#bringiton

Right! Time to get back to the positive happy go lucky vibes usually floating around this blog. Today started in the same way a deflated balloon eventually pops weeks after the party. It just kind of gets tired and gives up.

Work has been…interesting to say the least lately. I spend 95 per cent of my time back tracking because ideas have been ditched, plans changed… and I’m kind of just treading water. I’m achieving plenty if you go by my spreadsheets! But I fear if I see another ‘business development’ idea that involves me calling through lists and lists of people, I may just curl up under my desk with Spotify and hide.

Just kidding… I love business development! I would just love it more if I could actually make some progress!

My office has this incredible view of the harbour, which is wonderful for increases of prolonged sanity in the office. I’ve also discovered Spotify after Apple Music drove me insane enough I quit my subscription. So I now have a bunch of bubbly, inspirational songs on repeat and instead of getting mad about road blocks, I just do a little boggy in my chair.

Though, you’d be surprised about how many strange song are out there at the moment!

So I’m planning a trip at the end of the year…this time PHILIPPINES!  Why?

Google it.

It looks like a place I could spend forever.

Maybe I will? Maybe, that is the solution to my life; just avoid it!

People do do that.

I wonder what it would take to bring a horse to the Philippines? And a cat…can’t forget about Charlie.

Hmmm…if anyone wins lotto, just keep me in mind please.

I have started to research and am attempting to get my head around trading. Stocks, currency, it all looks rather intriguing. I mean, I’m not really making much headway where I’m heading at the moment, so why not?

Not sure if anyone has realised…but we have this amazing thing called the internet which while useful for looking at pictures of cats and stupid Buzzfeed articles…you can also use it to become smarter and find new ways of getting ahead! Who knew?

Because I have more plans than I do money, I’m doing a few other jobs like teaching and showhome hostessing. I love hostessing. You essentially hang out in a lovely home and chat to people all day about what their goals and dreams are for their future properties. I’m also super pumped to start teaching horse riding again. It is definitely one of the things I regret not doing more of.

I’ve also decided to expand on my volunteer stuff. Currently I hang out with a bunch of kids at church every second Sunday, which is super fun.

I did not think I would enjoy it…but man it’s so much fun! I don’t know if I have more fun than the kids. I even had them teach me how to make a paper plane.

I’ve discovered I do not spend enough time doing child like things.

And that’s a problem.

Anyway, my new volunteer stuff is developing at the moment but it has to do with my passion: rehabilitation and crime reduction. I’m also trying to figure out how to write my book! I have a book! Well, I will have a book.

So that’s the good stuff.

I also have good coffee, good wine, and plenty of good music! One can’t really complain about that can they?

I’m on the hunt for a full filling job where I can grow. I’m making headway with volunteer work. And I’m finally getting back into doing the things I love to do outside of work…while making money.

I might be moving slowly, but I think I might be moving!

I’ve gone from treading water to a slow breast stroke style of swimming!

#bringiton

 

Bring on the wine time

My brain is frazzled. I can’t even write a blog properly. I keep Ctrl A, deleting everything. I mean some of it’s good, it’s just, well, sentences, words…things. Agh! I’ve spent the last few weeks juggling many hats. I’m a person of hats…you know all those different roles you do in life? I refer to them as hats, I think most people do?

So between the psychology, the job, life…more life…I wear a gazillion different hats. My most common is admin hat, PR hat, psychology hat,  workout hat, healthy eating hat, girl friend hat, grandchild hat, daughter hat (actually just general ‘family member’ hat), horse rider hat… I feel like I’m juggling everything and I just sort of throw it all up in the air at times because I just need to breathe, and wait for it to all come back down before I run around catching it all before it turns into a mess.

I don’t dislike any of my hats. There’s just a few of them…and I’m struggling a little to wear them all.

Last night I grabbed my interior design hat and hung up my girl friend hat for the evening and decided to tackle my room. It had become something of a nightmare. I had all sorts just stacked up in piles because when I moved all my things from Alex’s I shoved it all in and promptly decided to forget about it until a later date.

Five and a bit months later and I finally took down the disco ball and cleaned out the china teddy bear ornaments (disclaimer: these were there when I moved in!), moved the pile of towels and sheets into the blanket box and linen cupboard, actually filed the mountain of paper work on my desk, bought a hanging lamp to replace the disco ball and removed the old bedside lamp to make space for nothing, and moved my bed over to the wall.

My room is now spacious, clean, uncluttered, and makes me feel happy.

I needed a happy place – a place in which does not change and is in my control.

This used to be where I grazed my horse, then it was Alex’s, it’s sort of switched between the two depending on what’s happening in life at the time. Then when Casey and I moved in together it was my perfect little home.

Either way, I’ve had a place that I can relax, where I can decorate, tidy, and just breathe in…a place that feels like home and like it’s mine.

I sort of ditched my happy place for a while when I moved…I was too busy having fun. But now Ivy is being ridden by someone else, the gym is changing in terms of who’s there, Sam’s place is well, Sam’s place (and two other boys live there so you can imagine the bathroom… ), the house is my parents not mine. I have no happy place. So I decided it was time I created one.

And I feel at peace now, like everything is in order, even if its not in order. Even if it, at times, feels like it’s spiraling madly out of control.

My general day consists of doing: some sort of filing, some sort of binding of documents, some sort of searching for something in our internal system that’s mysteriously booked a permanent vacation and hightailed out of there, editing people’s bios for the company, writing press releases, making peoples long winded sentences shorter and easy to read, occasionally dealing with a grumpy interviewee, reading property news, answering phones, getting people to do things they don’t want to do for other people, writing articles. A few days a week I’m opening the show home, answering questions, cleaning, most days I’m studying psychology and counselling theories, conducting experiments, writing reports, trawling through the website for the course to figure out what I’m meant to be doing. I tend to finish with making sure my horse is alive, feeding it, running on the treadmill or cross trainer, lifting weights, having a shower, seeing Sam, remembering to see my family members, texting friends to make sure they’re still doing ok in life, catching up with friends at least once every few weeks…

I’m exhausted.

I am learning constantly, whether it’s working through emotional stuff I’m still dealing with in terms of relationships; learning how to be with someone new. Whether it’s figuring out the systems at work, how marketing is different to journalism, how to work in a big company, how to study again, what is psychology…and how to live with family close again. Oh yeah, and how to actually achieve my fitness goals!

It comes as no surprise really that I’ve had a few melt-downs lately. My most recent and perhaps most comical was in Kmart. I stood there, having had a rough day, rather annoyed at Sam because he wouldn’t buy a damn topper for his mattress or a bedside lamp! Right in that moment, absolutely nothing else on earth mattered except getting those two things. Why? Well the mattress topper is purely because the bed is uncomfortable, the lamp, yeah, I have no idea. I just really needed to have one.

I described myself to my mother last night as “Normal 95 per cent of the time, but that 5 per cent I really go all out on the crazy”. A good crazy I like to think… a crazy which results in OCD like behaviors which sees bedside lamps bought, mattress toppers put on beds, and my entire room cleaned and tidied.

So tonight my plans are to see my nan (she’s having chemo and radiation at the moment), study, gym, then study some more in my incredibly beautiful room, see Sam, and then sleep.

Tomorrow? I’ll do it all again.

And as for this weekend? It currently has nothing at all planned in it and I think I might just buy myself a magazine, some chocolate, and sit in the sun with a good glass of red wine. Because right now, all I can think about is doing nothing with wine.

 

 

 

And the continuous turn of events continues

When 2015 began I certainly didn’t see myself finishing it broke, jobless, and single. I also found my first grey hair today and I really wish that was the worst thing that had happened in the day. But it wasn’t. As I found myself sitting in my room of my parents home, the same room I lived in from ages 9 till 17, I couldn’t help but laugh at my life. I left five years ago after a break up, I left to study journalism in Hamilton and I had roughly $2,000 to my name. I was single, I had no job, I had very little money…but I did not have a grey hair. Now, five years later, I’ve returned with the same amount of money, no job, and single. It’s like nothing has changed yet I know everything has changed.

Here’s the thing about breaking up after four years: the world is a different place to navigate than the one I went into the relationship in. For starters, I’m now at an age where it’s like, do I make the change in relationship status public or private? When do I change it because I’m not quite ready to make it ‘official’ no matter how official it is. How do you go about dating again, not that that’s really on my to do list for some time. But how do you suddenly navigate a world where you’re suddenly four years older and have grey hairs appearing? A world where there are now things like Tinder? How do you actually even start again after four years turned into “I don’t feel the same way anymore” when you’d only just been talking about engagement and spending forever together less than six months before. Exactly how is it you get up and get on with life? The first thing people ask is how am I. I’m good. I’ve just come back from an amazing round the world trip and I have my horse back, I’ve found the perfect grazing for her just down the road, I have a cat, I have opportunities. I have an entire world at my feet…so I’m good.

But at the same time I feel like a truck has run over me because when I left, what I pictured coming back to was a very different landscape. My brain is still struggling to get itself around the fact I was in France a week ago and now I’m in New Zealand now it has to adapt to a whole new world.

And how do you go from picturing green paddocks and orchards and planting a veggie garden with someone to having no idea what the next step is?

Since I’m being honest, it’s also very hard to not decide to be a crazy cat lady forever when four out of five relationships have ended with “I just don’t feel the same way anymore”. Cool as guys. Super cool.

The best part about breaking up after one of the best breakup songs to date has just dropped: you ain’t alone in those tears. Cheers Adele.

So, let me reintroduce myself because this atomic bomb that’s gone off in slow motion over the past year has left me with a ringing in my ears and an inability to breath properly. I’m Sacha. I’m going to be 22 in a week, not even that. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. And I have two weddings to be the bridesmaid for. And I’ve got a broken tail bone. And I know at some stage my heart will heal from the pain of losing people, of the family dramas, of this break up. It will get better because I have a cat and I have a horse. I have a degree. And I’m still standing. Because I’m yet to find something in my 22 years that’s left me unable to get up again. That atomic bomb has sent me flying and I’ve probably cried more tears in the past 12 months than I’ve cried in my entire life. But it means I can still feel and the ringing in my ears is slowly easing and the dust is settling. And I’m going to be just fine.

Let’s do that again. I’m Sacha, I’ll be 22 shortly, I’ve travelled the world, I have a degree in communications (ironic at times), I have a diploma in journalism. I have a passion for helping people and I’m thinking about retraining and figuring out how to put all my skills to good use. I’m part of this cool organisation called YouthNet designed to help bridge gaps to see our youth suicide rate improve, actually I’d like us not to have one. I love to do yoga. I love God. I have an awesome horse called Ivy and a cat called Charlie, he’s a bit like me: he’s been through a bit of bullshit so he’s not too sure on the being too close to people thing, but he loves pats and he seems to love me. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in my life right now. I have a clean slate, I have a whole world ahead of me and I can do what I want with it. And I damn well will do just that. I can do that.

So to all the newly singles out there, cheers to you. And all those in great relationships: appreciate them.

Common, let’s do this.

Swing of crazy

It’s been a tough few weeks. At least we are in March now, and only nine more months before I jet out of here on a much needed escape to another world.

Apart from being sick, this year has hit with some serious force. You know, in the movies, when someone gets punched and they just drop to the ground and stay there for a while…yep, well that’s me at the moment.

Everyone seems to be getting engaged, having babies, buying houses…and I’m just struggling with the fact I have to get out of bed in the morning. Life 1, Sacha 0.

However, despite the fact it’s nearly 10.30pm and I’ve wanted to be asleep since 9.30pm and am still not, I will get out of bed in the morning and do yoga. I will! Perhaps. Bed is just so damn nice in the colder mornings and I’m all snuggly. Why?!

But I’m grateful I do get to get up, get out of bed, and enjoy (sorta) life each day.

I’ve taken to baking, a lot. I think I’ve gained at least a kg in a few days. Our garden is over run with tomato’s, our apple tree is dropping apples EVERYWHERE and I have discovered this whole new world of healthy gluten and sugar free baking. So I plan to write a cook book, one day, eventually, when I actually get good enough to make the same thing twice. And when I stop burning bred. Our fire alarm is really quite good at letting you know when the oven is smoking.

But it’s all a bit of fun and takes my mind off the fact I’m struggling with this year and we’re only three months in. Oh well, time for some yoga and more baking to perk up the spirits and get back into the swing of crazy.

Lovely little home…or not.

I know you’re all sick of me blogging today. Three posts is far too many. But this is my version of procrastination.

I’ve been feeling very homey lately. We have a nice vegetable garden, and a pool, and a shed. And we have a fully stocked fridge and a lovely little house. So it’s hard not to feel happy about my little home.

But there have been some problems with my attempts at domestication. Actually, to be quite frank, I suck a little bit at it.

Our garden for starters. Spinach shouldn’t be hard to grow. But we’ve managed to let one whole lot go to seed, the second lot we scorched in the hot sun and then I drowned it, and now I think it’s just given up all hope.

Thank goodness there’s not such crime as cruelty against plants.

We have plenty of tomato’s, this year I haven’t nearly killed them (yet)…but they won’t turn red. We have green tomato’s. And a lot of them! Our broccoli came back from the dead, I’m not sure how. And I simply cannot grow basil, I kill every single plant. And I’ve been through about six just this year.

Never the less, we have something of a garden and I feel like I’m a good little home body because of it. So in celebration of our lovely home, we bought a pool. Just a small one for a few adults to sit in during the baking summer months. Oh, but can we actually put up the relatively simply pool? Nope. We’ve had to empty it once already and now it leaks every time we take the hose off the attachment. And the filter makes a funny noise. It seemed like such a simply task, I even read the instructions!

And washing! I try so very hard to hang it out before work, and make sure the loads are small, but do you think I can for the life of me remember to actually put it out? Nope. So it ends up washed about three times before it even makes it to the line.

I shouldn’t be allowed to be a grown up.

I’m eating a smoothie for dinner tonight and I’m going to cook up some gluten free pasta and smoother it in basil pesto (what’s left of my basil plant) for an afternoon snack…because cooking actual food just seems far to grown up for someone who can’t even fill a pool properly.

I think a run, a smoothie, and bed is the perfect solution to this ‘adulthood’ issue I seem to be having.

I’m no longer going to adult anymore

Lately things haven’t been going exactly to plan. Well, it’s not that I really have a plan, so they can’t really not be going to plan, but I had ideas of how life would look by the time I turned 21. For the most part, I think life’s pretty much on track. Good boyfriend, check, place to live and call home, check, hobbies, check, full time job in a field I studied for, check. Yep, pretty much on the right path.

But this is the thing I’ve learnt about life so far, it never really feels the way you think it’s going to, and it always looks different when you live it.

By now, I thought I would have sold my horse. I mentally prepared myself for that…and it does drive me mental I haven’t while everyone else is busy selling theirs. Jealousy never has looked good on me. I thought I would have a list a mile long of places I wanted to travel to. I have a list of about five places, all of which cost too much. I have also learnt, stress never stops, but money always has a way of doing so. Whether it be the money that is stopping, or the fact the lack of money to start with is what is stopping you in the first place, it’s hard to say. I could just stop acquiring horses…that might also help the money thing.

But this is life and it’s about time I made friends with the pretty awesome one I have (this part is not sarcastic).

While I’m feeling guilty about being stuck in a rut of my fantastic life, I tend to want to stop being an adult all together.

It does have its perks though. I don’t have to cook. There is this amazing thing called a blender and you just put yum things in it and taadaaaaa, dinner. Parking fines can be paid a month after they’re due before you get into trouble. But don’t do that in the work car, then you get in trouble well before that. On payday, you feel like the richest person on earth. Until you pay rent, and for the hobbies, and the food, and the power…

Life is pretty good as an adult, apart from the decision making process.

Sometimes, in the middle of stores where I have to make large purchases, I feel like the sales people are plotting my doom with all their questions. Really, they’re just doing a good job and I probably am responsible for several peoples commissions. Don’t even get me started on those self check out things at the supermarkets. They were built to destroy my soul.

Sometimes, I just can’t human properly.

I also make up words still, I’m not sure if that’s ok as an adult?

There is nothing particularly bad about being an adult. It’s just this kind of overwhelming feeling that this, is your life, and no matter how good or bad it is, you have to live with it. That scares me.

That scares me a lot.

Be nice!

Do you ever have those days where you’re just like ‘I quit’ ‘I quit life today, I’ll be back tomorrow’?

I’ve had a few of those lately.

Thankfully I’ve been lucky enough to have amazing contacts who have given me some pretty cool stories. But a job where you’re dealing with people all the time can often be a little depressing. I know I’m born for this job, but there are days where you sit there and go, ‘why?’.

When you are dealing with at least 10 people a day, it’s easy to come across a few ass holes. And I really don’t like ass holes. We live in such a beautiful country, we have all this incredible luxury around us, and so many people still lack the ability to be kind.

Just one simple act of kindness goes a long way. I have made it my personal mission in life to be as kind as possible to the people who seem like they really need it, and the ones who don’t. Everyone needs kindness at the end of the day.

You just have no idea how close someone might be to breaking point, and just one simple thought beyond your own life to extend a hand and lift someone else up may just be the one thing that keeps them going.

Life can be hard at the best of times, so why on earth do we go out of our way to make other peoples harder than it has to be?

Anyway, that’s my rant before I head off for the long weekend.

Be nice people!

Talking to my pizza

I’m losing my mind. It began last night when I started talking to my pizza, but not it has progressed to mistaking my headphone for the nuts I was eating. It doesn’t taste nearly as good as an almond.

Lately, my life has been taking a little more than steroids, and I’m actually losing track of the amount of stress causing things happening, I possibly think that is my brains way of maintaining some sort of sanity. I have had some wins lately, few and far between, but they make up for the seriously average times a little bit.

When feeling as though you could actually punch something, Google angry mad woman…it makes you feel considerably better.

I also try to find as many songs which are either sarcastic, or about things a little bit worse than my actually rather blessed life. My world is like a tar-sealed open highway, with a few pot holes and a bit of road kill here and there. Many people’s are like a gravel back road up a hill.

So I can’t really complain. But between the average weather, the amount of things I have to do before Christmas and the fact I have bills that are actually planning my death, I am feeling just a little bit like I am slowly drowning.

Good thing I’m a good swimmer and I’ve always been able to hold my breath for a considerable amount of time.

So is it going to be ok? Yep, with a lot of cups of tea, blankets, TV shows, quotes and bible verses, good friends, and remembering one day it will end and if you turn enough pages you get to the end of the chapter.

I did an interview with a 17-year-old yesterday. She said she doesn’t have an end goal yet, “I don’t really see an end at this point, I’m only 17, why think about the end?”
“I have never had a day I’m not motivated, you’re still getting closer to your goals. I don’t find I am unmotivated. You have to do it, you can’t expect things to just fall into your lap. You have to work hard. I don’t see any reason I shouldn’t be able to, as long as I work hard and I make progress, I don’t see any reason why I can’t do what I want.”

After listening to someone say that with such conviction, you can’t really walk away and not feel a little bit motivated to just keep on getting back up, it doesn’t matter how tired you are.

So now I’m off to find other food items I can chat to, while still trying to convince myself I have some sanity left to tide me through to the end of the year…oh you are beautiful cup of tea!

Sunday, please don’t leave me yet.

It has been a long year so far. October is a week in, the weather is quite average, and summer still seems like a long way off (we start summer in December here). I’m 21 in less than a month. It seems remarkably far away really, I mean I’ve been telling people I’m 21 for the last month now away, mainly because it eliminates a little of the ‘you don’t seem that young!’ Not entirely sure why one year old makes people a little less shocked, but it does, so I’ve been rolling with it.

I will admit it, this year has certainly started to show in the fine (or not so) lines on my face, mainly my forehead from squinting at the computer and making an angry face at frustrating people. There has been a lot of process, I’m not even entirely sure what it all is now, it just sort of all blends together after a little while.

But it has also been a really good year. In just over a month I will be moving, again, and living with my sister this time, which I am hugely excited about. It will be nice living with someone familiar again. Flatting wears you down. It’s fun, but after three years you just want to be able to walk around the house in your underwear and it not feel weird. Or run to someone to borrow their bra because you’ve run out. Or steal their tweezers because yours somehow disappeared in your room.

Being able to breathe a deep breath when you come home, and know if you’ve had a really shit day, there is going to be someone there just to give you a hug.

It things like that you really miss after moving 6 times and living with 8 different people in that time.

I really should not be writing a blog this late, feeling as average as I do, but I think my body is just giving up. Not because it’s over worked, but because you just get to a point where you need a break. A long break on a really nice beach, sipping a cocktail, with your best friend.

Oh one can dream!

This was a very depressing blog… and I am sorry about that.

But hey, if you’re currently fighting the overwhelming urge to turn off every electronic device and disappear for a while, at least you know you’re not along!

Bring on Monday…

My real world is taking steroids

One of the benefits of being a journalist, I work well under pressure. There is this line between stressful, and then just to the point most people would declare insanity. Somewhere between the two is where I function best. My motto in times like these: ‘Well, I’ll just have to be organised’. When I say organised, I mean my life planned out at nearly two months in advance currently, with some things having been planned three months in advance. But there are always varriables, and I really don’t like varriables.

Since I have already declared insainty aproximately 15 or so years ago, I feel I have learnt how to embrace it, which is possibly how I managed to sleep last night.

Let me explain.

I have 6 weeks to foal a horse, continue trying to sell a horse, move house – this means actually finding one to move into, magicing up the money to then move into it, finding a house that fits all my stuff in it, and then organise at least three strong men to help me shift and cars to tow the trailers. And work two jobs.

Well I don’t have to, I just like to punish myself even further for actually coping so far.

The reason for two jobs, is because I haven’t sold the horse and I have to foal the other horse. That’s all cool and stuff. I just wish my body would just suck it up and stop trying to get sick. I do not need a day off, I need to organise.

My to do lists, I think, may take over my life and consume me in my sleep. People often say ‘welcome to the real world’ I think my ‘real world’ has been taking steroids.

I turn 21 at the start of November, currently I avoid looking at that month on my calendar, I’m afraid all the things happening will leap out and suffocate me.

You ever get that feeling where the world is actually suffocating you? Yep, I have been repeating ‘breathe, deep deep breathing. It will all be ok’ to myself over and over today.

I have discovered we have this pink bag in the office, when you put envelopes in it, they get magically posted. I love this part of being in an office.

So there you have it. My life is actually insane. I am going insane. I also have to take another blood test for my thyroid. It’s not going to be good if my breathing doesn’t keep up!

I think I might need to go for a run tonight…

Cheerio!