Let go of the rope, breathe

Winter is finally here. It has wrapped its cool, comforting fingers around my face and I’m settling into a routine. I love winter. There is plenty to love about summer sure; long nights, festivals, parties, friends, less work, people have more energy. But winter is my one true love and always has been. There is just something stunning about waking up to a crisp morning, dressing warmly for the day and slipping out the door. I heap blankets on my bed, snuggle up and watch movies on weekends, hit the mountains snowboarding; winter is a time of family, fun, and peace for me. Oh and cuddles. Can’t beat a nice cuddle on a wintry day.

I was chatting to a friend this morning who’s off running around the world again. He’s off to Barcelona shortly. I’m jealous! I’d love to be off to Barcelona…or anywhere for that matter. But as we were chatting I did realise something, I’m remarkably comfortable with life. It’s been an adjustment, a really big one, over the past year and a half from loosing granddad, leaving journalism, to travelling, to the adjustment of coming back home. But suddenly, as I was chatting to Sam last night, I realised, actually, it’s time to let it all go.

Today is the first day I’ve felt ‘at home’ since I came back. It’s the first day I’ve looked around and realised my new normal is incredible. No it’s not quite as spectacular as travelling to Barcelona, but it’s lovely.

I have an incredible relationship, the sort I wake up each day and can’t believe my luck. I have a cute cat and he’s all mine, I’m loving my study, I’m good at my job and I’m enjoying it, my horse is happy and I can snuggle her every now and then. My stress levels are at an all time low and I’m feeling at peace.

It’s time to let go now of the past, of talking about it, of processing it. I am finally at a stage I’m really happy to not be moving on, but to have moved on.

Everyone adjusts to life at different paces, and I think I was struggling to accept I had indeed created the kind of life I craved, the kind of peace and happiness I’d never really allowed myself, the friendships that I envied in other people. It doesn’t need changing anymore, because what I have is everything I need.

This counselling paper I’m doing at the moment is interesting. As I work further through it and read more I can feel myself start to just relax. I’ve been able to feel on a deeper level, appreciate on a greater level, and love in a way I thought was only reserved for people who were naïve.

Essentially just get over the crap (putting it in a less airy fairy way, cause I think I’ve been dealing with too many marketing and psychology words lately!).

Love doesn’t have to have walls and precautions, work doesn’t have to be stressful, study can be enjoyable.

Life being simple can be a good thing. Let it be simple, let it be peaceful, let it be lovely.

I feel an overwhelming sense of freedom…and I didn’t realise a relationship could feel like that. I want to travel more, and I can travel, I want to explore a range of careers and move around, and I can do that, I want to write a book, I can do that.

No I’m not travelling the world or seeing incredible things or saving lives right now. But I’ll get there again at some point. There is a time and place for everything, and right now my time and place is here, with the people I have and with the things I’m doing.

I rush too much.

I’m learning to deal with that.

My room is a beautiful little haven now, Sam’s flatmates are a good laugh and I like being able to hijack them as my friends for the snowboarding season since mine have all run off to new places, I’m so lucky to be able to spend more time with my mum and dad now I’m living at home and see my little brother grow up a bit more, I’m lucky I’m just around the corner from my grandparents, and I love having Sam so close he can just come around for dinner.

I think I’ve been trying to hide from the happy emotions. I never wanted to move back to Tauranga, but what I wanted and what I needed were two very different things. I’ve been stubborn about admitting that. I feel at home here now. I love being here.

It’s taken me by surprise that I can in fact have the things in a relationship and in life that I’ve been craving and it’s actually not hard.

In a lot of ways, and we all already know this, it’s perspective over situation. My situation hasn’t changed since last week, or even yesterday, but my sudden realisation that I don’t need to be on the defensive toward my life and never allow myself to enjoy it for what it is, has changed my attitude.

Life now is an incredible amount better than what I’d planned. So I’ll admit it once again, because I tend to forget this lesson I’ve learnt: stop planning, start living, start enjoying, and go where it takes you.

And breathe. I don’t do that nearly enough.

 

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Au revoir 2015!

Well, we’ve finally made it! The end of 2015 is finally here and what a year it has been. I was trying to avoid doing the whole ‘New Year, new me’ blog, but whatever, I couldn’t resist. I have no self control. In terms of writing anyway! I’m still a little buzzed on too much coffee from a road trip of 6.5hrs from Russell, Bay of Islands back to my home in Tauranga so this blog might come out in all sort of weirdness, but here goes!

2015 was one of the up and down years of my life. I’ve achieved things I never thought I would and I’ve seen both good and difficult changes in my life and myself as a person. I’ve travelled 9 countries, met people who took my breath away, hiked the alps, drank the best wine I’ve ever tasted in France, started learning French, changed careers, reconnected and built new friendships. Life is nothing like I imagined it would be but it never ceases to be incredible even during the struggles. If 2015 is anything to go by 2016 ought to be one hell of a ride!

I’ve picked up the rest of my stuff from Alex’s, I’ve met a few new people, accidentally taken things the wrong way, have concluded I suck at meeting new people and can’t communicate like a normal person…but in general, I have faith it’s all going to be alright!

On that note I think it’s time to write a good ol’ list of goals for this year! Yep, I actually have New Years resolutions this year!

  1. Run 5km at 5mins per km
  2. Achieve 30 pushups without feeling like I’m dying
  3. Work hard enough to earn commission from marketing jobs
  4. Obtain firearms licence
  5. Learn to dive
  6. Become 80 per cent fluent in French
  7. Volunteer twice a week
  8. Get involved in church
  9. Go on adventures

There’s not actually that many but they’re all harder than they might seem to achieve…for me anyway. So instead of adding more to the to do list I thought I’d also write a list of the ways I want to live my life this year…

  1. Take. Things. Slowly – relationships
  2. Don’t be afraid of something wonderful
  3. Don’t drag old hurts into new beginnings (yeah, that one’s not easy)
  4. Know what I want and stick to it
  5. Know what I don’t want and avoid it
  6. Never be afraid to take a step beyond the comfort zone
  7. Don’t hold back because of fear
  8. Friends first, men second
  9. Appreciate something in every day
  10. Don’t live life in order to keep up with or impress others
  11. Never apologise for being happy
  12. Avoid coffee…
  13. Stop planning, start living
  14. Be the best damn version of myself I can be

So there you have it folks!