Hello past, let’s be friends

Hello reality. Four days of blissful holiday is now behind me and it is time to face what I like to call ‘life’.

Yes, I at times quite enjoy avoiding life, but after a fantastic massage and a whole day of doing sweet bugger all including ordering Indian in from the hotel then finishing the day with a bubble bath, I’d say I’m pretty well equipped to now deal with it.

I managed to survive a night out with my sister and her friends, an ex-boyfriend, all while seeing a old…friend? My past is a bit of a stalker, every element of it loves to chase me around and remind me you can’t ever really run away. I paid for my attempts at dancing the next day when my poor ankles didn’t agree they should have to operate.

So anyway, due to this whole seeing people who ‘I learnt how to punch in case I ever bumped into them again’ and making my peace with the slightly bumpy road that was the time before I got here, I have come to the conclusion: I suck at holding grudges.

I’m rolling with that. I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not. Being a female canis familiaris (dog for those who don’t love google as much as me) 24/7 just doesn’t come naturally to me. Standing up for myself does… there is a difference!

At times you’ve just got to move on. Life happens. Every single step of mine has been for something. I was lying awake at 11.31pm because my brain wouldn’t find that off switch, when I realised just how many things lead me to here. If they had never happened… it scared me to think what and who I would be now without it all.

It is easy to resent and hate things because I don’t have the balls to dig deeper stop to ask why. Fall out with a friend? Fix it. If they’re still not a good person for you, move on and find another. But don’t hate!

It was possibly the strangest feeling of relief when I began to see my ex again – suddenly, the hate melted away and I had all this room to love more people and make time for new friends.

Most of the people in my life thought I was mad. Open up old wounds, tread on unstable ground, no idea where or how it was going to end. But it isn’t everyone elses life… it’s mine. What’s best for me? Working through things that have haunted me and changed the way I see people.

I wanted to get the happy go lucky, forgiving, understanding, kind person I was, back. And I wanted more of it than I had left. You can’t love to your full extent when part of your heart is still caught up hating something! It doesn’t matter how much it hurt, it was time to move on.

In my own way, I have been able to move on because I had a chance, a chance not many people have, to go back into the past and pull apart the things that made it hurt.
When you understand something, it is much easier to forgive that hurt it causes.

Now I am here. Still no idea where I am going, but I know my past wont determine it as much as it used to. I finally got back the pieces of my personality I loved and missed. He’ll be in my life for a long time, because some people aren’t the kind you leave behind. I get that most of my friendships are weird and I know that I get judged for that often. But my boyfriend now knows me, he knows I’m just odd. This is how my life is, and I’m ok with that, and I’m really blessed by that.
Different is good, and knowing what is right for you and going with that, tops it all.

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It’s the next chapter

FOR THE BLOG

So last night, after I wrestled the bacon bone soup out of the freezer and the chicken drumsticks escaped and attacked my foot, I struggled to sleep.

The bacon bone soup was good, exactly what you need when you’re fighting the flu and unable to sleep.

I was thinking to myself ‘seriously dude, just close your eyes and sleep!’

It’s not my brain’s fault. Life has been what I would call a white water adventure as of late.

My grandfather is dying, I’m selling my horse – evidently that means no more horse riding for a while, my other horse is having a foal and I am seriously out of my depth, I’m moving house, I’ve been revisiting old wounds with an ex, and work is full on – but good.

So really, my brain doesn’t really have much of a shot at being ok lately.

To tell you the truth, I think it’s doing pretty damn well.

Stories for work this week have been some of the best since I started working, I have loved the research and the interviews. But one in particular about family violence has stirred up a few past hurts (NOT with my own family!). The problem with me, is I don’t really move on from things until I talk about it. I need to talk to figure it out. The other person doesn’t even have to say much, they just need to understand.

The problem with this particular time in my life, is there is only one person who actually can understand it. So it’s back to the past I go.

There is this whole folder in my brain reserved for ‘2010, when things fell apart in a rather impressive way’.

I got it together thank goodness.

But it doesn’t make it all go away. It just makes you pretend it’s not there.

That’s not healthy.

So I’m being brave and actually drawing lines and treading carefully on very broken glass. But with the mix of everything that’s going on at the moment, I choose to slip into a world of good drama TV shows.

This is definitely the start of another chapter for me.

But I have absolutely no idea where I am going. I have an idea of what I want and what will be there, but it’s making the sentences that scares the living daylights out of me. Because it is the first time in my life I’m not ignoring anything. I’m not trying to ‘escape’. I am facing my fears and I am doing what I know is best for not just me, but the people around me.

So, here is to the next step.

Sore foot from chicken fights, green juice because I hate chewing my greens, cups of tea to sooth the hurts, and good TV shows to take my mind off it all when I just need a break.

It might not seem like a lot from the outside, but it’s a huge amount to me. And I’m ok with saying that. Everyone fights their own battles in their own time, and this is my time and my battle.

But I’m going to win.

Because it’s my life, and I want better than what I’ve been giving myself.

I don’t want to get older this year

It is August. My birthday is in three months. A little less actually. The problem with my birthday is it falls in the month that marks the end. The final chapter in this sunny little room with lemonade and cookies that is studying. It’s a cosy, though busy and like walking on a tightrope, and comfy life. Hearing speakers talk about their journeys during SPARK week I suddenly sat up.

My birthday is only three months away.

I finish tech just after my birthday.

MY BIRTHDAY IS ONLY THREE MONTHS AWAY.

Three months left of a lovely safety net – then it’s time to get a real job and live in the real world. What on earth am I going to make of myself? I could be so many things! Or, I could end up being nothing. I know what the goal is… it’s just all the little stepping stones that frighten me. ‘What if’s’ and maybe’s, possibilities and potential failures. 

I have to find a job, find a new house, probably move city, become ‘grown up’ and start earning money. And it is all happening just after my birthday. In three months. 

Of course when I was 14 and dating my first boyfriend I thought three months was forever, I now am quickly realizing it is not.

The thing is, it is not the finding a job, moving, growing up etc, it is knowing I may not. Scary thought really – ‘what if’ I don’t? 

 

4 and a half years ago

4 and a half years ago. That’s a little while really. Many things change in 4 and a half years. I covered a story tonight, in a small rural town that my boyfriend lives in. This is the sort of place you kind of know where it is but most people never stop here. It has a tiny population and it is one of the last places on earth you expect to run into people you haven’t seen for 4 and a half years. 

But tonight, in the town hall, in this small rural town, at 8pm, on a Saturday, I met him again. I don’t even know if I can say again because I don’t know if I ever met him to start with. I was 15. I dated his best friend. He was with this girl at the time, a pretty blonde girl. His best friend had just cheated on me (well, he says he didn’t… it’s a twisted story and not really one worth telling) and proceeded to dump me. To be perfectly honest I don’t think I ever cared a whole bunch. None the less, that sort of thing hurts at 15. This guy (tonight man) began talking to me and we were best friends, or in my 15 year old world we were. We spoke every day all day and I relied entirely on him to get through the next few strange, borderline hellish months of boy drama. 

Then we stopped. I don’t know why, perhaps he does but I don’t. I’m not even sure there was a reason. We were amazingly close friends. To this day I don’t think he realizes just how much he helped me. 

But on my silver flip top phone with limited colour and a pixilated screen he became my everything. Then, just like that, he stopped. 

4 and a half years later there he was. In a small rural town, at 8pm, in the town hall. Standing with a friend who knew the friend I was there with. I didn’t even recognize his face till someone said his name. Then it hit me. Like a punching bag I didn’t get of the way of when in full swing it smacked me, straight between the eyes. Just like that, there he was. He’s been here for a long time. He’s even worked with my boyfriends mother. I never knew. 

It is a bazar sequence of events which lead to seeing him again. I hope to go out to coffee with him. 

This time I brought up the boyfriend topic BEFORE we went to coffee, though I am pretty sure his intentions are quite contrary to crash guy.

In 4 and a half years the things I have done – the things that have changed! I no longer have braces, I discovered pretty undergarments, I got a little more clued up on fashion, I changed my hair colour a million times. I haven’t grown a whole lot (height wise), possibly 3 cm. I left home. Had several boyfriends. Now am in a serious relationship. Grew my hair out. Have nearly finished a degree. There are just so many little tiny things that are so astonishingly different.

He was part of a chapter I thought I had long closed – a chapter that linked into almost everything I do and have now. A weird and perhaps one of the most testing times of my life. Interesting none the less. I often wondered what became of him. Now I suppose I shall find out.

Let the adventure being. 

Here goes

I’m a bit emotional tonight. It could be the thought of leaving to go back to somewhere I think I’m over. Someone in the office said, it’s not the city, the city is good. I just want to be able to take the excitement of meeting new people, exploring new places and finding a place I feel like I fit, back to the city I fell in love it when I first moved there. I hate to admit I am beginning to like Auckland. More than I want to. 

The emotional thing could possibly due to a fairly painful smack to the head when that guy hit my car. 

Either way. 

I have never actually cared much before now but it is becoming so real, like I can almost touch it and I know I go on but when something great is coming to an end it is hard not to feel as though you are loosing something that helped restore a very worn out soul. These people seem to want to help me, make me, encourage me. I don’t have to fight them or justify my actions or watch my back. That is a first. 

My car boot wont shut now. My neck aches. I am getting sick. So I am finishing my night with ‘Burn by Ellie Goulding’. It makes me smile and really want to dance. Perhaps these last two days will be a good send off or maybe it is going to be the doorway to the future? 

Who knows.

But here goes.

The old man and the daisies.

Driving past a residential area the other day I was looking out the window. Not really looking I suppose, more staring thinking about something like what I want to eat or what movie I’ve missed. Either way, my mind was not with me until I saw him. 

His garden was perfect. His lawns (to me) appeared perfect. But not to him. Perhaps in his late 80’s there he was- garden sheers in hand. These were not small garden sheers, the would have been half the size of him! Good thing though, because it meant he didn’t have to bend over, instead he could avoid the possibility of toppling head over heals into the law.

Standing, or rather walking slowly he was ‘pruning’ his lawn. Cutting each daisy off the law with the garden sheers. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

At this point me and my boyfriend looked at one another with a ‘did we really just encounter that!’ look on our faces.

We did.

I will never complain about being board again, not that I ever do. Instead I will appreciate a busy life because at least I do not have time to care about the length of those pesky daisies towering high above the grass.

Oh how wonderful a drive can be