Little strange single lessons

Adjusting to single life is interesting after a long relationship. It’s even more interesting adjusting in a world where things like snapchat and going to town weren’t part of life when I went into it. I’ve emerged on the other side into a whole new world of strange things.

For starters, my snapchat perviously had about six friends all who received pictures of my horse or me pulling faces. I’d sometimes send photos when I felt like I looked pretty. But there was little snapchating. Actually, I could probably have counted on one hand the amount of times I’d snap someone in a week.

So, I’m having to learn all these things like who you send what kind of snap to, when you send a snap, how many you send in a day, why not to use snapchat when drinking, that no one cares about my stationary order at work, and just what kind of angle and lighting works for that winning selfie. Gosh there’s a lot to learn. The worst part about it is I’m pretty sure I miss the mark constantly. Heck, I only just learnt it was possible to send a photo saved to your phone rather than only send photos you’ve just taken. I also learnt you can take photos and save them to your phone before sending them!

Going out is also a whole new ball game. Before there was no such thing as free drinks and there was that awkward conversation starter of ‘is that your boyfriend?’ And I never stopped to think about giving my number to anyone. Actually I had a great fake number I used on occasion.

I’m now realising there’s more to going out than I’d ever have imagined. Free drinks are great but there is probably a limit to how many one should consume in a night. People do ask for your number and it’s super strange when you have no idea what or who they are when they do use that number, and people can easily find my name on Facebook (who knew people could even spell Sacha correctly?) Going out is really fun, being hit on is no longer awkward, but suddenly I have absolutely no idea how to have a conversation with some stranger I met once, I have no idea if I should even talk to said stranger. And I no longer know if I should put people in their place when they try their luck a little too much. I’ve concluded yes but I don’t understand anything about this.

It’s frightening.

Suddenly relationships seem far more complicated than I ever realised. I have no idea what to say to people or how to have conversation with someone I might be interested in. I have no idea what’s talking too much or not enough. I don’t even know what I want from someone let alone asking all these questions.

Being 22 and single is a very weird place to be.

It’s not a bad place to be.

I just realise how strange life really is at times and how much relationships and how we interact with people has changed in the past few years. It’s only been four years and this feels like an entirely new world. I mean, I didn’t even really use Facebook that much to talk to people and now I have to figure out how often people actually chat and what sort of things they chat about.

I certainly know what I don’t want. But it’s not always easy defining what I do want.

Suddenly I’m no longer a journalist, I’m no longer dating someone, and I no longer compete my horse. Everything I used to define myself isn’t there anymore. And I have to just be me. I know me, I like me, it’s just a very new thing for me to let other people know and like me. There is absolutely nothing to hide behind and I have no option other than to be honest and open and myself.

That is a strange thing to face.

So, onwards and upwards as always. Life is great; I’m not getting enough sleep as always, I’ve had too many good weekends as always, I need to be kinder to my body as always, but I’m no longer as sick as I was and I’m loving life. Things are good. Everything is a learning curve, but it is good. I’m me, I like me, and that’s what counts.




The next little steps

Breakups aren’t fun. Even amicable breakups make you want to punch someone in the face at times. And it’s hard not to wallow in self pity singing “I will be forever alone” through tears. But I won’t be forever alone. I have a cat. And people think I’m joking when I say that but really, he’s quite a cool cat. Though, there’s always the chance he’ll run away. Then I have the horse, and she’s in a paddock, so she can’t actually escape. Even if she does she can’t go far because I FEED HER! *insert evil controlling laugh here*.

Today is the day I move my furniture. I’ve never really been in this point in a relationship before so I have no idea exactly how I should be feeling about it. Most of the time I’m just really happy I get my super comfy bed back to myself because I plan on spending a great deal of amazing sleeping in that thing. So I have a small amount of part time work with a pretty cool new company called Dynamic Media in Hamilton and I have a nice little to do list for YouthNet to start things rolling for that. Life appears for the most part to be on the right track. There’s still of course figuring out what I’m actually doing with it come new year…but for now I think I’ll just focus on the fact I can get a tan and ride my horse on the weekend. Once my tailbone is better of course, but for now I’ll just dream about galloping up hills while I go for runs on the beach. Yep, that’s right, I get to live by the beach for a while!

I’ve started to write a ‘single person to do list’, it’s sort of all those funny little things I’ve never done because I’ve been in a relationship since I was 17. And now at 22 and going grey, I feel it’s time I started completing some of them. Once I’ve got past number one I might add it here for you all to laugh at.

Life is under control in between the strange fits of sobbing, the angry laughing (I do hysterical laughing when I get really upset, seems to improve the situation though), the smiling and loving life, and the feeling of OH MY GOSH WHAT THE HELL AM I ACTUALLY GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW?! That last one seems to be the most prominent.

I’ll get there. I’ll figure it out. I always do. In the midst of my weirdness and feeling like my life has just sort of unraveled at my feet, I do know things will be just fine, life is going to be great. And when I get really down I just think about all the times I stood at the top of the Alps in Austria and screamed “I’M ALIVE, I’M FREAKING ALIVE!” And for all of you who know how often I fall off things…that’s actually quite a shock. So, I have an entire life to be grateful for and amazing people in it to enjoy it with.

Hello summer…I think this year we’re going to be friends.

A spidery tale

Life has become weird again. It began when I encountered a big black spider about a week ago. Granted it was on a horse cover that had been lying around for several days, exposed to the spider population. I did not scream. I simply continued on, removed said spider and was very proud of myself. A couple of days later I encountered another one, I can’t quite remember where but again, withheld scream. This seemed to continue for several days. Then it just got worse. Three (smallish) brown spiders appeared at different times during the day on me. On my person. Three, all in one day. The following day a big black one appeared on my riding boot. While I was holding it my hand, as I was just about to inspect the insides for that very creature. This is a job I normally make my boyfriend do. But I was feeling brave. I shouldn’t have given my recent haunting of the spiders. I screamed this time. And threw the boot. Then killed the spider. My boyfriend was not impressed as he ran in to find I was alive, well and I had not fallen to my doom. His words were “Oh! It was only a spider.” It was NOT ONLY as SPIDER. It was big, it was black and it was about the sixth one in a week. The next day I found a really big brown one on my float, it had fangs I could see.

I mean, it was just getting ridiculous. Then tonight, alone, watching private practice, alone, a big, big, the biggest one yet, appeared on my ceiling. I fly sprayed it, and sprayed some more, and some more and the blasted things just would not die! I scooped it onto a piece of paper and flushed it down the loo. I will now wait until tomorrow before using that toilet. 

My fear of spiders is rational. It is not dreamt up and it is not simply ‘because they’re scary’. I loved spiders. Until I picked up a very big one, around the size of my small 10 year old hand, and took it to show mummy. It didn’t want to go see mummy so it bit me. And my figure got all red and puffy and sore. So, I don’t like spiders. At all. 

Now, other than my spider haunting lately which, quite frankly I am over, my cat (the one that lives with Alex) thought all through the weekend that 7am was the perfect time to wake up sleeping owners. Every single morning at 7am on the dot. So I’m tired. 

I also just found out that a position is opening up at the paper I desperately wanted to work at, at the start of the year. Of course I already have my perfect job at a different paper. But I am currently frolicking in the irony of it all. Frolicking in the most delightfully delusional way. Oh, and my horse is currently visiting a boy horse in order to make a baby horse. Though, she doesn’t want a bar of him. She likes the boy who has no balls. I sigh at the irony and stare sadly at my nearly 20 year old face in the mirror and wonder when on earth it started looking so tired. 

I’d ask why but I lack the energy.

As I prepare to celebrate my 20th year breathing and being alive I thought to myself, ‘how will I celebrate the end of this course?’ My answer: sleep for at least 24 hours straight. When did I get so boring?

Little happy buz

I have been in a really good mood lately. Not the weird happy highs that soon end in a rather tragic fall to the bottom of a cliff. But good good. In a good space and it is a nice feeling! Perhaps it is that something has changed, perhaps it is just life is fantastic. I’m not too sure but I like it. A lot.

Due to this progressive excitement I have gone a little crazy with my song downloading. My taste in music is somewhat unusual. Happy yet odd, then a little bit of something else. I have also concluded the word ‘that’ needs to go. It is pretty useless as a word. I also use it far too much. This was concluded by my while writing stories in my head before I fell asleep after my tutor kindly pointed it out to me. I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE.

Being a journalist is awesome. And that is not sarcastic.

It’s a weird profession you can do almost anything with, limitless. Exciting! Then there is the people you get to meet and the things you learn.

Cue weird smile.

Lonely habits

I am a creature of habit. Unfortunately, or perhaps not so unfortunately, I pick up certain habits from people I talk to a lot, or spend time with. Normally they are the thing’s a I either hate or notice because they annoy me. Then, just like that, I take them on. It drives me nutty.

According to my mother I have charisma, oh course because mum has to say nice things to me I try not to be overly happy about this compliment. But I like to think I do either way. I don’t know if the habits that make me, me are learnt or if they are in fact me. One thing is for certain I have not changed much since I was a small kid. I’ve just become a bigger and much more vibrant version of it.

It makes me wonder though, how many things we never notice about ourselves? Other than the annoying things we don’t want to notice, I mean the good things that we simply have no understanding of. The things that make other people smile and take their breath away. I have always wanted to spend a day in someone else’s shoes, just figuring out what makes me tick. I don’t even know what makes me tick. Perhaps that is the magic though.

You meet someone and their magic works with yours, like these amazing electric sparks going off around you and you just have no idea. Those ‘I totally get what you mean!’ moments when you suddenly realize you’re actually not alone in all your madness. 

This just really sweeps me off my feet in amazement. How complex we are as human beings. 

Alone time does this to me, thinking. I like it though, when I’m happy thinking. I have narrowed down my urge to bake and decided I will attempt doughnuts tomorrow. I have also decided to start running in the morning. That probably wont happen, like cutting my hair short, but hey, the thought counts right? 

P.s I have forgiven my new hair dresser, I think I like the way it is now. It curls!

I think someone stole my brain and threw it away.

My mind keeps making up words. No I’m not talking about the ones that I used as a sort of hybrid of two words when I can’t think of a way to explain something… I mean I keep reading words that aren’t there. This is concerning.

I was reading Jesse Mulligan’s new column in New Idea. I must say it was a good one. I shall read it more often. I got to the end where his little by line was and it said ‘Jesse is a comedian… co-host of TV One’s nightly show Seven Sharp.’

I read: ‘Jesse is a comedian…. co-host of TV One’s funniest show Seven Sharp.’

This was of course the moment I realized I had started reading words that weren’t there… there was no way that would have possibly have been written.

I am not sure as to the reason for this oddity. I have a strong feeling though it may have something to do with my brain dying from filing, sorting, organizing, more filing and then dropping a bunch of magazines on my foot, cutting almost every finger on paper and bruising my wrist trying to make the magazines STAY IN A STRAIGHT DAMN LINE!

Yesterday was fun. Can’t you tell?

No it really wasn’t that bad. I actually like being really organized… on time… tidy… and mature. WHAT HAS AUCKLAND DONE TO ME?!