I’m no longer going to adult anymore

Lately things haven’t been going exactly to plan. Well, it’s not that I really have a plan, so they can’t really not be going to plan, but I had ideas of how life would look by the time I turned 21. For the most part, I think life’s pretty much on track. Good boyfriend, check, place to live and call home, check, hobbies, check, full time job in a field I studied for, check. Yep, pretty much on the right path.

But this is the thing I’ve learnt about life so far, it never really feels the way you think it’s going to, and it always looks different when you live it.

By now, I thought I would have sold my horse. I mentally prepared myself for that…and it does drive me mental I haven’t while everyone else is busy selling theirs. Jealousy never has looked good on me. I thought I would have a list a mile long of places I wanted to travel to. I have a list of about five places, all of which cost too much. I have also learnt, stress never stops, but money always has a way of doing so. Whether it be the money that is stopping, or the fact the lack of money to start with is what is stopping you in the first place, it’s hard to say. I could just stop acquiring horses…that might also help the money thing.

But this is life and it’s about time I made friends with the pretty awesome one I have (this part is not sarcastic).

While I’m feeling guilty about being stuck in a rut of my fantastic life, I tend to want to stop being an adult all together.

It does have its perks though. I don’t have to cook. There is this amazing thing called a blender and you just put yum things in it and taadaaaaa, dinner. Parking fines can be paid a month after they’re due before you get into trouble. But don’t do that in the work car, then you get in trouble well before that. On payday, you feel like the richest person on earth. Until you pay rent, and for the hobbies, and the food, and the power…

Life is pretty good as an adult, apart from the decision making process.

Sometimes, in the middle of stores where I have to make large purchases, I feel like the sales people are plotting my doom with all their questions. Really, they’re just doing a good job and I probably am responsible for several peoples commissions. Don’t even get me started on those self check out things at the supermarkets. They were built to destroy my soul.

Sometimes, I just can’t human properly.

I also make up words still, I’m not sure if that’s ok as an adult?

There is nothing particularly bad about being an adult. It’s just this kind of overwhelming feeling that this, is your life, and no matter how good or bad it is, you have to live with it. That scares me.

That scares me a lot.

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Tomorrow will be pants day

These past few weeks have taken their toll. I’d like to say my mental state is still intact, and it might be, sorta, but the fact I struggled with even the ‘get out of bed’ part of the day… it’s definitely questionable. 

Having seen an old friend, which has been fantastic but certainly induced plenty of emotional baggage being dragged back up from it’s long lost hole it slipped into in the baggage claim area, having my horse be a normal animal and do exactly what it shouldn’t be doing, and a rather stressful two weeks with the boss being away… I have forgiven myself for not being able to put on pants today. 

Wow, that was a long sentence. I’d break it up but my editing days are done. Two weeks of preparing for the boss to go away, and two of her being away, no more. Not a single word more. I actually lost the ability to even type the last two days of the week. 

So after an entire day of chatting to my mother on the phone, lying in bed, talking and hanging out with Alex, not putting on makeup – I did make it to the couch – I am feeling much more capable of facing the world. 

It’s another week. There’s more news, there is more things to do, still a horse to ride. Life goes on. Though I’d love to go into hiding, I wont. 

That’s just life… 

And tomorrow, I’ll put on pants. 

 

 

Let’s run away and do what we want

Exhaustion has hit with the force of a bolder. One that has been stuck for 100’s of years, suddenly released in a freak earthquake. Apparently I’m not better. I’m just a sick. I just don’t look quite as sick. I still feel it. The problem is I can’t sleep. This is because I am stressed, which is because I am sick, preventing me from getting things done. 

As a result of this total body consuming exhaustion I have come to a realization (with the help of pessimistic tutors/industry people) that I will probably struggle to find a job where I need one at the end of the year. This leaves me with several options: run away into the bush and become a hermit, ride horses (not a bad second option), become a farmer, go back and live at home (also viable being my parents live by the beach in Papamoa in a nice house with a pool) or move somewhere random because I can. The last option is very possible. 

I realized tonight that I have not in fact done anything completely spontaneous with the only logical reason being because I wanted to. That is odd. If I do not have a job, which I’m hoping is not the case, I’m think becoming a bush hermit or moving somewhere totally random are good options. Why not? My boyfriend was somewhat surprised and I think secretly horrified I may have finally reached the point of insanity, but I was on my way here along time ago.

I hate being sick.

I really do. 

Oh no, we’ve lost the cat.

My cat has gone missing. Run away, stuck, found a new home, lost… I’m not all too sure. He’s just vanished. Poof. And here I was thinking it was rabbits that were meant to disappear. Now I have never had an animal die, go missing or well, anything that normally happens to animals. Oh well of course I’m not including my escape artist rabbits I used to own. I caught them though. Every time. Not that that stopped them trying.

Either way, this is a rather new concept for me. Normally I have sold the few animals I have let go of and they all went to great loving homes. So, my question is… how am I/ what am I meant to a) feel and b) do. 

I mean we’ve called, we’ve waited, we’ve searched… I just don’t know what to do next! As for how I feel… well sad of course but that is such a generic feeling for something so complex as loosing a very snuggly happy part of your family. 

Not cool. So not cool.