A walk up struggle street

It think it’s hard to be out of control of your life. There are decision, and then there are things that just sort of happen. And I do believe a lot of that is just the straw you drew. You know when you’re a kid and you had to pick the longest straw in order to get to make the decision? It didn’t matter how much you thought about it or even really your guess…it was simply down to luck. The rest of it, was just making the most of the straw you drew.

Right now my straw is the middle one.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed. I’m not stressed about how much I have on. I’m a busy person, I love that. I had a whole afternoon to myself and I spent it deciding on tattoos and flights to another country…and that’s why I should only have a limited amount of free time!

I’m stressed because of the things out of my control.

My thyroid results were good. I should be very happy with them. But they want to run extra tests. That’s fine, that’s normal. But I think there is never a point in which ‘we want to run extra tests to rule out cancer’ becomes an easy thing to digest. Not at 22. Not ever. Not when you know what that looks like in the long run. Not when you have for the past few years realised the same thing has been said to people who it has become a reality for. And it’s almost impossible to understand the uncontrollable concern that comes with living with a condition that can change so much of your life so quickly…and with very little warning.

I am completely at the mercy of what my body decided to do…

And that at times is incredibly difficult.

I think personally, I’ve come to terms with things like the idea that if it all goes wrong, I might not have a family. I’ve come to terms with many, many things to do with this condition. I’ve thought about quantity verse quality if it becomes a cancerous node. I’ve educated myself best I can and I’ve considered all options from best case to worst case scenario.

And you could say don’t worry until you need to…

But I think preparing yourself for every outcome is wise, because you never really do know.

For me it’s never about myself anymore. It’s about who I’m with, it’s about a future family, it’s about the other persons hopes and dreams for life. And the weight of that, when I have little control over the outcome, is terrifying.

 

In three months I will have no job.

I have absolutely no idea where I am headed next. I have so many ideas and dreams for life and zero idea how to make those happen in a short time frame.

I am terrified on so many different levels of life and the weight of that this week has definitely sunk well into my soul.

Perhaps I’m just a little bit worn down from several years of repetitive bad news. But it’s certainly made me appreciate the moments of sunshine.

There are these little moments, like when the day is sunny and I walk out of the office and it just fills my whole body with warmth. Or days when the sun is setting and I race down to the beach to catch the perfect photo and I feel my toes in the sand and the waves crashing and it just feels like home. Or the times on the mountain snowboarding when it’s just a beautiful day and I look down at how tiny it all seems from so high up. Or moments when I taste a really good coffee or a waiter is super helpful with food I can eat. Or times I just snuggle into my horse and breathe in that musty smell and I feel this little moment of utter peace. There are these moments in life I think I used to miss a lot of the time.

Before the dodgy teachers, before the broken relationships, before the health problems, before cancer got to people I love, before people died, before I missed out on sporting dreams…I don’t think I really understood how beautiful those moments were.

Sometimes I just sit somewhere in town and watch people walk past. Or I buy myself something as simple as a nice face wash. Those things remind me of the good parts, of the really nice parts.

It’s not all bad. And often the big scary things in life seem so big and so scary they take over those little moment of joy.

Jobless and cancer are two pretty scary concepts. And it’s about the only time I ever feel young and ill equipped…because I don’t know how to cope with those.

I’m sure it will work out. I’ll find a good job and the tests will come back as we expect; clear and providing certainty and hope.

But there is always, always in the back of my mind that little ‘well what if they don’t?’

And the worst part about is it is it’s not even just the product of an overactive mind coming up with things to worry about. They are real concerns and real possibilities.

That’s the scary part.

I want so much for life. I want to change so many things in other peoples lives. And I find standstill the most frustrating setting.

But like everything, it’s just a season. And seasons change. Each has it’s own negatives and its positives. I think, after awhile, you just kind of learn to accept that.

Even just learning to accept that sadness and hold on for the ride…that’s a pretty big lesson in itself.

But lately I’ve been taking a walk or two up struggle street.

And you know what, that’s actually ok too.

 

 

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Saving grace

Today, and yesterday, were the kind of days where I have to remind myself to breathe. One, because I need oxygen, two, because I need to relax. Along with a splitting headache and aching stomach, the clear indicator for stress was standing in the kitchen writing stories in my head. 

Stop it brain. Time to shut off. 

But I’ve done enough complaining lately. I actually enjoy working 8.30am to 7pm some days, in a weird way it means I can consume myself in work enough I can forget about all the other things I should be doing. 

Like making friends. Doing sport. Keeping fit. That sort of stuff. 

I realised though, these last few days, just how lucky I am. Today I have been trying really hard to be positive, so here is a list of things I am grateful for:

1) The guy who flashed his lights to warn me of a speed camera so I didn’t end up with another ticket. 

2) The fact it stopped raining when I went to feed my horse.

3) Fantastic people I have met during my interviews lately, these are amazing reminders of why I love my job.

4) Friends who bring me food. Like, there are no words for people like this. I love them more than I can explain. There is simply nothing better than a friend who offers to bring you food when you’ve had a really shitty day and forgot there was this thing called eating which you need to do.

5) Good music, the amount I have found lately has kept me afloat.

6) People to dream with. Even if it is something simple and far off, just having someone to discuss the future and the excitement of it makes me smile. 

7) Having a work car… because I am rather poor.

8) Managing to not crash it even though with this awful weather lately there have been several very close calls. 

9) Having a horse, because sometimes, you just need horse cuddles to make the world seem like a nice happy place.

10) A bed, a roof, a warm house, food, and a job. I don’t think I ever stop and appreciate these things enough. I am so lucky to live in a house, let alone the incredible house I live in, with good people, in a safe country.

So I have a life plan. I have a headache. I didn’t get a speeding ticket. I have managed to actually achieve nearly everything I need to by 10am tomorrow. I have fantastic friends. And my hottie bottle and cup of tea are perhaps some of the more reassuring things after a long day. 

Anyway, what I actually came on here to say was that I have become a far more vulnerable person. While that was very scary at first, it feels good to rely a little more on others and a little less on myself. Bad days are still unpleasant, but when you’re not shouldering the whole world, you feel much more equipped to cope. 

People rock. Good people, are really quite incredible. 

So folks, remember to ask for help when you can’t do it on your own anymore, and remember when to say no when you can’t take it anymore.

But don’t forget to say yes and to lend a hand when you can, because everyone has their turn at feeling like their my paddock in the rain with a horse running up and down it. 

 

All this adult stuffs

I’m done being an adult.

Can I quit now? No one tells you when you’re a teenager and wanting your freedom so desperately, that with freedom comes bills, lots of bills, and with bills, comes no freedom at all. Ok, they did tell me that. I just chose at that point to stomp my feet and walk off, probably slam a door while I was at it too.

Right about now, I would quite happily go back to no drinking and a curfew, along with the free rent, free food, free internet, free grazing for me horse, free everything for my horse, free free free – freedom.

Of course one only begins to realise that once they reach a point of ‘whhhhhy does my bank account not have more money in it!’ By that stage it’s all over, and you might as well grab that bottle of wine and enjoy your freedom… which due to having a full time job to cover all those bills, involves maybe one glass (or one bottle…or if it’s really that bad and the wine is free possibly two), a warm blanket, and a whole series of a dramatic TV show. 

I’m getting far too dramatic. 

I still have money, I’m sober 97.8% of the time, and I have a few friends who still like me… the rest, well who knows. So I’m going to say for the first year of working and two horses, I’m not doing horrendously. 

I still have taken to not looking at my bank account, and silently wishing more money would just magic its way in there.

I’m looking at it in a more positive light: I have horses, these are investments, they will make me money. Then I burst into this hysterical fit of laughter and wish my parents had said “no you can’t have a pony”. 

Just kidding… kinda.

So on that note, while I drink a hot lemon, ginger, and manuka honey tea (I had a voucher for the supermarket… so I went wild and brought manuka instead of normal honey, woop woop!) and feel sorry for myself because it’s raining… and has been all day… and is going to keep raining all week, which means no riding, lots of mud, and it’s just miserable. 

Yes, I am also well aware that 4 months ago I was crying because it wouldn’t rain.

I need to change my perspective on life.

But this ‘being positive’ thing can wait until my throat stops feeling like I’m swallowing glass, and I manage to be self controlled enough to get more than 7 and 1/2 hours sleep each night.

For now, back to the TV programmes!