Life can be daunting at times. Actually scrap that, it’s pretty bloody scary. For some reason climbing mountains in a country I don’t speak the language of or backpacking alone around Vietnam seemed easier than just taking life head on here in a country I know people, in a life that really is quite straightforward. But it’s not. Life is never straightforward. There are all these twists and turns which leave me cleaning cat pee off my bed in the middle of the night and attempting to keep a pot plant alive. Exercise seems like a lot of fun till you wake up the next morning with a butt so sore walking to the kitchen is hard enough. There’s also that fear when I pick up the phone to call someone important, something really stupid might just come out instead of the comprehensive words in your head. I have healthy chocolate though, so life is under control.
Living back in Tauranga is incredibly strange, it’s like stepping back into the same world I left but everything is different. That makes no sense. My brain is tired. It worked for an hour today on communications stuff for the first time since I left the country and it is letting me know it needs a warm up before I leap back into it. Well, that and I can’t say I’ve been all that fair on letting it adjust to life since getting back…but I’ve aced a bridal shower, attended a hens night, kept my new pot plant alive for an entire five days, conquered my first hour of contract work with no mishaps, and my cat comes back once a day for a pat, oh and I’ve started running!
Life is good.
I’ve also started going back to church, something I’ve long since stopped doing and it feels like a little slice of home in the chaos I feel my life can become at times. I’m the sort of person that when life is spinning madly around me I need something to ground me, I find just one thing where I can just be there and it all stops spinning for a moment and I take a breath, and step back into it.
I’m already starting to get a list together for my new years resolutions. So far it looks like I’m going to be doing a lot of running, a decent amount of walking up mountains, and I best get my thinking hat on to learn some French.
I still have a way to go in terms of finding where I fit, but I feel like I can start to breath again. I’m yet to refer to Alex as my ex but I’ll get there and I so far have had more good days than bad and that I can say is down to amazing people and pets and the pot plant. And my bed, that thing is possibly the most incredible part of the day.
I want life to be full, full of love, laughter, hope, and energy. I don’t want to go through it wishing I’d changed this or that. Shit happens. But I have all these incredible things I can do and to access it just takes a bit of focus and hard work. I’ll get there. It’s just like climbing a mountain really, one step after another with a few pauses when things get really hard, and eventually you’re going to get to the top. I think though, the thing people forget about mountains is the view isn’t always amazing, sometimes there’s cloud, sometimes you’re in a forest, sometimes there’s just the same thing you saw last time. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less incredible what you’ve achieved or the fact it’s set you up to climb bigger and better mountains, and it doesn’t mean there aren’t incredible things down below. Sometimes, you just can’t see the whole picture from where you’re standing.
Life is scary, but regardless of how fast my heartbeats I’m ok with it all, and I back myself to make it through. I’ve got mountains (literally) to climb and things to accomplish. And when things start to get me down my response is: “Nopity, nope nope, nope. NOPE!”
So on that note, which I hope made some sense and I don’t sound like a crazy person rambling about my wayward life at 22, I’m off to get a bridesmaid dress fitted and catch up with another friend.