Hello reality. Four days of blissful holiday is now behind me and it is time to face what I like to call ‘life’.
Yes, I at times quite enjoy avoiding life, but after a fantastic massage and a whole day of doing sweet bugger all including ordering Indian in from the hotel then finishing the day with a bubble bath, I’d say I’m pretty well equipped to now deal with it.
I managed to survive a night out with my sister and her friends, an ex-boyfriend, all while seeing a old…friend? My past is a bit of a stalker, every element of it loves to chase me around and remind me you can’t ever really run away. I paid for my attempts at dancing the next day when my poor ankles didn’t agree they should have to operate.
So anyway, due to this whole seeing people who ‘I learnt how to punch in case I ever bumped into them again’ and making my peace with the slightly bumpy road that was the time before I got here, I have come to the conclusion: I suck at holding grudges.
I’m rolling with that. I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not. Being a female canis familiaris (dog for those who don’t love google as much as me) 24/7 just doesn’t come naturally to me. Standing up for myself does… there is a difference!
At times you’ve just got to move on. Life happens. Every single step of mine has been for something. I was lying awake at 11.31pm because my brain wouldn’t find that off switch, when I realised just how many things lead me to here. If they had never happened… it scared me to think what and who I would be now without it all.
It is easy to resent and hate things because I don’t have the balls to dig deeper stop to ask why. Fall out with a friend? Fix it. If they’re still not a good person for you, move on and find another. But don’t hate!
It was possibly the strangest feeling of relief when I began to see my ex again – suddenly, the hate melted away and I had all this room to love more people and make time for new friends.
Most of the people in my life thought I was mad. Open up old wounds, tread on unstable ground, no idea where or how it was going to end. But it isn’t everyone elses life… it’s mine. What’s best for me? Working through things that have haunted me and changed the way I see people.
I wanted to get the happy go lucky, forgiving, understanding, kind person I was, back. And I wanted more of it than I had left. You can’t love to your full extent when part of your heart is still caught up hating something! It doesn’t matter how much it hurt, it was time to move on.
In my own way, I have been able to move on because I had a chance, a chance not many people have, to go back into the past and pull apart the things that made it hurt.
When you understand something, it is much easier to forgive that hurt it causes.
Now I am here. Still no idea where I am going, but I know my past wont determine it as much as it used to. I finally got back the pieces of my personality I loved and missed. He’ll be in my life for a long time, because some people aren’t the kind you leave behind. I get that most of my friendships are weird and I know that I get judged for that often. But my boyfriend now knows me, he knows I’m just odd. This is how my life is, and I’m ok with that, and I’m really blessed by that.
Different is good, and knowing what is right for you and going with that, tops it all.