Catch my breath

I’ve been sitting in front of my computer, on my bed in Canada (family holiday), for over an hour now trying to put together my thoughts in sentences long enough to construct a blog. I could blame the concussion a few days ago, or I could blame this irritating case of writers block.

I tend to find I suffer from writers block when I have a bunch of thoughts but I don’t actually know what I want to say. So, on days like these (or weeks in this case) I sit down and listen to a whole heap of random songs I can relate to, I zone out of life, and I make myself write random things here.

I’ve reached a new phase of what I’ve come to call ‘post breakup’. I’m well past the break up and it’s now learning how to cope with all the changes in my personality. It’s almost like meeting a new person and getting to know all the strange quirks about them…but it’s me. I’m learning about all the strange quirks I never had before.

I’ve decided I want to get a tattoo. I’m not sure why that’s a defining point of change, but I’ve decided it is. That’s my moment. It’s the acceptance that I’m different; life is different, and it’s time to get used to that.

The other day I was talking to someone who said they had worked through issues in a marriage because they couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, that the person they were with was it and if they weren’t with them they wouldn’t be with anyone else. That’s exactly how I felt. In some ways it’s still how I feel. It’s not that I don’t want someone else, it’s that my mind is still getting used to that idea and it might take some time. But I’m a firm believer that things change, and when they do, you have to change your thinking. I’m damn excited about the people I’m meeting…and I pat myself on the back everyday that I can keep moving forward.

Lately I’ve met someone who has caught me off guard. People don’t do that. I’m rarely surprised by people. Actually, I can’t remember the last time someone new took my breath away. And it’s the first time I haven’t wanted to run, fast. It gives me hope. A kind of hope I’d actually completely forgotten about. It doesn’t mean I won’t run, I’m a fast runner, but it does mean that I’m learning. I am coming to terms with the fact life is going to be ok and there are people out there who will surprise me, excite me, inspire me, challenge me, and just make me smile about something completely ordinary. And it’s ok to care about someone…even if they hurt you. Caring is a really nice feeling.

I refuse to let past hurts control my life or control what I give to and see in people. If someone throws my trust back in my face, if they turn out to be nothing like I thought, who the hell cares? I’ve lived through worse. I never stop getting back up when I’ve been kicked down. And that’s not going to change. I refuse to be afraid of something incredible incase it’s something painful.

I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in my future, and that’s bothering me considerably at the moment, but this year is all about my life and what I want in it. For the first time I’m allowing myself space, I’m giving myself permission to make my life about what I want rather than what someone else wants from me. I have two exciting volunteer projects I’m really excited to throw myself into and I’m looking forward to figuring out and mastering my office/marketing job(s). I’m planning to explore my own country a little bit more, attend a bunch of festivals, get a tattoo or two, master surfing…and the list goes on.

It’s easy to lose focus on what’s actually important, now, and worry about the future. It’s something I need to write on a mirror and remind myself every single time I get up… that life is happening now. It will work out. Trust God and stop wasting energy.

That’s easier said than done.

But I will get there. And as afraid as I am about letting someone into a life I’ve finally managed to call my own, I know whoever I do let in is going to be someone pretty special. And if it’s just me this year, that’s cool too. I’m really, really ok with it.

There’s moments I want to burst into happy tears and give myself a high five. I’m learning; I’m recovering. Loving people doesn’t have to hurt and when it does, it’s still worth it.

I’m still worth something. I’m still loveable. I am still the amazing person I was, if anything I’m even better. I’m allowed to love myself.

While I’ve been over here in Canada I’ve missed my friends in a way I’ve never missed people, I’ve craved coffee dates and chats and nights out. Every time I see my sister snuggle with her fiancé it doesn’t make me crave that exact thing, it makes me crave the people I care about. That’s the first time in my entire life I’ve craved genuine company rather than wanting something someone else has.

It makes me smile every time I think about how many things I am blessed with and how certain I am, that no matter what changes and who moves and who I meet, I will always want quality people in my life, and in unlimited amounts.

I’m this strange mix of absolutely terrified, sad, excited, happy, and completely content.

So here’s to the next stage of getting back up, standing tall, moving forward, and living life.

Listen to this cool remix.

Peace out!

P.s Canada is amazing in every single way and I’m coming back here. Actually I think I’m going to live here.

#lifeisbloodybrilliant

 

 

 

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Au revoir 2015!

Well, we’ve finally made it! The end of 2015 is finally here and what a year it has been. I was trying to avoid doing the whole ‘New Year, new me’ blog, but whatever, I couldn’t resist. I have no self control. In terms of writing anyway! I’m still a little buzzed on too much coffee from a road trip of 6.5hrs from Russell, Bay of Islands back to my home in Tauranga so this blog might come out in all sort of weirdness, but here goes!

2015 was one of the up and down years of my life. I’ve achieved things I never thought I would and I’ve seen both good and difficult changes in my life and myself as a person. I’ve travelled 9 countries, met people who took my breath away, hiked the alps, drank the best wine I’ve ever tasted in France, started learning French, changed careers, reconnected and built new friendships. Life is nothing like I imagined it would be but it never ceases to be incredible even during the struggles. If 2015 is anything to go by 2016 ought to be one hell of a ride!

I’ve picked up the rest of my stuff from Alex’s, I’ve met a few new people, accidentally taken things the wrong way, have concluded I suck at meeting new people and can’t communicate like a normal person…but in general, I have faith it’s all going to be alright!

On that note I think it’s time to write a good ol’ list of goals for this year! Yep, I actually have New Years resolutions this year!

  1. Run 5km at 5mins per km
  2. Achieve 30 pushups without feeling like I’m dying
  3. Work hard enough to earn commission from marketing jobs
  4. Obtain firearms licence
  5. Learn to dive
  6. Become 80 per cent fluent in French
  7. Volunteer twice a week
  8. Get involved in church
  9. Go on adventures

There’s not actually that many but they’re all harder than they might seem to achieve…for me anyway. So instead of adding more to the to do list I thought I’d also write a list of the ways I want to live my life this year…

  1. Take. Things. Slowly – relationships
  2. Don’t be afraid of something wonderful
  3. Don’t drag old hurts into new beginnings (yeah, that one’s not easy)
  4. Know what I want and stick to it
  5. Know what I don’t want and avoid it
  6. Never be afraid to take a step beyond the comfort zone
  7. Don’t hold back because of fear
  8. Friends first, men second
  9. Appreciate something in every day
  10. Don’t live life in order to keep up with or impress others
  11. Never apologise for being happy
  12. Avoid coffee…
  13. Stop planning, start living
  14. Be the best damn version of myself I can be

So there you have it folks!

Another year older and a little bit wiser…sometimes

My butt is incredibly sore today. It’s a rather interesting way to end a birthday, but turns out sitting on it meant it needed massaging. And that hurt. But I think it’s going to be ok. With my flitting around the world this year it doesn’t quite feel time for my birthday to have come around again or that it’s been a year since granddad passed away. Charlie the cat is as weird as ever but he’s come around to sleeping on my bed and even thinks it’s fun to wake me up by standing on my head in the night. I spent the morning with mum at a spa for a detox treatment and I feel suitably loved and detoxed and filled with healthy chocolate. What on earth would the world do without chocolate?

The spa we went to gave me a little pink flower pot plant so I now have three living things that rely on me! I’m rather determined to keep it alive…the plant that is. I’m hoping the cat and horse can look after themselves a little because let’s be honest, I’m not actually that good at keeping even myself alive. But I’ve managed 22 years so that’s got to count for something!

I wanted to do a big post about how much has changed over the past year but sometimes there just aren’t words for things so here is a super brief recap:

I lost granddad, I brought a horse and sold a horse, Ivy had a baby horse and I sold him, I ran away overseas and travelled to nine countries in four months and absolutely loved it and learnt a bunch of life lessons, and I went from a four year relationship to single, I ended up with a cat. And here we are!

When I was a kid I always thought: “When I get to 21, life will be good”. I have no idea why it was 21, but I seemed to think life would stop there. I thought I’d have a car, a horse, a house, a job, and a degree and I’d be set for life. I have all that sure, but it’s nothing like I pictured and life is certainly not stopping here. I must chuckle at my much younger self and think, “Man, what am I going to think in another 10 years? Will I look back on my current self and think ‘how naive, if only you’d known’.” Yep, probably. But what I have come to realise is life never happens how you expect and even when it comes close to it, the feeling may be nothing like the one you’d anticipated. Walking away from my relationship was one of the hardest things to do. I wanted to fight, I wanted it to work. But I also hate giving up and sometimes I don’t know when to quit. Perhaps it was time to do so or perhaps I’m just stronger than I was four years ago, but I’m really quite ok. I’m sad in moments and angry in others but after losing people, seeing suffering in all parts of the world including my own, and having been diagnosed with a life altering health issue I feel like a break up is a mountain I’m well equipped to climb and with the support I have, there is absolutely no reason I won’t make a quick journey over the other side.

Anyway, instead of rambling on about all the changes I decided I’d instead write a list of all the things I’m grateful for in my life.

  • Amazing friends I’m not sure I’d be ok without
  • The chance to have worked at a great paper and have more experience under my belt than I ever imagined in my first 18 months of work.
  • A really cool, easy horse who is the bees knees
  • A not-so-cuddly cat who’s a bit weird but I like him.
  • Parents who are going to have to put up with my being at home a lot for the next few months
  • New work and volunteer opportunities
  • A body that functions properly 90 per cent of the time
  • A bed all to myself
  • Chocolate
  • The ability to travel the world on my own and all the incredible things I’ve learnt

I’d go on, but that’s the gist of it. In the past few months life has become an incredibly interesting and slightly frightening place to navigate. I spent several days standing on the top of mountains screaming “I’M ALIVE”, I spent days dragging a 20kg bag around with me, I’ve walked more miles than I ever thought was possible in four months, I’ve faced some of my biggest fears, I’ve eaten scorpions, I’ve seen suffering and heartbreak, and I’ve had the chance to change my world view.

Now I’m here and in my 22nd year I’m excited about what’s going to happen now. There are so many paths and picking the ‘right’ one seems scary, but it’s just taking that first step. And I’ll take it. Once I do, there won’t be any stopping me! For now the ‘to do’ list simply has one thing: keep climbing mountains and I mean that both figuratively and literally.

Tomorrow I’m heading up north with dad to celebrate the first year anniversary of granddad passing away. It’s a chance for me to revisit places Alex and I spent a lot of time and accept that’s part of the past, and it’s a chance to grieve but also acknowledge just how amazing granddad was and how mum we miss him, but also how ok we’re going to be.

So on that note, I’m going to leave this post with a bunch of quotes I found on this blog: http://thoughtcatalog.com/katie-wilkes/2014/12/20-quotes-that-all-20-year-olds-must-read/

“It’s better to have nobody than someone who is half there, or who doesn’t want to be there.”
Angelina Jolie

“You can tell so much about a person by the way they leave you.”
Redvers Bailey

“I will not be your sometimes.”
Anonymous, Six Word Stories

“The hours between 12 AM and 6 AM have a funny habit of making you feel like you’re either on top of the world or under it.”
Unknown

“I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.”
Katie Kacvinsky

“The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away.”
Alysia Harris

“Give yourself permission to immediately walk away from anything that gives you bad vibes. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. Just trust what you feel.”
Sonia Chuquette

“Nothing ever happens how you imagine it will.”
John Green

“Suddenly you’re 21 and you’re screaming along in the car to all the songs you listened to when you were sad in middle school and everything is different but everything is good.”
Unknown

“There had been too much emotion, too much damage, too much everything.”
Ernest Hemingway

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new.”
Socrates

“If you don’t make time to work on creating the life you want, you’re eventually going to be forced to spend a LOT of time dealing with a life you DON’T want.”
Kevin Ngo

“We can judge our progress by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers, our willingness to embrace what is true rather than what feels good.”
Carl Sagan

So just remember life is beautiful even when it feels like you’ve been sat on by a bus or a large horse. Always take a moment before you decided to get back up off the ground because the sky is pretty damn beautiful. If you’ve fallen face down though that doesn’t really apply, sometimes mud can be good for your skin. Just remember that. And if you’re lonely, get a cat…they’re remarkably uncomplicated, even the strange ones.

Now here’s a song.

Little ramble about February

There is nothing quite like sitting in the office, covered in Thai sauce, hair plastered down to the top of your head, soaking from the rain and smelling like a farm.

Apparently it was good motivation to put my headphones on and finish five stories. My list of nine just got that much more manageable. Actually I think it might be 10…I’ve lost count.

Hello February.

I visited a pig farm today. It was actually really cool despite my fear of pigs, the fact it rained, and I was wearing gumboots about four sizes too big for my feet. All in all, it was a good day.

Other than spilling Thai sauce down my crotch. What better place for it?

At least I was wearing dark pants. It could have been much worse.

Never the less, it got me thinking about this year and how it feels different, even though it’s just begun.

I think rock bottom is a really good place to start. Last year I finished off in the same way I feel after my horse has just thrown me into a jump, in the rain, after no sleep, and I have to travel four hours home.

I’ve always known this I think, and I spent a lot of my life trying to get there in my own twisted sort of way. “I can do it all” “I’m stopping for no one and nothing”. I’ve spent a lot of my life fighting.

I’m very good at trying very hard to do it all.

But I’ve never been able to. This year is the first time I’ve stopped trying. I can only do so many stories each week, I can only work so many late nights, I can only exercise so many hours, I can only take on so much.

The hardest part about getting to rock bottom, is having to face just what got you there in the first place. And then realising you’re going to have to get back on out by yourself. But it’s a journey I wouldn’t change for anything.

So…I forgot where I was going with this because my brain is all funny because it’s late at night and I’ve already written over 1,000 words today…

If you’re not watching Nashville already…watch it.

And listen to these songs.

Happy New Year

It’s really hot here. Like, I am sitting with my fan less than 30 cm from my face, I have every window and door open in the house, and I have used a scarf as a skirt because all my other clothing sticks to me.

Welcome to summer.
Welcome, to to 2015.

So I took a little break there, I resisted all urges to write since the start of my holiday, I turned off my phone for eight days, and I have resisted the urge to rewrite a badly written book I read, and finished reading because I had nothing else to do while sunbathing.

I have managed to sunburn my skin to the point I don’t know if it will recover (damn you New Zealand sun) and I have cuts up my arms and down my legs that make me look as though I was in a fight with a cat…or two, possible a whole bunch actually. (I helped pick up hay bales, and I didn’t listen when they said wear long pants)

This year was meant to be all about ‘new beginnings’ ‘being happy’ ‘relaxing’ ‘having a life’.

Then I realised I live in the real world so instead of doing the whole ‘New Year resolution’ thing, I thought I would take a slightly different approach.

I do a lot of interviewing, as you all know, but I rarely talk about myself to new people. To the people I know, I probably talk far too much and please forgive me for that, but it’s not probably going to change.

Anyway, when I have someone ask me questions about myself I panic. I’m not sure why, but I think, from my incredibly in-depth 2 minutes of thinking about it since starting this blog, I just don’t really know who I am.

Oh yes I know… I’m one of ‘those’ people. I do know who I am, just not in a detailed kind of way.

Questions like ‘what’s your favourite food’ freak me out. I DON’T EVEN KNOW MAN! I feel like I should say pizza or pasta or ice cream, you know, something normal. BUT I CAN’T EAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS AND I DON’T REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT HALF HOUR EXPLAINING TO SOMEONE ALL MY COMPLICATED HEALTH ISSUES! I could say ‘salad’ or ‘fruit’ which are actually really yummy because I’m a badass food maker, but then you get this look that people give you when you’re thin and like healthy food. And I’m not often in the mood for that look, and I fear I may inflict bodily harm on someone if I see that look on their face when I’ve already dealt with a grumpy lady on the phone because ‘SHE’S NOT GETTING THE PAPER IN HER LETTER BOX EVERY WEEK!’

You see what I mean?

I’m either a ‘you’re going to know EVERYTHING about me, or nothing.’ Normally, for the sake of those talking to me, I stick with the nothing. They have no idea how lucky they are when they walk away.

Anyway, this whole thought process got me thinking about how I would describe myself if I could just open my mouth and speak without scaring, permanently damaging someone emotionally, or walking away knowing they think I’m a total weirdo.

Because you’re all reading this from your computer and nowhere near me…I’m going to lay it all out there.

This, is how I would describe myself:

I’m bad with computers. I really don’t like using my phone for anything other than FB and calls. I’m bad at replying to texts, I hate people asking questions I don’t know the answers to. I want to run away at some point to a surprising country for a few months because I refuse to live a cliche life. I and pig headed, kind hearted, tolerant until I’m not. I hate pigs and monkeys. I really don’t like summer because it’s hot and sticky. I don’t like the middle of winter because my hands don’t work properly. I have a tendency to be positive and negative all at the same time. I’m very pessimistic until I’m ridiculously optimistic. I often come up with strange ideas and have a complete satisfaction with my life the way it is right now. I like to horde things and sell things. When I say I have no money I do have money, I just no intention of spending that money. I own mainly high heals, I have one pair of flat shoes I wear on weekends, all other flat shoes are riding boots or gumboots. I still don’t live with my boyfriend after three years and that’s my choice and our decision, I struggle with children, when I say I’m busy after work…I normally mean I have a date with food and a TV show while tucked up in bed at 7pm. Still have no idea what I want to do with my life though I do have many options, I also ride horses…(this is where they look at me with either a ‘oh that’s sweet’ or a ‘you’re crazy aren’t you’ look, for the brave ones they give me a ‘that’s not really a sport’ look).

Nothing overly different. But for some reason, I struggle ‘letting people in’.

No, my aim for this year is not to ‘improve’ this or ‘work harder to make more friends’.

It’s this: Be unapologetically me. Do as many exciting things as I can while also being satisfied with spending five nights a week doing nothing but sitting in bed with food. Listen to my gut. And most of all, don’t just survive this year, but live it. See an opportunity, and take it.

Last year was one of the most challenging of my life. I won’t go back over it because most of you would have read through it with me. I’m content now, I am really happy with where I am right now. I didn’t realise that until I sat down to write this blog. Satisfaction to me is happiness. It is a deep sense of peace that right now, it’s all good. Last year taught me I can endure far more than I thought I could, I’m stronger, wiser, more compassionate now. But I’m also better at knowing when it’s time to put my foot down and doing just that.

So here is to a great year ahead, as hard as it may be or as challenging as it gets, it’s all another step in the direction my life is heading in (not entirely sure which direction that is, but at least we’re heading somewhere).

Happy New Year everyone!

The new adventure is nearly here

People are really frustrating. Now I said I wouldn’t make this a blog where I just whinge, so I’m going to try my hardest not to. Have you ever had one of those days you just really want to flop, really really hard, down onto your bed and scream (in a non sexual way) as loudly as you can. Just to release some of the building frustration? Yea well, todays one of those days.

Cleaning is a horrid. I hate it. I’d prefer everything just stayed clean all the time. Perhaps that would be possible if I lived alone (ha no not really just heres to dreaming) but not with flatmates. It just doesn’t happen. I have resigned (I hope I got the word right) myself to the fact that I live with other people and with that comes: the need to strangle, yell, punch, shake, scream and lastly the desperate need to escape. That doesn’t just apply to flatting.

I laughed at the doctor the other day in hospital when he said, ‘just take it easy from now on’… ha yes… well clearly you have little to no understanding of either the people I live with or the kind of life I live. My horse doesn’t feed itself or exercise itself. The flat does not clean itself (nor do the people inside it) and the pile of dishes, food stuck to the floor and dust trapped in various different places it just safer not to go does NOT vanish. Oh but some days I just pray it will. Unfortunately the world thinks that rest is not something I should be allowed the luxury of.

Of course its not just the mess thats frustrating- its not even really half of it but in fear of whinging I shall end my frustration note with that.

Life just likes to throw things at you- it never stops and it most certainly does not get better. The boxes are beginning to pile and I am slowly making my way through the mountains of things I call mine. It’s just me and my goldfish flick for now (I’m still in shock he’s lived this long) and the possibility of a brand new adventure, a brand new year with a brand new flat and a brand new attitude.

Oh who am I kidding- nothings going to be any different. Just a few changes in the obstacle course.