Even one step is still movement

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” – Bell Hooks, All About Love

It’s been a struggle street as anyone who’s read my blog lately will know. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You all come here for a laugh or a bit of information and I’ve been shoving pity parties in your face for months.

Never the less, I am back.

While I’m still wallowing in moments of ‘I CAN’T DO THIS’…I’ve decided it’s time to get the big girl pants on and be brave.

That might sound a little sarcastic. It’s not meant to.

Here’s the thing about not only changing my complete life direction, but also wanting a job that I can throw every ounce of spare energy into; it’s daunting. I’m living in a space of constant pushing; constant needing to be more, do more, achieve more, learn more.

To make big moves you have to take big steps.

And sometimes, that’s damn terrifying.

Ok, ok, here’s what that looks like for me right now. Jobs. There are jobs every three or so weeks that come up which I think ‘YES, THAT IS WHAT I WANT!’

But, there is always a list of necessary requirements. Most jobs I feel as though I could fit that, I could do that and/or I have the skills and have previously achieved it.

But with every job that makes me think ‘YES’, is a little voice that goes ‘oh but you can’t do that!’

Sush little voice, it’s not your turn right now.

Here’s what being brave looks like: I’ve written copious cover letters. I have edited, rewritten and I have attempted to perfect my CV. Now, I need to send that. I need to click apply and just do it.

It sounds easy.

But it’s the first step toward ‘YES, I’m doing life a different way now’.

I don’t actually have a ‘plan’. I couldn’t give you my ideal job description without changing it about five times and adding in almost every skill I have into a job description I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist.

What I do know: I want to make a change in people’s lives and I have the skills, and at the very least the determination and energy, to do that.

And that voice is the one that needs to be heard.

If I don’t get an interview, so what? If I don’t get the job? So what. I’m still taking the first step toward the possibility. And that’s something I constantly remind myself of…it’s not a failure if it’s not successful, it’s just not the right time and the right thing.

There will be another thing and a right time. Patience.

Making big life changes is terrifying and anyone who has ever just up and said ‘enough is enough I’m making something of myself’ knows what that feels like. It’s not that I didn’t have a great job in the past, it’s not that I don’t have a good one now. It’s that I’m searching for the job I want to stay up till midnight working on.

I know, I’m mad right?

But when someone asked the other day what my 10 year vision was I said (among other things) to have a job I enjoyed so much, I wanted to work over 50 hours a week doing it.

I have energy and I’m incredibly ambitious. Not for myself, but because I have a vision for what I want this country to look like…so I’m pretty determined to go after that and make it happen.

But with that comes drive and energy I didn’t realise I actually had in me…unless we’re talking about running. I never have enough energy or drive for that.

However, it’s easy to be ‘busy’ doing things that don’t actually get you any further. I used to hate being bored because I hated having the time for thoughts to take over and self doubt to creep in. I often avoided being alone with silence because silence can be a very terrifying thing.

You might be wondering why I began this blog with the quote I did…

Because learning to be alone for me, was the first step toward making changes that I always wanted to make, but was far to afraid to make them. People were a little perplexed as to why I wanted to go hiking in Austria alone. It’s a country people from New Zealand don’t venture to much. Hiking in Autumn is an odd thing to do. And it’s pretty remote and few people speak English.

I knew it’s what I needed.

I needed to be alone to learn to support myself, love myself, and process thoughts in a positive way. I needed to lean on myself first so when I lent on other people it wasn’t because I needed to avoid myself, it would be because I need them as the person they are with the skills they have. And a mountain in the middle of Austria is a pretty great way to do that.

What do I want to do? I’m not 100 per cent sure. What do I want to achieve? Now that I am very sure of. And being alone gave me time to realise the honest truth of that: what I was doing, wasn’t even close to achieving what I wanted to achieve.

And that might have lead to the end of a relationship, landing on my parents door and bunking down back at home for a year and being jobless periodically…but you know what…it was still worth it.

Now instead of being busy doing things for the sake of being busy…I’m doing things that have a purpose and a point and will hopefully point me in the right direction.

Even one step is still movement.

I’m an ideas person and I’ve started allowing myself to follow ideas. I need to get a diary for jotting them all down. But in the past it’s been pretty easy to say ‘well actually nah, that’s not worth doing.’

I mean I still probably have at least five ideas a day that really aren’t useful. However, I’ve stopped being annoyed at myself for that. Ideas good or bad are great. It means I’m thinking in such a way that can create change.

So that’s my positive vibes for Friday. I hope you’re all as pumped as I am for the weekend! I’m taking Monday off to spend it at the mountain because sometimes it’s good to make time for having fun for the sake of it.

Till next time x

#bringiton

Right! Time to get back to the positive happy go lucky vibes usually floating around this blog. Today started in the same way a deflated balloon eventually pops weeks after the party. It just kind of gets tired and gives up.

Work has been…interesting to say the least lately. I spend 95 per cent of my time back tracking because ideas have been ditched, plans changed… and I’m kind of just treading water. I’m achieving plenty if you go by my spreadsheets! But I fear if I see another ‘business development’ idea that involves me calling through lists and lists of people, I may just curl up under my desk with Spotify and hide.

Just kidding… I love business development! I would just love it more if I could actually make some progress!

My office has this incredible view of the harbour, which is wonderful for increases of prolonged sanity in the office. I’ve also discovered Spotify after Apple Music drove me insane enough I quit my subscription. So I now have a bunch of bubbly, inspirational songs on repeat and instead of getting mad about road blocks, I just do a little boggy in my chair.

Though, you’d be surprised about how many strange song are out there at the moment!

So I’m planning a trip at the end of the year…this time PHILIPPINES!  Why?

Google it.

It looks like a place I could spend forever.

Maybe I will? Maybe, that is the solution to my life; just avoid it!

People do do that.

I wonder what it would take to bring a horse to the Philippines? And a cat…can’t forget about Charlie.

Hmmm…if anyone wins lotto, just keep me in mind please.

I have started to research and am attempting to get my head around trading. Stocks, currency, it all looks rather intriguing. I mean, I’m not really making much headway where I’m heading at the moment, so why not?

Not sure if anyone has realised…but we have this amazing thing called the internet which while useful for looking at pictures of cats and stupid Buzzfeed articles…you can also use it to become smarter and find new ways of getting ahead! Who knew?

Because I have more plans than I do money, I’m doing a few other jobs like teaching and showhome hostessing. I love hostessing. You essentially hang out in a lovely home and chat to people all day about what their goals and dreams are for their future properties. I’m also super pumped to start teaching horse riding again. It is definitely one of the things I regret not doing more of.

I’ve also decided to expand on my volunteer stuff. Currently I hang out with a bunch of kids at church every second Sunday, which is super fun.

I did not think I would enjoy it…but man it’s so much fun! I don’t know if I have more fun than the kids. I even had them teach me how to make a paper plane.

I’ve discovered I do not spend enough time doing child like things.

And that’s a problem.

Anyway, my new volunteer stuff is developing at the moment but it has to do with my passion: rehabilitation and crime reduction. I’m also trying to figure out how to write my book! I have a book! Well, I will have a book.

So that’s the good stuff.

I also have good coffee, good wine, and plenty of good music! One can’t really complain about that can they?

I’m on the hunt for a full filling job where I can grow. I’m making headway with volunteer work. And I’m finally getting back into doing the things I love to do outside of work…while making money.

I might be moving slowly, but I think I might be moving!

I’ve gone from treading water to a slow breast stroke style of swimming!

#bringiton

 

Don’t dig your heals in and hold the door frame

I’ve been trying to hold back tears at work this morning. My throat is a little bit sore and my tummy isn’t loving me today so it could just be I’m getting sick and being emotional comes from that. But it’s a very strange mix of happy emotions and sad. As I sat looking at my Instagram (bet there hasn’t been an emotion inducing sentence quite like that before), I couldn’t help but be a little in love with my life and incredibly sad that things are moving on.

While I was travelling I noticed something about the way I viewed the world; I began to fall in love with how things smelt, how they felt, with the perfectly imperfectness of it. I fell in love with cloudy, rainy days in the mountains, with the bad smells in the markets in Cambodia, with the loneliness of travelling Vietnam by myself, with the stupid bike with the flat tire and plastic seat that caused chaffing. All the things that were wrong made it something. I loved the perfect things, but I was in love with the imperfect ones. They were what tested my character and what I noticed made the biggest changes in my personality.

I can’t deny the statement of ‘I was a different person when I came home’. It’s so cliché I haven’t wanted to use that so far. But I can’t think of any way around it. I was a much harder person, my heart had a much smaller capacity to love, and my walls refused to allow me the luxury of being in love with anything.

The world is an incredible thing to be in love with.

So where does all the emotion today come from? Well, when I came back from that trip, life was anything but perfect and it was anything but what I expected, but I loved it. I don’t think I’ve ever just relaxed, let my walls down, let my guard down and enjoyed where life was going like I did then. It’s normal I want to keep hold of that.

But things are changing, in great, wonderful, spectacular ways, but they’re different. That photo on my Instagram, a really lovely imperfect black and white shot of my besty and I on our last walk before she heads away, captured all of that. It captured how incredible being in love with the imperfect is – with the things that catch you off guard, that surprise you from nowhere.

I’m fighting back tears she’s leaving. And I’m incredibly happy that I feel that way. It means I’ve learnt to care deeply and not to shut off because it’s hard to say goodbye.

It’s easy to get caught up in life and just keep moving; we rarely stop to appreciate the moment of change, or how far we’ve come.

It’s not easy to move on from things you’ve left behind. Actually, it’s really bloody hard.

I spent several years looking on Facebook at people horse riding and competing. It was torture to see them doing what I expected to be doing. But just because it was hard to move on didn’t mean it was what I was meant to be doing it. It just meant it meant something to me. I loved competing, but there came a time where that wasn’t where I was headed anymore. It’s not my journey, it’s someone else’s. It’s what I thought was mine. But it wasn’t. It’s prepared me for many, many more journeys though.

When I watched my best friend get married and my little sister get engaged I struggled. That was the journey I wanted to be on, what I thought was what I was meant to be doing. But I was wrong at the time. It doesn’t mean it won’t be my journey, it’s just not where I was meant to be at the time. I struggled because it meant something to me, not because what I wanted was right.

Now I sit and see journalists ace stories, I see people doing my job well, I see people winning and making waves and I hear of good stories and I pine after it. I wanted it so badly to be me. But I know, deep down, where I’m headed now is where I am meant to be heading. I miss it, because it meant something, not because it’s where I should be now.

And there are days I still miss the farm. I still see photos of life back then and I miss it. I still get along with Alex. The last time we spoke it was like old friends catching up. But that doesn’t mean it was right. It’s not what either of us needed any longer. And sometimes I struggle with that because it meant something to me.

We all struggle to move on because it meant something. But staying put and chasing the past does not get that back. It doesn’t make it right.

We want to run back to what is familiar and comfortable when times are tough. When we see great change ahead it’s normal to want to run and hide under our blankets and let life stay where it is; where it’s comfortable.

Making things happen, being something, achieving something, satisfaction, love, being in love, travel… all of it is incredible, all of it is within our reach…but don’t ever expect it to feel comfortable.

You’re stepping outside of a comfort zone, that’s how you get somewhere. It’s never going to feel comfortable.

I imagined life to be much more ‘collected’ – a series of events which take place in a controlled chronological order. But it’s not at all. It’s often an unpredictable series of events, at times the events don’t always make sense. But you’ll look back one day and realise what those stepping stones, those branches that smacked you in the face, that mud which held you back, those roots you tripped over… were there for.

When you’re feeling the least comfortable, when you know deep down moving on is right, achieving is right, but you’re still stuck wanting what is familiar, think to yourself, back to a time in your life you struggled to let go and just think, what would life be like if it had never changed from then? Would you really still be happy if it had stayed exactly the same?

Would I be happy if things had stayed the same? No way.

I wouldn’t have a boyfriend who twirls me around the supermarket or turns up to work with flowers. I wouldn’t have had the balls to apply for the police, to start running, to study psychology. Heck, if life had stayed as wonderful as it first was when I started my job as a journalist I never would have left, I never would have gone overseas. Things change because we need them to, not always because we want them to.

Am I 100 per cent happy with where I am right now? No way. But I am in love with my life in every imperfect detail and every day I wake up proud of how far I have come and excited about what I can achieve… even the things I have no comprehension of right now. God’s got it.

But I struggle still to let go completely, to move on entirely, and to trust that there is a season for everything.

Who doesn’t?

So on that note, I’m off to continue eating my popcorn and sipping my tea, waiting for that 2pm to come around and for me to race out of here in search of weekend freedom!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1,2,3…25

It’s been five month since I arrived home. When I put it like that it doesn’t seem long at all, but I feel like I’ve lived a life time in that period! I’d have laughed if you’d told me, as I boarded that plane home from Paris, I’d be in marketing, PR and working as a office ‘doer of lots of things’ with a new relationship. I might have believed you if you’d told me I’d be applying for the police force and studying psychology. But I would have been surprised, because honestly, I never thought I had the guts to just get up and change everything.

There are many defining moments in a person’s life. As a child some of those might be learning to talk, to walk, to eat, to make friends… or not to. In your younger teen years you decide if you’re going to drink, have sex, date, drive, what hobbies you’ll pursue, what subjects at school you’ll chose. As a young adult you’ll decide where to study, what to study, how much effort you’ll put into that study…you’ll begin serious relationships or you might not. You’ll have to decide if you’re going to be the sober driver or risk a DIC. You’ll make tough choices about the right and wrong decision. You’ll decide to travel or not to, who you marry, when you’ll have kids. You might find out you can’t have kids and you choice you make then will definite a lot.Or you might not want them. That’s cool too.

We never stop making defining decisions.

So far I have made many, many defining life decisions. But I don’t look back and think ‘man I’m glad I kept trying to walk every time I fell over as a child’. I just got up and did it without ever stopping to think about the significance of it.

I think as we get older it’s easy to over think every decision. Anyone who knows me will have a chuckle at that. I’m the classic over thinker, I know I am, and I’m working on that ok?…in between the random freak-outs and tears…

I have a ‘what if’ for almost every occasion.

But the other side to my personality is my ability to just do it because my gut tells me it’s exactly where I’m meant to be. For every ‘what if’ I have a ‘why not?’

It’s very conflicting at times.

And it also makes for a very exciting, well thought through life.

I’m the sort of person who doesn’t sit still for long. I might fall down for a moment, and as my mother can attest to, lie in the middle of the living room floor because I just can’t face life at that moment, but I will always, always get up and find plan B. Sometimes plan B should have always been my plan A.

There I was, just before my medical assessment for the police, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous for anything…ever. I have never wanted something more than I want this. Not because it’s my plan B, but because while I was travelling I realised this was always meant to be my plan A, I just needed to do a few things before I could arrive here.

So it matters. It matter so damn much I can’t think of it not working out.

This is a life defining decision but I’m going to face many, many obstacles on that journey, just like I did when I learnt to walk.

I want more than anything to help people, to analyse people, to bring change, to discover things, to work with people to make things better. I want improvement, I want betterment, I want a life full of incredible surprises and breath taking moments of joy.

But that takes moments of tearful frustration, sore muscles, a tired mind, and late nights.

I have run five times a week for the past eight weeks. I’ve cut my run time for 2.4km from 17 minutes down to 13 minutes. I need to get another minute off, I want to get another two off.

That’s a massive goal for someone like me whose body thinks running is an odd concept only used during moments of high adrenaline.

The sixth day home from overseas I got on that treadmill. I knew damn well what I wanted but I also knew how far away from it I was. I managed to run 1km that day in 10 minutes. It took me a month and a half to be able to run 2km.

My legs ache, my ankles ache, my lungs burn. I hate that treadmill so much, so, so, so damn much.

I’ve gone from doing 6 push ups to 25 in the space of three months.

My arms ache every day, my back aches. My legs are currently covered in Kinesio tape from the knee down. I don’t think there is a muscle in my body that hasn’t hurt at some point in the past three months. I spend an hour a day in the gym five-six days a week.

I spend most of my afternoons working on assignments going over word counts, analysing data, and reading books for my psychology diploma. I owe my parents a nice little amount of money for that too…that’s worth a good trip overseas.

As for the travel I want to do at the end of the year… I work two jobs on top of study and fitness. Because I want to pay off my debt and I want to see the world.

The other day I flopped down at home, like I usually do after I get home from the gym, I was almost in tears. I’d upped the speed on the treadmill and struggled to make it to 2km before I had to stop. I put huge pressure on myself to achieve things quickly. Sometimes though, it’s really important to stop and congratulate yourself for making it this far without giving up.

I’m currently battling shin splints.

I really hate the debt I have.

I desperately want to make that run time.

I have absolutely no idea if I’m going to pass my assignments.

But it’s all for something. And I’m incredibly amazed with how I really did leave my job, go overseas, walk away from a relationship going no where, start again, find a new career goal, and take charge of my life. I just up and turned it all around because it wasn’t where I wanted to be going.

I don’t think enough people take charge of their lives and trust what they know is right.

It’s easy to sit down and sulk and go ‘I can’t do it, it’s too hard’. But I know what would be much harder than this right now, is sitting in the same place in a few years time wondering why I didn’t just go for it.

When I stop and I look back on just how far I’ve come in a very short space of time I remind myself that anything is possible if you’re crazy enough to believe it.

Big goals, take big sacrifices.

And on a rainy night last night all I wanted to do was curl up in bed with a good book and a cup of tea, but instead I finished an assignment and spent 40 minutes at the gym. I’m out of energy, out of motivation, but it’s one foot after another.

#neverstopstarting

(Yeah, I stole that from the Spark ad campaign… so what, it’s a good quote!)

Till next time!

Cheers to the new year and all it entails

Oh gosh I feel like a child neglecting their first goldfish, my lack of posts lately is appalling! BUT I am back, into the real world once again, of course just as terrified as a pony with 10 screaming kids but I am excited all the same! Wow that analogy could be taken a little badly… Anyway, my lack of posts is mainly because after moving and my increasing need to possibly commit bodily harm to my now ex flatmate, I thought it would be a good idea to go a little MIA for a while.

So now, I am in my new house, wishing I could kiss the ass of the old one but sadly it keeps following me around like Kim Dotcom follows around a KFC worker (line credit to Jayden) but of course because I lived with such outstanding citizens before, I am proceeding to have to clean up their left behind ‘we’ll get it later’ moments. Other than the fact in the last week I have cleaned up more substances in which I cannot actually identify than a 3rd time community servicer and dealt with one too many people whom I would love to write a long facebook rant to… I’m in a pleasantly good place.

The new house is wonderful, aside from the fact a gang of Smurfs (I’d like to pretend that’s what they are to keep my mind young and innocent) and their rivals somewhere around the corner, it’s a nice place. The garden is lovely, there’s lots of sheds and the house smells good since the other two flatmates realized the bad smell was the bag of garbage no one had bothered to move… and of course now I live with two amazing people who I think I can survive living with- without wanting to tear my hair and theirs out…

Here’s to a new year, new house, new friends, new connections, a new career and a new lease on life. I am excited, thrilled and rather frightened but at the same time surprisingly reassured that I am going to just fine and even if I make it out of this year greying prematurely, I will survive, I hope.

Woohoo.

Growing up or going nowhere?

As I was doing my causal cruise of face book tonight it took me by complete surprise how many people I know are getting married or having babies or trying to find good jobs. Making the life decision that really count. Now I’m not saying I’m old because I think at 19 I’m still a spring chicken. Well thats how I feel anyway.

I mean crap, and seriously, it’s like someone put my life on fast forward but forgot to actually catch me up- kind’ve like when online videos don’t load fast enough and you get that out of time voice over making everyone seem like they’re making pig faces. I don’t feel old enough to be worrying about graduating, finding a full time job, getting married, where I’m living. I’m pretty sure I’m still that innocent little good-two-shoes sitting quietly at the back of the class room desperately hoping I would do no wrong.

Life is one big great adventure but I’m pretty sure I’m still meant to be in the packing my bags stage, not the being thrown from the car at high speed into an area I don’t know expected just to stumble around till I get there. I mean, I might. Don’t get me wrong I may very well uncannily fall over something spectacular but its the watching everyone else around me growing up- knowing I’m growing up at the same stage- yet felling so so much younger and much less prepared to just venture on out like the sun will come out tomorrow.

Due to the fact I have discovered I am suffering ‘silent’ migraines- and I’m sure its only a special type of person, such as myself, who manages to still get a migraine and all the splendid symptoms with it but without the headache or even looking slightly sick! I mean what good is feeling like shiet if you look perfectly ok!? Anyway, because of that I am afraid I am rambling once again and will finish with pretty much this:

Grown up or not, I still want to be a little kid with all the little kid innocence and determination to explore the world yet live in a grown up world with all the grown up perks. The problem is the perks seem to drag around this kind’ve unwanted thing of expectations and responsibility. Which of course I love… but it’s the seemingly never ending, bite your nails till they are no more wait to see if you can actually make it through the lions cage into the big wide world.

That scares the gobstoppers into finally dissolving. And that takes a fair bit I might add.