Doomsday prep

I survived two days in Auckland…just. Turns out a cold coffee with ice in it is a ‘cold brew’ in Takapuna (North Auckland) but an iced Americano in Manakau (South Auckland). It’s the same damn city guys, can’t you at least agree on what to name your cold coffee?! I also nearly died because drivers there are just…well…I nearly died. The motorway is fine, people kind of know to look out for others (though with four crashes in the stretch of motorway that runs from one side of the city to the other might suggest otherwise), but outside of that it’s every man for himself. I nearly hit a kid too on a crossing who thought that instead of stopping to check the cars were far enough away to ACTUALLY stop, he just walks out without looking, on dusk, in dark clothes, on a wet road. I stopped.Thankfully.

So with my heart in my throat 90 per cent of the time I was there I’ve concluded I felt safer on the busy streets of South East Asia than I do in Auckland. None the less I am home safe, back in Tauranga, where the drivers are equally as bad but there are far fewer of them.

As I was driving between the two cities (it’s a three hour trip in average traffic) I went back through the Waikato (where I used to live). Man I miss it.

The Waikato is very foggy, most people hate that. I love it. There’s nothing cooler than living at the top of a hill looking down at all the fog sitting in the bottom of the valley. It’s mystical in the coolest of ways.

I’m not missing the cold though.

However, I do miss the fashion. I have no idea how people in Tauranga don’t freeze. No one wears coats?! This time of year in Hamilton I’d be in boots, a scarf, gloves, and a coat. Not here. I’d just look like a weirdo if I wore a scarf AND a coat. But I can’t feel my fingers so I think I might just have to be unfashionable and start rugging up and watch all these weirdos freeze.

The first frost of the year is here (for Tauranga anyway, the rest of the country south is probably already well used to these) and I had to get the ice off my windscreen before work.

The best part though? My car started. Dad was very convinced it wouldn’t once it started getting cold because the battery has a mind of its own. I am of the opinion it’s not a problem till it stops working all together. And on that day I will be late for work and probably be very upset and it will be all my own fault.

None the less, I am trying to prove that it will be fine and it will make it through.

I know it’s at least three years old since I haven’t bought a new one since I got the car…it really is on its last legs.

I have one week to go before my exam (I call it dooms day)…but I have passed all the assignments for that paper so far, so I have a small amount of hope that I may go down in a small blaze of fire rather than a large one.

Shrug.

I’m tired from my Auckland training and I’d love to say that I’m taking the afternoon off to chill out…but I’m not. I’m going to study my butt off to catch up after missing a lot of study time while away training.

One. More. Week.

Then I can crack open my lovely $45 bottle of wine I splashed out on and enjoy it while having a spa. It was going to be a bath, but I feel like I might want people to join me in this wine drinking and it’s a bit hard for them to all join in a bathtub.

Actually don’t try to imagine that.

So life is happening. People are happy, people are getting married, having babies, getting cool jobs. It’s happening. And I’m happy to be part of their stories. It’s fun. I even like crying babies now. Apparently I do have a maternal instinct. Not sure I want my own one any time soon. But you know, at least I like other peoples now.

And on that note I’m off to achieve at least something today from the office before I head off at lunch time to frolic about in the sun for approximately 5minutes before I find myself back inside, cowering from the cold, studying.

Yaaaay…

Over and out.

 

 

 

 

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Happy-go-lucky

The count down to Canada has begun! It’s less than a week before I fly out of the country and I’m still yet to figure out what on earth I’m packing. Sickness has found me once again in the form of a cold and all sorts of average feelings. But I had it coming really, my body doesn’t love take aways, no sleep, and alcohol for over a week! Running around in the rain probably didn’t help either. Never the less I’m now taking the hint and sleeping as much as is humanly possible while still working and occasionally eating. Ugh, I must be getting old. I’m now adding ‘don’t drink vodka’ to my New Years resolution list. Lately I seem to swing between wanting to cuddle up in bed with a good book and my cat and wanting to go clubbing all night and never sleep. I’m some weird combination of grown up and someone trying to relive their teenage years.

When I began 2015 my only new years resolution was to be ‘unapologetically me’. At the time I wasn’t entirely sure what that looked like, all I knew is I was tired of trying to make people happy or impress them and either putting on or shutting down parts of who I was to achieve that. I’d actually forgotten about it when I made 2016’s resolutions, until the other night. I was sitting with one of my best friends when he turned to me after a moment of silence and said “I’ve never met anyone who is so good at being themselves as you are”. It’s funny because I rarely stop to think about what I come across to people as. I know from feedback on my blog that each person reads what I write differently, and I really enjoy that, but I haven’t often stopped to think about how my friends perceive me or my life for that matter.

Quite often I get so focused and just doing my thing I don’t get the chance to congratulate myself on how far I’ve come or pat myself on the back for things I’ve achieved.

I have indeed managed to become unapologetically me and I now know what that looks like: me being me without trying – the people who like who I am, stay and those who don’t, leave. I really like who I am as a result of it and while it’s meant losing a few major people in my life, I’ve made even better friends and become closer to the some of ones I already had.

Part of my being me plan was to live life large; start saying yes more and getting out of my comfort zone. After travelling like I did I thought comfort zones were a thing of the past and getting out of them was a piece of cake. I was wrong, like I usually am, and I’ve found being single one of the hardest things to get used to in terms of meeting guys and striking up conversation with people. I don’t think many people realise just how comforting it is to have that one ‘person’ there for them and how little you rely on other people when in a relationship. Suddenly now I’m single I rely on people like I never have before. I need my friends around me; I need people to laugh with, have nights out with, talk to about random things in my day, share exciting things with, all the little things I shared in a relationship I’ve found other people to share them with. But that, until now, was a very daunting thing. And it still is at times. My happiness is reliant on a lot of different people, I’m still feeling vulnerable, those people can and will move and change and carry on with their own lives just like I will with mine…and I have no say about that. It’s scary. The unknown is scary.

But it’s also exciting. I’m learning to just enjoy the now and the people I have right now. I never thought I’d care about people or want to help people the way I do now. I’ve found the more I go through and the more I see in life the more determined I am to get alongside other people; face life together.

I had another friend point out the other day that I “do so many cool exciting things all the time”. Again, I’d never stopped to think about it. But I suppose when I add up the travelling, the hobbies, the nights out, I am in fact living life large. I’m enjoying every moment of it and I’m grabbing it by the horns. Instead of thinking about it, I’m just doing it. And I think that’s the best way to approach it.

I’ve become a happy-go-lucky people person and that was never something I expected. I looked at people who loved life and frolicked in genuine happiness with a bunch of amazing friends as foreign objects. I honestly had no idea how people did that. Yet just like that, I’m one of those people. When I say just like that I don’t really mean I closed my eyes one night and woke a up different person. I think it’s more a case of the deeper the sadness and hurt you face and the more you see of the world, the more you make the most of the good times and the faster you recover in the bad. It’s not that you ever really stop being sad about the really sad things, you just carry them around in a different way. I’m doing a terrible job of explaining this, but hopefully you get the jist.

So I’m going to stop there before I ramble on into oblivion. Bring on another 12 hour sleep night, healthy food, staying out of the rain, and having cuddles with my cat.

#Icanbeagrownupsometimes

Stuff for a crumby week

crumby

So I know I said I wasn’t going to have any of ‘those’ weeks this year. Well, apparently they found me some how. In the same way ants always manage to find that one stash (or two) of cookies you hide for when you really want a cookie. Thankfully I eat most things rather quickly and ants don’t have time to find them. But that’s not the point.

One of ‘those’ weeks found me.

Thankfully, I’m still in one piece. I’d like to stay in bed all day…so…in the way all bad weeks should finish but never normally can, I’m going to do just that.

It’s a long weekend! Yay! And I have nothing planned for the Friday, so Friday, I shall stay in bed…and probably go for a run because I’ll feel like a fatty after my third breakfast while still in my pjs. YOLO!

Anyway, to finish my bad week I’d thought I would blog. But everything I want to write seems to get depressing quick. Instead, I’m just going to post a whole heap of songs I like (ok…not that many) this week. And a few quotes to finish it all off.

Before I go, because I had a random thought and listened to a good song, here’s my bubble concept. I have a tendency to give too many cares (normally I would swear here but I decided I’m cutting down on that). So I have developed a bubble concept. Inside my bubble is me, and things like people dying…you know uncontrollable things, they’re allowed inside that bubble. I can care about those, because I have to. But what I can control, what doesn’t actually directly affect me, that’s on the outside of the bubble.

It doesn’t means I don’t care when friends are upset, when they are stressed. But it’s not my bubble. Because you can’t take on the world’s worries when the world needs someone to figure out how to over come them somehow.

My bubble concept is the start of me stepping back from life and focusing on exactly what I want from it and what it needs from me. Things are not nearly as big of a deal as they are made out to be.

I have a whole heap of cool stuff to tell you all, but not just yet. I promise it will be cool! (well, it is to me. Most of you will probably think I’m nuts. But what’s new?)

For now, I’m just going to love my own company in my misery and take ‘me’ day.

This song is from Nashville, if you’re not watching that TV series, you should be!

This song I just love. Love, love, love.

The lyrics in this are just…they’re perfect. Actually, this is just the best song ever. (find the original if you want a raw version :))

NOW FOR SOME COOL INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES I’D LOVE TO TAKE CREDIT FOR BUT CAN’T

“The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

“When you look at a person, any person, remember everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them.”

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

“One finds limits by pushing them.” – Herbert Simon

“Either you run the day or the day runs you.” – Jim Rohn

“When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.” – Lolly Daskal

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” – George Adair

“You might have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” – Margaret Thatcher

And this is one from me: “I am not entitled to anything. Everything I gain, I must work for. Every opportunity I stumble across was because I took the right path to find it.”

Sunday, please don’t leave me yet.

It has been a long year so far. October is a week in, the weather is quite average, and summer still seems like a long way off (we start summer in December here). I’m 21 in less than a month. It seems remarkably far away really, I mean I’ve been telling people I’m 21 for the last month now away, mainly because it eliminates a little of the ‘you don’t seem that young!’ Not entirely sure why one year old makes people a little less shocked, but it does, so I’ve been rolling with it.

I will admit it, this year has certainly started to show in the fine (or not so) lines on my face, mainly my forehead from squinting at the computer and making an angry face at frustrating people. There has been a lot of process, I’m not even entirely sure what it all is now, it just sort of all blends together after a little while.

But it has also been a really good year. In just over a month I will be moving, again, and living with my sister this time, which I am hugely excited about. It will be nice living with someone familiar again. Flatting wears you down. It’s fun, but after three years you just want to be able to walk around the house in your underwear and it not feel weird. Or run to someone to borrow their bra because you’ve run out. Or steal their tweezers because yours somehow disappeared in your room.

Being able to breathe a deep breath when you come home, and know if you’ve had a really shit day, there is going to be someone there just to give you a hug.

It things like that you really miss after moving 6 times and living with 8 different people in that time.

I really should not be writing a blog this late, feeling as average as I do, but I think my body is just giving up. Not because it’s over worked, but because you just get to a point where you need a break. A long break on a really nice beach, sipping a cocktail, with your best friend.

Oh one can dream!

This was a very depressing blog… and I am sorry about that.

But hey, if you’re currently fighting the overwhelming urge to turn off every electronic device and disappear for a while, at least you know you’re not along!

Bring on Monday…

Tomorrow will be pants day

These past few weeks have taken their toll. I’d like to say my mental state is still intact, and it might be, sorta, but the fact I struggled with even the ‘get out of bed’ part of the day… it’s definitely questionable. 

Having seen an old friend, which has been fantastic but certainly induced plenty of emotional baggage being dragged back up from it’s long lost hole it slipped into in the baggage claim area, having my horse be a normal animal and do exactly what it shouldn’t be doing, and a rather stressful two weeks with the boss being away… I have forgiven myself for not being able to put on pants today. 

Wow, that was a long sentence. I’d break it up but my editing days are done. Two weeks of preparing for the boss to go away, and two of her being away, no more. Not a single word more. I actually lost the ability to even type the last two days of the week. 

So after an entire day of chatting to my mother on the phone, lying in bed, talking and hanging out with Alex, not putting on makeup – I did make it to the couch – I am feeling much more capable of facing the world. 

It’s another week. There’s more news, there is more things to do, still a horse to ride. Life goes on. Though I’d love to go into hiding, I wont. 

That’s just life… 

And tomorrow, I’ll put on pants. 

 

 

Like a headless chicken

I want to hide. The kind of ‘hide under my blankets because there are monsters under my bed’ kind of way I did as a small child.

Not that I ever believed monsters lived under my bed. My imaginary friend Sammy lived under my bed. He was a good friend. Actually not too sure when we stopped being friends.

Anyway, the reason I want to hide. Being editor makes me want to cry. I mean, I like being in charge, I’m just that sort of personality, I like having control. But I really don’t like people being mad at me.

Apparently you get that a lot when editor. Or at least I do? I swing between ‘I want to scream at you because you’re an awful human!’ to ‘I want to cry and run away and say I’m sorry a million times’.

Thankfully, I’ve managed to control both and have settled for a polite yet ‘the shit is happening this way’ sort of tone.

I have realised the reason we are told to write to a 12-year-old audience since being editor. Someday’s I really do shake my head and lay it on my desk with a ‘are you actually serious?’ sigh as I read some emails. Most people are great… it’s just those small few.

On a positive, I got to visit the zoo yesterday. I haven’t been to the Hamilton Zoo in a very long time, it’s fantastic! I am a little bit in love. I think I am going to go on a trip there when I find a spare moment, for a proper look around. When I say spare moment, I really mean sometime in the next two months and it will be booked in advance because that seems to be how life works lately.

I shouldn’t complain.

I had a fantastic weekend up the mountain with beautiful weather and fresh snow, along with great people. I have slept just over eight hours for the past four nights, so I am starting to feel a little more alive…

Nonetheless I am developing a slight fear of people.

Right, I’d better get back to doing stuff.

Cheerio.

It is that time of year.

I’m not entirely sure how to start this blog. I’m not really sure about many things right now. You see, my horse, being the delightful creature it is, decided to throw me on my head. Well, it decided it didn’t want me on its back because I wouldn’t let it do what it wanted. It was my fault I fell on my head. That’s what happens when you don’t fall off often, you forget how to do it. Hence, I landed on my face/head/ribs/ shoulder.

Actually, I pretty much just gave the ground a great big bear hug at speed. Oh, and managed to punch myself in the face in the process. Just because falling off wasn’t bad enough.

Not even pea protein can fix this spacey mood.

It is also raining. Again. For the second week in a row. I blame the rain for me falling off in the first place. It rains: can’t ride. It rains some more: still can’t ride. Horse gets a little full of energy and I don’t have the same level of energy to keep my body on top of said horse.

It needs to stop raining.

I’m switching banks. I also brought a new phone. Too many changes all at once. I’m not a change person. I’m also selling a lot of horse gear. More change.

Hence: entirely unsure of how I feel right now.

I think I have a disorder of some type. Actually, I’m positive. Everyone seems to have a disorder of some kind now-a-days. I also didn’t get asked for ID at two separate supermarkets over the weekend. This makes me feel incredibly depressed.

We have now arrived at the time of year (winter in New Zealand) when getting out of a bed is a serious achievement. So, I plan on booking myself in for an appointment with the cranial guy to fix the head, and then devouring one of my 11 frozen meals (homemade) I have stock pilled so I don’t have to function as a useful human after the hour of 5.30pm. Then, I shall snuggle with my hot water bottle and watch random crap on my laptop and sulk about the rain.

Then sleep.

Sleeping makes it all better.

P.s, I’m actually in a good mood, but my head hurts, so for some reason, the only thing I seem to be able to write is depressing/ whinging. I do apologise.

 

An adult day

Today was a day I didn’t want to be an adult… then I realised because I was an adult I could choose between mix veggies and spinach. I chose the spinach. It was a mince dish and I didn’t want mix vegetables. I was over today by 2pm. Oh how I watched that clock. The worst part was the fact no matter how fast I willed the clock to go, it didn’t get the work done any faster. By the time I was out the door, across the road, in the car, and down the street, into the supermarket, and wandering around like I was blazed… I was glad no one got in my way. Perhaps it was because like my day, my body was on slow motion, and fellow supermarket shoppers don’t seem to be as annoying when you’re in slow motion. 

Luckily no one hit the back of my car, there were several close calls. That would have topped it off nicely. I feel bad because I yelled at my horse again. He just really wanted to push those buttons. I felt bad though because I actually hadn’t taught him to do the thing I was asking, so he had no idea. Poor boy just stopped and stood there looking at me. After a few (as in about 5 minutes) of deep breaths and patting him, we actually managed to get what I was asking… and with less I want to kill you’s muttered under my breath. 

So, here I am, tucked up in my warm bed, after a hot shower, and I have a cup of tea and goats feta with crackers. That is how you end a bad day as an adult. 

If I wasn’t meant to be detoxing… this one would nearly have called for that random bottle of unopened port I found in my car. But it has not quite reached that level of awful. 

Tomorrow, let’s be friends. 

Young gun list

As I stared at the rice in my pantry, wondering if I would be able to add it to my smoothie, I realised a very important piece wisdom. It doesn’t matter how old I feel, or how ‘mature’ I seem to have become, or how much ‘faster’ I’ve grown up than most people my age… I am still very much young. 

I though, due to my tired brain, I would just make a list of the reasons that still make me feel young and crazy at heart (I seriously take my hat off to all working, single mothers. My mind baffles at how they manage it):

1) A smoothie is a perfectly acceptable dinner, a – because I have very little that can be made into my meal because I opted to go out for desert rather than grocery shopping properly and b- because the idea of actually cooking something frightened me. 

2) I still get scared of the dark. As much as I love my alone time… I really do hate being completely alone outside in the dark. 

3) I quite often forget I have two horses. After about a week I suddenly realise I actually have another one I’m meant to be looking after. If I had children now, I feel as though this would happen on a regular basis, and I think leaving your children in a paddock for prolonged periods of time with no supervision is frowned upon in society.

4) When tired, I become this sort of monster human hybrid that wants to have laser vision to zap away pestering people. As it is, all I have to do is get myself to bed, away from the world, and I recover. That alone can be hard enough.

5) I don’t understand the concept of a ‘tidy car’. I mean, the work car, definitely. My own car… where else will I keep all the strange yet handy things that I can’t find a place for in my room?

6) The floor works quite well as a closet when you run out of time. I don’t even need to justify this one. It just makes logical sense in my brain.

I don’t think these things will ever really change. But for now they knowledge that I am still young and my skin still bounces back when I frown for long periods of time reassures me. Ageing I’m fine with… growing up, still not too sure about.

I think it’s nap time now. 

On a high note

The next sick person to cross my path is going to be avoided (and glared at)… I am over being sick. First it was the cold, which never seemed to end, then when it finally did my partner passed on a lovely tummy bug. Admittedly it is going around everywhere so I can’t really blame him. My immune system was doing so well, it just didn’t really have a chance this time.

The only good thing about being sick is I slip into this weird sort of out-of-body state. The kind of feeling I imagine people get when they are high… actually, it is quite possibly the codeine I am taking in order to stay up right at my desk… either way, it is a very weird feeling, and it makes me smile. Unfortunately it is not a very productive feeling, but it does relieve stress. Having had to take my first sick day yesterday due to the whole not being able to move, sit up right, or talk for more than 10 mins without wanting to curl into a little ball, wondering if that is what death feels like, I feel somewhat well rested. Sick none the less, but rested. I slept for 10 hours last night, and most of the day too, which being perfectly honest was one hell of a relief. Sleep is this precious thing that is not to be thrown away on a whim. 

Yes, this is coming from the person who prior to working full time, did not value sleep. I believe that this is now punishment for my lack of love for it over the years. 

So on that weird and waftly note I shall stop rambling and continue attempting to do some sort of work…