation while I type away at my desk.

Some days are hard. Your guess is as good as mine as to why. But this week my new life has begun to really sink in. The kind of sink where you slowly slip into a lukewarm pool and can’t quite tell if you’re 100 per cent happy about it, but you’re still glad to be there.

I’ve gone from a very body confident, reliable decision maker to a constantly uncertain, emotionally reserved and body conscious individual. I’m not sure how I got from there to here. There’s plenty of good changes too. I think. I can’t list them right now, but they are there. I know how to stand my ground and to be confident in what I do for work. That’s something.

This might sound weird, but a year ago I was a ‘go to person’ one of those people you have in your life for when it gets tough. The person you turn to to talk about anything. The person you need at the end of a rough day…someone who just sort of fixes things.

Somewhere along the road I became allergic to drama, to emotions, to anything that even remotely resembles someone needing me.

And I have no idea why.

At some point I just kind of stopped giving a shit.

And people stopped needing, they stopped talking, and they too stopped caring.

I think when big changes occur in someones life and when they go through challenging times, it’s easy to forget healing takes a long time. A really, really long time.

And people who weren’t there through it don’t realise how patient they need to be. But the people who were there through it often aren’t there any longer.

Someone can look fine but in reality they’re still struggling, they’re still broken, and they’re still healing.

I think the number one relationship killer ,whether it be friendship or romantic, is complacency and lack of respect.

I don’t mean respect in the term you might be picturing it in. I mean it in the way of listening to ideas and advice, listening to that persons way of viewing the world…and caring about it. By complacency I mean people stop caring about the answer to ‘how was your day’ they stop wanting that person to be happy, they stop wanting that person to smile. People just start to go about their own lives forgetting to ask and care: “how are you really doing?”

It’s amazing how easily and how quickly it happens.

And I’m terrified of it.

I’m also exhausted.

Maybe because for me part of my healing process means it takes a lot of energy to be open, to love, to care, to let people in. I don’t know if that ever gets easier, but I keep on trying hoping it eventually will.

This week I’ve started to appreciate my city and the morning drive to work. I’ve tried hard to walk around town more at lunch time, to come up with new places to take my horse; to genuinely live here.

But man, it is not easy. I still miss Hamilton. I miss the people. But I am starting to live here and in all honesty, I’ve made some incredible friends here so far I’d be sad to leave if I ever moved back. This is home. And it’s starting to feel like that.

But it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. I think after any period, long or short, of hardship it takes years to adjust again. This is probably the most time I’ve spent alone or even wanted to spend alone in nearly a year.

I’ve spent a year hiding.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve slowly addressed things as I felt I was capable. I’ve tried my best to counsel and work my way through the hurt bits and the crappy bits and ‘fix’ myself. But up until this point I’ve needed people. I’ve needed to see and be around people to remind myself it’s ok.

And now, I think I’m slowly learning how to be ok alone again and how to cope with myself.

I have a thyroid scan in a weeks time. I’m both nervous and excited. I want to know where it’s at. Has the nodule grown? Will I have to have a life changing operation? Will I not? I play it down but it plays on my mind almost constantly. And that’s just the reality of it.

I think somedays, I just want to feel unconditionally loved, and I want to unconditionally love myself too. I want that love for myself. I want to be in that space again where I don’t question if I’m a hard person to love, where I don’t feel like I’m still a bit broken, where I just feel like a whole human. A few weeks back I wrote a post about how I finally felt like I was no longer recovering. And I feel like that most of the time now.

But with any recovery there are set backs.

And this is just one of those moments.

This blog got a lot more real than I was anticipating. I think Sam ought to bring my red wine to me and I will lie on my bed with Charlie cat and watch crappy soaps.

Till next time x

 

Breathe a little, it’s your time now

I write this blog with a little bit of hesitation. Lately my Facebook has been inundated with people going through rough times or people facing touch situations. Even in my own family there’s a few rough times being had. So it is definitely with that in mind I write this, because I’m well aware how much of a slap in the face it can be when you’re down and out and someone else is just walking on sunshine.

I was flying to Wellington the other day for a marketing meeting. As I sat on the plane on the way home again I felt this really strange sense of peace. I’m a Christian so the sense of peace and all that jazz is definitely a familiar one. But I really noticed it this time.

For the past few months, actually years, I’ve had some pretty cool highs but I’ve had some pretty low lows. I think I became pretty good buddies with rock bottom. I’ve felt like I’ve always been recovering, moving on, starting again, shifting, rethinking, adjusting. I’ve spent a lot of my time trying really hard to be ok and to just get up and carry on every day with a smile.

But as I sat on that plane, on my way back home I felt this sense of peace; peace that for the first time in a very, very long time I’m not fighting.

I’m not fighting to be ok.

Life’s not perfect. Nan is still sick, study is still a challenge, I (at the time on the plane) had no job security past November. Sam still needs/ed to sell his house.

But I felt ok.

Tauranga is home now. I’ve settled in. I’ve accepted it for what it is and I cannot deny it is a beautiful city to live in and I am incredibly lucky to live here. I miss Hamilton and my life there still. But I know now that these things pass. Missing something or someone is just life and you just have to ride those waves of emotion until the eventually subside.

I love my job. I wake up each day and while I definitely don’t want to get out of bed because bed is amazing and the air is always cold, I want to go to work. For the first time…ever…I was happy to be sick on a weekend so I could be better for work. I know! Mad right? Things are looking positive and I may, if all goes well, have a job here long term and I’m really satisfied with that.

I have a direction I want my life to head in and I feel like I am ready to finally go after that. I’m not chasing a dream, I’m letting where I’m meant to be develop and come to light. I know the goal, but what that actually looks like can come in any shape or form. I’m not only ready, but really excited for that.

We have house options! Sam and I have the opportunity to purchase a section on a beautiful piece of land and the house concept plans are being drawn up as we speak. It’s a pretty scary and big move and many, many things have to fall into place but I am so in love with not just the idea, but the reality of what we can do with such a stunning slice of paradise and how many people we could bless with it.

My health condition has been stable for over two years now and that’s an incredible miracle and I’m feeling good despite several bouts of nasty colds and flu’s this winter! My ankle has healed fine and I’m back training full steam at the gym.

I’m not horse riding as much as I’d like (I’m actually not at all!). I don’t see my friends as often as I’d like. But I feel comfortable: in my own skin and in my own world. I don’t feel like I’m fighting life. There are so many little things that need to fall into place, but this is the first time in many years I’ve felt like this is ‘my time’ to loosen the rope and stop clinging on for dear life.

There is a lot more to come and many more waves to ride out. The next year to 18 months is likely to be full of planning and stress. But I’m enjoying just a moment of peace and quiet for now.

I think sometimes we just have to know when to embrace those moments of ‘ok’ so we can be ready to go again when it gets tough. It’s never perfect, it’s never completely sorted, things always go wrong…so when you feel a moment of relief in it all, just take that and breathe a little.

Ops, I think I was too honest again

Relationships are scary things. Anyone who’s been reading this for a while know’s I’m more of a ‘fall flat on my face while walking up stairs, spill my drink down my front’ type of person. So it comes as no surprise I’ve sat behind my computer staring at the screen for days now wondering what on earth to write and how to put it all.

I’m a mess, a hot one some days (this is usually only my opinion while drinking tequila. Always blame tequila), but generally I’m a ‘going to the supermarket in my pj’s because I forgot how to dress myself’ kind of mess.

(don’t worry, I’m yet to actually do that…but there will come a time)

So it comes as no surprise I accidentally found myself in a relationship. Because yes, I am that kind of person. I’ve told a few people close to me and they’ve all laughed and said ‘that’s how it’s meant to be’.

Wait, so relationships are meant to just happen? They’re meant to be easy? And this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach is normal and they’re called butterflies?

(I’ve decided the butterflies need to do some serious working out and ease up on the coffee, cause they are heavy and crazy!)

Last blog I mentioned something romantic along the lines of “everyone needs to learn how to let go of the cliff and just fall”. I apologise for such sentiments because I am, right this very moment (metaphorically speaking), clinging to every single thing I can find on that cliff face screaming “NOPE, NOPE NOPE NOPE. I AM NOT FALLING IN LOVE”.

So here’s the thing…I have found someone truly amazing (skip this part if you don’t like mushy). Every single day he surprises me with something that makes me smile, or laugh. There are so many moments I look at him and just think ‘yep, I love you’. I am so comfortable and so damn happy with him it makes me want to slap myself for being so damn cute.

But I am terrified he won’t stick around. That he will get a little way down the line and realise ‘he’s not ready’ or that ‘it’s just not right’ or he’ll run off with someone else. I want to be confident, I’m a confident person, but when you find something amazing and everything else amazing has turned into anything but what you expected, it’s hard to have confidence that what you see is what it really is.

I want to sit there and have the ‘are you sure you’re ready for something like this because breakups aren’t fun and I can’t do another one’ convo. That’s a scary conversation to have. I can guess all I like about how someone feels about me but I want to know, I want someone to look at me and tell me exactly why this will work or exactly why they want me.

Me.

I want to know what makes me special…out of every person. Because there will be other people, there is always other people. And you always have a choice. At some point down the line when you’re mad at the person you love, when you’re tired, there will be another person who is happy to comfort you. Are you going to walk away or is that person you love it? Are they your ‘person’? Why?

Why out of billions and billions of people are they the person you’re going to chose over and over again, every time?

What is going to make you want to keep trying even when you can’t understand that person? Or when you really don’t like that person despite how much you love them?

I’m pretty sure most people can’t answer that.

Most would argue, well ‘because you love each other’ or because ‘they’re the one’.

I like to jump on little girls fairy-tale dreams and say there is no ‘one’. There are many, and you pick one. There are many, many people you are compatible with, who will love you with every single fiber of their being…and you’re going to pick one…maybe. You also might not. You might disagree. But when you think you’ve found the one and then you have to let that go… you suddenly realise it’s not as black and white as you thought it was.

People could also argue ‘well maybe you didn’t realise what ‘the one’ felt like’. But that would be a very naive thing to assume.

I said to Alex, when we first started dating, “Don’t ever give up on me, too many people have given up on loving me and I can’t take that. I cannot deal with someone who just decides they don’t want to try any longer. It will break me.”

Yet there I was, four years later, driving along in my car, at 2am, five days after I landed back in the country, on my fathers birthday, singing my heart out to Jaymes Bay “Let it go”, tears streaming down my face, with my cat Charlie and half my stuff, on my way back to my parents house.

People give up on other people.

Every time I let that wall down and allow myself to be happy falling in love, there is this overwhelming fear that I’ll sit alone at a funeral again or I’ll get news someone has died and the person I loves asks: “Are you ok?” and I lie and say “Yeah” because I’m in shock and they’ll say “ok then” and leave me to it, again.

I am terrified I will let someone be my person again, that I will let someone in and rely on them and then all of a sudden I’ll wake up one day, during one of the hardest times of my life, and I’ll be facing it alone.

There are few things more lonely that being with someone but feeling completely alone.

I fell apart the other day, and Sam swooped in an made it better and picked up the pieces and it terrified me. I have never felt so secure with someone yet so scare of it. Because it’s these little moments I think to myself “Yes, this is absolutely everything I’ve wanted; everything I’ve needed.” And I know, I am 100 per cent certain it is nothing like it has been in the past. He is not him. I know that. I can say it a million times.

But it doesn’t make the fear go away.

(I never said my my emotions were as logical as my thought process!)

I need to be convinced that no matter what, someone will not give up on me…and that might take a long time.

And that might be a lot to put on a new relationship. I’ll most certainly agree with you on that. But it’s what makes me anxious, it’s what keeps me up at night. Because fears are fears and being given up on, watching someone just ‘stop trying’…will always make me feel sick to my stomach and kill all those pretty, fat, hyped up on coffee butterflies in there.

I’ve been avoiding writing this blog because I’ve suddenly become afraid of being honest. Perhaps because honesty upsets people, or perhaps because it also means you can’t hide from things. I am finding myself frustrated and angry and anxious because I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions when it comes to who I love.

I am fragile, I am broken, and I can’t put the pieces back together alone.

So back to the top, where this blog was heading in a very positive direction…

Just kidding! It was never going anywhere positive! I’m in one of those ‘eat chocolate in my bubble bath while reading a romantic novel so I can avoid the responsibilities of life’ moods this week… but let’s throw some happiness in here.

I have an amazing new relationship and I am incredibly glad about that. I’m actually loving the study, I’m feeling like I am achieving well at work, the young girl riding Ivy is having fun, I’m getting closer and closer to my run time for the police, I can do 20 push ups… there are so many things to be thankful for, and I’m thankful for every single one of them…

But I’m also incredibly worried about my Nan’s cancer, I’m really, really sad my best friend is moving away, I’m struggling with the workload from my diploma, and I am freaking out that I won’t pass the police medical.

In a lot of ways I feel like my life has been thrown into the air and everything is just suspended for a while and uncertainty is driving me nuts.

So here I am, finally back blogging, stuck in my head with thoughts going around like a crazy person, but I’m doing ok. I’m a strong person, if nothing else I have certainly proven that to myself over the past two years, and it’s going to be fine.

Life will work out just fine…actually life will turn out just great.

But I really want someone to push me so I take down those walls, because I am terrified, and I won’t take them down without some serious openness and love.

Fear is fear, and no amount of telling me not to be afraid is going to stop me from being afraid.

I need to know why I shouldn’t be afraid.

 

 

 

Roses are red…

I went swimming in the sea yesterday. It was a little bit funny because I spent most of the time being bowled over by the waves and flailing around trying to not drown. I’d swim under one wave and stand up to do that whole ‘flick my hair back while looking hot thing’… and instead was taken out like a skinny rugby player who didn’t run fast enough with the ball by the next wave.

I gave up and just flopped around like a whale. I then lay on the beach to sunbath, trying my best to look like a babe, and managed to be eaten alive by biting insects and now I look like I have some sort of contagious disease. Happy valentines day from the world!

I regularly try to explain to people how I don’t really do ‘perfect’ or ‘cute’ or ‘romantic’. It’s not because I don’t like it, it’s just that I’ve accepted my life is not a romantic drama, it’s more a romantic comedy, and I’ve learnt to laugh about it.

I probably laugh too much. I was chatting to one of my best friends yesterday before I went to church, dragging the guy I actually like (you can all be as shocked as I was) along for the first time. She said to me “Stop worrying, it’ll be fine, so far everything else has been perfect.” I looked at her, dead in the eye, with a very straight face, and said “That is EXACTLY why I’m worried”.

Perfect and me don’t go together.

So anyway, went to church, it could have gone much worse, I keep telling myself that… I also laughed out loud on a number of occasions because it was by far the most ‘out there’ service I’ve ever been to there. Sigh.

But here’s the REALLY weird part of the day… I came home and went to my room to find a dozen roses on my bed. We then went to the beach and swam and lay sunbathed, then finished off the evening with a lovely dinner eating some of my favourite foods.

Gosh darn it, it was so damn perfect it made me want to cry.

I wish I was one of these people who could stop and appreciate how lucky I am, and how incredible my life has been. But I’m not.

I’m the kind of person who has enough doubt and fear I’d never have to work another day in my life if I could translate it into money. I’ve had a life of many blessings but I’ve also had many hurts and many failures.

And I sadly let it control how I look at life now. I’m working on that. It’s just a slow progression from ‘fearful and doubtful’ to ‘certain and secure’.

People often seem a little taken back when I admit I’m genuinely afraid and certain everything will end terribly.

I’m not sure why that comes as a surprise. It’s very simple. It’s the same reason you don’t want to touch an electric fence, or why you don’t put your hand on a hot element, or why you always let a hot cup of tea sit before you take a drink: you know damn well it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt, so you don’t do it. And sometimes you forget and get distracted and you sip that hot cup of tea too soon or you grab the electric fence before turning it off…but it doesn’t change the outcome.

While I’m well and truly aware being loved and loving someone is not exactly the same, it’s the same principal behind why I’m afraid. If it hurts every time you do it, you’re going to stop wanting to do it.

But I’m starting to look at it another way. When I was teaching kids to horse ride they’d often fall off. It was sometimes a little bit funny, because it’s in that moment you know if they’re going to make it as a horse rider. If they can fall off, get back up, dust themselves off, and get back on…they’re going to be able to be a great horse rider. If they lie on the ground bawling their eyes out and not wanting to get back on, well they’re probably not going to go far. Because you can’t be afraid of the fall if you’re going to push yourself to heights humans probably shouldn’t go with a 500kg animal.

I’ve fallen off my horse so many times I’ve genuinely lost count, it would be well into the 100’s. I’ve spent hours at the physio, at the chiropractor, and I’ve had lesson after lesson after lesson. Yet I keep getting back on that horse.

Because I know a horse will do unexpected things; it will spook stationary objects, it will decide it doesn’t feel like jumping that jump for no particular reason, it will decide it wants to gallop around the paddock for hours before it lets you catch it, it will buck you off because it didn’t feel like working… you get the picture.

And time and time again I forgive it, I find ways to improve the situations, and I work on it until we’re enjoying it. I also sometimes give up and sell the damn thing because I just can’t be bothered with the crap anymore.

People aren’t much different. People do unexpected things. And sometimes you just have to accept it has nothing to do with you as a person, and find ways to fix the problem and work on it.

Unfortunately I can’t sell people, that’s illegal, so I have to just walk away when I’ve had enough and there isn’t anything else I can do.

It’s not about me. It’s not personal. It’s just about saying ‘ok, I know there are things I need to work on, and it’s time to find someone I work better with’. But just like I’ve found my one horse I love to pieces and am willing to put up with the little bits of crap because all the other times are incredible, I will eventually find my person I love to pieces and am willing to endure life with…good and bad. And if I don’t I’ll just collect horses and cats and dogs and have my cute little cottage on a cliff top all to myself.

Lately I’ve found a pretty awesome human. And I like him.

I also freaked out and shut down a little last night because everything was so damn perfect. But I’ll come right. Eventually I’ll be able to human normally around him. Or just in general. Being able to human effectively in general would be nice.

My brain is screaming at me a little like ‘dude! We were only just single and now you’ve gone and down this, like what the hell? I don’t even know what to do with all THIS’. And I’m just like ‘yeah, yeah I know, now here’s some inspirational quotes, deal with it’.

As usual I’m trying to cope using my ability to take the piss out of myself. I even dragged my tired butt out of bed at 6am to go to the gym to punish my body even more. But I have goals and I’m determined.

So I’m going for it. I’m still not used to someone I like seeing me all sweaty and looking as though I’m genuinely on deaths door.

I’m not one of these people who look ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’ and ‘babe’n’ while working out. I despise people who do and stare at them in the gym wondering if they’re possibly robots.

So that’s my life at the moment. It’s a bit wonderful, a bit scary, and there’s a lot to accomplish. But I have faith it’s going to work out just fine, and just how it’s meant to. I’m putting a focus on spending more time with my family and I’m making sure I get out of bed at least a few times a week at 6am to work out.

I’m prepared to work for what I want. And I’m not prepared to let anything, or anyone, stop me from getting there. I think this year will be one of personal development and realising life is more than your fears.

Bring it on!

(Someone also please get me coffee because I need that if I’m going to be all ‘yes I can do it!’…that takes motivation and without coffee… well… just get me the coffee please)

Gosh darn normal

It’s 11.53pm and I should be asleep. I should have been asleep hours ago. I managed to sleep straight through my two alarms this morning and stumble out of bed at the time I should have been walking into the office. I made it, eventually, dressed, surprisingly, and wearing some makeup. I didn’t get to my hair so I gave up and put it in a half-hearted ponytail.

Why am I awake still at such a late hour? Well I decided it was about time I blogged. I’ve been trying painfully to write something, anything, on here for some time now. It’s been weeks and I still have no idea what to say. Not because I have nothing to say, I just have no idea how to put what I want to say into words. That rarely happens to me and it’s making me just about as angry as I was when I found out I’d slept through my alarm.

My muscles hurt, mainly my abs because I had the fantastic idea to work them out numerous days in a row at the gym. That’s right, you read it correctly, I’m going to the gym! Why? I ask myself that every time I’m there; I’m training for the police force! Yes, I know, telling you I want to be a cop AND that I’m going to the gym in one paragraph might be a little overwhelming and hard to believe…but it’s true!

It’s possible I’m delusional from lack of sleep and too much working out but life lately has felt a little bit like a dream; I’m waiting to wake up right where I left it, stepping off the plane from my four month trip.

It’s been nearly four months since I stepped off that plane. It’s been four long, exciting, hard, and challenging months.

I’m working toward the police force, I’m running, I’m going to the gym, I’m enjoying my jobs, I’ve found a young girl to ride my horse so I can focus on other areas of life, I’ve enrolled in a psychology diploma, and I’ve been spending time with someone new.

My life right now is so normal it makes me certain it’s not reality. Nothing right now in life is hard. It’s all there, normal, challenging but simple. I don’t feel like I’m climbing a mountain. And sometimes I just sit in silence with this new person, not because I have nothing to say, but because I just want to savour the moments where I don’t have to be anything other than myself as I am right now. I go on dates and walks and meet him at the gym. I have brunches with my friends and nights out with the girls. I’m planning a camping trip with a group of my favourite people and I’m enjoying my jobs. I run on the beach in the morning. I don’t think there has ever been a point in my life I felt this normal.

I honestly don’t know what to make of it.

Because I’m still hurting, I’m still scared, I’m still dreaming that dream where Alex looks at me and says “I don’t love you anymore”. I desperately want to escape it. I want to explain to this new person just how hard loving me can be. I want to run because I finally have my life back and I don’t want anyone to take that from me. I want to be on my own because it’s easier. It feels safer. Because people hurt people they love.

At the same time I know that is all coming from a place of hurt. It’s coming from fear and shitty people. It’s not how my future is going to play out.

I refuse to let the past control what I could have now.

And I refuse to be weak and throw away something wonderful. Because he’s not him. He has nothing to do with the past.

I’m sticking with the motto of ‘if I can get back up then, I can get back up again’.

For the first time in many years I have a strange sense of faith that it’s going to work out just fine.

It’s exciting, I’m happy, and life is normal.

So gosh darn normal it’s refreshing.

 

 

Catch my breath

I’ve been sitting in front of my computer, on my bed in Canada (family holiday), for over an hour now trying to put together my thoughts in sentences long enough to construct a blog. I could blame the concussion a few days ago, or I could blame this irritating case of writers block.

I tend to find I suffer from writers block when I have a bunch of thoughts but I don’t actually know what I want to say. So, on days like these (or weeks in this case) I sit down and listen to a whole heap of random songs I can relate to, I zone out of life, and I make myself write random things here.

I’ve reached a new phase of what I’ve come to call ‘post breakup’. I’m well past the break up and it’s now learning how to cope with all the changes in my personality. It’s almost like meeting a new person and getting to know all the strange quirks about them…but it’s me. I’m learning about all the strange quirks I never had before.

I’ve decided I want to get a tattoo. I’m not sure why that’s a defining point of change, but I’ve decided it is. That’s my moment. It’s the acceptance that I’m different; life is different, and it’s time to get used to that.

The other day I was talking to someone who said they had worked through issues in a marriage because they couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, that the person they were with was it and if they weren’t with them they wouldn’t be with anyone else. That’s exactly how I felt. In some ways it’s still how I feel. It’s not that I don’t want someone else, it’s that my mind is still getting used to that idea and it might take some time. But I’m a firm believer that things change, and when they do, you have to change your thinking. I’m damn excited about the people I’m meeting…and I pat myself on the back everyday that I can keep moving forward.

Lately I’ve met someone who has caught me off guard. People don’t do that. I’m rarely surprised by people. Actually, I can’t remember the last time someone new took my breath away. And it’s the first time I haven’t wanted to run, fast. It gives me hope. A kind of hope I’d actually completely forgotten about. It doesn’t mean I won’t run, I’m a fast runner, but it does mean that I’m learning. I am coming to terms with the fact life is going to be ok and there are people out there who will surprise me, excite me, inspire me, challenge me, and just make me smile about something completely ordinary. And it’s ok to care about someone…even if they hurt you. Caring is a really nice feeling.

I refuse to let past hurts control my life or control what I give to and see in people. If someone throws my trust back in my face, if they turn out to be nothing like I thought, who the hell cares? I’ve lived through worse. I never stop getting back up when I’ve been kicked down. And that’s not going to change. I refuse to be afraid of something incredible incase it’s something painful.

I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in my future, and that’s bothering me considerably at the moment, but this year is all about my life and what I want in it. For the first time I’m allowing myself space, I’m giving myself permission to make my life about what I want rather than what someone else wants from me. I have two exciting volunteer projects I’m really excited to throw myself into and I’m looking forward to figuring out and mastering my office/marketing job(s). I’m planning to explore my own country a little bit more, attend a bunch of festivals, get a tattoo or two, master surfing…and the list goes on.

It’s easy to lose focus on what’s actually important, now, and worry about the future. It’s something I need to write on a mirror and remind myself every single time I get up… that life is happening now. It will work out. Trust God and stop wasting energy.

That’s easier said than done.

But I will get there. And as afraid as I am about letting someone into a life I’ve finally managed to call my own, I know whoever I do let in is going to be someone pretty special. And if it’s just me this year, that’s cool too. I’m really, really ok with it.

There’s moments I want to burst into happy tears and give myself a high five. I’m learning; I’m recovering. Loving people doesn’t have to hurt and when it does, it’s still worth it.

I’m still worth something. I’m still loveable. I am still the amazing person I was, if anything I’m even better. I’m allowed to love myself.

While I’ve been over here in Canada I’ve missed my friends in a way I’ve never missed people, I’ve craved coffee dates and chats and nights out. Every time I see my sister snuggle with her fiancé it doesn’t make me crave that exact thing, it makes me crave the people I care about. That’s the first time in my entire life I’ve craved genuine company rather than wanting something someone else has.

It makes me smile every time I think about how many things I am blessed with and how certain I am, that no matter what changes and who moves and who I meet, I will always want quality people in my life, and in unlimited amounts.

I’m this strange mix of absolutely terrified, sad, excited, happy, and completely content.

So here’s to the next stage of getting back up, standing tall, moving forward, and living life.

Listen to this cool remix.

Peace out!

P.s Canada is amazing in every single way and I’m coming back here. Actually I think I’m going to live here.

#lifeisbloodybrilliant

 

 

 

Happy-go-lucky

The count down to Canada has begun! It’s less than a week before I fly out of the country and I’m still yet to figure out what on earth I’m packing. Sickness has found me once again in the form of a cold and all sorts of average feelings. But I had it coming really, my body doesn’t love take aways, no sleep, and alcohol for over a week! Running around in the rain probably didn’t help either. Never the less I’m now taking the hint and sleeping as much as is humanly possible while still working and occasionally eating. Ugh, I must be getting old. I’m now adding ‘don’t drink vodka’ to my New Years resolution list. Lately I seem to swing between wanting to cuddle up in bed with a good book and my cat and wanting to go clubbing all night and never sleep. I’m some weird combination of grown up and someone trying to relive their teenage years.

When I began 2015 my only new years resolution was to be ‘unapologetically me’. At the time I wasn’t entirely sure what that looked like, all I knew is I was tired of trying to make people happy or impress them and either putting on or shutting down parts of who I was to achieve that. I’d actually forgotten about it when I made 2016’s resolutions, until the other night. I was sitting with one of my best friends when he turned to me after a moment of silence and said “I’ve never met anyone who is so good at being themselves as you are”. It’s funny because I rarely stop to think about what I come across to people as. I know from feedback on my blog that each person reads what I write differently, and I really enjoy that, but I haven’t often stopped to think about how my friends perceive me or my life for that matter.

Quite often I get so focused and just doing my thing I don’t get the chance to congratulate myself on how far I’ve come or pat myself on the back for things I’ve achieved.

I have indeed managed to become unapologetically me and I now know what that looks like: me being me without trying – the people who like who I am, stay and those who don’t, leave. I really like who I am as a result of it and while it’s meant losing a few major people in my life, I’ve made even better friends and become closer to the some of ones I already had.

Part of my being me plan was to live life large; start saying yes more and getting out of my comfort zone. After travelling like I did I thought comfort zones were a thing of the past and getting out of them was a piece of cake. I was wrong, like I usually am, and I’ve found being single one of the hardest things to get used to in terms of meeting guys and striking up conversation with people. I don’t think many people realise just how comforting it is to have that one ‘person’ there for them and how little you rely on other people when in a relationship. Suddenly now I’m single I rely on people like I never have before. I need my friends around me; I need people to laugh with, have nights out with, talk to about random things in my day, share exciting things with, all the little things I shared in a relationship I’ve found other people to share them with. But that, until now, was a very daunting thing. And it still is at times. My happiness is reliant on a lot of different people, I’m still feeling vulnerable, those people can and will move and change and carry on with their own lives just like I will with mine…and I have no say about that. It’s scary. The unknown is scary.

But it’s also exciting. I’m learning to just enjoy the now and the people I have right now. I never thought I’d care about people or want to help people the way I do now. I’ve found the more I go through and the more I see in life the more determined I am to get alongside other people; face life together.

I had another friend point out the other day that I “do so many cool exciting things all the time”. Again, I’d never stopped to think about it. But I suppose when I add up the travelling, the hobbies, the nights out, I am in fact living life large. I’m enjoying every moment of it and I’m grabbing it by the horns. Instead of thinking about it, I’m just doing it. And I think that’s the best way to approach it.

I’ve become a happy-go-lucky people person and that was never something I expected. I looked at people who loved life and frolicked in genuine happiness with a bunch of amazing friends as foreign objects. I honestly had no idea how people did that. Yet just like that, I’m one of those people. When I say just like that I don’t really mean I closed my eyes one night and woke a up different person. I think it’s more a case of the deeper the sadness and hurt you face and the more you see of the world, the more you make the most of the good times and the faster you recover in the bad. It’s not that you ever really stop being sad about the really sad things, you just carry them around in a different way. I’m doing a terrible job of explaining this, but hopefully you get the jist.

So I’m going to stop there before I ramble on into oblivion. Bring on another 12 hour sleep night, healthy food, staying out of the rain, and having cuddles with my cat.

#Icanbeagrownupsometimes

Au revoir 2015!

Well, we’ve finally made it! The end of 2015 is finally here and what a year it has been. I was trying to avoid doing the whole ‘New Year, new me’ blog, but whatever, I couldn’t resist. I have no self control. In terms of writing anyway! I’m still a little buzzed on too much coffee from a road trip of 6.5hrs from Russell, Bay of Islands back to my home in Tauranga so this blog might come out in all sort of weirdness, but here goes!

2015 was one of the up and down years of my life. I’ve achieved things I never thought I would and I’ve seen both good and difficult changes in my life and myself as a person. I’ve travelled 9 countries, met people who took my breath away, hiked the alps, drank the best wine I’ve ever tasted in France, started learning French, changed careers, reconnected and built new friendships. Life is nothing like I imagined it would be but it never ceases to be incredible even during the struggles. If 2015 is anything to go by 2016 ought to be one hell of a ride!

I’ve picked up the rest of my stuff from Alex’s, I’ve met a few new people, accidentally taken things the wrong way, have concluded I suck at meeting new people and can’t communicate like a normal person…but in general, I have faith it’s all going to be alright!

On that note I think it’s time to write a good ol’ list of goals for this year! Yep, I actually have New Years resolutions this year!

  1. Run 5km at 5mins per km
  2. Achieve 30 pushups without feeling like I’m dying
  3. Work hard enough to earn commission from marketing jobs
  4. Obtain firearms licence
  5. Learn to dive
  6. Become 80 per cent fluent in French
  7. Volunteer twice a week
  8. Get involved in church
  9. Go on adventures

There’s not actually that many but they’re all harder than they might seem to achieve…for me anyway. So instead of adding more to the to do list I thought I’d also write a list of the ways I want to live my life this year…

  1. Take. Things. Slowly – relationships
  2. Don’t be afraid of something wonderful
  3. Don’t drag old hurts into new beginnings (yeah, that one’s not easy)
  4. Know what I want and stick to it
  5. Know what I don’t want and avoid it
  6. Never be afraid to take a step beyond the comfort zone
  7. Don’t hold back because of fear
  8. Friends first, men second
  9. Appreciate something in every day
  10. Don’t live life in order to keep up with or impress others
  11. Never apologise for being happy
  12. Avoid coffee…
  13. Stop planning, start living
  14. Be the best damn version of myself I can be

So there you have it folks!

24. ways to love life (and be strange)

Today is the kind of day I spend watching movie trailers rather than a whole movie. It’s not because I don’t like watching whole movies, there’s just some days I sit still for too long and my brain is like, ‘Well the least you can do is not do the same thing for long periods of time while sitting still’. And I say, ‘alright, let’s just watch movie trailers and make up the endings’. I should not be left alone.

This sickness has taken over my body. I was getting annoyed about it until I realised that I’ve only been home a little over eight weeks and that’s probably not enough time for my immune system to have got on board with the winter bugs all you people are now immune too. Ah the downfalls of skipping winter.

My little brother and I had a chat today as he was procrastinating and decided to keep me company. He announced, while I was whinging about being older but not caring, “Well, you are closer to 40 than you are to being born.” And I looked at him with a sudden realisation that, that, is indeed very true. It shouldn’t be as frightening as it is. But some days I wake up and think to myself, “I’m sure I’m still 20 and the last two years have been a strange and really realistic nightmare.” But sadly I am wrong. And they are real.

It began to sink in when I thought about my five year life goals. I don’t have set plans now, just goals, and I was like, yeah, five years is a good aim for a house and possibly a little bit of land and another cat. Maybe I’ll travel three of four times as well. THEN, it hit me. I’ll be 27 in five years. 27. THAT’S NOT FAR AWAY.

I also realised I have a little brother who is going to be 17 in a few months. And a sister who’s talking about buying a house with her boyfriend. Me? I’m dreaming about my next trip overseas and what kind of coffee I’m ordering for work.

My biggest problem right now is I’ve taken to sleeping in the middle of my bed… and now there’s an indent and it’s uneven and that bothers me considerably.

Being single is a strange world to navigate after so much time spent in a relationship. For starters, there’s all these strange rules about talking to people… and I’m all like ‘But, but, I just want to talk ’cause they’re cool?!’ And people are like ‘Whoa, but you can’t just TALK, you have to FLIRT, and you have to be hard to get and stuff!’ And I’m like ‘SHUT UP INTERNET, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!’

So I’m instead buying a world map and picking places to travel and loving my cat who comes to see me once a day for food… and talking to people I think are cool when I want. And I might seem strange. And that’s because I really am strange.

My little brother weighed in on this topic and after making me feel old, made me feel a bit better by saying, “Just be you.” And I thought that was sweet. He’s right though. It may mean I end up alone with 10 horses and 50 cats after travelling the world three times over. But what’s so wrong with that? I’ll figure it out. But I decided to write a few ‘rules’ of my own to tell the internet just what I think of it’s ‘being single’ advice.

  1. Say strange things because it’s fun
  2. If someone can talk about food for more than two sentences, they’re going to be a good person to talk to.
  3. Speak to people when you want to speak to them, not just when you’re lonely.
  4. People will stop talking to you sometimes, and you’re going to be really quite ok with that.
  5. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to hide a personality trait to be accepted.
  6. Speak using GIF’s on Facebook chat. It’s great fun.
  7. Never stop wondering what more life could offer and going after it.
  8. Keep it simple. It is what it is. STOP OVER THINKING LIFE.
  9. Dance randomly
  10. Sing loudly (in public so people give you funny looks)
  11. Fall in love with parts of your life you’d forgotten were so good
  12. Love the people you have and appreciate them for the crazy humans they are.
  13. Don’t cry when you kill the pot plant…buy another one and try again.
  14. Be a little bit more of yourself each day
  15. Pet an animal daily
  16. Set goals you’d have never thought about before
  17. Exercise regularly…push yourself beyond what you’ve previously been capable of.
  18. Go out and look damn good
  19. Be excited for someone about something that’s important to them.
  20. Run along the beach in the middle of the night with alcohol and friends (alone would just be weird).
  21. Buy yourself a present because you damn well can.
  22. Ask people random questions when you meet them and have fun watching their surprised reactions.
  23. Eat chocolate, drink wine.
  24. Never underestimate the power of laughter!

And there you have it.

Enjoy fellow blog readers!