Pros, cons, failure

Growing up is a weird thing; it just sort of happens without really thinking about it. I mean sure, most of the time I’m thinking to myself ‘I am definitely not adult enough to deal with this’, but then there are moments where I suddenly realise I am an adult, and I’m actually doing it just fine. How can I tell I’m adulting well? Firstly, I am incredibly particular about wine, babies no longer scare me (I’m still highly skeptical I should ever actually be allowed to bring one up), I am capable of looking after multiple small people at once, I know life does not stop and start with marriage, relationships, or even having children…but those things are cool too, I’ve come to appreciate money…by that I mean the fact that I turn up to a place each day and do stuff and they then give me money so I can live, I am learning how to think about and navigate the idea of a mortgage, a house, where I want to live… and I have learnt just how fragile life is, and I appreciate that fact. Oh and I’ve also come to learn and accept shit happens to all of us.

I don’t feel grown up, but to honest I don’t know if anyone ever feels ‘grown up’, I think it’s more a feeling of comfortable experience that leads you to have a little more faith each year that in most situations you will, regardless of how you may feel at the time, be ok. I was going to put ‘survive’, but there’s really no guarantee of that.

My little cat had his vaccinations today. In order to get him into the cat cage I coxed him with food first into a small space. He then quickly realised something was not right and quickly escaped. I came back five minutes later to see he had given into his desire for food (animal like its owner) and I swiftly blocked the cat door with various washing baskets. He then escaped from the other door as I tried to enter with the cat cage and my attempts at a human barricade failed miserably. I then spent 10 minutes chasing him up and down the house until he finally gave in to his desire for pats and I captured him once and for all. His poor defeated meows were heart breaking as I loaded him into the car for mum to take him with her to the clinic (she’s a vet nurse). Admittedly the only time I’ve ever put him in a cage prior was to move him from one place to another…so right now he’s sitting in a cage at the clinic thinking this is his new home and he’s been transported to some kind of jail for a crime in which he does not know. I will sweep in and rescue him and he shall love me forever…and hopefully forget all about this mornings antics.

I have two weeks until my psychology exam. I have finally accepted there is no possible way for me to learn everything I need to learn. So, I’ve decided I will simply learn five chapters REALLY well so ace that part of the exam. I’d love to say this is a strategy well thought through, however it’s really a last ditch effort not to fail this whole thing.

But I can always try again.

Really what I’m telling myself is it is not the end of the world, I have wasted $700 in worse ways, it will be fine, I have wine, and if I have to try again I’ll just try again. Simple, right?

Adulting at its finest right there.

What I’m coming to learn this year is to just chill out. That might seem strange to those in my life who understand I operate at a million miles an hour and every single weekend in June is booked…however, I am learning to stop putting on the pressure, stop trying to overachieve, to move a million miles an hour. Just take one step, as it comes. For me, there are often many steps that come all at once…so if I apply that statement to my life it looks like madness.

But on the days I feel frustrated I’m not going anywhere fast enough, I just remind myself how much I wanted this; to have a warm home close to family, to have my own cat, to have a job that keeps me busy and earns me money but doesn’t give me nightmares, so I have time to study and enjoy that study. This is what I wanted when I sat in that little home in France and pictured life. It just didn’t happen how I expected it to. But this is really lovely.

It’s raining. I love rain. I love studying when it’s raining. Soon I’ll have a gym with a spa and I can provide myself with motivation for the gym with that. It’s winter, it’s snuggly weather, it’s raining, I’m studying something I love, I have a cat, I have plans for a house, I want to live in the country, I have a good job. It’s all about perspective…

Because when I got on here I was going to complain how stressed and didn’t want to study, how my head hurts because I have a headache because it’s always so damn cold, how it’s raining so I don’t want to go outside or to the gym, and I have no money for my dream home or my dream travel.

It’s really easy to get stuck feeling like it’s falling apart or like something else would be better. Of course it would, because it always looks great when you’re not living it. You can’t have all the pros without the cons and you rarely see the cons when it’s not your life.

I’m wearing my favourite sweater today, it’s raining, and I’m going to go home and snuggle my cat and study with a hot cup of tea. I might even take an Instagram shot of it all so people think my life is amazeballs.

Sorry, this blog had potentially a little too much sarcasm in it.

 

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Let go of the rope, breathe

Winter is finally here. It has wrapped its cool, comforting fingers around my face and I’m settling into a routine. I love winter. There is plenty to love about summer sure; long nights, festivals, parties, friends, less work, people have more energy. But winter is my one true love and always has been. There is just something stunning about waking up to a crisp morning, dressing warmly for the day and slipping out the door. I heap blankets on my bed, snuggle up and watch movies on weekends, hit the mountains snowboarding; winter is a time of family, fun, and peace for me. Oh and cuddles. Can’t beat a nice cuddle on a wintry day.

I was chatting to a friend this morning who’s off running around the world again. He’s off to Barcelona shortly. I’m jealous! I’d love to be off to Barcelona…or anywhere for that matter. But as we were chatting I did realise something, I’m remarkably comfortable with life. It’s been an adjustment, a really big one, over the past year and a half from loosing granddad, leaving journalism, to travelling, to the adjustment of coming back home. But suddenly, as I was chatting to Sam last night, I realised, actually, it’s time to let it all go.

Today is the first day I’ve felt ‘at home’ since I came back. It’s the first day I’ve looked around and realised my new normal is incredible. No it’s not quite as spectacular as travelling to Barcelona, but it’s lovely.

I have an incredible relationship, the sort I wake up each day and can’t believe my luck. I have a cute cat and he’s all mine, I’m loving my study, I’m good at my job and I’m enjoying it, my horse is happy and I can snuggle her every now and then. My stress levels are at an all time low and I’m feeling at peace.

It’s time to let go now of the past, of talking about it, of processing it. I am finally at a stage I’m really happy to not be moving on, but to have moved on.

Everyone adjusts to life at different paces, and I think I was struggling to accept I had indeed created the kind of life I craved, the kind of peace and happiness I’d never really allowed myself, the friendships that I envied in other people. It doesn’t need changing anymore, because what I have is everything I need.

This counselling paper I’m doing at the moment is interesting. As I work further through it and read more I can feel myself start to just relax. I’ve been able to feel on a deeper level, appreciate on a greater level, and love in a way I thought was only reserved for people who were naïve.

Essentially just get over the crap (putting it in a less airy fairy way, cause I think I’ve been dealing with too many marketing and psychology words lately!).

Love doesn’t have to have walls and precautions, work doesn’t have to be stressful, study can be enjoyable.

Life being simple can be a good thing. Let it be simple, let it be peaceful, let it be lovely.

I feel an overwhelming sense of freedom…and I didn’t realise a relationship could feel like that. I want to travel more, and I can travel, I want to explore a range of careers and move around, and I can do that, I want to write a book, I can do that.

No I’m not travelling the world or seeing incredible things or saving lives right now. But I’ll get there again at some point. There is a time and place for everything, and right now my time and place is here, with the people I have and with the things I’m doing.

I rush too much.

I’m learning to deal with that.

My room is a beautiful little haven now, Sam’s flatmates are a good laugh and I like being able to hijack them as my friends for the snowboarding season since mine have all run off to new places, I’m so lucky to be able to spend more time with my mum and dad now I’m living at home and see my little brother grow up a bit more, I’m lucky I’m just around the corner from my grandparents, and I love having Sam so close he can just come around for dinner.

I think I’ve been trying to hide from the happy emotions. I never wanted to move back to Tauranga, but what I wanted and what I needed were two very different things. I’ve been stubborn about admitting that. I feel at home here now. I love being here.

It’s taken me by surprise that I can in fact have the things in a relationship and in life that I’ve been craving and it’s actually not hard.

In a lot of ways, and we all already know this, it’s perspective over situation. My situation hasn’t changed since last week, or even yesterday, but my sudden realisation that I don’t need to be on the defensive toward my life and never allow myself to enjoy it for what it is, has changed my attitude.

Life now is an incredible amount better than what I’d planned. So I’ll admit it once again, because I tend to forget this lesson I’ve learnt: stop planning, start living, start enjoying, and go where it takes you.

And breathe. I don’t do that nearly enough.

 

Little strange single lessons

Adjusting to single life is interesting after a long relationship. It’s even more interesting adjusting in a world where things like snapchat and going to town weren’t part of life when I went into it. I’ve emerged on the other side into a whole new world of strange things.

For starters, my snapchat perviously had about six friends all who received pictures of my horse or me pulling faces. I’d sometimes send photos when I felt like I looked pretty. But there was little snapchating. Actually, I could probably have counted on one hand the amount of times I’d snap someone in a week.

So, I’m having to learn all these things like who you send what kind of snap to, when you send a snap, how many you send in a day, why not to use snapchat when drinking, that no one cares about my stationary order at work, and just what kind of angle and lighting works for that winning selfie. Gosh there’s a lot to learn. The worst part about it is I’m pretty sure I miss the mark constantly. Heck, I only just learnt it was possible to send a photo saved to your phone rather than only send photos you’ve just taken. I also learnt you can take photos and save them to your phone before sending them!

Going out is also a whole new ball game. Before there was no such thing as free drinks and there was that awkward conversation starter of ‘is that your boyfriend?’ And I never stopped to think about giving my number to anyone. Actually I had a great fake number I used on occasion.

I’m now realising there’s more to going out than I’d ever have imagined. Free drinks are great but there is probably a limit to how many one should consume in a night. People do ask for your number and it’s super strange when you have no idea what or who they are when they do use that number, and people can easily find my name on Facebook (who knew people could even spell Sacha correctly?) Going out is really fun, being hit on is no longer awkward, but suddenly I have absolutely no idea how to have a conversation with some stranger I met once, I have no idea if I should even talk to said stranger. And I no longer know if I should put people in their place when they try their luck a little too much. I’ve concluded yes but I don’t understand anything about this.

It’s frightening.

Suddenly relationships seem far more complicated than I ever realised. I have no idea what to say to people or how to have conversation with someone I might be interested in. I have no idea what’s talking too much or not enough. I don’t even know what I want from someone let alone asking all these questions.

Being 22 and single is a very weird place to be.

It’s not a bad place to be.

I just realise how strange life really is at times and how much relationships and how we interact with people has changed in the past few years. It’s only been four years and this feels like an entirely new world. I mean, I didn’t even really use Facebook that much to talk to people and now I have to figure out how often people actually chat and what sort of things they chat about.

I certainly know what I don’t want. But it’s not always easy defining what I do want.

Suddenly I’m no longer a journalist, I’m no longer dating someone, and I no longer compete my horse. Everything I used to define myself isn’t there anymore. And I have to just be me. I know me, I like me, it’s just a very new thing for me to let other people know and like me. There is absolutely nothing to hide behind and I have no option other than to be honest and open and myself.

That is a strange thing to face.

So, onwards and upwards as always. Life is great; I’m not getting enough sleep as always, I’ve had too many good weekends as always, I need to be kinder to my body as always, but I’m no longer as sick as I was and I’m loving life. Things are good. Everything is a learning curve, but it is good. I’m me, I like me, and that’s what counts.

 

 

24. ways to love life (and be strange)

Today is the kind of day I spend watching movie trailers rather than a whole movie. It’s not because I don’t like watching whole movies, there’s just some days I sit still for too long and my brain is like, ‘Well the least you can do is not do the same thing for long periods of time while sitting still’. And I say, ‘alright, let’s just watch movie trailers and make up the endings’. I should not be left alone.

This sickness has taken over my body. I was getting annoyed about it until I realised that I’ve only been home a little over eight weeks and that’s probably not enough time for my immune system to have got on board with the winter bugs all you people are now immune too. Ah the downfalls of skipping winter.

My little brother and I had a chat today as he was procrastinating and decided to keep me company. He announced, while I was whinging about being older but not caring, “Well, you are closer to 40 than you are to being born.” And I looked at him with a sudden realisation that, that, is indeed very true. It shouldn’t be as frightening as it is. But some days I wake up and think to myself, “I’m sure I’m still 20 and the last two years have been a strange and really realistic nightmare.” But sadly I am wrong. And they are real.

It began to sink in when I thought about my five year life goals. I don’t have set plans now, just goals, and I was like, yeah, five years is a good aim for a house and possibly a little bit of land and another cat. Maybe I’ll travel three of four times as well. THEN, it hit me. I’ll be 27 in five years. 27. THAT’S NOT FAR AWAY.

I also realised I have a little brother who is going to be 17 in a few months. And a sister who’s talking about buying a house with her boyfriend. Me? I’m dreaming about my next trip overseas and what kind of coffee I’m ordering for work.

My biggest problem right now is I’ve taken to sleeping in the middle of my bed… and now there’s an indent and it’s uneven and that bothers me considerably.

Being single is a strange world to navigate after so much time spent in a relationship. For starters, there’s all these strange rules about talking to people… and I’m all like ‘But, but, I just want to talk ’cause they’re cool?!’ And people are like ‘Whoa, but you can’t just TALK, you have to FLIRT, and you have to be hard to get and stuff!’ And I’m like ‘SHUT UP INTERNET, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!’

So I’m instead buying a world map and picking places to travel and loving my cat who comes to see me once a day for food… and talking to people I think are cool when I want. And I might seem strange. And that’s because I really am strange.

My little brother weighed in on this topic and after making me feel old, made me feel a bit better by saying, “Just be you.” And I thought that was sweet. He’s right though. It may mean I end up alone with 10 horses and 50 cats after travelling the world three times over. But what’s so wrong with that? I’ll figure it out. But I decided to write a few ‘rules’ of my own to tell the internet just what I think of it’s ‘being single’ advice.

  1. Say strange things because it’s fun
  2. If someone can talk about food for more than two sentences, they’re going to be a good person to talk to.
  3. Speak to people when you want to speak to them, not just when you’re lonely.
  4. People will stop talking to you sometimes, and you’re going to be really quite ok with that.
  5. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to hide a personality trait to be accepted.
  6. Speak using GIF’s on Facebook chat. It’s great fun.
  7. Never stop wondering what more life could offer and going after it.
  8. Keep it simple. It is what it is. STOP OVER THINKING LIFE.
  9. Dance randomly
  10. Sing loudly (in public so people give you funny looks)
  11. Fall in love with parts of your life you’d forgotten were so good
  12. Love the people you have and appreciate them for the crazy humans they are.
  13. Don’t cry when you kill the pot plant…buy another one and try again.
  14. Be a little bit more of yourself each day
  15. Pet an animal daily
  16. Set goals you’d have never thought about before
  17. Exercise regularly…push yourself beyond what you’ve previously been capable of.
  18. Go out and look damn good
  19. Be excited for someone about something that’s important to them.
  20. Run along the beach in the middle of the night with alcohol and friends (alone would just be weird).
  21. Buy yourself a present because you damn well can.
  22. Ask people random questions when you meet them and have fun watching their surprised reactions.
  23. Eat chocolate, drink wine.
  24. Never underestimate the power of laughter!

And there you have it.

Enjoy fellow blog readers!

 

#itsbetterthanalright

How my body has felt over the past month: “Ok, you need to rest, recover from jetlag. I said rest. No, alcohol is not rest. Stop it. I mean it. You need more than 6 hours sleep. Seriously. Stop. Stop what you are doing and drink some damn water girl. Ok, that really is enough alcohol now. I said stop. OK I REALLY MEAN I NOW STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND REST AND DAMN WELL GET SOME SLEEP WOMAN!”

I’m sick. The kind of miserable sick that makes me want to curl up with my favourite teddy, a hot lemon drink, and lots and lots of cold and flu tablets until my body decides to come out from hibernation. It’s my first week of work and I woke up this morning with no voice. Thankfully by 8am I had regained my voice and I can now speak in one tone, only one, without it sounding like I’m sick. Pretty much that means anything beyond a basic conversation is out. I managed to make it to work, get to the pharmacy, buy drugs that cost me two hours pay so I could stay at work and pretend I’m not sick.

I have my official title now! I’m a client liaison and marketing co-ordinator person. Heavens only knows what that means… but pretty much I’ve established I do research on where we can be improving our reach, I talk to clients and make sure they have what they need and pass them onto the relevant people, and I help the marketing team wherever necessary. In a nutshell that’s what it is anyway. That and making sure the coffee pot is always full, the bench is wiped down (I still to this day, two weeks into the job, have no idea how the guys in the office manage to get coffee from one end of the bench to the other… they don’t even make the coffee… ), make sure the office is organised, do the stationary order, which is really quite fun, and answer phones.

I also started in the show home last night as a show home hostess… basically I get to sit in a really nice new house and talk to people who come through about it about the house and the business. I get to know things like what colour it is, how high the ceilings are, what kind of carpet it has, and all the stuff about the business I’ve grown up learning. It’s amazing what you retain from eves dropping as a child…

Then there is also the communications work which has seen me get over my fear of pitching new business to potential clients.

If you’d asked me a year ago what I’d be doing this wouldn’t have been what I would have pictured, but it’s really great. I’m actually remarkably happy with life at the moment. One of the three guys I work with in the office asked me… for the first time I might add… what was going on in my world. I said, “Nothing really, it’s good”. He looked at me surprised and said, “Well that’s good there’s no complaints”. Nope. Nothing to complain about here. And I thought about it for a moment, that despite how sick I am (and yes I know I’m complaining on here… I’M ALLOWED), and how rather broken I’ve been feeling lately about the break up, or how annoyed I am I can’t ride every day yet, or how windy Tauranga is, or how ridiculous the traffic is, life is great. It sure as hell has been a lot worse and could still be a lot worse. I think, having hit a pretty low low last year, I have realised how simple it can be to put foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.

Difflam spray and Coldrex definitely helps with that. I think I might actually become addicted to Difflam, is that possible? It tastes so delicious.

I’m also coming to this point where the idea of being in a new relationship is actually freaky. It’s not like a ‘oh I just want to be single for a while’, because I do want to do that, but it’s this kind of weird feeling of how do I be with anyone else when I’ve been with one person for so many years? And it’s not even that many years. Four years is just a blip in terms of an entire life span. But it feels like forever because I’m only 22… so it’s a fifth of my life (I think, I’m bad at maths). I can be a really weird person at times…I’m like this energetic, optimistic, freakishly excitable soul in a pessimistic, worn out, sarcastic body. And then there are all the health problems that I know I’m on top of but it might not stay that way and I could legitimately turn a bit crazy. And that freaks me out. So imagine how I feel about talking to someone else about that? IT’S JUST ALL SO COMPLICATED.

So I’m rolling with #single. But then on the other hand I’m all like #lovingflirting and I swing dramatically between the two. Then I also occasionally go with #imgoingtobealoneforever and #sobbinginmylonliness but also #lookatallthispaceinmybedforME and #noonetoanswerto.

You can see how this might be a bit confusing at times?

It doesn’t help that when I get sick I get delusional. So right now I know I’m making very strange statements and I should be kept away from my blog but there is no one to stop me blogging and so I’m going to post it anyway! Sigh.

So life is this… a great mix of new people, new adventures, getting back into jumping my horse, making goals, having dreams, enjoying working, loving the beach, and also struggling daily with feeling lost, alone, angry, and hurt. But I have great friends and I know it’s on the up. Things are just how they are, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’m not sad about life being different, it’s just different. And that sometimes takes a bit of adjusting.

Moving cities has also been a challenge and I regularly miss the Waikato and wonder if I made the right choice moving back. But I did. I know I did. Even if NO ONE IN THIS CITY CAN DRIVE PROPERLY…I get to be close to family and friends and once things slow down a bit and I have routine in the new year… I can start planning my next adventures. Because I have a whole life ahead of me to live them in. So time to start working and saving and dreaming.

#itsbetterthanalright

One, two, three, run.

I woke up rather angry today. Like all days I wake up with the rage of a fire breathing dragon locked in a cave I went for a run, did some push ups and even some sit up for good measure, then some weird leg raise thingy the trainer at the gym taught me that makes my hamstrings burn with a similar pain to that of a bed of biting ants in Asia.

Life has stopped spiralling out of control. It’s like a tornado that rips through and then when it stops, you’re sort of left standing wondering where on earth you start the clean up. That’s me right now. Standing, wondering a) where I start and b) excited I get to put it back how I want it. So last week I picked a starting point. I’ve started part time work and even gave myself a cool sounding title. My car is still a mess, I still have another a few boxes to unpack and a car to vacuum, but it’s a start. I started. Today is the first day I’ve actually had alone. So far I’ve spent the last few weeks with close friends or family and while I have my little brother here still…I may have possibly over reacted to the dishwasher not being unstacked again and food all over the bench…again. Man I sound like a mother. Sigh. In spite of that I’m actually loving being able to get to know Josh (little brother). I left home when he was only 11, so now at 16 and a completely different person to me, it’s a lot of fun hanging out. Though he managed to kick my butt at the driving rage the other day…I however just don’t seem to have the same skill at killing golf balls.

Josh was talking to myself and Tom yesterday about growing up and the fact that Tom was top in his class at school. Then we all looked at each other and Josh just had this terrifying looking on face of ‘I really hope I don’t end up like you both in six years time’. Then we all laughed. Unemployed, broke, and single definitely doesn’t look so appealing from a 16 year olds point of view I guess. But hey, as I described it to him in some attempt to make life seem less depressing the older you get, life isn’t all about having everything you want or going the way you expect. It’s just about having fun and making the most of the cards you’re dealt and despite what I may think sometimes, I’ve been dealt some pretty great ones.

I, however, don’t like to take my own advice when it comes to the fact I still can’t horse ride and I’m incredibly bitter about that fact. Then I remind myself I was snowboarding in Austria and it doesn’t seem like such a bad decision after all. Because of it though, I have taken up running and can now make it to 1.8km without dying! Before all you runners start laughing, for those of us who consider running to be a form of optional torture, that’s a big deal. Last week I struggled with 1km alone and the plan is in 12 months time I will run 5 of those suckers like they were yesterdays news.

Thankfully I have Nikole to drag me up the Papamoa hills each week and plan wonderful mountain hikes so that goal is actually attainable. I’ve also made strange agreements like “I’ll run up this 1.7km hill that currently still kills me at a walk by the end of next year”. Mad. I am a mad woman. But my weight is great, I feel fantastic, I’m getting a terribly uneven tan, my tailbone only hurts 50 per cent of the day, and my horse is so fat I’m going to start leading her up hills with me when I run…who needs a dog! And I have a fantastic part time job that makes me feel like a real human again. Now it’s time to dust off that CV apply for a few more positions, keep my fitness training up, and see where life takes me!

So I still have my bad days, break ups aren’t nice and the feeling of betrayal, pain, anger, sadness, and the ‘what could I have done better’ doesn’t go away over night. It’s not something I blame on one person and I think part of me still can’t quite comprehend things are different after four years. But they are and life goes on. This beautiful, incredible life goes on and I want to be part of it.

I am part of it.

Starting blocks

Life can be daunting at times. Actually scrap that, it’s pretty bloody scary. For some reason climbing mountains in a country I don’t speak the language of or backpacking alone around Vietnam seemed easier than just taking life head on here in a country I know people, in a life that really is quite straightforward. But it’s not. Life is never straightforward. There are all these twists and turns which leave me cleaning cat pee off my bed in the middle of the night and attempting to keep a pot plant alive. Exercise seems like a lot of fun till you wake up the next morning with a butt so sore walking to the kitchen is hard enough. There’s also that fear when I pick up the phone to call someone important, something really stupid might just come out instead of the comprehensive words in your head. I have healthy chocolate though, so life is under control.

Living back in Tauranga is incredibly strange, it’s like stepping back into the same world I left but everything is different. That makes no sense. My brain is tired. It worked for an hour today on communications stuff for the first time since I left the country and it is letting me know it needs a warm up before I leap back into it. Well, that and I can’t say I’ve been all that fair on letting it adjust to life since getting back…but I’ve aced a bridal shower, attended a hens night, kept my new pot plant alive for an entire five days, conquered my first hour of contract work with no mishaps, and my cat comes back once a day for a pat, oh and I’ve started running!

Life is good.

I’ve also started going back to church, something I’ve long since stopped doing and it feels like a little slice of home in the chaos I feel my life can become at times. I’m the sort of person that when life is spinning madly around me I need something to ground me, I find just one thing where I can just be there and it all stops spinning for a moment and I take a breath, and step back into it.

I’m already starting to get a list together for my new years resolutions. So far it looks like I’m going to be doing a lot of running, a decent amount of walking up mountains, and I best get my thinking hat on to learn some French.

I still have a way to go in terms of finding where I fit, but I feel like I can start to breath again. I’m yet to refer to Alex as my ex but I’ll get there and I so far have had more good days than bad and that I can say is down to amazing people and pets and the pot plant. And my bed, that thing is possibly the most incredible part of the day.

I want life to be full, full of love, laughter, hope, and energy. I don’t want to go through it wishing I’d changed this or that. Shit happens. But I have all these incredible things I can do and to access it just takes a bit of focus and hard work. I’ll get there. It’s just like climbing a mountain really, one step after another with a few pauses when things get really hard, and eventually you’re going to get to the top. I think though, the thing people forget about mountains is the view isn’t always amazing, sometimes there’s cloud, sometimes you’re in a forest, sometimes there’s just the same thing you saw last time. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less incredible what you’ve achieved or the fact it’s set you up to climb bigger and better mountains, and it doesn’t mean there aren’t incredible things down below. Sometimes, you just can’t see the whole picture from where you’re standing.

Life is scary, but regardless of how fast my heartbeats I’m ok with it all, and I back myself to make it through. I’ve got mountains (literally) to climb and things to accomplish. And when things start to get me down my response is: “Nopity, nope nope, nope. NOPE!”

So on that note, which I hope made some sense and I don’t sound like a crazy person rambling about my wayward life at 22, I’m off to get a bridesmaid dress fitted and catch up with another friend.

Cheerio

Honesty

I really need to stop having these 11.30pm sudden brainwaves for blogs, they are highly disruptive to my sleep patterns! Never the less, since I went to all the effort of reaching over and turing my computer back on I better follow through with my potentially tragic blog post.

I began this blog three years ago because I wanted to be honest. You know that kind of refreshing yet cringe worthy honest you don’t find many places now? Yep, I wanted to be that. And I feel like I did that almost too well at some points. But lately I’ve been really dropping the ball. There are several things I usually leave off the table when it comes to blogging: my relationship, my family, my job.

Mainly because: I still want to be in a relationship, I actually enjoy talking to my family, and it is also necessary to continue being employed. Ok so the last one is a little bit of an over exaggeration. But I thought it was about time I started sharing some of the tough parts I tend to just avoid on here…because they’re life. It’s all part of life. And what point is there in having an honest blog if I’m never honest?

Long distance relationships suck…really suck. We only live an hour apart so it’s actually not that long distance. But after nearly four years there are some things I’ve come to love and come to hate about it.

It’s easy to end up with no social life because you spend most weekends at their place, or yours if they actually make it that far (stab stab, I promised myself this would not be a bitch session), you find yourself acting like a control freak because you don’t want to see their friends during the little time you have with them, sometimes it’s kind of nice having separate lives and not having to speak to anyone in the evening, ‘moving in’ is not as simple as just shifting to their apartment – it’s actually a rather large decision and requires up rooting your entire life, going out for a lunch date feels weird, you get to make the most of time spent together, when things go bad they’re not just around the corner, but you have two of everything so your over night bag doesn’t need repacking every weekend.

So after a chat with my homeopath tonight it was established I have a personality which tends to attract the whole ‘responsibility thing’…I like to be organised, I’m fairly reliable if you don’t want to get somewhere on time, so generally speaking I’m quite good in a ‘motherly’ roll. The problem with that is the other side of my personality imagines disappearing with no waring when I feel large amounts of pressure to act consistently like a grown up.

After a fight with my boyfriend over what’s important in our lives, bloody rugby, and feeling like I constantly mother my sister and also feeling like I’m stuck on this treadmill going faster than I can run at work…I kind of feel like I want to crawl under the covers and never come out.

Because part of me also knows it’s my fault!

I am that ‘person’ for some people, and I try to be that person so that people need me, and it’s not just limited to people, I never let anyone else ride my horse for six years for crying out loud! I like to be needed. But I often forget I need to let myself just be me. And just enjoy being me.

This year was about being unapologetically me…and I think I lose sight of that often trying to be everyone else’s person. I get lost trying to keep up. But I can’t. I never could. Sometimes life just has really good little reminders for me.

I need to let go, I need to let people stand on their own two feet, I need to allow myself to be angry when I’m not ok with things, I need to find who and what I want to be as a journalist.

I need me more than anyone else right now…and I think I’m slowly getting there.

So here is to honesty, and more of it to come!

Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for crash landing.

Tomorrow will be pants day

These past few weeks have taken their toll. I’d like to say my mental state is still intact, and it might be, sorta, but the fact I struggled with even the ‘get out of bed’ part of the day… it’s definitely questionable. 

Having seen an old friend, which has been fantastic but certainly induced plenty of emotional baggage being dragged back up from it’s long lost hole it slipped into in the baggage claim area, having my horse be a normal animal and do exactly what it shouldn’t be doing, and a rather stressful two weeks with the boss being away… I have forgiven myself for not being able to put on pants today. 

Wow, that was a long sentence. I’d break it up but my editing days are done. Two weeks of preparing for the boss to go away, and two of her being away, no more. Not a single word more. I actually lost the ability to even type the last two days of the week. 

So after an entire day of chatting to my mother on the phone, lying in bed, talking and hanging out with Alex, not putting on makeup – I did make it to the couch – I am feeling much more capable of facing the world. 

It’s another week. There’s more news, there is more things to do, still a horse to ride. Life goes on. Though I’d love to go into hiding, I wont. 

That’s just life… 

And tomorrow, I’ll put on pants. 

 

 

These people

Life’s changing. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t have many friends. I have plenty of people I know, but not close friends. Today I figured out why; I don’t settle. We all need people, but no one want’s to need anyone else, or at least I don’t, or didn’t. We need people to build us up, to tell us when we need to calm down, when to focus, when to have fun, to understand the weird things we do, to love us regardless, to go on adventures with. We need people to add to us, to build us. 

Each person you meet or encounter adds to you. You take a part of them, no matter how long or deep the friendship, even without knowing it, you model yourself from them. That’s why I’m picky with my friends. Because I want to be the best person I can possibly be. Not perfect, I can’t be that. But I want to be happy, and I am happy when I love who I am. If I only ever had people around me who I didn’t admire, look up to, feel encouraged by, and excited because of, I would become self-loathing, inward looking, discouraged, and lost without anything to look forward to. 

Sounds a little dramatic. 

But the more you look at it, the more obvious it becomes. If you’re always with people you admire and like, you’re going to naturally strive to be better. To grow. Not have an unhealthy obsession or need to be like someone else, I mean a natural adaption to better yourself. 

I am so lucky to have found some pretty incredible friends lately, and in general in my life. But today, after a great night of dancing, while the sun crisped my ever whiting legs, on a boat, I realised just how much we need people. And just how lucky I am to have some that I genuinely admire. For the little things, like their laughter, easy going perspective, OCD habits, and so on. 

I looked at my boyfriend last night after someone had said something very minor, and I said to him, “These are my people!” Because this spot, is one I fit into. And fitting, is something you shouldn’t have to force, it’s something that happens, and it should be something that takes you by complete surprise. 

We need people around us who make us feel like superheroes, but accept us for being human.