#itsbetterthanalright

How my body has felt over the past month: “Ok, you need to rest, recover from jetlag. I said rest. No, alcohol is not rest. Stop it. I mean it. You need more than 6 hours sleep. Seriously. Stop. Stop what you are doing and drink some damn water girl. Ok, that really is enough alcohol now. I said stop. OK I REALLY MEAN I NOW STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND REST AND DAMN WELL GET SOME SLEEP WOMAN!”

I’m sick. The kind of miserable sick that makes me want to curl up with my favourite teddy, a hot lemon drink, and lots and lots of cold and flu tablets until my body decides to come out from hibernation. It’s my first week of work and I woke up this morning with no voice. Thankfully by 8am I had regained my voice and I can now speak in one tone, only one, without it sounding like I’m sick. Pretty much that means anything beyond a basic conversation is out. I managed to make it to work, get to the pharmacy, buy drugs that cost me two hours pay so I could stay at work and pretend I’m not sick.

I have my official title now! I’m a client liaison and marketing co-ordinator person. Heavens only knows what that means… but pretty much I’ve established I do research on where we can be improving our reach, I talk to clients and make sure they have what they need and pass them onto the relevant people, and I help the marketing team wherever necessary. In a nutshell that’s what it is anyway. That and making sure the coffee pot is always full, the bench is wiped down (I still to this day, two weeks into the job, have no idea how the guys in the office manage to get coffee from one end of the bench to the other… they don’t even make the coffee… ), make sure the office is organised, do the stationary order, which is really quite fun, and answer phones.

I also started in the show home last night as a show home hostess… basically I get to sit in a really nice new house and talk to people who come through about it about the house and the business. I get to know things like what colour it is, how high the ceilings are, what kind of carpet it has, and all the stuff about the business I’ve grown up learning. It’s amazing what you retain from eves dropping as a child…

Then there is also the communications work which has seen me get over my fear of pitching new business to potential clients.

If you’d asked me a year ago what I’d be doing this wouldn’t have been what I would have pictured, but it’s really great. I’m actually remarkably happy with life at the moment. One of the three guys I work with in the office asked me… for the first time I might add… what was going on in my world. I said, “Nothing really, it’s good”. He looked at me surprised and said, “Well that’s good there’s no complaints”. Nope. Nothing to complain about here. And I thought about it for a moment, that despite how sick I am (and yes I know I’m complaining on here… I’M ALLOWED), and how rather broken I’ve been feeling lately about the break up, or how annoyed I am I can’t ride every day yet, or how windy Tauranga is, or how ridiculous the traffic is, life is great. It sure as hell has been a lot worse and could still be a lot worse. I think, having hit a pretty low low last year, I have realised how simple it can be to put foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.

Difflam spray and Coldrex definitely helps with that. I think I might actually become addicted to Difflam, is that possible? It tastes so delicious.

I’m also coming to this point where the idea of being in a new relationship is actually freaky. It’s not like a ‘oh I just want to be single for a while’, because I do want to do that, but it’s this kind of weird feeling of how do I be with anyone else when I’ve been with one person for so many years? And it’s not even that many years. Four years is just a blip in terms of an entire life span. But it feels like forever because I’m only 22… so it’s a fifth of my life (I think, I’m bad at maths). I can be a really weird person at times…I’m like this energetic, optimistic, freakishly excitable soul in a pessimistic, worn out, sarcastic body. And then there are all the health problems that I know I’m on top of but it might not stay that way and I could legitimately turn a bit crazy. And that freaks me out. So imagine how I feel about talking to someone else about that? IT’S JUST ALL SO COMPLICATED.

So I’m rolling with #single. But then on the other hand I’m all like #lovingflirting and I swing dramatically between the two. Then I also occasionally go with #imgoingtobealoneforever and #sobbinginmylonliness but also #lookatallthispaceinmybedforME and #noonetoanswerto.

You can see how this might be a bit confusing at times?

It doesn’t help that when I get sick I get delusional. So right now I know I’m making very strange statements and I should be kept away from my blog but there is no one to stop me blogging and so I’m going to post it anyway! Sigh.

So life is this… a great mix of new people, new adventures, getting back into jumping my horse, making goals, having dreams, enjoying working, loving the beach, and also struggling daily with feeling lost, alone, angry, and hurt. But I have great friends and I know it’s on the up. Things are just how they are, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’m not sad about life being different, it’s just different. And that sometimes takes a bit of adjusting.

Moving cities has also been a challenge and I regularly miss the Waikato and wonder if I made the right choice moving back. But I did. I know I did. Even if NO ONE IN THIS CITY CAN DRIVE PROPERLY…I get to be close to family and friends and once things slow down a bit and I have routine in the new year… I can start planning my next adventures. Because I have a whole life ahead of me to live them in. So time to start working and saving and dreaming.

#itsbetterthanalright

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My mental health is in order

I’ve had a number of people concerned about my emotional and/or mental health lately after reading my recent blogs. I’m ok, I promise, I’m fantastic in fact.

I would just really like to hit someone with a council agenda.

I’m not going to. I would probably get in trouble, possibly lose my job. Something like that. So I wont. I’m also a really nice person. Somewhere, deep down, I am a really good person. This is what I sing to myself, as I rock in a corner, in the foetal position.

This, is my current state of mind. No, you shouldn’t be worried. I am in fact rather happy.

You just have to spend enough hours going through council agendas, Proposed District Plans, rating systems, and have a desk which looks like the plague of sticky notes, to understand how one gets to this state of mind.

My uncle, who is also a journalist at a weekly paper, came to visit my home town for the weekend. I popped over to see my parents and him, and realised I am not alone in my suffering. I am, in fact, a normal journalist.

But I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say the cough, sore eyes, blocked nose, is not part of the job. I ought to be prescribing a week in the sun. However, I lack the time or the money.

And this is how we have reached this point: I want to cry in a corner while I blow my nose and cuddle a hottie bottle, but I am ok. Truly, honestly, completely ok.

Mid winter blues, first year of working – the whole no holidays in your first year is dumb, fight the flu, having a small bed room, and having too many hobbies may also be a factor.

But the best thing? The first year of work ends, and in the second year, I get a HOLIDAY! Then I will rub those sweet, sweet two weeks in every persons face who spammed me with tropical pictures this year. Winter ends, summer will be here in five months (but who’s counting?). Hobbies will wait until you have more time. Hottie bottles are easy to fill, and as I have no corners in my room not taken up by stuff, I will limit my crying in self pitty and sickness to my bed, where I will then promptly sleep. Oh yes, and the best one, I will eventually stop being sick.

So you see, it all gets better. It’s just dumb right this very moment, and I want sleep, and food, and sun, and to horse ride and snow board, and work.

Sometimes, there is simply no other way to cope except to throw ones hands in the air and say “over it, can’t do it. Give up. Ask me how I am in five months.”

Then smile politely and resist the urge to imagine strangle someone who makes life harder.

Then laugh. Laughing is always a good end to every situation.

Just have a giggle…

I’m not sure if the effects of pea protein are no longer working, or if I really do just do too much… but when I woke from my short slumber this morning (the short part was not due to lack of trying) I could quite happily have hopped on the next plane and found some cute little tropical get away to wallow in my self pitty. 

I think it might be the mid year reality punch in the face, or my body is simply protesting about being a grown up. 

My to do list is quite possibly going to grow legs and chase after me, and I think it already has teeth, but I am tackling it. Slowly, surely, tackling it. I don’t think my body can absorb any more immune system boosting pills or healthy smoothies! 

Anyway, while I was taking one of my five min ‘you’ve actually managed to accomplish something and your brain now hurts’ breaks I found the above video. 

I am still in a ‘where is my rock, can  I please go back to hiding under it?’ mood, but that video… well… they say laughter is good for the soul…

If only they had laughter tablets I might be able to combat this cold! 

 

Now I am going to dance along in my head (much better than I actually can) and have another giggle while I attempt to win the war with this to do list!

White wash

My computer hates me. It just plots against me, waiting for a moment of weakness, then it strikes. Normally at the end of the day, and almost always when processing photos. I don’t like processing photos any more.

I did this weird thing this morning, it’s call ‘getting up ridiculously early’, I mean 5.40am early. Yes I know, why? My body didn’t get the memo that daylight savings had ended. As a result, I’ve been waking up an hour early. I thought, seeing as I am awake, I might as well actually get up and go ride my horse before work. Apparently my body just wanted to be awake, it didn’t actually want to do anything at that time. I now have a vice like headache and strange vision, kind of like someone went a bit crazy with the brighten tool on a photograph. I’m pretty sure this isn’t a good thing… but that’s ok. 

I am actually glad I got up early, I can now drag my poor, tired brain home – I was going to do grocery shopping, but I think that might be a bit much for it – see my other horse, then curl up in bed for some good old program watching. Nothing could sound more inviting with a headache and clouds outside! 

I actually came on here to be all deep and talk about quotes and secrets and what not… but there is a limit to my depth and seriousness when in pain… my sarcastic side sort of runs rampant over my body. I therefore may just wait until inspiration strikes me and I feel the need to let you all know.

Bye for now.

On a high note

The next sick person to cross my path is going to be avoided (and glared at)… I am over being sick. First it was the cold, which never seemed to end, then when it finally did my partner passed on a lovely tummy bug. Admittedly it is going around everywhere so I can’t really blame him. My immune system was doing so well, it just didn’t really have a chance this time.

The only good thing about being sick is I slip into this weird sort of out-of-body state. The kind of feeling I imagine people get when they are high… actually, it is quite possibly the codeine I am taking in order to stay up right at my desk… either way, it is a very weird feeling, and it makes me smile. Unfortunately it is not a very productive feeling, but it does relieve stress. Having had to take my first sick day yesterday due to the whole not being able to move, sit up right, or talk for more than 10 mins without wanting to curl into a little ball, wondering if that is what death feels like, I feel somewhat well rested. Sick none the less, but rested. I slept for 10 hours last night, and most of the day too, which being perfectly honest was one hell of a relief. Sleep is this precious thing that is not to be thrown away on a whim. 

Yes, this is coming from the person who prior to working full time, did not value sleep. I believe that this is now punishment for my lack of love for it over the years. 

So on that weird and waftly note I shall stop rambling and continue attempting to do some sort of work…

In a flood of laughter

Exhaustion has set in once again. Made it’s bed and decided it’s going to lie in my head. It’s a great feeling you must know. Of course this makes way for a rather gloggy, stuffy, ‘hit my head on the window sill’ kind of feeling and comes a immense lack of concentration. Due to this whole feeling like a bucket of wet sand thing, I thought I’d run a bath. Oh the gloriousness of a wonderful great bath with bubbles and salts. The works. Happiness. As exhaustion made itself even more at home in my head I went back to cooking dinner for myself and my flatmate. The bath ran on. The bubbles got bigger and the water got higher. 

It was a sinking ship from the start.

‘SACHA!’ my flatmate shrieked – in a tone I had not yet heard before. 

I ignored it as I finished making dinner thinking it was more of an excited shriek and she would just come out to the kitchen to tell me about what ever was so thrilling. 

‘SAACHAA!’ The shriek was louder. 

Uhoh I thought. I’m in trouble. There she was. There the water was. The hallway. The carpet. The bath. I quickly turned the bath off. In ankle deep water I began to laugh. I do this when exhaustion has set in. Laughter seems to be the only thing that saves me from total insanity and collapse. 

It was so deep I had to bucket it out of the bathroom. This hilarity in itself was pure joy. After all the towels in the house were soaked and the first lot were in the washing machine I decided I wanted another bath.

It was not my night.

This time it was only close to overflowing. Though this time… there was no more hot water. No bath for me. 

I decided an early night was medicine enough. 

 

Must… sleep… forever.

Off to battle we go!

Uhoh… it’s common cold time again. Yes that means feeling sorry for yourself, dragging your poor, sore, desperate for sleep and a hot water bottle as well as a good book while you sulk miserably about the weather in your bed all day. It means boxes of tissues, sore noses and lots and lots of warm clothes. Oh and I forgot the cold weather in the mix. Yes. That time of year is back. 

It is perhaps one of the only things I really hate about winter. I am armed though. Like most should be. Though I am sure most school aged children use this time of year as a ploy to be able to stay home and con their parents into letting them watch TV… or perhaps thats old school now, Ipad perhaps? Feeling a tad out of date here. None the less- it is time to step up to the ball, take the bull by the horns and tackle this rather over sized, nasty rugby player of a time and take it down. 

With my reliable steed the ‘sorbent- breathe easy’ tissue range, my alliance with quality vit C topped off by back up from any possible health product I can find in my room… apparently, that means quite a few. 

I go to battle. I shall not be defeated this year. Not before I venture into the real world of Auckland to conquer my first internship.

Oh winter, why must you come with such poor presents?

Sober driving and IV drips

Finally clean! It’s not often that I don’t shower every day, wash my face twice and day and brush my teeth along with that so you know somethings not quite right when I don’t. The problem with me is when I get sick I faint whenever I shower or bath- providing a severe drowning risk and seeing as I value my life more than my cleanliness, these last 48 hours have meant feeling less than clean. After my bath this morning I am feeling rather refreshed and some what better than I did yesterday (though I don’t think the morphine has quite worn off).

Being the wonderful girlfriend I am, I offered to sober drive my boyfriend to his friends 21st, spend the night then with people who I don’t really and never have seen eye to eye with and watch everyone else act similar to monkeys high on some interesting substance stronger than bananas. The situation wasn’t exactly what I would call relaxing, even with alcohol pumping through my veins so being sober… well it just made the whole situation feel more like something I should be watching, not living. So any way, after fighting off a bug for the last few weeks I thought being sober was the best option anyway and I was trying very hard to act like I was genuinely enjoying watching everyone else slowly become less apprehensive and join in in the game of chinese whispers as well as enjoy the over-the-top bullpooy that seems to flow like a river for some people mouths.

After 4 hours of the same thing I was feeling more drunk than sober- seeing as I was drinking alcohol free ginger beer the feeling was a tad disconcerting. Never the less I insisted I would be fine after a glass or two of water and I did not want to ruin my boyfriends evening with the ‘friends’. I quickly realized ok I was not. The night continued with my driving home at 30km under the speed limit, crawling into bed, throwing anything I had eaten in the last 24 hours back up, curling up into a very small ball and refusing to be taken to the hospital- expecting to be fine by the morning.

Normally when you’re the sober driver, you’re meant to wake up feeling 10 times better than the people you drove home so I had to laugh a little at the serious irony of it all. Feeling worse than I had the night before and unable to move, open my eyes or string a sentence together I was bundled off to the hospital, and after and IV drip a bundle of drugs and morphine I was feeling much happier.

Bringing me now to today, back in my home town with my mummy looking after me and feeling much more with the sunny weather than under it. My conclusion from the evening is simply it is not my destiny to be a sober driver, or to entertain the likes of people I do not particularly enjoy the company of. And of course that I wish I was a doctor so I could carry one of those IV bags around- they are wonderful, pure bliss I say.

Oh the joy of life at times.