It never was going to be easy…

I think one of the biggest traps you can fall into when you make a big change in your life, is expecting it to be ‘good’ all the time. People ask me, as I ask them, how life is going, how’s the new job, how’s the relationship, how’s this and that and the other. It’s good that people care. But it’s also easy to fall into the trap of thinking all they want to hear is ‘good’.

I love my new job, it’s going well I think, but I’ve started answering that question with ‘it’s really hard’. The new job is really hard. Most new jobs are. Aside from the ‘what the hell did you do to end up working in THAT job’ looks…it’s just a tiring job.

Just because you decided to make a big change, and even if you love it, doesn’t make it easy.

I think that’s something that’s really easy to forget.

Support though, is the second biggest. It’s easy for people to say ‘don’t over do it’ or ‘you’re too tired take a break’. It’s well meaning, it always is. But with everything comes work, hard work. And like with the many lessons I’ve learnt so far in life, I know how far I can push myself before I need a break.

Coffee, coffee is good right now.

It’s coming to the end of 2016 and just like each year for the past few years there have been massive highs and massive lows. Life just throws those at you sometimes, but I also think when you put yourself out there, when you make adjustments, when you push yourself, you’re going to come up against some friction. And like anyone who has ridden a bike with sweaty thighs knows, friction is not your friend.

Next year is going to be just as, if not more so challenging than this year. I threw a little tantrum about that the other day because, well, I really just want a break. But while running down the beach, my lungs screaming at my that running is a silly thing to do, the salt air stinging my eyes, I took a moment to say to myself: ‘well of course it’s going to be damn hard’.

I get told on the regular to ‘stop being negative’. I respond ‘honestly, I’m just realistic’. I stopped kidding myself it would be rainbows and lollipops a little while back. Why? Because it’s not. And if you’re prepared for rainbows and lollipops and instead get kale juice and salad, you’re not going to last very long. If you expect the kale juice and salad, and accept you just need those to grown and be a healthy human, well it’s not going to be a disappointment, it’s going to be a growing experience.

I want to achieve a lot. And doing that means hard work, which means times of pain, sacrifice and tears. It means I won’t always get the fairytale, but I will get the action film.

When I made the decision to live life with 100 per cent of what I can give, and with 100 per cent faith I’m doing the right thing, I knew it would be hard.

It will be hard.

It will be uncomfortable.

I will throw tantrums.

And sometimes I will want to give up.

But I am looking at next year as many mountains to climb, with many views from the top.

And yes my butt will hate me for climbing them all, but I will do it. Because I can do it. Because I’ve never said no to a challenge yet.

It is easy to look at other people and wish for simplicity or for things to go ‘right’. But they don’t, not for anyone. Everyone struggles. You see simply a slice of the pie…not the whole thing.

So with that I shall continue to work myself into the ground to save a lot of money to get the things I want and to get better at the career I’ve decided I’ll give my best shot at.

They boys at work told me today I was too nice. They’re yet to see the crazy…just wait…I have the determination and stubbornness of my horse when it doesn’t want to walk through a puddle. Not all methods of gaining respect come in the form of swearing, anger and muscles.

And they’ll see that…

In saying that I intend to keep going to the gym to kick their butts in the weights room…again…so maybe it has a little bit to do with muscles.

But that’s beside the point.

And for the ironic moment of the day… if you’re having a bad day, just remember I crashed my car on the way to my police exam and it cost me $400 to fix it. Because, why wouldn’t you crash your car on the way to a police exam?!

 

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Even one step is still movement

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” – Bell Hooks, All About Love

It’s been a struggle street as anyone who’s read my blog lately will know. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You all come here for a laugh or a bit of information and I’ve been shoving pity parties in your face for months.

Never the less, I am back.

While I’m still wallowing in moments of ‘I CAN’T DO THIS’…I’ve decided it’s time to get the big girl pants on and be brave.

That might sound a little sarcastic. It’s not meant to.

Here’s the thing about not only changing my complete life direction, but also wanting a job that I can throw every ounce of spare energy into; it’s daunting. I’m living in a space of constant pushing; constant needing to be more, do more, achieve more, learn more.

To make big moves you have to take big steps.

And sometimes, that’s damn terrifying.

Ok, ok, here’s what that looks like for me right now. Jobs. There are jobs every three or so weeks that come up which I think ‘YES, THAT IS WHAT I WANT!’

But, there is always a list of necessary requirements. Most jobs I feel as though I could fit that, I could do that and/or I have the skills and have previously achieved it.

But with every job that makes me think ‘YES’, is a little voice that goes ‘oh but you can’t do that!’

Sush little voice, it’s not your turn right now.

Here’s what being brave looks like: I’ve written copious cover letters. I have edited, rewritten and I have attempted to perfect my CV. Now, I need to send that. I need to click apply and just do it.

It sounds easy.

But it’s the first step toward ‘YES, I’m doing life a different way now’.

I don’t actually have a ‘plan’. I couldn’t give you my ideal job description without changing it about five times and adding in almost every skill I have into a job description I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist.

What I do know: I want to make a change in people’s lives and I have the skills, and at the very least the determination and energy, to do that.

And that voice is the one that needs to be heard.

If I don’t get an interview, so what? If I don’t get the job? So what. I’m still taking the first step toward the possibility. And that’s something I constantly remind myself of…it’s not a failure if it’s not successful, it’s just not the right time and the right thing.

There will be another thing and a right time. Patience.

Making big life changes is terrifying and anyone who has ever just up and said ‘enough is enough I’m making something of myself’ knows what that feels like. It’s not that I didn’t have a great job in the past, it’s not that I don’t have a good one now. It’s that I’m searching for the job I want to stay up till midnight working on.

I know, I’m mad right?

But when someone asked the other day what my 10 year vision was I said (among other things) to have a job I enjoyed so much, I wanted to work over 50 hours a week doing it.

I have energy and I’m incredibly ambitious. Not for myself, but because I have a vision for what I want this country to look like…so I’m pretty determined to go after that and make it happen.

But with that comes drive and energy I didn’t realise I actually had in me…unless we’re talking about running. I never have enough energy or drive for that.

However, it’s easy to be ‘busy’ doing things that don’t actually get you any further. I used to hate being bored because I hated having the time for thoughts to take over and self doubt to creep in. I often avoided being alone with silence because silence can be a very terrifying thing.

You might be wondering why I began this blog with the quote I did…

Because learning to be alone for me, was the first step toward making changes that I always wanted to make, but was far to afraid to make them. People were a little perplexed as to why I wanted to go hiking in Austria alone. It’s a country people from New Zealand don’t venture to much. Hiking in Autumn is an odd thing to do. And it’s pretty remote and few people speak English.

I knew it’s what I needed.

I needed to be alone to learn to support myself, love myself, and process thoughts in a positive way. I needed to lean on myself first so when I lent on other people it wasn’t because I needed to avoid myself, it would be because I need them as the person they are with the skills they have. And a mountain in the middle of Austria is a pretty great way to do that.

What do I want to do? I’m not 100 per cent sure. What do I want to achieve? Now that I am very sure of. And being alone gave me time to realise the honest truth of that: what I was doing, wasn’t even close to achieving what I wanted to achieve.

And that might have lead to the end of a relationship, landing on my parents door and bunking down back at home for a year and being jobless periodically…but you know what…it was still worth it.

Now instead of being busy doing things for the sake of being busy…I’m doing things that have a purpose and a point and will hopefully point me in the right direction.

Even one step is still movement.

I’m an ideas person and I’ve started allowing myself to follow ideas. I need to get a diary for jotting them all down. But in the past it’s been pretty easy to say ‘well actually nah, that’s not worth doing.’

I mean I still probably have at least five ideas a day that really aren’t useful. However, I’ve stopped being annoyed at myself for that. Ideas good or bad are great. It means I’m thinking in such a way that can create change.

So that’s my positive vibes for Friday. I hope you’re all as pumped as I am for the weekend! I’m taking Monday off to spend it at the mountain because sometimes it’s good to make time for having fun for the sake of it.

Till next time x

#bringiton

Right! Time to get back to the positive happy go lucky vibes usually floating around this blog. Today started in the same way a deflated balloon eventually pops weeks after the party. It just kind of gets tired and gives up.

Work has been…interesting to say the least lately. I spend 95 per cent of my time back tracking because ideas have been ditched, plans changed… and I’m kind of just treading water. I’m achieving plenty if you go by my spreadsheets! But I fear if I see another ‘business development’ idea that involves me calling through lists and lists of people, I may just curl up under my desk with Spotify and hide.

Just kidding… I love business development! I would just love it more if I could actually make some progress!

My office has this incredible view of the harbour, which is wonderful for increases of prolonged sanity in the office. I’ve also discovered Spotify after Apple Music drove me insane enough I quit my subscription. So I now have a bunch of bubbly, inspirational songs on repeat and instead of getting mad about road blocks, I just do a little boggy in my chair.

Though, you’d be surprised about how many strange song are out there at the moment!

So I’m planning a trip at the end of the year…this time PHILIPPINES!  Why?

Google it.

It looks like a place I could spend forever.

Maybe I will? Maybe, that is the solution to my life; just avoid it!

People do do that.

I wonder what it would take to bring a horse to the Philippines? And a cat…can’t forget about Charlie.

Hmmm…if anyone wins lotto, just keep me in mind please.

I have started to research and am attempting to get my head around trading. Stocks, currency, it all looks rather intriguing. I mean, I’m not really making much headway where I’m heading at the moment, so why not?

Not sure if anyone has realised…but we have this amazing thing called the internet which while useful for looking at pictures of cats and stupid Buzzfeed articles…you can also use it to become smarter and find new ways of getting ahead! Who knew?

Because I have more plans than I do money, I’m doing a few other jobs like teaching and showhome hostessing. I love hostessing. You essentially hang out in a lovely home and chat to people all day about what their goals and dreams are for their future properties. I’m also super pumped to start teaching horse riding again. It is definitely one of the things I regret not doing more of.

I’ve also decided to expand on my volunteer stuff. Currently I hang out with a bunch of kids at church every second Sunday, which is super fun.

I did not think I would enjoy it…but man it’s so much fun! I don’t know if I have more fun than the kids. I even had them teach me how to make a paper plane.

I’ve discovered I do not spend enough time doing child like things.

And that’s a problem.

Anyway, my new volunteer stuff is developing at the moment but it has to do with my passion: rehabilitation and crime reduction. I’m also trying to figure out how to write my book! I have a book! Well, I will have a book.

So that’s the good stuff.

I also have good coffee, good wine, and plenty of good music! One can’t really complain about that can they?

I’m on the hunt for a full filling job where I can grow. I’m making headway with volunteer work. And I’m finally getting back into doing the things I love to do outside of work…while making money.

I might be moving slowly, but I think I might be moving!

I’ve gone from treading water to a slow breast stroke style of swimming!

#bringiton

 

All was well with the world

Right. I need to get blogging again. I have no idea what’s happened to my creative flow, or perhaps life just isn’t going AWOL enough for me to want to throw it all out there! I’ve been asked to be a contributor to a pretty cool blogsite, so I’ll soon be spamming you with  that asking you to love me. So that’s super exciting news!

It’s winter. It’s cold. My body is protesting and my lungs hurt from my run yesterday. Turns out you need to exercise your lungs too…like it isn’t enough having to exercise the rest of my body! I’m sulking because I’ve now put on 5kg since I STARTED going to the gym. Like, what the hell?! That’s not at all fair. I’m going with it’s muscle. But I mean, that’s a lot of muscle?!

My horse had a tooth pulled out the other day. Poor thing was incredibly good about it, until I put her back in the paddock where she lashed out in anger at her best friend then stood and sulked in the corner. I don’t blame her. I did the same thing when I had my wisdom teeth pulled!

I’m moving home again soon! For the past five weeks I’ve been crashing at Sam’s place while mum and dad renovate the house. It was a weird feeling moving home in the first place after five years out of home…but after five weeks back in a flat I’ve come to realize why I made that decision. Come to me my beautiful renovated en-suite bathroom and spacious kitchen! I’m honestly quite perplexed as to how Sam’s flat gets so dirty so quickly. I’ve just come to the acceptance it’s just one of those houses that’s never quite clean. I will definitely miss doing my own grocery shopping though; it’s just a nice part of the week…I don’t actually like paying for food.

Work has been an interesting combination of a lot of downtime and insanely busy days coupled by dealing with instances that have lead my to run away to the mountain for the weekend with WINE before I pull my hair out.

I love my job.

I love my joy.

No I actually really go, and honestly, those challenges make me feel like I’m actually doing something purposeful with my life.

I think that is definitely my challenge this year: to accept a slower pace and less ‘crazy’. I know I’ve still got a bit on my plate with study…I need to actually get onto my assignment, but over all things are probably the least stressful and most consistent they’ve been in a very long time.

I’m super happy in my relationship. Work isn’t stressful but there’s a decent amount of work to be done. I’m enjoying my study and not finding it nearly as difficult now I only have one paper. And my pony is so much fun on the odd occasion I get to ride. Even the gym has become somewhat enjoyable. So life is good but it is an incredibly weird feeling to just be ‘well’.

I’m off to the mountain this weekend! The weather is meant to be awful but I’m just looking forward to not being in the flat and instead cuddled up by a fireplace with a beautiful bottle of red wine I stole from mum…well kind of, I slowly took it while she stared at me.

So that’s me for now! I shall soon be back in my own room in my lovely parents house with my cute cat called Charlie and the world will be well.

Till next time!

 

 

Breathe a little, it’s your time now

I write this blog with a little bit of hesitation. Lately my Facebook has been inundated with people going through rough times or people facing touch situations. Even in my own family there’s a few rough times being had. So it is definitely with that in mind I write this, because I’m well aware how much of a slap in the face it can be when you’re down and out and someone else is just walking on sunshine.

I was flying to Wellington the other day for a marketing meeting. As I sat on the plane on the way home again I felt this really strange sense of peace. I’m a Christian so the sense of peace and all that jazz is definitely a familiar one. But I really noticed it this time.

For the past few months, actually years, I’ve had some pretty cool highs but I’ve had some pretty low lows. I think I became pretty good buddies with rock bottom. I’ve felt like I’ve always been recovering, moving on, starting again, shifting, rethinking, adjusting. I’ve spent a lot of my time trying really hard to be ok and to just get up and carry on every day with a smile.

But as I sat on that plane, on my way back home I felt this sense of peace; peace that for the first time in a very, very long time I’m not fighting.

I’m not fighting to be ok.

Life’s not perfect. Nan is still sick, study is still a challenge, I (at the time on the plane) had no job security past November. Sam still needs/ed to sell his house.

But I felt ok.

Tauranga is home now. I’ve settled in. I’ve accepted it for what it is and I cannot deny it is a beautiful city to live in and I am incredibly lucky to live here. I miss Hamilton and my life there still. But I know now that these things pass. Missing something or someone is just life and you just have to ride those waves of emotion until the eventually subside.

I love my job. I wake up each day and while I definitely don’t want to get out of bed because bed is amazing and the air is always cold, I want to go to work. For the first time…ever…I was happy to be sick on a weekend so I could be better for work. I know! Mad right? Things are looking positive and I may, if all goes well, have a job here long term and I’m really satisfied with that.

I have a direction I want my life to head in and I feel like I am ready to finally go after that. I’m not chasing a dream, I’m letting where I’m meant to be develop and come to light. I know the goal, but what that actually looks like can come in any shape or form. I’m not only ready, but really excited for that.

We have house options! Sam and I have the opportunity to purchase a section on a beautiful piece of land and the house concept plans are being drawn up as we speak. It’s a pretty scary and big move and many, many things have to fall into place but I am so in love with not just the idea, but the reality of what we can do with such a stunning slice of paradise and how many people we could bless with it.

My health condition has been stable for over two years now and that’s an incredible miracle and I’m feeling good despite several bouts of nasty colds and flu’s this winter! My ankle has healed fine and I’m back training full steam at the gym.

I’m not horse riding as much as I’d like (I’m actually not at all!). I don’t see my friends as often as I’d like. But I feel comfortable: in my own skin and in my own world. I don’t feel like I’m fighting life. There are so many little things that need to fall into place, but this is the first time in many years I’ve felt like this is ‘my time’ to loosen the rope and stop clinging on for dear life.

There is a lot more to come and many more waves to ride out. The next year to 18 months is likely to be full of planning and stress. But I’m enjoying just a moment of peace and quiet for now.

I think sometimes we just have to know when to embrace those moments of ‘ok’ so we can be ready to go again when it gets tough. It’s never perfect, it’s never completely sorted, things always go wrong…so when you feel a moment of relief in it all, just take that and breathe a little.

Red wine, honest opinions and #adulthood

Alright, it’s time to be real. I think I’ve been doing too much of ‘trying to make it look like I’ve got it together’ and not enough of ‘where the bloody hell is the wine cause I got no clue how I got here’. I don’t. I really have no idea how I landed myself here. Life is good, man life has so many wonderful things in it that I almost have to remind myself not to be too happy because it’s annoying and always ends in not being happy. So I’ve just ended up being horribly grumpy and emotional while I try to work it all out in my head like a #adult.

I’m an adult. I’m about to make my first purchase of shares and I’m talking home loans and life with someone and all those big terrifying things I said weren’t on the table when I found myself in a tormented ball of ‘I have no friggin clue!!’ last year.

So we can get this straight, life is terrifying. Terrifying in such a way that makes me forget to eat lunch and leaves me holding my breath for multiple minutes at a time.

But it’s terrifying because it’s good.

I wouldn’t be terrified if I wasn’t in a great relationship. But I am terrified because right to my very core I hold this deep and pretty understandable fear I’m going to be left right when it matters. I’m scared of putting all my dreams, ideas, and hopes into life with one person because what if, on the odd chance, it happens again and I am in fact left to create another dream and another life…by myself. I’m not afraid of being alone in life, but I am certainly afraid of losing someone I love, having to recover from that, and also losing the dreams we had together. There is not a single day that goes by that I am not afraid of that.

But I am brave and I do have courage because 95 per cent of the time I’m able to remind myself it is ok, and it can and will work out. I have to have faith that yes, it might be a similar situation, but I am going to be ok. I’m might get hurt, there is always that chance, but I will recover. But man how amazing would it be if it actually did work out?! But I will not lie and say that I’ve let myself be 100 per cent excited…or even 70 per cent for that matter. I squish that excitement like a little ant eating my honey because I know very well that that excitement, the fall from that blissful hope, is incredibly damaging. And that makes me a bit sad.

And then there is talking about home loans is a whole new monster within itself. I mean I’m lucky I can even have that conversation, so being terrified of this is a good thing, it means life is good. But many people, myself included, would probably consider looking at buying a section and building a home and starting a small business with the first few years of being with someone to be nuts or ‘rushing’. And hey I won’t judge you for that opinion. But I definitely think there are times in your life when you have to look at opportunities and think ‘can I live with myself, without regret, in 10 years time if I don’t take this now?’ Maybe. But I’m pretty sure I’d be quite pissed at myself for not doing it when I could.

Here’s the thing I’ve learnt and learnt in spades over the past few years. It. Never. Goes. Your. Way. Especially when you really want it to. But, it does always go the way it’s meant to go, when it’s meant to go.

Was I pissed when I lost money and couldn’t sell Pip (horse #2) for over 6 months? YES! Was I incredibly anxious about selling Mardy when I needed the money 3 weeks out from my flight overseas? Yep. But he sold, right at the right time. Pip sold too, and no it wasn’t what I wanted and it didn’t happen when I wanted it to. But it was by far my most valuable life lesson and taught me how to dig deep and just deal with it.

‘Shit happens’ became my life motto and I apologize for the swearing but there’s really no other way to put it!

I’ve spent a lot of the past few years being angry about life, being upset, recovering. I’ve been incredibly mad about my health condition, I hate the fact I have to live with it every single day of my life and it’s like this constant shadow sitting in the corner. I’ve been upset about losing a grandparent too soon from something that was treatable. I’ve been pissed about heartbreak. I’ve been sad about the death of animals. I’ve had to look back and face some average decisions and deal with that part of my life. I’ve dealt with things just not going my freaking way for months and months on end. And I’ve had to look at exactly what it is that makes me, me.

And I definitely found it.

Sitting in the back of a tuktuk. Learning to communicate in different languages. Seeing people in little mud homes with absolutely nothing to their names. Standing on the top of a mountain in the Austrian Alps. I definitely found what makes me, me.

I think though I’ve at times, especially lately, let that slip away. I’ve gone back into my ‘trying to make it look better than it is’ bubble and I’ve attempted to put on a ‘brave’ face.

But that’s exactly how I cracked in the first place.

I’m not a perfect person, my life is far from perfect. I’ve had some incredible wins and also some incredible lows. But I’m here. I made it. I’m figuring out where I want this career to take me. I’m excited. And I’m learning to be excited and make the most of what I have.

I’m learning to play the cards I have in the best way possible, rather than looking at my neighbors cards wishing I could have that hand.

As I learnt in a 4 hour long card game on a 20 hr boat ride through Laos to Thailand, it is never the hand you have, but what you’re smart enough to do with that hand. A good hand helps, sure, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to win.

So yeah…keep’n it real, yo.

Too cheesy? Yeah I agree.

Anyway. I just wanted to get back to the crux of it. It’s pretty easy to get carried away in a whirlwind of baby photos, engagement announcements, weddings, new jobs, travel on Facebook and just in general! And those are all incredible, amazing things…but sometimes it’s easy to forget everyone struggles and it’s never perfect. It’s just life.

And everything that comes with life is pretty sure to keep it interesting.

But if you’re anything like me, you’re going to get to the end of the week and think ‘damn, I’m glad I began this love affair with red wine’. You also might be drowning in files and paper work on your desk, wondering when the last time it was you washed your hair, and desperately wanting it to be sunny for more than one day so you can actually breathe in air that hasn’t been recycled through the heating system several times.

*Sigh*

Till next time.

 

 

 

Here we go

I’ve done a lot of adulting lately. I’m not entirely sure when the moment hits for most people when you realise you are in fact an adult, but as I was walking through the supermarket, doing a normal weekly shop for myself for the first time in a year, it hit for me.

To be honest, most of my life ‘Epiphany’ moment hit while I’m the supermarket and I’m definitely part of a minority who genuinely enjoys the task. In a lot of ways it’s just the symbol of growing up to me.

From my first grocery shop living out of home five years ago, to the little moments where a mum referred to me as a ‘lady’, or the moment of pure joy I felt when I finally could shop again for food I recognised when I got to Austria after three months in Asia/Africa, it’s just my space.

I’m staying with Sam for a few weeks while the house is renovated so I jumped at the chance to do the weekly shop. It ended up being more like a fortnightly shop as I bough half the supermarket home (sorry credit card, I love you).

I was walking around the supermarket and I felt like ‘yes, this is home’. I traveled to Hamilton a few weeks ago and it was the first time it no longer felt like home. I wasn’t quite ready for that, Tauranga hadn’t quite felt like that yet. And now it does…well more so than Hamilton.

I think I’ve finally accepted life after I ran quickly from it all a year ago. It wasn’t a run in terms of ‘run away’, it was a ‘I need a change so I’m going about it pronto’. I just at the time had absolutely no idea how many things in my life that change would impact. I was laughing to myself in the car on the way home with Sam from something.

“It’s only been a year since you left the country?” He said.

“Yep. A lot can happen in a year.”

It surely can. I couldn’t do life as it was anymore, so I didn’t. I made a change, I’d put myself in the position to be able to make that change whenever I wanted to. I then came back and I started again. And that can be a bloody hard thing to do.

But I truly think in some form, we are all starting new in something.

Life is just like that.

I’ve done a lot of freaking out along with my realisation I’m an adult lately. Mainly just to remind myself I am only 22 and freaking out about major responsibility is normal. But then I also hate thinking that way; ‘only’ has this connotation that implies I have a lot of time. And I mean I do. But why waste any of it? I also might not. I don’t know what’s going to happen, so I’d rather make the most of opportunities that come along. Rushing through life and taking on opportunities before you’re ‘ready’ are different things, and people often get them confused.

Rushing is when you never stop to take in how far you’ve come or appreciate what you have accomplished, or even life for that matter. Taking opportunities when they come is just putting your hand up and say ‘yes’ it’s my time to do that now, so I’m going to. Even if you’re not 100 per cent ‘ready’ you probably never will be, so if it’s your time, take it, and don’t second guess yourself.

It’s always important to remember not every ‘opportunity’ is in fact one, and being able to tell the difference between the two is going to take you a long way in life.

Sam and I were talking mortgages the other day and he said, “I feel like other people don’t worry the same way about these things”.

And I laughed.

I said, “No, it’s the same for them, the difference is you don’t see it or hear about it”.

I tend to find myself living in a constant mindset of ‘I’m pretty sure it’s all just talk and none of it is really real’. Perhaps because I’m terrified it’s going all just disappear?  But I’m going to stop doing that. I’m not living life on a tight-wire waiting for the moment someone rips it out from underneath me or a strong wind comes and knocks me off. Life is happening and I’m doing it.

Mortgages, business, jobs, careers… it’s scary as all hell but who cares? I like a challenge right? And a bit of fear is always a great motivation to keep looking ahead.

Here we go.

 

Doomsday prep

I survived two days in Auckland…just. Turns out a cold coffee with ice in it is a ‘cold brew’ in Takapuna (North Auckland) but an iced Americano in Manakau (South Auckland). It’s the same damn city guys, can’t you at least agree on what to name your cold coffee?! I also nearly died because drivers there are just…well…I nearly died. The motorway is fine, people kind of know to look out for others (though with four crashes in the stretch of motorway that runs from one side of the city to the other might suggest otherwise), but outside of that it’s every man for himself. I nearly hit a kid too on a crossing who thought that instead of stopping to check the cars were far enough away to ACTUALLY stop, he just walks out without looking, on dusk, in dark clothes, on a wet road. I stopped.Thankfully.

So with my heart in my throat 90 per cent of the time I was there I’ve concluded I felt safer on the busy streets of South East Asia than I do in Auckland. None the less I am home safe, back in Tauranga, where the drivers are equally as bad but there are far fewer of them.

As I was driving between the two cities (it’s a three hour trip in average traffic) I went back through the Waikato (where I used to live). Man I miss it.

The Waikato is very foggy, most people hate that. I love it. There’s nothing cooler than living at the top of a hill looking down at all the fog sitting in the bottom of the valley. It’s mystical in the coolest of ways.

I’m not missing the cold though.

However, I do miss the fashion. I have no idea how people in Tauranga don’t freeze. No one wears coats?! This time of year in Hamilton I’d be in boots, a scarf, gloves, and a coat. Not here. I’d just look like a weirdo if I wore a scarf AND a coat. But I can’t feel my fingers so I think I might just have to be unfashionable and start rugging up and watch all these weirdos freeze.

The first frost of the year is here (for Tauranga anyway, the rest of the country south is probably already well used to these) and I had to get the ice off my windscreen before work.

The best part though? My car started. Dad was very convinced it wouldn’t once it started getting cold because the battery has a mind of its own. I am of the opinion it’s not a problem till it stops working all together. And on that day I will be late for work and probably be very upset and it will be all my own fault.

None the less, I am trying to prove that it will be fine and it will make it through.

I know it’s at least three years old since I haven’t bought a new one since I got the car…it really is on its last legs.

I have one week to go before my exam (I call it dooms day)…but I have passed all the assignments for that paper so far, so I have a small amount of hope that I may go down in a small blaze of fire rather than a large one.

Shrug.

I’m tired from my Auckland training and I’d love to say that I’m taking the afternoon off to chill out…but I’m not. I’m going to study my butt off to catch up after missing a lot of study time while away training.

One. More. Week.

Then I can crack open my lovely $45 bottle of wine I splashed out on and enjoy it while having a spa. It was going to be a bath, but I feel like I might want people to join me in this wine drinking and it’s a bit hard for them to all join in a bathtub.

Actually don’t try to imagine that.

So life is happening. People are happy, people are getting married, having babies, getting cool jobs. It’s happening. And I’m happy to be part of their stories. It’s fun. I even like crying babies now. Apparently I do have a maternal instinct. Not sure I want my own one any time soon. But you know, at least I like other peoples now.

And on that note I’m off to achieve at least something today from the office before I head off at lunch time to frolic about in the sun for approximately 5minutes before I find myself back inside, cowering from the cold, studying.

Yaaaay…

Over and out.

 

 

 

 

Pros, cons, failure

Growing up is a weird thing; it just sort of happens without really thinking about it. I mean sure, most of the time I’m thinking to myself ‘I am definitely not adult enough to deal with this’, but then there are moments where I suddenly realise I am an adult, and I’m actually doing it just fine. How can I tell I’m adulting well? Firstly, I am incredibly particular about wine, babies no longer scare me (I’m still highly skeptical I should ever actually be allowed to bring one up), I am capable of looking after multiple small people at once, I know life does not stop and start with marriage, relationships, or even having children…but those things are cool too, I’ve come to appreciate money…by that I mean the fact that I turn up to a place each day and do stuff and they then give me money so I can live, I am learning how to think about and navigate the idea of a mortgage, a house, where I want to live… and I have learnt just how fragile life is, and I appreciate that fact. Oh and I’ve also come to learn and accept shit happens to all of us.

I don’t feel grown up, but to honest I don’t know if anyone ever feels ‘grown up’, I think it’s more a feeling of comfortable experience that leads you to have a little more faith each year that in most situations you will, regardless of how you may feel at the time, be ok. I was going to put ‘survive’, but there’s really no guarantee of that.

My little cat had his vaccinations today. In order to get him into the cat cage I coxed him with food first into a small space. He then quickly realised something was not right and quickly escaped. I came back five minutes later to see he had given into his desire for food (animal like its owner) and I swiftly blocked the cat door with various washing baskets. He then escaped from the other door as I tried to enter with the cat cage and my attempts at a human barricade failed miserably. I then spent 10 minutes chasing him up and down the house until he finally gave in to his desire for pats and I captured him once and for all. His poor defeated meows were heart breaking as I loaded him into the car for mum to take him with her to the clinic (she’s a vet nurse). Admittedly the only time I’ve ever put him in a cage prior was to move him from one place to another…so right now he’s sitting in a cage at the clinic thinking this is his new home and he’s been transported to some kind of jail for a crime in which he does not know. I will sweep in and rescue him and he shall love me forever…and hopefully forget all about this mornings antics.

I have two weeks until my psychology exam. I have finally accepted there is no possible way for me to learn everything I need to learn. So, I’ve decided I will simply learn five chapters REALLY well so ace that part of the exam. I’d love to say this is a strategy well thought through, however it’s really a last ditch effort not to fail this whole thing.

But I can always try again.

Really what I’m telling myself is it is not the end of the world, I have wasted $700 in worse ways, it will be fine, I have wine, and if I have to try again I’ll just try again. Simple, right?

Adulting at its finest right there.

What I’m coming to learn this year is to just chill out. That might seem strange to those in my life who understand I operate at a million miles an hour and every single weekend in June is booked…however, I am learning to stop putting on the pressure, stop trying to overachieve, to move a million miles an hour. Just take one step, as it comes. For me, there are often many steps that come all at once…so if I apply that statement to my life it looks like madness.

But on the days I feel frustrated I’m not going anywhere fast enough, I just remind myself how much I wanted this; to have a warm home close to family, to have my own cat, to have a job that keeps me busy and earns me money but doesn’t give me nightmares, so I have time to study and enjoy that study. This is what I wanted when I sat in that little home in France and pictured life. It just didn’t happen how I expected it to. But this is really lovely.

It’s raining. I love rain. I love studying when it’s raining. Soon I’ll have a gym with a spa and I can provide myself with motivation for the gym with that. It’s winter, it’s snuggly weather, it’s raining, I’m studying something I love, I have a cat, I have plans for a house, I want to live in the country, I have a good job. It’s all about perspective…

Because when I got on here I was going to complain how stressed and didn’t want to study, how my head hurts because I have a headache because it’s always so damn cold, how it’s raining so I don’t want to go outside or to the gym, and I have no money for my dream home or my dream travel.

It’s really easy to get stuck feeling like it’s falling apart or like something else would be better. Of course it would, because it always looks great when you’re not living it. You can’t have all the pros without the cons and you rarely see the cons when it’s not your life.

I’m wearing my favourite sweater today, it’s raining, and I’m going to go home and snuggle my cat and study with a hot cup of tea. I might even take an Instagram shot of it all so people think my life is amazeballs.

Sorry, this blog had potentially a little too much sarcasm in it.

 

A blog of random stuff…just cause

Hello world! Gosh I feel like I’ve been in some sort of hibernation! I’m not entirely sure why I’ve slacked off on the blogging. Perhaps it’s kind of become like my once loved dairy: occasionally paid attention to, but usually only to write bad stuff. I was going to do something clever with that…I thought there could be a cool metaphor there (I’m all about those metaphors and similes)…but then I remembered I’m tired, I’ve been studying psychology or I’ve written away my life and have finger cramp from work. Clever metaphors don’t really happen when I’m tired, or they fall seriously flat and people just feel sorry for me.

I started a new gym yesterday. It was as terrifying as one might imagine. I find gyms incredibly frightening. If you wander around trying to find everything and it’s not in the place you want and you stop and stare around with this panicked look on your face…everyone turns to look at you like the zombies look at humans on the walking dead. I want to resist the urge to throw my water bottle and phone at them with a ‘ah! This is too hard!’

But it’s ok. Sam was there and because he looks like he belongs in a gym, I felt safe…secure. Like the gym zombies were not going to come after me should I make a wrong move.

But I now have a sore back. Because I did back yesterday. I have a weak lower back and I’m crying a little inside about that right now.

So I was reading back through my blog (I only read 2015 because anything before that is just plain embarrassing… have a read if you want a laugh), and I realised a year a go today (cheers Facebook!) I was planning my overseas trip, my cat buttons had to be put down, one of my horses I sold had to be put down, I lost my cat Snuggie, and I sold my foal.

The point of mentioning that is I wrote a big post about ‘letting go’ this time last year. I was going to write a big spiel about how ‘I’ve come so far with letting go’ because I can deal with someone else riding my horse and be happy about it (a year ago only two people had ridden her during the six years I had owned her, and that was one ride each… so…)

By letting go I mean letting go of control. So, you see, pretty much, with my brain being super tired I’m not going to attempt to write a big long, super inspirational blog about it because in all honestly, I’m still terrible at it.

Two years ago, and it was well documented on here, I had what I would call the start of a breakdown. It wasn’t terrible, most people weren’t super aware of it. Just I had this over whelming urge to escape. A lot of that came because everything felt ‘out of my control’. I was a mess; sobbing each night to friends and family about how I ‘just couldn’t do it anymore’.

In hindsight, now I’m studying counselling, I probably should have seen a counsellor. But ya know, dropping everything and going around the world works too.

Here’s the thing though… it felt out of my control and it WAS out of my control. There was a fairly good list of crappy things that just weren’t going well and the things that were going well I didn’t feel equipped to manage. I needed to leave and it turned out to be the best thing for me. But I think it’s taught me a very valuable snippet of knowledge: it’s all out of your control.

In my study I recently learnt about flow…if people have challenges they can rise to and they feel equipped or able to do so, they achieve flow (it’s a good state of mind is what I’ve gathered). If the challenge is too much for the persons perceived ability to handle it, or if the challenge is not enough, that is when you get someone who is unproductive/frustrated or stressed. (I mainly added this in here so I can prove to myself I’m learning stuff and actually start remembering it…forgive me if it’s only 90% accurate)

Dad always says (kind of, the follow quote I actually found on a quote site thingy): “Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it”.

It is true. I will accept that. But it’s damn hard! It’s hard to be happy and positive when, while I enjoy my job, I don’t feel like it’s as challenging as it could be, where I feel study is too challenging and it’s damn scary! It’s easy to fall into the mindset of ‘panic, I’m stressed!’ I am not at all achieving flow in any areas of my life. Currently I’m studying motivation and emotion for my final exam, so I’ll bore you all with that next blog.

I am, at the moment, constantly in a battle with my mind of ‘it’s ok, you are capable’ and ‘take a moment to breathe, now start from the beginning’ and ‘I WANNA MAKE IT ALL STOP. I QUIT BEING A GROWN UP!’ The last part is usually said (silently so people think I’m kind of normal) in my head with the picture of me throwing a tantrum on the ground.

It takes a great amount of determination to remind myself day in, day out that I need to a) be patient and wait until the doors start to open..quit trying to pound them down and b) appreciate life being momentarily slower than usual and c) do as much with what I have right now and d) I will get my chance to make a change and a difference, I’m just in a growth phase.

That all might sound cheesy, but it’s true. Some moments are ‘go moments’ and some are ‘whoa moments’. There are times I am riding my horse and we focus on the boring stuff: learning how to listen, how to relax, how to work correctly. Then there are the moments we throw it all out the window and go as fast as we can…but I always know in those moments I’ve put the work in to learn, so when I need an automatic and immediate response to a problem while going a million miles an hour…I have it. There are also the moments, like in the jumping ring, where it’s a combination of give it your all, but use the lessons every step of the way and the more you know, the more you achieve.

Right now I’m in a whoa moment. It’s not the time to be going as fast as I can taking in everything around the world, testing my responses. It’s the time to focus and learn and listen…and wait. There will be another go moment.

And I need to remind myself of that.