One of those moments

It’s 5.09pm and I got home from work over half an hour ago. I spent most of the time since I drove in the driveway sitting in my car and lying on my bed with my cat. That might not seem like anything particularly special, but for those who know Charlie the cat it’s a pretty big deal.

Charlie doesn’t sleep on beds. Ever. And he freaks out when I put him on them. But today, a day where I don’t particularly want to face the world, Charlie cat let me not only put him on the bed, but lie down and have a nap beside him. He’s currently still curled up in a bun like formation while I type away at my desk.

Some days are hard. Your guess is as good as mine as to why. But this week my new life has begun to really sink in. The kind of sink where you slowly slip into a lukewarm pool and can’t quite tell if you’re 100 per cent happy about it, but you’re still glad to be there.

I’ve gone from a very body confident, reliable decision maker to a constantly uncertain, emotionally reserved and body conscious individual. I’m not sure how I got from there to here. There’s plenty of good changes too. I think. I can’t list them right now, but they are there. I know how to stand my ground and to be confident in what I do for work. That’s something.

This might sound weird, but a year ago I was a ‘go to person’ one of those people you have in your life for when it gets tough. The person you turn to to talk about anything. The person you need at the end of a rough day…someone who just sort of fixes things.

Somewhere along the road I became allergic to drama, to emotions, to anything that even remotely resembles someone needing me.

And I have no idea why.

At some point I just kind of stopped giving a shit.

And people stopped needing, they stopped talking, and they too stopped caring.

I think when big changes occur in someones life and when they go through challenging times, it’s easy to forget healing takes a long time. A really, really long time.

And people who weren’t there through it don’t realise how patient they need to be. But the people who were there through it often aren’t there any longer.

Someone can look fine but in reality they’re still struggling, they’re still broken, and they’re still healing.

I think the number one relationship killer ,whether it be friendship or romantic, is complacency and lack of respect.

I don’t mean respect in the term you might be picturing it in. I mean it in the way of listening to ideas and advice, listening to that persons way of viewing the world…and caring about it. By complacency I mean people stop caring about the answer to ‘how was your day’ they stop wanting that person to be happy, they stop wanting that person to smile. People just start to go about their own lives forgetting to ask and care: “how are you really doing?”

It’s amazing how easily and how quickly it happens.

And I’m terrified of it.

I’m also exhausted.

Maybe because for me part of my healing process means it takes a lot of energy to be open, to love, to care, to let people in. I don’t know if that ever gets easier, but I keep on trying hoping it eventually will.

This week I’ve started to appreciate my city and the morning drive to work. I’ve tried hard to walk around town more at lunch time, to come up with new places to take my horse; to genuinely live here.

But man, it is not easy. I still miss Hamilton. I miss the people. But I am starting to live here and in all honesty, I’ve made some incredible friends here so far I’d be sad to leave if I ever moved back. This is home. And it’s starting to feel like that.

But it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. I think after any period, long or short, of hardship it takes years to adjust again. This is probably the most time I’ve spent alone or even wanted to spend alone in nearly a year.

I’ve spent a year hiding.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve slowly addressed things as I felt I was capable. I’ve tried my best to counsel and work my way through the hurt bits and the crappy bits and ‘fix’ myself. But up until this point I’ve needed people. I’ve needed to see and be around people to remind myself it’s ok.

And now, I think I’m slowly learning how to be ok alone again and how to cope with myself.

I have a thyroid scan in a weeks time. I’m both nervous and excited. I want to know where it’s at. Has the nodule grown? Will I have to have a life changing operation? Will I not? I play it down but it plays on my mind almost constantly. And that’s just the reality of it.

I think somedays, I just want to feel unconditionally loved, and I want to unconditionally love myself too. I want that love for myself. I want to be in that space again where I don’t question if I’m a hard person to love, where I don’t feel like I’m still a bit broken, where I just feel like a whole human. A few weeks back I wrote a post about how I finally felt like I was no longer recovering. And I feel like that most of the time now.

But with any recovery there are set backs.

And this is just one of those moments.

This blog got a lot more real than I was anticipating. I think Sam ought to bring my red wine to me and I will lie on my bed with Charlie cat and watch crappy soaps.

Till next time x

 

Advertisements

One, two, three, run.

I woke up rather angry today. Like all days I wake up with the rage of a fire breathing dragon locked in a cave I went for a run, did some push ups and even some sit up for good measure, then some weird leg raise thingy the trainer at the gym taught me that makes my hamstrings burn with a similar pain to that of a bed of biting ants in Asia.

Life has stopped spiralling out of control. It’s like a tornado that rips through and then when it stops, you’re sort of left standing wondering where on earth you start the clean up. That’s me right now. Standing, wondering a) where I start and b) excited I get to put it back how I want it. So last week I picked a starting point. I’ve started part time work and even gave myself a cool sounding title. My car is still a mess, I still have another a few boxes to unpack and a car to vacuum, but it’s a start. I started. Today is the first day I’ve actually had alone. So far I’ve spent the last few weeks with close friends or family and while I have my little brother here still…I may have possibly over reacted to the dishwasher not being unstacked again and food all over the bench…again. Man I sound like a mother. Sigh. In spite of that I’m actually loving being able to get to know Josh (little brother). I left home when he was only 11, so now at 16 and a completely different person to me, it’s a lot of fun hanging out. Though he managed to kick my butt at the driving rage the other day…I however just don’t seem to have the same skill at killing golf balls.

Josh was talking to myself and Tom yesterday about growing up and the fact that Tom was top in his class at school. Then we all looked at each other and Josh just had this terrifying looking on face of ‘I really hope I don’t end up like you both in six years time’. Then we all laughed. Unemployed, broke, and single definitely doesn’t look so appealing from a 16 year olds point of view I guess. But hey, as I described it to him in some attempt to make life seem less depressing the older you get, life isn’t all about having everything you want or going the way you expect. It’s just about having fun and making the most of the cards you’re dealt and despite what I may think sometimes, I’ve been dealt some pretty great ones.

I, however, don’t like to take my own advice when it comes to the fact I still can’t horse ride and I’m incredibly bitter about that fact. Then I remind myself I was snowboarding in Austria and it doesn’t seem like such a bad decision after all. Because of it though, I have taken up running and can now make it to 1.8km without dying! Before all you runners start laughing, for those of us who consider running to be a form of optional torture, that’s a big deal. Last week I struggled with 1km alone and the plan is in 12 months time I will run 5 of those suckers like they were yesterdays news.

Thankfully I have Nikole to drag me up the Papamoa hills each week and plan wonderful mountain hikes so that goal is actually attainable. I’ve also made strange agreements like “I’ll run up this 1.7km hill that currently still kills me at a walk by the end of next year”. Mad. I am a mad woman. But my weight is great, I feel fantastic, I’m getting a terribly uneven tan, my tailbone only hurts 50 per cent of the day, and my horse is so fat I’m going to start leading her up hills with me when I run…who needs a dog! And I have a fantastic part time job that makes me feel like a real human again. Now it’s time to dust off that CV apply for a few more positions, keep my fitness training up, and see where life takes me!

So I still have my bad days, break ups aren’t nice and the feeling of betrayal, pain, anger, sadness, and the ‘what could I have done better’ doesn’t go away over night. It’s not something I blame on one person and I think part of me still can’t quite comprehend things are different after four years. But they are and life goes on. This beautiful, incredible life goes on and I want to be part of it.

I am part of it.