Happy New Year

It’s really hot here. Like, I am sitting with my fan less than 30 cm from my face, I have every window and door open in the house, and I have used a scarf as a skirt because all my other clothing sticks to me.

Welcome to summer.
Welcome, to to 2015.

So I took a little break there, I resisted all urges to write since the start of my holiday, I turned off my phone for eight days, and I have resisted the urge to rewrite a badly written book I read, and finished reading because I had nothing else to do while sunbathing.

I have managed to sunburn my skin to the point I don’t know if it will recover (damn you New Zealand sun) and I have cuts up my arms and down my legs that make me look as though I was in a fight with a cat…or two, possible a whole bunch actually. (I helped pick up hay bales, and I didn’t listen when they said wear long pants)

This year was meant to be all about ‘new beginnings’ ‘being happy’ ‘relaxing’ ‘having a life’.

Then I realised I live in the real world so instead of doing the whole ‘New Year resolution’ thing, I thought I would take a slightly different approach.

I do a lot of interviewing, as you all know, but I rarely talk about myself to new people. To the people I know, I probably talk far too much and please forgive me for that, but it’s not probably going to change.

Anyway, when I have someone ask me questions about myself I panic. I’m not sure why, but I think, from my incredibly in-depth 2 minutes of thinking about it since starting this blog, I just don’t really know who I am.

Oh yes I know… I’m one of ‘those’ people. I do know who I am, just not in a detailed kind of way.

Questions like ‘what’s your favourite food’ freak me out. I DON’T EVEN KNOW MAN! I feel like I should say pizza or pasta or ice cream, you know, something normal. BUT I CAN’T EAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS AND I DON’T REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT HALF HOUR EXPLAINING TO SOMEONE ALL MY COMPLICATED HEALTH ISSUES! I could say ‘salad’ or ‘fruit’ which are actually really yummy because I’m a badass food maker, but then you get this look that people give you when you’re thin and like healthy food. And I’m not often in the mood for that look, and I fear I may inflict bodily harm on someone if I see that look on their face when I’ve already dealt with a grumpy lady on the phone because ‘SHE’S NOT GETTING THE PAPER IN HER LETTER BOX EVERY WEEK!’

You see what I mean?

I’m either a ‘you’re going to know EVERYTHING about me, or nothing.’ Normally, for the sake of those talking to me, I stick with the nothing. They have no idea how lucky they are when they walk away.

Anyway, this whole thought process got me thinking about how I would describe myself if I could just open my mouth and speak without scaring, permanently damaging someone emotionally, or walking away knowing they think I’m a total weirdo.

Because you’re all reading this from your computer and nowhere near me…I’m going to lay it all out there.

This, is how I would describe myself:

I’m bad with computers. I really don’t like using my phone for anything other than FB and calls. I’m bad at replying to texts, I hate people asking questions I don’t know the answers to. I want to run away at some point to a surprising country for a few months because I refuse to live a cliche life. I and pig headed, kind hearted, tolerant until I’m not. I hate pigs and monkeys. I really don’t like summer because it’s hot and sticky. I don’t like the middle of winter because my hands don’t work properly. I have a tendency to be positive and negative all at the same time. I’m very pessimistic until I’m ridiculously optimistic. I often come up with strange ideas and have a complete satisfaction with my life the way it is right now. I like to horde things and sell things. When I say I have no money I do have money, I just no intention of spending that money. I own mainly high heals, I have one pair of flat shoes I wear on weekends, all other flat shoes are riding boots or gumboots. I still don’t live with my boyfriend after three years and that’s my choice and our decision, I struggle with children, when I say I’m busy after work…I normally mean I have a date with food and a TV show while tucked up in bed at 7pm. Still have no idea what I want to do with my life though I do have many options, I also ride horses…(this is where they look at me with either a ‘oh that’s sweet’ or a ‘you’re crazy aren’t you’ look, for the brave ones they give me a ‘that’s not really a sport’ look).

Nothing overly different. But for some reason, I struggle ‘letting people in’.

No, my aim for this year is not to ‘improve’ this or ‘work harder to make more friends’.

It’s this: Be unapologetically me. Do as many exciting things as I can while also being satisfied with spending five nights a week doing nothing but sitting in bed with food. Listen to my gut. And most of all, don’t just survive this year, but live it. See an opportunity, and take it.

Last year was one of the most challenging of my life. I won’t go back over it because most of you would have read through it with me. I’m content now, I am really happy with where I am right now. I didn’t realise that until I sat down to write this blog. Satisfaction to me is happiness. It is a deep sense of peace that right now, it’s all good. Last year taught me I can endure far more than I thought I could, I’m stronger, wiser, more compassionate now. But I’m also better at knowing when it’s time to put my foot down and doing just that.

So here is to a great year ahead, as hard as it may be or as challenging as it gets, it’s all another step in the direction my life is heading in (not entirely sure which direction that is, but at least we’re heading somewhere).

Happy New Year everyone!


Break, here I come.

There are very few things better than climbing into a quality bed with fresh sheets and the fan going on a warm summers night. Especially when following a rather roller coaster week. This week is probably a very good metaphor for this entire year; the wins are constantly battling the losses and the pendulum of life keeps on going regardless of what happens between each tock.

That was deep.

Getting back to light hearted. This past week, I managed to get myself run off the road in the work car (not my fault) punctured the tyre, then the wheel bearing went. I also ‘disappointed’ a comms person. I seem to be very good at doing that. I also washed both my cars, kind of worked on my tan, managed a whole day with very little make up and lounging in bed (much needed!). I even watered the garden.

Oh and I sold my horse (Pip).

There are less than 10 working days between me and a holiday, and I am imagining myself in a slow motion movie scene, just a few more steps away from the finish line.

I have 10 days to get through and I can say I have survived one of the most challenging years of my life. It certainly wasn’t the worst, it probably wasn’t the hardest, but I have faced hurdles at times I felt like I was about to run straight at them, and then meet the ground with my face.

I can’t say I didn’t do that a few times. Sometimes I just stayed down there for a while, other times I managed to catch myself just before the fall, and most of the time I made it over.

I bought a horse, I sold a horse (the same one), and man am I glad I had that horse. Every difficult time in my life I have had a horse by my side, I’m not too sure how I would have made it through most days without one. I still have Ivy, but it will be the first time in 12 years that I have not had a horse to ride. I have three months to wait before I can jump back on her…but I need a break. I think at every point in your life you come to a stage where you just have to stop what has become the norm, what has become a crutch, and take a step toward the next ‘thing’.

There is this sad and scared feeling selling Pip, but at the same time it is excitement that I finally had the courage to take a step back and focus on me…who I am…and what my next step is in life. I can no longer identify myself as a ‘horse rider’ and to some degree that is freeing, it gives me a chance to explore what else I can be.

I lost a loved one. Watching granddad go slowly has been one of the hardest things I have had to face. And I still feel that loss, but I am healing. It is something everyone must learn to accept at some stage, and no matter how hard it is, it teaches you things about yourself you never thought you’d learn.

I understand the concept of ‘stopping’, I understand how important it is to reach out to someone in pain, I get what it’s like to be alone and how alone alone feels, I understand how people have mental breakdowns, I understand what it’s like to feel everything at once.

I started my first job. Wow, talk about jumping in the deep end. But I love it. I love every moment of the ‘pull my hair out imagine myself on a beach far away and not wanting to strangle that person’ madness that it can be. I understand why I chose this career; it is part of me. It is everything, it is how I define myself now. I might have been in tears, in fits of insanity laughter, glaring at my computer screen, drinking wine to ignore the burning need to tell someone what I think of them, the not drinking alcohol in fear I will, falling into bed convinced I may never get up again, but I wouldn’t change it.

I moved house. In amongst the madness I moved house, not just any move, but a move to live with my sister, and every moment since I have been thankful I made that decision. It has shown me I am finally getting the hang of listening to myself. It is hard to move for me, home is what keeps me stable, it is my centre where I can come back to when it’s all spinning out of control. So moving is big. But this has been a good one, and I am looking forward to the future.

I faced my past. It might not seem like a big thing to most people, but I have a delayed shock reaction to most emotionally threatening situations. If my mind doesn’t think I can cope with the sheer volume of emotion coming my way, it shuts it out and waits until I am in a place I can comprehend it. For me, Conrad was a part of my life I didn’t think I could ever deal with. But when suddenly he was here, in my city, in the place that had become my safe haven, I had to face some pretty big issues I never knew I had.

It’s moments like these you realise just how incredible the human brain is, how it can just blank things out it doesn’t think you need to remember. At the end of the day, it helped to realise how a health issue began, and how to fix it.

I resolved a long term and controlling health issue.
It’s not every day you get to defy the doctors and fix yourself with natural medicine. Nope, it’s not going to vanish, but it’s not going to even with the doctors medication. But it is pretty much consistently under control and it is no longer the centre of my life.

I ended up with a baby horse...this is the start of a new future with my darling Ivy. She’s been my best friend for the past six years, but our ‘team’ has changed its course and I’ve come to accept I won’t be competing for a while, Mardy is the final point of acceptance in that.

So this year has been a good one, and it’s not over! But it’s so, so close. I have a pretty incredible life, I’ve been on some amazing adventures and had some unforgettable experiences. And it doesn’t stop here.

It’s just another year in a roller coaster life, and I’m getting better at holding on and enjoying the ride.

But a whole summer with the freedom to get out on the weekends, to sunbath, to just take a deep breath and remind myself I am alive, and it’s ok to stop…it sounds like bliss.

Sometimes, I think you just get to a point where you need a break, need to just stop. Long enough to remember why you keep going and why the world is a good place.

A break…deep breath, it’s nearly here.

Winter is on its way and I couldn’t be happier

As everyone around me begins to shed tears of sadness as winter creeps up and summer wanders off into the back of our memory, I cheer a silent yet joyous murmur of excitement. 

I love winter. It is my season. Alex has more time off, rugby season starts, hunting season starts (horse riding hunting, you know how they used to chase foxes on horses with hounds in England…? No, well it’s that but we chase hares in New Zealand due to our lack of foxes), snowboarding begins, I can pile warm snuggly blankets on my bed, the horses smell wonderful and get all bundled up in good rugs, hay gets dragged out, it rains. Best of all though, the shopping. Winter shopping is far more exciting than summer shopping. The clothes are more substantial, the colours all suit me, I can mix and match and play with layers, the boots come out, and I enjoy sitting in an office. 

There is something so romantic about winter I think. It’s like my own little fairytale. The reason I bring this up is because March has hit. Four days in an it is evident that summer has kissed our burnt butts goodbye. The mornings require jackets, the nights demand long pants, and there is this beautiful crisp feeling to the air. 

Winter in Hamilton is even more romantic, the fog hangs low creating the most magic looking cloud carpet across the city. I know, most people hate all the things I’ve listed… I don’t like the cold so much, I just love the feeling that winter brings. Summer is sticky, full on, clothes cost a ridiculous price for something that is see-through and are always in fluro… I don’t look good in fluro. The nights are too long and the beach is too far away, and I cannot stand being in an office on a good summers day when I want to be at the beach. I just find summer stressful. Winter I settle into like a good book or a comfortable old bed. It’s wonderful. 

Winter, I’m waiting. 

Things I’ve learnt over the past year

I really have an odd sense of humor. My father told me he wished he had my sense of humor. I don’t know if he was humoring me or if he really meant it. But it tends to get me to that place where people wonder if I’m mentally challenged, or drunk.

My sense of humor is the only reason I am still sane. It’s been a hard year. The only way to make it through is to have an awfully wayward sense of humor.

Spend at least one hour a day enjoying your own company. If you don’t, you’ll want to strangle all of man kind.

You’re probably going to want to strangle someone at some stage, most weeks.

When I stuff up, I don’t just make a slight mistake or accidentally trip over. If I make a mistake it’s like falling off the sky tower. The image I tend to have is my little car swerving on the free-way and managing to collect every single other car with in a 100 meter radius.

I have no world domination plans. I really don’t. I’m quite happy to work a job I love and do it to the best of my ability, support my partner and enjoy life. I don’t want to be a world leader. What a headache!

When shopping at New World, if you’re on a diet, walk very quickly passed the strategically placed, delicious cakes. Once you take that first bite… you will never escape their hold on you.

I’m actually a good driver. When I’m not a good driver, I’m a spectacularly terrible one. Somewhere in the middle would be a perfect driver. So, I can’t claim perfection on this one.

When meeting new people, it is expected you declare your relationship status before agreeing to coffee.

Don’t take life seriously when you’re young. If you do, it’s going to slowly follow you into a dark world of wrinkles and sweat pants. (neither I am unhappy with though)

My mother looks more like my sister. I don’t know what that is meant to mean for me, or her for that matter.

The magazine world is either amazingly glitzy or very roll your sleeves up and file those papers. When working at a magazine, expect a sore neck.

Auckland is a pretty, lovely, kind and exciting city. I don’t know why people don’t like it, they clearly have either only visited Manukau or they’ve never been here.

Summer is a sad time of year. It is designed only for those with the love of sand and sea, those who like the heat and people who get invited to parties or throw parties, or have friends for that matter. I have some, they’re just spread over a wide area.

Winter is nice in Hamilton and Hamilton is a much nicer city than Tauranga. People there smile, are helpful and the layout is far easier. But Tauranga has the beach. Again, for those who love summer.

I can only wear heals. This is not because I am somehow amazingly coordinated, it is because my feet simply do not look good in anything else. They actually only rarely look good. When they do it is because I found the perfect pair of shoes to hide them in.

Take things as they come. This is the only way you will get through third year alive and sane.

I’m alive, I’m not 100 on the sane part.



It’s nearly that time of year

I got out the razor and attacked my legs today. Well, not quite, I attacked the forest that was growing on my legs. It’s that time of year again, the weather is getting – at times – noticeably warmer, birds are chirping and the beach is calling me. I don’t much like the beach, or summer. But I like the idea of liking them. I like preparing for the months of bodily exposure I am about to endure as I pull out that sad looking bikini, desperately try to turn the snow like legs into a crisp, baked chocolate cake and trim down the extra parts of myself that have made home on my tummy. Of course, most years I have the next three months off. I probably will this year. The thing is, in past years, I haven’t had to feel guilty. This year, if I have no job, I’m going to feel a little useless.

I’m a doer, I’ve got to do something.

I have many plans. Most involve relocating to a nice one room house by the beach or if I am broke, which is likely, I will move home. This has many complications of its own. After living away from home for nearly three years the idea of having to think of other people before I do anything, find a new routine and not be able to have things a little bit my way is somewhat horrifying. Not that I don’t like the company of my family, I do, I just like to visit them. I like freedom, sort of selfish, uncaring freedom. 

Never the less I am avidly dress shopping with hopes I will have the chance to wear them. Planning on cutting my hair in that cute, sexy, beach style I am inclined to at this time of year and even considering going a little blonde again. Though, that probably wont happen. 

Oh what the future holds is yet to be determined. 

Journey of a journalist: Part 3.

Sweat. Oh I really do hate it. Summer, perhaps that is why I hate you too. My shoes slide off. Of course they pick the worst moments to do so, like when trying to walk- head held high, trying to look at grown up- to an interview and off it goes. Just like that it leaps off my foot and hurtles itself toward freedom. I swiftly snatch it back and stomp like a small child beating the spider that just bit them. They are now in check. 

Then of course theres hands. I mean how are you meant to feel confident about shaking someone’s hand if its all gross and sweaty and sticky and just not nice! 

Yes these may seem like insignificant problems but let me assure you, they are of dire importance as a journalist. You must look and act proper at all times… hmm perhaps I am really in the wrong career based on that theory. 

Anyway. So far in my journey I have discovered that; journey has an e, I hate sweat, heat and computers without spell check. 

My tips so far; silence is the best question you can ever use. Seriously, shut up and just wait. People actually hate it. So they talk some more. It’s in these; really awkward feeling like I’m as ridged as a newly cut post, kind’ve like I want to escape whatever strange need to blurt something stupid out moments, that I get my best and most sincere quotes. Yea I did kind’ve steal the idea off someone, however I am claiming the success of its application in my own journalistic adventures. 

Always, and I mean always, have ‘you’ve run out of cleaver things to ask or say, these will save you from looking like a complete tosser’ questions, without fail, they will save you. Every time. 

And of course, the stupid stuff they taught you in school about proof reading? Yea well… do it. Or in my case, just feel like a dumbass because you were too lazy to make sure you spelt suggest correctly when sending an email to the editor in residence. I still probably, will not proofread this.

When you decide to sit and write. Actually do. Don’t stop until everything worth writing down is out of your head and on the page. I meant it.

So while I am far off becoming world famous for something stupid I said or a silly quote I took the wrong way and consequently sued for it but too rich and well known to care, I am learning, and it is actually really fun.

The good time are out weighing the bad and the hectic mad house amount of things I have to get done is looking a little achievable. I will get there. I will have my breakdowns, but I will not stop. I’m better than that.

Bring it on journalism world!

Winter I am missing you

Now I do apologize the earlier soppiness of my last post. BUT I feel as a girl I must write something about love!

Any way, winter is on its way. The mornings are getting colder and the nights are slowly getting shorter and I must say I am excited. I love winter. Love love love it! I like the snuggliness of the blankets on my bed, hot chocolate by the fire (we have one this year!) and the big warm coats you can hide under and catch a quick nap in at the back of the class.

Of course I’m not looking forward to the rain and the miserable mornings I will have to drag myself out of bed for. But I can not wait to kiss goodbye the bone-dry look the earth has lately after its increasing thirst and skin melting heat. I like summer… when I’m on a beach with very few clothes on. I don’t like it when I’m trying to look professional and all I can think about is how much better it would be… minus the clothes.

There is a free and fun, young feeling to summer, but winter is just better. And of course with this being the first year I’ve lived in a house with a fireplace during winter I am over the moon. So good-bye flies, over bearing heat and crispy grass… and hello cold, ice and lip bluing finger numbing winds. I look forward to finally meeting you again.

Oh wait… Autumn still has to come…

Relax? No, you mean go find more houses really.

Ahh, bed. Finally. I am fully aware that it is 1pm and I should be out enjoying the sunshine but heat exhaustion has taken hold of my ever fading energy. Flat hunting is not fun. It is stressful and busy and unbearable difficult. Trying to find a nice house in a nice area for a – poor students can afford – price, is well… a challenge. After many a sleepless night, dizzy spells from lack of stopping and headaches from the stupidly horrible heat that descends on Hamilton every summer. I’m not a summer person at the best of times- heat and me have never been friends, I just do not enjoy being sweaty, slaving away during the heat of the day running around after my horse, having slippery feet in my best pair of shoes or the feeling my brain my explode from my head any second because it’s been in the oven too long. Winter is my season. So now that Hamilton has reached its point of ‘I will bathe you in sweat and flies every day simply because I am an inland city with a river you can’t even swim in!’

So, now that I have finally been able to get to the point I can relax with my fan on full blast under a cool sheet and do nothing other than enjoy a delicious chicken salad and watch pointless TV shows on demand, I think I shall survive the wonderful journey of flatting. After numerous houses that I swear someone was murdered in and a few that you’re sure the neighbors sell something you don’t want to know about… or do if you’re that way inclined, we have finally found a few that may just become home. Wonderful wonderful home. Oh how I welcome the day I can escape my synthetic weed smoking flatmate along with neighbors who may just instigate the first terrorist attack on New Zealand, well no probably not but you get what I mean. This is a place I am welcoming moving from, however, I would not be surprised if it’s out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Oh the joys of student life.

(It’s not really that bad I just enjoy a whinge)