It’s really hot here. Like, I am sitting with my fan less than 30 cm from my face, I have every window and door open in the house, and I have used a scarf as a skirt because all my other clothing sticks to me.
Welcome to summer.
Welcome, to to 2015.
So I took a little break there, I resisted all urges to write since the start of my holiday, I turned off my phone for eight days, and I have resisted the urge to rewrite a badly written book I read, and finished reading because I had nothing else to do while sunbathing.
I have managed to sunburn my skin to the point I don’t know if it will recover (damn you New Zealand sun) and I have cuts up my arms and down my legs that make me look as though I was in a fight with a cat…or two, possible a whole bunch actually. (I helped pick up hay bales, and I didn’t listen when they said wear long pants)
This year was meant to be all about ‘new beginnings’ ‘being happy’ ‘relaxing’ ‘having a life’.
Then I realised I live in the real world so instead of doing the whole ‘New Year resolution’ thing, I thought I would take a slightly different approach.
I do a lot of interviewing, as you all know, but I rarely talk about myself to new people. To the people I know, I probably talk far too much and please forgive me for that, but it’s not probably going to change.
Anyway, when I have someone ask me questions about myself I panic. I’m not sure why, but I think, from my incredibly in-depth 2 minutes of thinking about it since starting this blog, I just don’t really know who I am.
Oh yes I know… I’m one of ‘those’ people. I do know who I am, just not in a detailed kind of way.
Questions like ‘what’s your favourite food’ freak me out. I DON’T EVEN KNOW MAN! I feel like I should say pizza or pasta or ice cream, you know, something normal. BUT I CAN’T EAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS AND I DON’T REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT HALF HOUR EXPLAINING TO SOMEONE ALL MY COMPLICATED HEALTH ISSUES! I could say ‘salad’ or ‘fruit’ which are actually really yummy because I’m a badass food maker, but then you get this look that people give you when you’re thin and like healthy food. And I’m not often in the mood for that look, and I fear I may inflict bodily harm on someone if I see that look on their face when I’ve already dealt with a grumpy lady on the phone because ‘SHE’S NOT GETTING THE PAPER IN HER LETTER BOX EVERY WEEK!’
You see what I mean?
I’m either a ‘you’re going to know EVERYTHING about me, or nothing.’ Normally, for the sake of those talking to me, I stick with the nothing. They have no idea how lucky they are when they walk away.
Anyway, this whole thought process got me thinking about how I would describe myself if I could just open my mouth and speak without scaring, permanently damaging someone emotionally, or walking away knowing they think I’m a total weirdo.
Because you’re all reading this from your computer and nowhere near me…I’m going to lay it all out there.
This, is how I would describe myself:
I’m bad with computers. I really don’t like using my phone for anything other than FB and calls. I’m bad at replying to texts, I hate people asking questions I don’t know the answers to. I want to run away at some point to a surprising country for a few months because I refuse to live a cliche life. I and pig headed, kind hearted, tolerant until I’m not. I hate pigs and monkeys. I really don’t like summer because it’s hot and sticky. I don’t like the middle of winter because my hands don’t work properly. I have a tendency to be positive and negative all at the same time. I’m very pessimistic until I’m ridiculously optimistic. I often come up with strange ideas and have a complete satisfaction with my life the way it is right now. I like to horde things and sell things. When I say I have no money I do have money, I just no intention of spending that money. I own mainly high heals, I have one pair of flat shoes I wear on weekends, all other flat shoes are riding boots or gumboots. I still don’t live with my boyfriend after three years and that’s my choice and our decision, I struggle with children, when I say I’m busy after work…I normally mean I have a date with food and a TV show while tucked up in bed at 7pm. Still have no idea what I want to do with my life though I do have many options, I also ride horses…(this is where they look at me with either a ‘oh that’s sweet’ or a ‘you’re crazy aren’t you’ look, for the brave ones they give me a ‘that’s not really a sport’ look).
Nothing overly different. But for some reason, I struggle ‘letting people in’.
No, my aim for this year is not to ‘improve’ this or ‘work harder to make more friends’.
It’s this: Be unapologetically me. Do as many exciting things as I can while also being satisfied with spending five nights a week doing nothing but sitting in bed with food. Listen to my gut. And most of all, don’t just survive this year, but live it. See an opportunity, and take it.
Last year was one of the most challenging of my life. I won’t go back over it because most of you would have read through it with me. I’m content now, I am really happy with where I am right now. I didn’t realise that until I sat down to write this blog. Satisfaction to me is happiness. It is a deep sense of peace that right now, it’s all good. Last year taught me I can endure far more than I thought I could, I’m stronger, wiser, more compassionate now. But I’m also better at knowing when it’s time to put my foot down and doing just that.
So here is to a great year ahead, as hard as it may be or as challenging as it gets, it’s all another step in the direction my life is heading in (not entirely sure which direction that is, but at least we’re heading somewhere).
Happy New Year everyone!