The next little steps

Breakups aren’t fun. Even amicable breakups make you want to punch someone in the face at times. And it’s hard not to wallow in self pity singing “I will be forever alone” through tears. But I won’t be forever alone. I have a cat. And people think I’m joking when I say that but really, he’s quite a cool cat. Though, there’s always the chance he’ll run away. Then I have the horse, and she’s in a paddock, so she can’t actually escape. Even if she does she can’t go far because I FEED HER! *insert evil controlling laugh here*.

Today is the day I move my furniture. I’ve never really been in this point in a relationship before so I have no idea exactly how I should be feeling about it. Most of the time I’m just really happy I get my super comfy bed back to myself because I plan on spending a great deal of amazing sleeping in that thing. So I have a small amount of part time work with a pretty cool new company called Dynamic Media in Hamilton and I have a nice little to do list for YouthNet to start things rolling for that. Life appears for the most part to be on the right track. There’s still of course figuring out what I’m actually doing with it come new year…but for now I think I’ll just focus on the fact I can get a tan and ride my horse on the weekend. Once my tailbone is better of course, but for now I’ll just dream about galloping up hills while I go for runs on the beach. Yep, that’s right, I get to live by the beach for a while!

I’ve started to write a ‘single person to do list’, it’s sort of all those funny little things I’ve never done because I’ve been in a relationship since I was 17. And now at 22 and going grey, I feel it’s time I started completing some of them. Once I’ve got past number one I might add it here for you all to laugh at.

Life is under control in between the strange fits of sobbing, the angry laughing (I do hysterical laughing when I get really upset, seems to improve the situation though), the smiling and loving life, and the feeling of OH MY GOSH WHAT THE HELL AM I ACTUALLY GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW?! That last one seems to be the most prominent.

I’ll get there. I’ll figure it out. I always do. In the midst of my weirdness and feeling like my life has just sort of unraveled at my feet, I do know things will be just fine, life is going to be great. And when I get really down I just think about all the times I stood at the top of the Alps in Austria and screamed “I’M ALIVE, I’M FREAKING ALIVE!” And for all of you who know how often I fall off things…that’s actually quite a shock. So, I have an entire life to be grateful for and amazing people in it to enjoy it with.

Hello summer…I think this year we’re going to be friends.


White wash

My computer hates me. It just plots against me, waiting for a moment of weakness, then it strikes. Normally at the end of the day, and almost always when processing photos. I don’t like processing photos any more.

I did this weird thing this morning, it’s call ‘getting up ridiculously early’, I mean 5.40am early. Yes I know, why? My body didn’t get the memo that daylight savings had ended. As a result, I’ve been waking up an hour early. I thought, seeing as I am awake, I might as well actually get up and go ride my horse before work. Apparently my body just wanted to be awake, it didn’t actually want to do anything at that time. I now have a vice like headache and strange vision, kind of like someone went a bit crazy with the brighten tool on a photograph. I’m pretty sure this isn’t a good thing… but that’s ok. 

I am actually glad I got up early, I can now drag my poor, tired brain home – I was going to do grocery shopping, but I think that might be a bit much for it – see my other horse, then curl up in bed for some good old program watching. Nothing could sound more inviting with a headache and clouds outside! 

I actually came on here to be all deep and talk about quotes and secrets and what not… but there is a limit to my depth and seriousness when in pain… my sarcastic side sort of runs rampant over my body. I therefore may just wait until inspiration strikes me and I feel the need to let you all know.

Bye for now.

Random list of me

I haven’t had a ‘group’ of friends for quite some time now. I have friends, who are in small groups or I’m friends with one person in a large group. But I have discovered that once a friend group reaches more than four people I get very confused, leading to almost guaranteed total embarrassment. I thought on that note I’d compile a list, don’t really know what of, just sort of things about myself and the lessons I’ve learnt over the last year, and in the last week.

  • I am far too aware of what people think. Actually, I don’t know if it’s awareness or paranoia, possibly the latter. I find I am often looking at myself as a third party thinking “What the hell is that girl on about, seriously, stop, now.” The thoughts in my head always seem much better when they’re still in there.
  • I really hate cold sores. I hardly ever get these, but every now and then one just pops on up. Of course I like to laugh, talk and smile a lot, meaning my lip just ends up bleeding and it is positively terrible. And it ALWAYS happens at the most inconvenient times.
  • Work takes up an awful lot of time. 
  • I don’t have a fear of missing out, I have a fear of becoming an old cat, horse and every other animal under the sun woman, with no friends, babbling to myself about the weather and why no one ever comes to visit me. While yelling at small children to get off the side walk. 
  • When I get tired I loose the ability to talk. I can make words happen, their meaning and logical sequence sort of fails miserably.
  • I actually hate being late. Yes, go ahead and laugh all of those who know how many times I have been late in my life. It now, I don’t know if this is recent or always been there undiscovered, makes me incredibly nervous. Groups are almost always late to things. I struggle with that.
  • I like to sleep. Other people like to go out late an do things. I will never understand how my younger self and everyone else in the world can cope with less than eight hours sleep. I don’t know how to feel when they look better than me on four hours sleep. Part of me is still bewildered.
  • If someone doesn’t like my horse I cannot be friends with them. This is just a simple fact. I just don’t like you if you don’t like my horse. I just get this deep feeling of ‘if you do not like my horse, you are not a good person’. I don’t know why, because sometimes even I don’t like my horse. Good thing most people do like my horse(s).
  • When people laugh at my jokes I laugh too. Not because I thought what I said was funny, but because it’s funny other people think it was funny. 
  • I’m quite quiet. Not because I’m shy, but because all I can think to talk about is how much the weather is annoying me, my horse, work, sleep, and the other strange and odd facts that pop into my mind that I am sure most people do not want to know. I just plain suck at small talk.
  • I struggle not to interview someone. It gets to the point people stop talking to me. I don’t mean to, it’s now just how I communicate. I also get very stuck trying to think of how to answer the most basic questions like: “How are you?” Do you want the honest answer of: 
    “I’m very tired, want to sleep, and my current ‘why’ of the day.” Or do you want the basic “good”. While debating with myself about this, I leave a very long and awkward silence.
  • I have a tendency to spill or choke on any kind of liquid near me. It just happens to people like me. I also am a magnet for flying objects, they aim for my head and rarely miss.

That pretty much completes my list. 

Ta Daaaaaa!


A spidery tale

Life has become weird again. It began when I encountered a big black spider about a week ago. Granted it was on a horse cover that had been lying around for several days, exposed to the spider population. I did not scream. I simply continued on, removed said spider and was very proud of myself. A couple of days later I encountered another one, I can’t quite remember where but again, withheld scream. This seemed to continue for several days. Then it just got worse. Three (smallish) brown spiders appeared at different times during the day on me. On my person. Three, all in one day. The following day a big black one appeared on my riding boot. While I was holding it my hand, as I was just about to inspect the insides for that very creature. This is a job I normally make my boyfriend do. But I was feeling brave. I shouldn’t have given my recent haunting of the spiders. I screamed this time. And threw the boot. Then killed the spider. My boyfriend was not impressed as he ran in to find I was alive, well and I had not fallen to my doom. His words were “Oh! It was only a spider.” It was NOT ONLY as SPIDER. It was big, it was black and it was about the sixth one in a week. The next day I found a really big brown one on my float, it had fangs I could see.

I mean, it was just getting ridiculous. Then tonight, alone, watching private practice, alone, a big, big, the biggest one yet, appeared on my ceiling. I fly sprayed it, and sprayed some more, and some more and the blasted things just would not die! I scooped it onto a piece of paper and flushed it down the loo. I will now wait until tomorrow before using that toilet. 

My fear of spiders is rational. It is not dreamt up and it is not simply ‘because they’re scary’. I loved spiders. Until I picked up a very big one, around the size of my small 10 year old hand, and took it to show mummy. It didn’t want to go see mummy so it bit me. And my figure got all red and puffy and sore. So, I don’t like spiders. At all. 

Now, other than my spider haunting lately which, quite frankly I am over, my cat (the one that lives with Alex) thought all through the weekend that 7am was the perfect time to wake up sleeping owners. Every single morning at 7am on the dot. So I’m tired. 

I also just found out that a position is opening up at the paper I desperately wanted to work at, at the start of the year. Of course I already have my perfect job at a different paper. But I am currently frolicking in the irony of it all. Frolicking in the most delightfully delusional way. Oh, and my horse is currently visiting a boy horse in order to make a baby horse. Though, she doesn’t want a bar of him. She likes the boy who has no balls. I sigh at the irony and stare sadly at my nearly 20 year old face in the mirror and wonder when on earth it started looking so tired. 

I’d ask why but I lack the energy.

As I prepare to celebrate my 20th year breathing and being alive I thought to myself, ‘how will I celebrate the end of this course?’ My answer: sleep for at least 24 hours straight. When did I get so boring?

Jack of all trades

I am fast learning it is good to be good at everything, or at least as many things as humanly possible. Wandering around the supermarket today (Pak n Save is renovating) and I saw a sign ‘baristas in training’. “Oh yeah” I thought, “cool”.

While standing in the veggie isle, somewhere between the tomato’s and the cabbage I realised what I had just witnessed. Baristas in training, in a supermarket. I stopped for a moment, the guy with a lazy eye behind nearly collected me with his overly large shopping cart. “Wait, why on earth would there be baristas in training, in a supermarket?” I thought to myself. 

They were in fact putting in a little coffee section, right at the start. Perhaps for frazzled mothers who need coffee to move around the supermarket a little quicker with those painfully oblivious children who think it is ok to stand in the middle of the isle. Or maybe it is for the just painfully carefree people who think everyone has all day to do their shopping, proceeding down the isle at a wander, right-in-the-middle-of-it. It could possibly be for those coffee addicts who can’t manage a trip around the supermarket without one? 

For the life of me, I can not figure out who would be able to juggle coffee, a handbag, a trolley, while grabbing groceries and avoiding frustrating shoppers. I want to meet those people because they are supermen, and women – super people. 

It made me stop and think, once again. Does that mean anyone who works at Pak n Save will have to also be a barista? 

Jobs are not simple anymore. The more you know about things that don’t appear to have any relevance, the more likely you are to get the job it seems. So, while I have nightmares about spilt coffee on the supermarket floor and trolley crashes and small children running rampant, I may also consider doing late night or very early morning shopping. I mean, if there is coffee, why not? 

Guard goose and vampires

Today they took my blood. It really hurt. It still really hurts. I then proceeded to snap at the lady who didn’t understand why I was returning a call I had been asked to return. I told her, in a very simple manner, why I was calling back and the information I was asked to give. If they have to take more of my blood because of her incompetence I will be mad. Very mad.

Today has been an interesting day. My class mates have established I am playing with fire when it comes to crash guy… well yea. Though I am staring down the barrel of the gun knowing the trigger will never be pulled. So really, I’m just playing with matches. That was too cryptic. I think my brain is still feeling the effects of losing 9 vials of its blood. I don’t like blood tests.

Either way, it looks like the tale of crash guy may be over. It often takes people a while (some not so long) to realise I am stubborn, only do things if they right or my boss says or I want to. If it’s work, always as my boss says… anything else in life – that’s on my terms. Not because I’m pig-headed, though I am, but because I do not believe there is any reason to do things that are running you into the ground and destroying your soul. I don’t really let people control how I feel and that seems to frustrate guys. Seemingly, particularly crash guy.

On the other hand, my boyfriend wants a pet ‘guard’ goose. I am considering this is where I draw the line at tolerance (seeing as he wont let me get a small dog) and crash guy might get what he’s after anyway. That is if he starts talking to me again. Perhaps I should learn to be less blunt. No, probably won’t. The editor in residence told me there wasn’t much a of line between what I thought and what I wrote… he’d be right. I should probably do something about that too.

So, if I do keep the boyfriend it will be without a goose.

And I really don’t like giving away my blood.

Lonely habits

I am a creature of habit. Unfortunately, or perhaps not so unfortunately, I pick up certain habits from people I talk to a lot, or spend time with. Normally they are the thing’s a I either hate or notice because they annoy me. Then, just like that, I take them on. It drives me nutty.

According to my mother I have charisma, oh course because mum has to say nice things to me I try not to be overly happy about this compliment. But I like to think I do either way. I don’t know if the habits that make me, me are learnt or if they are in fact me. One thing is for certain I have not changed much since I was a small kid. I’ve just become a bigger and much more vibrant version of it.

It makes me wonder though, how many things we never notice about ourselves? Other than the annoying things we don’t want to notice, I mean the good things that we simply have no understanding of. The things that make other people smile and take their breath away. I have always wanted to spend a day in someone else’s shoes, just figuring out what makes me tick. I don’t even know what makes me tick. Perhaps that is the magic though.

You meet someone and their magic works with yours, like these amazing electric sparks going off around you and you just have no idea. Those ‘I totally get what you mean!’ moments when you suddenly realize you’re actually not alone in all your madness. 

This just really sweeps me off my feet in amazement. How complex we are as human beings. 

Alone time does this to me, thinking. I like it though, when I’m happy thinking. I have narrowed down my urge to bake and decided I will attempt doughnuts tomorrow. I have also decided to start running in the morning. That probably wont happen, like cutting my hair short, but hey, the thought counts right? 

P.s I have forgiven my new hair dresser, I think I like the way it is now. It curls!

Here’s how feelings go

It’s strange. Well, I am strange. People are strange. I’ve been struggling. Of course. We all have been I think. We being the people I actually talk to about feelings… so pretty much the people who live with me and of course my boyfriend. Anyway; I was chatting to Melissa today in the car about being competitive and it got me thinking. Yes- thinking.

Feelings are strange things. As human beings we quite like to accredit these feelings to someone else. Blame them for ‘making’ us feel this way. We’re good at it. Even ruin friendships because of it. At the end of the day though we are responsible for our own feelings.

Yes. I am thinking in a grown up manner. Shocking I know. But at the end of the day, it is really hard to talk about how I feel. I mean I haven’t even set foot inside a councilors office.  Ever. Don’t get me wrong, I admire people who can. Just the thought of booking in a time to actually tell someone, lay it out for someone, how I feel. That just sends me running.

I certainly hope I am not the only one who feels like this. Either way. I think for me, it’s time to be a grown up and suck it up and damn well talk to my friends. It’s hard. Really, really hard. But I’m getting there ok. Working on it slowly.

Back me up now. 

Here goes.

Dream in the leaky house

I had a strange dream last night. I don’t really know what it was about now. I hate the way dreams do that, you wake up feeling gob smacked and then 1/2 an hour later it’s gone. Poof. Anyway. All I remember from this dream is we built a house, me and my sister. We didn’t get dad to build it (he has a building company) because he was ‘too busy’. I suppose that was a positive?

The builder we had build the house was a lovely man who rode a horse through the gorse to a caravan he lived in while he was building it. Just one man. It was a beautiful house and I was so over joyed with it. There was so much light!

Then it rained. I’d like to say it rained on my parade… but I think it was more a sour dumping of waste water on my parade type happening. There were missing parts of the roof and one of my 3 beds got wet! I was beside myself with regret and asked him to come back and fix it.

Of course he did and then I woke up.

It was a bazaar dream indeed.

Maybe it is a sign…

Or perhaps my brain is a little damaged from the work it’s had to do.

Oh my mind…

I AM BACK! Ah, weekend away. Don’t know how much it helped with the whole being tired thing but it was nice to be away. Last show ever for my horse I have now, which is really sad. It’s been 4 years since she started and every year we have done the same thing. We’re a team. So that is a closing of one book. I hope it’s not the end of many others but for her part in the story, for now, it is.

Now, we’re onto the next phase of life! Working on my degree to actually succeed in life. It’s not easy, but I shall do it.

It’s hard though. The demand to constantly deliver. I like it. But I also hate it. Not so much because of the pressure, but because it never stops. The not trusting, the constant competition, the having to always look for a story.

I should be used to it. I’m a horse rider. Constant demand never stops. But for some reason this is different. I have adjusted but I don’t think I will ever be completely used to it.

Discovery of what kind of writer I’m going to be excites me. The prospect of finding out what I can actually do is exhilarating.

Oh I desperately want to be sleeping! But that’s ok. I’m realizing I am really quite good at not getting sleep. It is raining finally, the grass will we growing! The ground is no longer concrete and it makes me feel all sunggly like I can curl up and get work done. That’s a nice feeling!

Anyway, I am now feeling really dizzy and it’s sort of like being in a weird motion film… so maybe I should go home and sleep, then work. In fear of what I could turn into if I continue in this strange out of sorts kind of way!