A walk up struggle street

It think it’s hard to be out of control of your life. There are decision, and then there are things that just sort of happen. And I do believe a lot of that is just the straw you drew. You know when you’re a kid and you had to pick the longest straw in order to get to make the decision? It didn’t matter how much you thought about it or even really your guess…it was simply down to luck. The rest of it, was just making the most of the straw you drew.

Right now my straw is the middle one.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed. I’m not stressed about how much I have on. I’m a busy person, I love that. I had a whole afternoon to myself and I spent it deciding on tattoos and flights to another country…and that’s why I should only have a limited amount of free time!

I’m stressed because of the things out of my control.

My thyroid results were good. I should be very happy with them. But they want to run extra tests. That’s fine, that’s normal. But I think there is never a point in which ‘we want to run extra tests to rule out cancer’ becomes an easy thing to digest. Not at 22. Not ever. Not when you know what that looks like in the long run. Not when you have for the past few years realised the same thing has been said to people who it has become a reality for. And it’s almost impossible to understand the uncontrollable concern that comes with living with a condition that can change so much of your life so quickly…and with very little warning.

I am completely at the mercy of what my body decided to do…

And that at times is incredibly difficult.

I think personally, I’ve come to terms with things like the idea that if it all goes wrong, I might not have a family. I’ve come to terms with many, many things to do with this condition. I’ve thought about quantity verse quality if it becomes a cancerous node. I’ve educated myself best I can and I’ve considered all options from best case to worst case scenario.

And you could say don’t worry until you need to…

But I think preparing yourself for every outcome is wise, because you never really do know.

For me it’s never about myself anymore. It’s about who I’m with, it’s about a future family, it’s about the other persons hopes and dreams for life. And the weight of that, when I have little control over the outcome, is terrifying.

 

In three months I will have no job.

I have absolutely no idea where I am headed next. I have so many ideas and dreams for life and zero idea how to make those happen in a short time frame.

I am terrified on so many different levels of life and the weight of that this week has definitely sunk well into my soul.

Perhaps I’m just a little bit worn down from several years of repetitive bad news. But it’s certainly made me appreciate the moments of sunshine.

There are these little moments, like when the day is sunny and I walk out of the office and it just fills my whole body with warmth. Or days when the sun is setting and I race down to the beach to catch the perfect photo and I feel my toes in the sand and the waves crashing and it just feels like home. Or the times on the mountain snowboarding when it’s just a beautiful day and I look down at how tiny it all seems from so high up. Or moments when I taste a really good coffee or a waiter is super helpful with food I can eat. Or times I just snuggle into my horse and breathe in that musty smell and I feel this little moment of utter peace. There are these moments in life I think I used to miss a lot of the time.

Before the dodgy teachers, before the broken relationships, before the health problems, before cancer got to people I love, before people died, before I missed out on sporting dreams…I don’t think I really understood how beautiful those moments were.

Sometimes I just sit somewhere in town and watch people walk past. Or I buy myself something as simple as a nice face wash. Those things remind me of the good parts, of the really nice parts.

It’s not all bad. And often the big scary things in life seem so big and so scary they take over those little moment of joy.

Jobless and cancer are two pretty scary concepts. And it’s about the only time I ever feel young and ill equipped…because I don’t know how to cope with those.

I’m sure it will work out. I’ll find a good job and the tests will come back as we expect; clear and providing certainty and hope.

But there is always, always in the back of my mind that little ‘well what if they don’t?’

And the worst part about is it is it’s not even just the product of an overactive mind coming up with things to worry about. They are real concerns and real possibilities.

That’s the scary part.

I want so much for life. I want to change so many things in other peoples lives. And I find standstill the most frustrating setting.

But like everything, it’s just a season. And seasons change. Each has it’s own negatives and its positives. I think, after awhile, you just kind of learn to accept that.

Even just learning to accept that sadness and hold on for the ride…that’s a pretty big lesson in itself.

But lately I’ve been taking a walk or two up struggle street.

And you know what, that’s actually ok too.

 

 

This is the story behind the condition

I want to write about something that’s been a huge part of my life for quite some time. It’s ruled my thoughts. It’s messed with my mind. It’s ruined confidence. It’s destroyed me time and time again. But it’s something I’ve never really told the story of start to where we are now. And because it’s a big part of my life, I decided it’s time.

I know it’s not my usual scope for this blog. But this is my only platform currently so just bear with me! 🙂

People think that a health condition starts when you’re diagnosed. But my illness didn’t start the moment those blood tests came back and changed my life. It started long before I even knew there was such a thing as an overactive thyroid.

It began when I was quite young. I was always hot. I hated summer, with a passion. So much so, that I was drawn to friends and people who also hated it. Winter, that’s when my life was good. And that’s how I remember my teenage years.

My skin began to breakout when I was quite young, about 13 I started wanting to wear makeup to look like the other girls who had flawless skin. It wasn’t bad though until I was 16. People who have never had issues with acne think it’s a few pimples that can be popped and go away in a day or two. No. This kind of acne was eruptive, huge painful mountains, big cold sore type pimples, and then there were the little but extremely infected little pussy ones. I would have at least 5-10 of these at a time. That might not sound like a lot…but it was enough that I genuinely would panic about staying at people’s houses overnight, I NEVER took my make up off around people. I HATED my skin. I would stare at the mirror and cry, sometimes scream. I still have my makeup brush I broke when I was so furious that I couldn’t be like everyone else with clear skin. I keep it to remind me just how far I’ve come.

It’s taken me years to be ok with going out in public without makeup now my skin has cleared. I’m 22 this year, and last week was the first time I’d gone out without it because I forgot to put it on, and I didn’t even mind people looking at me. That is a HUGE breakthrough for me. And it makes me cry a little just thinking about how much I hated myself. I don’t think people quite understand the psychological damage bad skin can have.

The reason I mention this, is because it’s how the journey started. I wanted to fix it. So badly I wanted it gone. I went to the doctor and they prescribed me antibiotics. This was the lesser of a lot of different evils. This was at the end of my first year of studying. Like anyone who’s been a student will know, my eating, sleeping, and drinking habits were not what I’d recommend if you want to lead a healthy lifestyle. I think I survived the year on 3-6 hours of sleep a night during the week with excessive amounts on the weekends during the day. My diet was a ‘balance’ of home-cooked meals with a high starch and processed food content and McDonalds. My liquid content was a balance of wine, vodka, and water…in that order.

So that year really didn’t help my skin…or anything for that matter. After three months of antibiotics my skin started to clear. The problem with antibiotics is you can only stay on them for 6 months. So just as soon as it had cleared, it came back once they were stopped. What I noticed though, was even if it was clear it didn’t look nice. I looked tired and pale and worn out.

During that second three months I noticed some changes in my behaviour, but I never picked them up as health related and neither did the people closest to me. I was waking up over and over again during the night, mainly from bad dreams. I was hot all the time. But the one thing I noticed which still scares me to this day, is how quickly psychosis can set in and how easy it is to miss it. It began with the dreams. Then it was the extreme paranoia and desire to avoid all people. But at the same time a desperate need for attention. I don’t like dogs inside…at all…and especially not on the bed. One morning, after a particularly bad night, I was so freaked out when my boyfriend Alex had to leave for milking at 5am, he had to get rusty to come inside and sleep next to me before I would calm down.

I take my hat off to him for dealing with just how insane I was becoming. That’s when I started seeing things. I don’t often talk about it with people I don’t know, but I feel like it’s something people keep too quiet about. If I hadn’t been as persistent as I was with the doctor, I could have spent the rest of my life in a hyper-aware, psychotic state…and no one would have ever known it was purely hormone related. People expect when you ‘see things’ you see them clear as day. It’s not like that at all. For me, it was curtains that would move, things that weren’t there would roll across the floor. Objects in the house would move out of the corner of my eye. I felt with absolute certainty that I was being watched.

I remember one time Alex wanted to go out to a bbq with some of his friends. It was a very reasonable offer. He’d spent all week with me. But I fell apart. I couldn’t cope with being alone in a house at night…or even during the day. But I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing anyone. I was terrified of life. Of absolutely everything. It is a horrific state of mind to be in.

Around the same time I started feeling really sick. My stomach was hurting all the time and I had a long list of symptoms. But I didn’t understand that I a) wasn’t actually crazy and b) that these ‘crazy’ feelings I was having was a symptom of something sinister.

I was tired. My skin was awful. My hair split as the hairdresser cut it. I was tired all the time but I felt like every time I was speaking or moving I was going at a supersonic speed. My heart raced…even now if I can’t feel it beating I’m surprised. I had no energy to concentrate on anything. And I felt like I was drowning in my own life. Like I would be this way forever.

So I went back to the doctor four times in the same year with the same symptoms. She had no idea what was wrong. In frustration, I finally took my mother’s advice and saw a naturopath. She said, go back, and get blood tests done. They came back to show I had an overactive thyroid. I found out much later that I’d also had a low B12 level and low iron throughout my life. Both of these things have their own range of scary and debilitating symptoms. Now I look back, I realise that I must have been one hell of a rational person to have made it through all those symptoms without ending up totally losing my mind.

I take my hat off to my boyfriend, who at the time had only been dating me for 3 months, who stuck by me. Who has been there through it all. And there have been many times I’ve been a really crappy person to deal with and be with.

The doctor put me on beta blockers to slow my heart down and the naturopath gave me a series of herbs and supplements to help with water retention, which I now realise was possibly caused by the lack of B12, and to help calm my system down. I noticed a huge difference. So much so, that I refused medication from the doctors.

This might seem crazy. And it probably was. But the long list of side effects made me shiver. I’d put my body through so much, there was no way that I was going to go down the ‘crazy’ path again. I wouldn’t have coped.

So I put my faith in natural medicine and waited. I was told to cut out dairy and wheat (both which if I eat now cause severe pain…and I realise what I must have been feeling for years and had no idea just how bad it was). My life started to really turn around.

But I still had to manage stress to the point I ran out of things to cut out of my life. I’m a journalist, and by nature, a busy person. I have horses and I like to fill my days up. But I had to learn I have to stop. That didn’t seem to be enough, it was this delicate balancing game and I felt like I was micro-managing my life. My diet slipped and I’d eat wheat a few times a week, but I managed to keep dairy to a minimum.

For two years I was managing things well enough. My thyroid levels returned to as near to normal as I expected with natural treatments and most of the time I felt ok. I would still get obsessive over things and could be irrational at times. I craved attention, often from people I shouldn’t have, and I would sometimes get paranoia. But overall, I was ok. I was managing. I was stressed a lot, and was tired. But I was so much better than I had been, I was happy.

It wasn’t until I ended up in the emergency unit at Thames hospital I realised perhaps I wasn’t ‘managing’ things as well as I could have been. I’d been sick for a few days. Just felt off but then it kept getting worse: sore stomach (foetal position for 24hrs a day kind of sore), climbing fever, racing heart, totally off my food. But then I started vomiting. Everything I ate or drank. I was waking up three – four times a night (and poor Alex was also having to get up to milk at 5am each morning). My skin started to go deathly pale and then my eyes started to turn yellow.

I couldn’t move, I could barely get to the toilet by myself. So Alex called my mother and they took me to the hospital. I didn’t realise just how sick I was until I was pumped full of morphine, codeine, antinausea drugs, and paracetamol, and was still in pain. After three IV bags and finally being able to sleep for a few hours, they sent me home. I later learnt I was most likely suffering a thyroid storm, which can be fatal if not treated. Thankfully, IV fluid is a key part of treating it…but I needed medication to calm my thyroid down. As they never tested my bloods and they never gave me the medication, it took months to return to normal.

The thing with something like a health condition, of any kind, when you get sick it’s not just a few days in bed with the flu…it’s debilitating and it takes everything from you.

Then I began full-time work. It was all fine and well to take a week off from tech, but not with work. So when I started to see symptoms of depression, anxiety and was unable to do anything except work and sleep, I knew I needed to do something. I saw an endocrinologist at the hospital and she prescribed me medication. I was finally at a point where I’d accepted I’d have to have it. Followed by a permanent solution to either remove, or to kill half my thyroid. It’s major. And at my age, it’s a very scary decision to make. There is a homoeopathic clinic across the road from work. I was at a point again where I had nothing to lose. This was my final effort to solve this naturally. After a year of his treatments, my blood tests are totally normal and even the doctors are speechless. The problem with doing what no one thought was possible, is it’s very hard to know what to do next. Because I have a nodule, it’s very possible I will have to have that half of my thyroid removed no matter what my blood tests say, as if it keeps growing, it’s going to cause issues. But it’s important for me to look back on just how far I have come.

I have enough energy to see people after work a few times a week, I can ride my horse and visit my foal three to four times a week, I don’t find work overly tiring, and I’ve returned to my very (most of the time) rational self. Currently, if there is something someone doesn’t like about me…that’s my personality…not my health condition. But I am always on the look out of the key signs to creep back in. It’s a balancing act. It can be scary. It’s hard to deal with.

But I now live a happy life. I know now when I see things move, I’m not crazy, I just need to increase my supplements. I’m totally gluten free and dairy free and sugar is something I avoid as much as I possibly can without making restaurant wait staff go nuts with my order. I try to do yoga three times a week. I get regular massages to help with relaxation. And I make sure I keep in contact with people I enjoy.

I appreciate the people who have stuck by me all this time, and I have a whole new appreciation for people suffering from mental illness. This health condition has taken me on one hell of a journey. But I’ve cover come it so far. I’ve gone from not looking in the mirror after I’ve taken my makeup off to happily walking out of the house without it. I’ve gone from hiding from people to making friends. I’ve gone from being terrified to be home alone to being confident for weeks on end and walking through the house with the lights out. I’ve gone from not thinking I’d be able to have a life to planning a BIG overseas adventure. Even though there is always more to the story, it’s important to appreciate just how far you can make it. Illness doesn’t own me, and it never will.

It’s a huge part of who I am and my life, but a lot of the time I think it’s made me a much better person and it’s changed my life in so many positive ways, even if I had a choice, I don’t think I’d change things.

Little titbits

I have had so many thoughts to put down on here lately, but unfortunately they either slip away when I go to write, or I get so busy I forget about them. But, since I feel like I can’t let them all go totally to waste, I thought I’d jot a few things I’ve noticed about myself, and my life, lately.

– My thyroid is happy! I can’t tell you how happy this makes me to tell you this. I’ve finally reached a point where I think it’s manageable. There is still so much more to the journey, but I think one of the worst things to deny myself is the celebration of making it this far. It’s a whole lot further than I ever imagined, and it sure is 10 times further than what anyone else ever expected.

– People have often told me hindsight is a wonderful thing. What I have come to realise lately is no one can see the future. It’s easy to look at someone who’s ‘made it’…but the reality is they had no idea they were ‘making it’ when they were. They didn’t know when they got to that point of being someone. They just were, they just went after what they wanted and didn’t stop. They had no more of an idea of how to or if they were making it than any of us have right now…

– Take things slowly, but don’t ever stop going after them. With the Cricket World Cup inspiring me to watch cricket, I took two things from it: don’t ever stop being gracious, the world is always watching. And when you get kicked to the curb because people don’t think you have it anyone (like one of the players had perviously) keep trying. Because it doesn’t mean your time is up. It doesn’t mean you can’t get back in game. The only thing you have to do is not give up, figure out where you’re going wrong, fix it. Get back on the horse.

– Always breathe. It keeps you alive. And sane…just one deep breath at a time.

– Sometimes you can’t always do what you want to do. This is often said in many various forms by adults to children or teens. But what I mean by it is you can’t always stop loving people when you want to, you can’t always accept others in the way you want to, you can’t always forgive people when you need to, you can’t always connect with someone on the level you should. You can’t control emotions, and I’ve spent most of my life trying. I finally reached a point of acceptance of myself when I accepted I feel things I didn’t want to, and I’m ok with that…it’s just learning how to manage that.

– Do what you need to do to survive in the best way you know possible. Not everyone is going to like how you live your life, not everyone is going to appreciate the decisions you make, but if you know in your heart it’s right…don’t stop listening to yourself. Believe it or not, I took this from the whole One Direction debacle.

So in summary, what do all these little titbits mean in relevance to my life? In short, I did what no one thought I could do and have my thyroid at a very acceptable level, using only natural methods. I’m often afraid of what’s ahead with my writing and where it will take me, Cambodia being my biggest fear currently, but I have faith it’s going to be just how it should be. I’m not giving up on my goals of winning a rider class at Horse Of the Year. Mardy might be that horse, he might not. Time will tell, but I’m not giving up, I’m just taking it one step at a time. I’m not stressing, because I’m breathing before any decision I make….trust me, the difference is huge.

And lastly, I’ve struggled a lot to let go, to move on, to forgive people both in my present and past, and to accept I can’t control how I feel…it only creates more problems trying to. Men can be assholes, but I’ve spent a lot of my life letting them treat me that way. This is the first time in my life where I feel like I’m making the right decision on how I act, and what I accept as an ok way to treat me. I value myself more than I ever have, and that’s a really nice place to get to.

All in all, I hope this offered you some inspiration! I hope to be back to my normal funny(ish) sarcastic self with a few off days every now and then in no time.

Long winded ramble about my life

I thought it’s time for another post… as my last one was a bit down in the dumps! I received my latest thyroid results yesterday…

They have improved even more from the last time, three months ago. I have had three tests since on homeopathic treatment. But I thought it was probably time I put it in perspective. (Ironically I sit in my bed at home, sick from work…but that’s another story).

Four years ago I began suffering extreme symptoms of an over active thyroid. I would see things out of the corner of my eye, shadows, movement, shapes. I had extreme paranoia, I couldn’t sleep, I felt nauseous and dizzy all the time, I was hot even in the middle of winter, in summer I would want to crawl into a hole and die because I was so over heated. My heart would race like I had been completing a marathon even if I was resting…not that I could rest.

I ate milkshakes, pasta and cheese, cupcakes…my diet consisted of McDonalds, roast meals with gravy, veggies three times a week, ice cream, alcohol (the premix stuff), lollies, pasta and cheese, milkshakes, coffee.

I had been to the doctor four times that year I think, it could have been more, but I lost count. That was 2011-2012. They finally realised I had an overactive thyroid.

The marker on a blood test to show this (there are three of them, but one is significant). It’s called the TSH and it should be between 0.3 and 5.0.

Mine sat at 0.05 well under half of what is should be at, but even 0.3 is bad. 2.0 is perfect.

I was taking natural supplements and began to change my diet after I suffered a thyroid storm and ended up in hospital on an IV, morphine, codeine, paracetamol, and anti nausea drugs. I was this strange shade of white and my eyes started to yellow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Alex so frightened as he was when he walked in an saw me after days of getting increasingly ill. When you get so sick you think you’re dying, cutting food you love out doesn’t seem like such a big deal.

Anyway, the naturopath was fantastic, she worked wonders, but the supplements were only keeping things at bay rather than solving the problem. My thyroid was still overactive, my symptoms were just being managed.

Though I was an incredible sceptic, I walked into the homeopath across the road from work and made an appointment. I never once thought this would work, I wanted it to so badly, but I didn’t actually believe it would.

Less than a year on from that first appointment, my latest blood test shows my TSH at 0.81, now well inside the 0.3-5.0

There are still many questions that need answering now that it’s all ok…but I’ll be going back to the doctor to ask them, and also to see the reaction when I tell her I never took the medication and the results are from homeopathic treatment.

I have however discovered I am likely to have asthma…after a week of difficultly breathing I had a minor panic attack in the bathroom at work yesterday. I think my body started freaking out it couldn’t get enough oxygen. Being the clever person I am, I hadn’t realised just how little air I was getting until my throat became so tight I freaked out.

We have a family history of asthma and it’s easily treatable, so I’m hoping it’s that and not some other sinister underlying health issue that I don’t know about.

Time will tell I suppose.

The reason I am home is a) because my chest hurts and b) I still can’t breathe properly and c) I think my body has just decided it needed a mini break after getting back to work and gave me a great headache.

Anyway, the point of this blog was to say that I know I often complain on here but I am very blessed to be able to fix the things that held me back in life so much. And I urge people who might be struggling with something or have had confusing information from a doctor, to see a naturopath or homeopath. Start somewhere, and sort it. It’s worth it in the long run!

It’s a long week already.

First week of work conquered, here comes the second! I’m not quite sure if my body is still recovering from the insanity that was last year, or if my brain has just officially quit. But the headaches are back, and they’ve been back for over a week.

I haven’t suffered headaches like these for over three years now, so my tolerance for them is limited. That, and my heart keeps doing weird things. My chest hurts, my eyes hurt, and I can’t sleep…and keep having nightmares.

CAN THE HEALTH THINGS PLEASE STOP NOW!

So, it’s back to the homeopath. The problem with natural health is you’re slowly peeling back an onion…each symptom is a layer, which eventually leads you to the root cause. Sometimes, you get down enough layers and you think yes! I’ve got to the bottom of it. No, no not always.

It’s also time for a trip to the doctor again to hopefully get a few more comprehensive blood tests done and a few more answers to a lot of questions.

Perhaps it is just the heat, or my body begrudgingly continuing with ‘adult’ life which it doesn’t think it’s quite ready for…but either way, I’d like it to get over it!

Enough of my whinging. I managed three out of five days exercising before work, and tomorrow, I think I’m going to go for a run…nothing quite clears my head like a good run when I’m frustrated.

Toodles for now, stay strong all of you who might be struggling to get happily into 2015, and keep focused on the cool things that are ahead. If you don’t have any cool things ahead, plan some.

I won’t admit defeat!

Hello normal

I’ve been normal my whole life. I never knew there was anything particularly different about me. I had normal grades, I was average height, weight, my hair was average length and colour. I was normal in every single aspect of the word.

I was sick a bit when I was 12, but I came right. I left home and continued with life. Until one summer, when I was particularly ill. Nothing can quite describe how it feels when the thing that controls all your hormones has a melt down, and while I have not taken P or LSD or anything like that before, nor do intend to, but it is what I imagine it might feel like to have a mildly bad trip constantly.

The seeing things, the energy levels then sudden crashes, the lack of immune system, the bad hair, bad nails, bad skin. It is like your entire body is having a melt down… and you are powerless to stop it.

That’s what the doctors say anyway. There is nothing to do except take the medication and have the surgery. Oh, then they hand you this really cool pamphlet full of all these really exciting side effects like ‘lethargy, headaches, tummy pains, dizziness, nausea’.

So I said I was doing it my way.

Doctors give you this look when you tell them you’re taking natural supplements. I mean no disrespect, we need them, but there is this insane inability to believe anything except synthetic medication will improve your condition and/or manage it. In New Zealand anyway.

So I stopped telling them I was going to fix it using natural and homeopathic remedies. I doubted it myself. Even my boyfriend I think thought I was going mad when I cut out dairy, gluten, processed sugar, and actually most things with crap in it.

It took three years of hospital visits, a lack of ability to stick to the diet (pancakes always got the better of me) and many many many breakouts where I just sat on the floor and cried because there was no way I could make my skin better.

I have gone through four years of one hellish roller coaster.

Then… I got my latest blood test results.

I have not taken any of the doctors prescribed medication. I was actually shaking when I went to have the blood tests, because this was the final test I said to myself. If nothing had changed, I was going to have to look at the doctors options.

My thyroid levels are with normal range. All three of the indicators are normal.

I’M FREAKING NORMAL!

I hated that term, I really really hated that at school. But now, man, there is no better feeling than looking at those results, knowing how bad they used to be, and knowing I did it in my own control, and I never had to put anything that didn’t belong in there.

Perhaps natural doesn’t work for everyone, and it’s hard, and it’s costly, and it’s frustrating, but the reward is so incredibly great I would never put a price on that.

My health and actually FEELING healthy and looking healthy and loving who I am is so much more important to me than money. The hard work paid off, and there is no better feeling.

Hello normal, let’s be friends.

It’s a coffee day

Today would be a day where I would need several coffees, if I could drink coffee. It’s 9:12 and today is actually moving remarkably quickly. Nothing quite like arriving at the office when the sun is still deciding if it wants to show its face. I get how it felt. As the head starts to throb the sun is just way to bright, of course it comes out on a day where I can’t ride my horse.

The world is a cruel place.

Never the less I am dying my hair tonight and getting a hair cut. A splash of luxury.

Not that I have any money in my account at the moment because I forgot to bring the cheque to work to bank for my saddle.

It never fails to amuse me the look on health professionals faces when I acknowledge the thyroid condition, then proceed to tell them “I’m a journalist”. They don’t even need to say “soo… you have a high stress job, and a condition worsened by stress?” I just laugh as soon as they look at me with “are you trying to get sick?”

Nope.

I just love what I do.

My body is just going to have to cope with that.

Unfortunately it is currently protesting about my decision on that, my skin, which was being kind, has packed it in, my heart seems to think we’re jumping off buildings, and my brain has abandoned me.

Nope.

Not happening.

Never the less, I am quite proud of myself lately. Other than pushing my coping capabilities, I have actually managed to get the job(s) done, no freak outs, good mood maintained… only boarder line panic attacks and bad dreams. But that’s okay. I also spent most of the weekend without make up, something I have not been brave enough to do for about 6 years.

So yes, I will be taking a break this weekend… or going snowboarding. But due to my current financial situation, I may be forced to take a break. Probably a wise idea.

Perhaps I will also go for a run, I think a run would do me some good! Clear away all that stress!

Right, time to breathe and continue working.

Come at me weekend, we will be friends.